all about ME ME ME!
(written in the summer of 1997)

i'm burning sandalwood incense, it's 6pm. (6pm!!! time flies!)
i am a complete incense and candle-oholic. i have to have one or the
other or both burning at all times. if i run out of either one, i panic.
it makes me feel safe or something. when i travel i always carry them
with me, then i can create my "space" anywhere.
i always have to have a little light on when i go to bed,too. ever since
6th grade when i started to have some OBEs, and thought i was dying.
that's a whole another subject.
today is volatile. one of my favourite people got kicked off of a mailing
list i'm on, hong kong and all that going down, my last grandparent, my
grandfather on my mother's side,is in the hospital with a broken neck and
is going to die, bizarre things have been happening to my friends and i,
divorce abounds, tornados in england, snow in spain, a hurricane off the
east coast( hurricane Ana!).
the weather here yesterday was 90 degrees and almost 100% humidity, then
a HUGE storm came and air raid sirens were going off and the sky turned
pitch black with ominous clouds. rain came down in sheets. i would've
gone out to play in it, had i not been all dressed up in a floor length
dress from the 30's and dangerous high heels.
so dangerous, in fact, that i skinned my knee very badly on friday from
falling down in them(but i was made to run by a psycho man, and that's a
very very long story. i'm very graceful in high heels)
so, because i skinned my knee(now i know i'm rambling here!) i can't go
try out to be a stripper until it heals.so i'm pigging out on too much
chinese food and waiting for it to heal. the wind is rattling my windows
today. the wind screams through the cracks of my windows and sounds like
a ghost train. i hate it. it sets my nerves on edge and scatters me. it
keeps getting grey, then sunny, then grey again. a very very very huge
change is coming. like the knight of swords in the tarot"something is
about to catapult into or out of your life". i know when this storm
passes, the changes will be revealed to me.
i broke 2 fingernails today. the 2 i type with. all the rest are long.
hard to do anything with long nails. i always kept them short because i
played guitar, so i wanted to grow them for photographs. it is a project.
a difficult project. i can see why women get very upset if they break a
nail. it's like trying to grow a bonsai tree or something.
so do you two feel the restlessness in the air? the new moon is on friday
in cancer.
yuck. sensitive sensitive sensitive. think i'll stay inside on that day
and take lots of bubblebaths!
also, i have a little dog. a japanese chin. he is 8lbs. he never barks.
ok, he barks one bark once a week, at the cat. he is the quietest dog
ever.he is very submissive and he's a pisces. he looks like a little
gremlin. like a pekinese with long skinny legs. he looks like something
dr.seuss would make -up. he is the kindest and most gentle creature i've
ever known. and i really disliked dogs all my life(had some bad dog
bites). he is in my lap as i type. his name is pooka, which is an old
english word for faerie. he is a rare breed. i had him flown to me from
washington. he is my little fluff monster. he is a creature from the
forest. everyone is amazed by him, they fall instantly in love with him.
about the cat, nova, she is all white and 7 years old. she is mellower
than mellow, but i could part with her, i am not as attached to her for
some reason. but pooka and nova get along great. pooka licks her ears and
they sleep together in this space capsule thing i bought for them.
also, i own many many things. i am quite the collector. i could part with
a lot, because i'd like to be more mobile and minimalistic. but i won't
part with my mannequins. i have 6. their names are charlotte, montreal,
sylvia, alice, grace, and one has no name. i also collect things that
are orb shaped. marbles, superballs, globes,etc.
i have these big glass mirrored orbs hanging from my ceiling. 21 of them.
i also collect antique stuffed animals, synthetic grapes, virgin marys,
owls(just started that one, so i have ONE owl. LOL), dry cleaning
tags(for this art project i mean to do someday), keys, scissors, egg
beaters, spoons, and scary dolls.
and i have yards and yards of incredible fabric that i mean to sew into
amazing things someday. i worked at a used clothing store for 8 years, so
i have so much vintage fabric and vintage clothing. i have SO much
clothing(95% i never wear, but it's soooo coooool). i have lots and lots
of cd's cassettes, records. not to mention all my guitars, synthesizers,
etc etc. oh my god! just writing this makes me laugh! i have SO MUCH
STUFF IT'S STUPID!!! LOL!!!
i always wish i could just stuff it all into a magic bag, like felix the
cat.
my apartment is SO un-feng shui. help! i am painting it pink right now,
but i selected the wrong shade of pink. eek. so it's 1/2 done. so many
projects to do. all the paintings in my head, all the clothing to be
sewn, all the movies to make, all the songs to be written. actually,
painting and drawing is my forte. and i often dream of moving to
wyoming and living in a dome house and just painting. then traveling to
new york or whatever, selling them, then going back home.
i feel a drastic call to nature right now. and i need a lot of silence
and space right now. thank you for allowing me this space to write this
to you. i am getting a lot out. this is my journal writing. i kept a
journal every single day since i was 22, but ever since i discovered
email and mailing lists, i get it all down here. i need to get a printer.

so i'm just biding my time, not really moving anywhere in particular,
just seeing where the dice will fall if i don't "will" it to fall in any
particular configuration. i am trying to "fall into grace". to see what
grace is. to see where the flow is. and not will anything in particular.
i want to live my life in grace.
i'm drinking coffee now and getting kinda shaky. i hardly ever drink
coffee, but i was feeling so sluggish.
it's really great to be able to get up whenever i want and email all day,
if that's what i choose to do. i am really grateful for that.
have you ever seen the movie Diva?
ever since i've wanted to live in a warehouse and be able to rollerskate
in it.
and have you ever seen the lifesize stuffed animal zebras and giraffes at
FAO schwartz? i want to get them and put them on wheels and ride around
on them by remote control, in my warehouse. i've got this whole thing
planned in my head. and i'll have bonfires on top of the buliding. and
you can ride your remote control zebra up there. and i will talk on the
phone to everyone on the world from this zebra as i look up at the stars.

on the first level of the warehouse i want a cafe where you can get tea
made to your specific needs. there will be access to sound and light
machines, flotation tanks, meditational tapes,films, books. etc. it will
be a cafe for the mind.
well, i have rambled on for over an hour now, it's 7:15 and the wind is
still blowing and it is grey and i'm shaky from coffee.
i hope i am not boring you. i went on quite a tangent. well, as "they"
say, aries is "i seek myself"

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use in whole or in part is expressly forbidden without
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