march 6th , 2009
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violet's birth story
this is super super super long.
full of almost every boring and excruciating detail
it's also full of typos galore and in it's rough form so
i will be making changes to things here and there.
the punctuation and grammar is, also, abysmal.
so read at your own risk
i just had to get it down any way i could to get it out of me.
i wrote it down without rereading it.
i will add some pix from my cam to this later...

violet's birth story

in the early morning of february 7th, while i was still in bed 1/2 asleep, i felt a very tiny bit of wetness come out of me that was more than normal. it wasn't enough to make me get out of bed but it was enough to make me take note of it. when i got up to pee, i noticed the tinest bit of pink.
this is what happened to me last time, but it was still a week later that i gave birth so i didn't panic. i did feel that well fo excitement, tho and i said to myself "uh-oh!"
for the rest of the day, periodically i would feel just little wetness come out of me to the point where i just started having to wear a pantiliner for the rest of the day. i almost called my midwife to ask her if perhaps she had some way to check and see if this was amniotic fluid, but i decided to not do that.
almost every time i would go to the bathroom that day, when i woudl wipe, i would see a tiny bit of pink. i also felt so much "pressure" in my abdomen and violet was kicking in me very ferociously.
around 7pm matthew finally got home from work which i was SUPER relieved about because i felt very hyper from the whole day of feeling all of this pressure and wondering if i was leaking amniotic fluid. i felt that the birth was coming up very very soon. i just had that feeling but i didn't want to get my hopes up.
matthew ordered a pizza but i was not hungry for it.
i remember telling matthew that i did not understand how my water was not breaking because of how hard violet was kicking in my womb and how much i felt i could just burst.
i was very very anxious and so at 8pm i decided to take some tylenol pm because i thought this could be the last night i could get any sleep.
this turned out to be a terrible idea.
because around 9pm, right as i was going to crawl into bed and watch 9 1/2 weeks (which i hadn't seen in decades) my water broke with a gigantic gush all over the bed!
it came pouring out of me like in the movies.
i surge of adrenaline overtook my entire bring liek a wildfire. i tried to steady myself and keep breathing.
i yelled "omg matthew my water just broke!" and i put my hands underneath me to catch it all, in vain.
matthew came running in and put his hands on me and looked me in the eyes with intense excitement.
i ran to the toilet and it continued to come out of me.
i stripped my clothes off and my whole body shook in anticipation.
i don't remember what was said and done for the next few minutes. it was all just a blur of trying to get a hold of myself and breathe and ground myself.
my mind quicky racing trying to get a grip on what needed to be done.
i cursed about taking that tylenol pm.
i got a towel down on to the bed over the big wet spot and told matthew to put the shower curtain that we had bought on top of that and then a sheet on top of that.
we called the midwife and she was calm and excited for us.
telling her to call her back when my contractions started, saying to us it may be 12 to 24 hours before those even start.
but my contractions started in about 1/2 an hour.
so we called the midwife and told her to come over because i was too anxious to be without her.
last time my labour was 5 hours long, so i expected that this labour would be even shorter.

she came right over because she lives only a few blocks away.
and we called our parents to let them know and also my friend, elaine, who was going to videotape the birth.
thankfully, lili, my daughter, had gone to my mom's to visit the rpevious day so we didn't have to deal with getting her out of the house in any rushed way.

i stayed on the bed and tried to breathe through my contractions and i tried to remain as calm as i could.
everyone came over and i held a stone when i had a contraction and did really well through them.
they weren't unmanagable but i couldn't speak through them almost right away.
but i did well on being calm.
i tried to find some music i wanted to listen to and nothing seemed to be right.
everything was annoying.
i played things like the soundtrack to bladerunner (a weird choice, i know) and other music by vangelis and some cocteau twins and pink floyd.

matthew and i remarked on how different this labour was from my last one. with the last one, i was pretty much screaming and grunting from square one and i didn't listen to any music or talk at all because there wasn't much rest between contractions. it was all so fast and furious.

this time was a lot slower and i thought it was a good thing i was able to get used to the pain in a more gradual way.

