february 12th , 2009
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my birth story is going to be a long one.
i am going over and over it in my mind and i hope to find the energy to write it out soon before details begin to fade.
but i will just tell you straight out now that it ended up in the hospital and me getting a c section.
(and started out with my water breaking with a gigantic gush, movie-style)
i'm ok with that because i know i did everything i possibly could.
but it takes a lot of processing for me to digest it all.
i'll be processing it for a long while to come.
miraculously, the hospital experience was 99% positive.
i was pretty blown away by their kindness and caring.
thank god for it because if they had been any other way, this birth would probably
fuck me up mentally pretty bad. but the universe shone kindness and so i am ok.
but i would be lying if i said i was not disappointed.
(and please i hope no one tells me ye olde "everyone ended up ok and healthy and so that is ALL that matters."
it matters. it really does matter a lot to me.)
it is weird how life ends up doing things you hadn't planned on.
when they say that all births are different, they sure are not kidding.
this one could not have been more different.
26 hours of labour (20 of that at home). pain beyond all pain. back labour, too. yikes.
it was beyond surreal.
M and i have talked about it over and over and we are grateful for the "cosmic" reason it happened this way.
and the lessons violet taught us in this experience.
she is an intense kitten.

i'll explain all of this and all that happened soon.
i'm sure you are curious how such a thing could have happened.

i'm mighty sore to put it mildly.
c sections are no easy way out.
and breastfeeding has been very difficult because i have barely been able to move.
but i AM breastfeeding and i think it will work out for us this time to do so.
my milk has not come in yet.
it took 4 days last time to come in and with a c section i've heard it takes even longer.
i really really hope it will be this weekend.
i am anxious to make milk.

my nipples are super sore.
i'm not totally sure our latch is good, but it's a learning process.
we'll eventually get it down, i think, because we both have the will.

lili hasn't been here yet since i got home from the hospital.
she has been at my mom's.
i have been just wayyyyy too sore.
but she comes home tomorrow morning.
i'm so excited to be together as a family for the 1st time.
and M's parent's are coming in tomorrow , too.

taking one day at a time now.
trying to heal physically and in all the other ways
coming to terms with it all and processing
loving my daughter and getting to know her
loving my husband more and more each second
what a fine fine man he is
my life is richer and fuller now
my horizon's expanded
the love in my family now to the 4th power

more later...
xox

this is a crappy pic from my crappy toy cam
but it's all i have at the moment!
so here she is....
tada!

better pix to come.
i have to figure out how my nice camera works.
but i am so so tired....
zzz....

more updates soon
so much to say!