a few hours passed and things started to egt more intense.
i went to the couch and knelt on it with my belly facing towards it and slumped over the back of it. i started to make the "ohhhhh...ohhhhhh....ohhhhh.....ohhhhh" deep sounds. this went on for hours and hours and i started to get really sick of hearing my voice make these sounds but it helped to make the sounds so i continued.

i remembered that it is good to move around and change positions during labour to help bring the baby down, so i tried to walk when i could and also stand putting my leg up on the couch, alternating legs.

i tried the squat position but that was not comfortable.
fluid was gushing from me all of this time every time i had a contraction. and sometimes i would have to pee, but i could not make it to the toilet. so they kept having to put chux pads underneath me and change them all the time.

i didn't care at all. i just did what i needed to do.
i was totally naked and focused on getting this baby out and making it through the pain.

around 3am i started to get very discouraged about the labour. it had been 6 hours, which was past what my last labour had been.
i knew that every labour was different but i could not get it out of my mind that this baby was "stuck", too like i felt lili had been with my last labour (during lili's labour her heart rate started to go down very drastically and i had to work push like hell to get her out ASAP or else be transferred to the hospital).

i had my midwife check my cervix to see where everything was at, knowing full well that the information i would receive might discourage me further. but i had to know.

i think i was dilated to 4 centimaters then, and yes, this information discouraged me but i vowed to work through that anyway.

the pain was getting unmanageable to me now. i don't know how close or how long the contractions were. but it was pretty regular and close together.

i tried to "relax" inbetween the contractions as much as i could.
the pain was getting worse and worse and i was becoming increasingly exhausted.
the sun started to come up which felt surreal.
i had thought for sure that i would have my baby in my arms by now.
it was 6am and i was dilated to 6 or 7cm now.
at least it was progress. i tried not to want to give up.
i had been awake now for 24 hours. the pain was worse than last time, it seemed. i was sure i had back labour.
the contractions felt like being gutted by a meat grinder in my abdomen and my back felt like i was being sawed in 1/2.
for a few minutes here and there i seriously contemplated finding a way to slash my wrists so i could just pass out somehow.
this really disturbed me that i would even consider this but i tried to remind myself that crazy thinking is probably normal when a person is under this much pain and stress.

i started vocalizing that i wanted to go to the hospital.
i just felt that something was wrong and there was nothing i could do about it. i was exhausted.
but everyone continued to rally to keep trying and so i did.
all this time i tried more positions.
laying on my right side, laying on my left side, sitting on the toilet. standing, rocking, on all fours.

at 8am i think i was maybe at 8 centimeters.
i kept holding hope that progress would continue
but i pretty much wanted to die and was at my wit's end.
i was so exhausted. there are no words to describe it.
i feel i must have known what it was like to have your legs blown off in a war and be left to die in a field. or maybe what it was like to be crucified.

matthew fed my honey and gatorade. i tried to eat some instant oatmeal to keep my strength up. food was disgusting to me.

my calmer and focused vocalizations of "ohhhhhhh...ohhhhh....ohhhhhhhh" just became agonizing screams of desperation. the sounds of someone being impaled over and over again. and i felt terrible for everyone having to listen to it but there was nothing i could do to stop the sounds coming from me.

this just went on for hours and hours. i don't know how i endured it. i guess i endured it because i had no other choice but to.

then it was around 2 pm.
i was on the bed and my midwife and her assistant took turns holding my cervix open to 10 centimeters to help to baby out. they could feel the head but she was still "up there" and a lip of my cervix had become swollen, making the passageway out all the more difficult for violet's head.
i had been sort of feeling an urge to push. but i couldn't really discern if it was an urge to push or if it was more just an urge to grunt as if i was pushing. and i could not figure out why i was not able to discern that. i was just an odd feeling. i wanted to grunt and be "pushy" but at the same time i did not feel the pressure in my rectum that one should probably feel from the baby head wanting to come out.
i did not feel any pressure in that area at all, and that bummed me out because i knew i should be feeling that in order to make pushing effective.
i think we tried for over an hour of me pushing on the bed with the midwife's hand up me holding my cervix open and she said that each time i pushed the babies head did make a tiny bit of progress coming down.
i started to feel hope.
the midwife and her assistant started getting everything ready for the baby to come out. getting the bowl for the placenta. elaine got the video camera.
i cried to violet and pleaded to her to please come out and meet her familyand that we loved her very much and i wanted to hold her so much and kiss her toes and see her face.
i cried from my heart and soul to my baby daughter to come out and let this all be over and we could all rest and start to get to know each other.
my heart was breaking and aching. i pushed with everything i had in me, but i could tell the pushing was just not as effective as the pushing i ahd done to get lili out when it was such an emergency to get her out.
i pushed so hard and tried with everything i had in me but i could tell i was just exhauted and also i was not feeling the pressure from her head.

after maybe an hour and 1/2 the midwife suggested that matthew and i be alone together and rest.
the midwife started to think that this was an emotional issue as to why violet would not come out and that if i just focused more or got it together or worked whatever i needed to work out with matthew or something that everything would work out.
i felt exasperated and defeated. i knew this was not the case and it was not something i could "work out"
it was not some sort of emotional issue i was having.
i was trying my best.

i lay in bed by myself for about an hour and tried to push her out while everyone was in the livingroom trying to eat something.
it was a joke to me that i should try and get some rest.
there was NO WAY i could rest while i had contraction after body wracking painful contraction take over my entire being.

they insisted i eat something and matthew fed me yogurt which i tried to swallow without vomiting.
they insisted that i try more positions. that i get up and go for a walk in the hallway. or that i get in the tub and maybe that would relax me.
all of these ideas were a joke to me at this point because i could barely move any more.
i had nothing left in me, yet everyone kept insisting that i did and i could do it.
my midwife told me a story about how she had just delivered a baby from a woman who was in labour for 2 or 3 days and at the end she had made her go out with her husband in 40 degree weather and buy an enema (why?) and how this woman didn't think she could do it but she did and voila, then the baby came.
i knew then that the midwife had absolutely NO IDEA how much pain i was in or how exhausted i was that she would even think i could walk to a car, get in and go in and buy something from store and come back.
i could not even wrap my mind around how she could think that would be a possibility.
i could no more do that than some person who had ben blown up by a grenade and was bleeding to death could get up and do that.

but i still questioned myself that maybe i was wrong and maybe they were right and what "if only" i had tried this or that i could get this baby out safely at home.

they made a bath for me and i tried to get to it inbetween contractions but i would have a contraction from going to the bed to the bath and they would have to hold me up or i would collapse into myself onto the floor from the pain.

i had no idea why they thought a bath could help. my bath is very small and it's nmot like i could get into any sort of position to soak in it.
they lit candles and left me to grunt and scream on all fours in the tub.
my knees and hands in the water and not much else.
this was a joke to me and finally i just said i wanted to get out.

i said i wouold try the couch again.
i tried laying on my left side and then my right side.
i tried leaning into it on my knees as i had in the beginning.

they begged for me to get upright and try walking in the hall. this was the only time i started to get really really pissy and irate because there was no way in hell i was going to go scream in the hallway in front of all my neighbours. that made me feel way to vulnerable and unsafe.
i don't even like going inot the hallway when i am not in the most vulnerable state i have ever been in my entire life. i was not going to subject myself to that. i could not see how feeling unsafe and vulnerable would be conducive to getting my baby out.
i said i would try and walk from one end of the room to the other.
but i could not understand how they could not see that i could not even do this.
the pain was too much. it was crippling me.
i was too exhausted.
i tried to get up and walk but all i could do was make it a few steps as if my legs would not even work. contraction after contraction overwhelming ever muscle in my body.
i had no control over anything anymore.
i was basically just a complete cripple who had no choice but to just endure being impaled, gutted and sawed in 1/2 every few minutes.

thye finally saw that i could not walk or do anything anymore and finally it was agreed upon that i had done everything in my power and they had suggested everything that could be done and i had tried it all to get that baby out.
around 6pm it was sadly decided that we should go to the hospital.
i laid on the couch and screamed as everyone got everything ready to go and all the parents were notified of the plans.

in between contractions they dressed me in loose sweatpants and a big grey sweater and clogs with no socks.
i didn't bother with a coat or anything else.
somehow i managed to grab lili's striped stuffed bunny from her crib for comfort. i just wanted that with me to grasp while i was in the hospital.

i didn't know what a hospital could do for me at this point but i just didn't know what else i could do.
i assumed that the worst would happen and i would be treated like a crazy homebirther and that i would be condescended to and i would be in as much pain there as here. i figured they would ty and give me a lame drug for pain that would probbaly just amke me feel out of it and not help with the pain at all.
i just hoped that somehow they had a way to get the baby out of me safely. some way that i was not able to get out at home.
i didn't know what. at the best, i imagined that i would be given a drug that would allow me to "sleep" inbetween contractions so that i would eventually have the strength to push her out at some point.

since i could not walk, they wheeled me out to the car on my desk chair that is on wheels. i could not sit on it so i held onto it in a kneeling position which i held onto the bak for support.
i screamed all the way down the hall and screamed all the way to the hospital in the car.

it was the worst day of my life and the worst nightmare i had ever been in and i fully expected it to get worse before it got better.

we got to the hospital and i was wheeled in with a wheelchair. again in the kneeling position in it because that was the only position i could deal with.
they wheeled me inot the maternity ward and into a room.
it was hard for me to believe i was in a hospital now.
i could feel all eyes on me because i was making so much racket and i must have been quite a sight.

i yelled, "pain relief! i need pain relief!"
and they told me to get off all my clothes and get inot the bed. i didn't bother putting on the hospital gown. i just got up on it on my side naked. and screamed more.
they all told me to calm down and take deep breaths.
that was a joke to me and i just continued to scream.
my body would arch back and i woudl grip the sides of the bed as hard as i could and my feet would curl in on themselves.

somehow they managed to check my dilation and i was still only at 8 centimeters and the head was still "up there" ( i can't remember at what station). my midwife and her assistant explained everything that had happened to the nurses and doctors.
they explained i had been at 8 centimeters for about 12 hours with no change and the head was not descending.
violet's heart rate continued to be alright. it had been alright during the entire labour.
they said my water had broken almost 24 hours ago.

they asked me what kind of pain relief did i want and i said i wanted an epidural. i could not believe i was asking for an epidural after everything i had read about epidurals and being so much against them. but i didn't see any other way i would be able to survive this without getting relief from the pain and being able to just rest or something.

i was scared out of my mind to get one but i was more scared to just continue to scream and writhe and not be effective to do anything, to push to rest to think to just SURVIVE. it was basic survival at this point.

i was shocked and amazed when they told me i could have an epidural. i was certain they would say no because i was 8 cm dilated.
they hooked me up to all the monitors. they had me sign all the forms. i could barely even sign my name.

i laboured on my side without any relief for about another 2 hours waiting for my epidural. around 9pm they finally came in to give it to me.
i was so scared and i also did not know how i would be able to hold a sitting position on the bed and remain perfectly still while they gave it to me. i was so scared that i would jerk and screw up my spine for life.

a really kind nurse came in and told me to lean inot her. i did with all my might. i leaned inot her as if my life and the life of my child depended on it and by the grace of god i somehow remained still enough during a contraction as they were inserting the needle into my spine for it to all go well.

i wanted to cry with thankfulness to the entire universe that i now would be delivered from this pain. i prayed to god my spine would be ok and i and violet would not have ill effects from it.

i had one more gut wrenching contraction that i knew would be my last before the pain medication started to take hold and soon all i was feeling was the pressure of the contraction which was painless.

i felt as if the weight of the universe had been lifted from me and i had been freed from my own personal version of hell and i was granted life again. i was able to return to my former self, which was recognizable to me. and my sense of humour returned.

everyone in the room was able to breathe again. no one was looking at the floor in silence anymore. everyone was able to smile. there was light again. i had returned to earth.
i was able to talk, to reason, understand, to LIVE.

i was free from the prison of hell.

my poor husband, who had been at my side every single second, giving me strength, holding my hand, just BEING at my side, being with me, being a witness to it all...my husband who had given me everything he had for the last 24 hours and had asked for nothing in return but ti just stay ALIVE....i was finally abole to call out to him and find him in the room and look into his eyes and say "hello"

i was able to connect with him again and not just withdraw into myself.
hello, my love, hello!
i am still here with you!
i am alive, WE are still alive!

i love him with all my heart, my matthew, my strength my rock my love. the man with whom i create new human beings.

he cried with me in the bed and in the tub. he looked deep inot my eyes and showed me how to breathe through my pain.
my breath became his breath. my rhythym became his. my life support.

i knew then as i had never known in such clarity how much he loved me, needed me, how much we were ONe, together, forever.

i was able to say hello again.

the doctors came in and explained our options to us.
i was glad i had done so much homework for the last several years to prepare me for this moment in this hospital.

i was grateful that my midwife and her assistant had pushed me to my very limit and beyond so i woudl know without a shadow of a doubt that i had not "wimped out" by coming to the hospital. i had done everything within my power. i knew this. there is a time and a place for hospitals and this was it. and then i knew there was also a time and a place for epidurals and this was also it.

the doctor explained that they could give me some pitocin to make my contractions stronger because right now they were too weak to get me dilated and push the baby out. they could do this and let me labour like this for a few hours to see if this would do the trick and i could then have my baby vaginally.

i thought, my god how odd i am in a hospiptal all hooked up to these monitors, on my back, with an epidual and now i might even get pitocin. all the things i am so vehemently against. but i also thought, if ever there was a time and a place for these things, this would be it.

as we were considering what to do, it was informed to us that violet's hart rate was starting to dip sometimes in a not ok way. she was also exhausted and tired.

i felt so bad for her. she had been such a trooper for this whole time. she was a strong baby. but now she was just as exhausted as i was.

our options were pitocin or else just go staright in for a c section.
i could not believe i was hearing this and i was in this position. but here it was in all it's reality.

i knew that if we did the pitocin her heart rate would continue to go down because if she was getting tired now the pitocin would make her even more exhauted from the stronger contractions. and this would lead to an emergency c section, most certainly.

we decided to not put her through that. we decided to just go straight in for the c section without it having to be an emergency one and without putting violet into any more distress.

it was bizarre and surreal to make this decision. i became incredibly anxious again and started shaking all over uncontrollably.

i asked if i could have some suage water in my IV because i knew my blood sugar level must be very low. i had barely eaten anything in 2 days.

they said they would call the team of doctors to come in and give me my surgery.
i would be meeting my daughter in an hour.

it was all happening so fast. a strange and unexpected ending to the most grueling ordeal of my life.

everyone was calm and smiling but sweet to me. we all knew this would be over soon one way or the other.

i was so scared. i was scared i might die, that violet might die, that some harm would come to her in the process of them taking her out.

i was scared to be cut open while i was still awake. scared i woudl throw up on the operating table. scared that this may be the last hour of my life.

matthew got his surgery scrubs on. they wheeled me down to the surgery room on the bed.

it felt like the scene from "all that jazz" when roy schieder is singing from his hospital bed before his death.

i was excited to meet my daughter. i wondered what she would look like.
i kept telling EVERYONE that wanted to keep my placenta.
i told everyone over and over to not throw it away.
they assured me that it would be kept and i would be able to take it home.'

i was in the surgery room. the bright lights. they strapped my arms down like onto a cross so i would not move. i look up and see a crucifix on the wall above the door and think "how fitting". i was numbed from the waist down even more through my epidural Iv thing.
they poked me with sharp things and asked me if i could feel it.
i could not.

they said it would be over fast.
they put the big blue sheet in front of my head and blocked off my view from the rest of my body from the neck down.
it was claustrophobic.

matthew was up by my head holding my hand.

i heard them marking my belly where to cut.

i knew they were cutting me.
i felt nothing.
they said they were almost to my uterus now.
surreal cannot describe how weird it is to be cut open in front of so many people in a bright room and not feel anything.
to have this done to you on purpose.
to have decided to have this done to yourself.
to not be dying while it is happening.
it is too weird to describe and yet there is not much to describe at all because you feel nothing.

my daughter was almost here.
they reached my uterus. they cut it open and told me i would feel pressure.
i expected this to hurt and i expected i would throw up.

it didn't feel like much at all except for a weird moving around feeling but still strangely numb. kind of pressurely but not much more.
i could feel the force of it all.

almost immediately i heard violet cry. a bbay cry just like in the movies. i have to say it was like the movies because it was all too weird to feel like it was my life and it was real.

her cry was so beautiful to me. it was so strong and so REAL. the only real part of my day. piercing and like a crystal that brought everything back into focus.

let me see her let me see her i say as matthew says "i see her! she's purple!"

it feels like forever until they bring her around. i see her plump shiny body about 8 feet away. i see her cry and writhe. she is still slightly grey but pinking up fast.

i say bring her to me! bring her to me!

she is so real but still so distant. i want to touch her.
i yearn to feel her wet body on my chest like i did when lili was born.

i want to feel her sliding on my bare flesh. i want to feel the weight and the warmth of her.
to see her eyes. to see her mouth.

they bring her to me and i awkwardly kiss her because i cannot move.
it isn't enough for me but i know it has to be because that is all i can manage.

then the relaity of my position comes to me. my guts are literally outside of my body now.
they are concentrating on putting them back in and this makes me feel unbelievably claustrophobic and sick.
i feel a panic attack coming on and i start to shake again.

i hear them talking to themselves as they sew me back up.
they say something about my bladder and i ask "is my bladder ok?" they laugh in a lighthearted way and assure me that my bladder is looking good.

i ask if everything looks good in there and they say it does.
i say "ah you could probbaly tie my tubes now that you are in there, right?"
i am afriad they will say that yes, they can and i will feel a dilemma.
but they say they cannot do that because it is a catholic hospital.
i am relieved that i don't have to make a decision about that but totally pissed at the same time that they would rob a woman of this right.

i can't concentrate on violet anymore even tho she is finally on the outside of me. i'm just trying to make it through my panic attack and i am shaking all over.

i feel that my body is at the end of it's rope.
my body has never been this exhausted in my life.
it has given everything it can.
they ask me if i want something in my IV for my anxiety and i say yes. i don't know what they give me but i am grateful for it because i start to stop shaking so much.

they finish sewing me up and i tell everyone thank you so much. i tell everyone i wish i could buy them all flowers.

i just feel floaty now and they tell me they will wheel me to my room. matthew has been holding violet as they sewed me up. he holds her as thye wheel me to the room we will be in.

my voice is completely raspy from screaming so much.
i can barely even speak. i am just squeaking out words.

i am so tired i could sleep for years.

they check my blood pressure again and give me oxygen because i feel really faint. they tell me that my blood pressure is low and they just monitor me every hour.
everyone is so kind.

i am so grateful it is all over with and i can rest.

they bring me violet so i can start to breastfeed her.
i still cannot move my legs so they turn me to my side so that i can i they place her beside my breast.

she latches on and i am relieved. i see she is so beautiful but she is wrapped in a blanket so i cannot inspect her and i cannot really move much anyway.

i say to myself i will inspect her more tomorrow.
right now i am just glad we are all alive and that she is with me breatfeeding.

we are all in the room together. everything is ok.
everything is quiet and peaceful and the lights are dimmed.

all i hear is the bleep and blip of the machines that are monitoring me.

for the rest of the night we all just rest while i am monitored every hour. all the nurses are kind. everyone is kind.

all the days trauma melts away and it almost feels like i am in heaven.

for the next few days kind nurses take care of all of us.
i try to get the hang of breastfeeding.
nurses come in whever i ask to help me with that.

i never really get any sleep because i am constantly monitored. coming in round the clock to take my temperature, take my blood pressure, check my hemoglobin, give me pain medication, check on violet, take her vitals, help me go to the bathroom, get me apple juice.

matthew and i hole up and time has no meaning. we order in hospital food and watch episodes of star trek.

violet sleeps and feeds. people come to visit us.

after 2 1/2 days we go home and a few weeks later we get bills totalling to almost $30,000.

i don't feel ready to go home because i am in so much pain.

it is like my entire abdomen has been through a meat grinder. sharp shooting burning stabbing pain.

i don't recommend that anyone get a c cection to make anything easier. there is nothing easy about it.
it's major abdominal surgery.
it makes breastfeeding very difficult.
it makes bonding with the baby harder because you are in so much pain it is hard to enjoy anything or concentrate on anything else.
it exhausts the body and it scars are forever.
not just a scar on your belly but the scar all the way through you.

i am happy that i am alive and violet is alive.
i am not sure we would be alive if we had not had the hospital to turn to.

but i do feel robbed of the unmistakably spiritual experience which occurs when a baby is born naturally.

i am certain that when a bbay is born the natural way, not only does the baby and the mother receive a gift of hormones for bonding, but also something happens spiritually and interdimensionally (i don't know what other words to attribute to the phenomena) that is like a vortex or portal of light that opens up and everyone in that room who is witness to it is permeated with this light that is the light of birth.
something extraordinary happens and it is an anergy that is released that everyone in that room is given the gift of to their heart center.

i know that sounds incredibly new agey and weird but i am certain it happens.

and i am pretty sure that nothing of the sort happens when a baby is cut out from your womb.

i'm still processing it all and what it all means.

that being said, i know that everything happens for a reason. and i believe that violet chose to be born this way, for whatever her reasons are.

matthew and i have pondered and discussed what could be the "cosmic" reason that the birth happened in this way.

and what we have come up with, and rings very true to me, is that violet was teaching matthew and i a lesson about how we can trust outer humanity/ society (she being an aquarius and all).
matthew and i are both extremely cynical about "the system" and have pretty much little or no faith in it.
i especially have no faith in hospitals as i have had very bad experiences there where i have been treated as less than subhuman.

but what my hospital experience was this time was the opposite of all that experience. it was kind, loving , attentive and i was not treated in any way condescendingly. i was treated with total respect and i felt that the nurses went out of their way to care for us. (oh, but they lost my placenta!!!! gah!!!!! rrrrrrr!!!!!)

matthew and i were both astounded.

i think violet was showing us, through ehr birth, that sometimes "the system" can be trusted and sometimes society is ok. that people can be good.

that it can be a safe place to fall.
people will come together to help you.

it made me cry to realize this because it is such a beautiful healing gift to be given after everything i have been though in my life.

violet has already shown me to be an amazing person who is going to stretch my boundaries and take me out of my comfort zone.

she is already an extraordinary member of our family, perfect for us in every way.

i am honoured to be her mother and be on this journey with her.

her birth happened the way it was supposed to happen, although i still go over the physical details of it daily.

when they went in to get her, i asked what position she was in, to gain more insight as to why she woudl not descend.
and she was sunny side up. (which is why i also had back labour)
i know that many babies are born sunny side up, but for whatever reason, i think this made it more difficult for her to descend down the birth canal in me.

i knew she was sunny side up because she had been that way in me for months prior to her birth.
in fact, i was sure she would be born this way even tho everyone told me not to worry about it.
i was very concerned.

i had been looking inot good birthing positions for a bbay who is sunny side up for weeks before her birth.

i am also sure that because my water broke right at the begnning with such a gush that this made it harder for her to turn into a more optimal birthing position.

her head was also 1 3/4ths inches larger than lili's.
although i don't think that was a factor, other people do think it may have been.

but i think it was just her position, sunny side up and that my water had broke.

and for whatever cosmic reason, it was just supposed to happen the way it did.

and that is that.

the long story of violet luna's birth.
26 hours to birth her during a full moon.

 

4 hours to write this out.

*whew*