february 5th , 2009

 

i still don't have the birth tub because i am waiting until another woman who was due last weekend to be done with it.
i hope i get it but i don't know if i wil because i could go into labour before she does.

tonight i have had a few of those low down menstrual cramp type contractions and it's making me quite nervous.
my body is definitely gearing up.
i feel changes.

i'm so insanely nervous about it.
about the pain.
the pain freaks me out.
i know i can make it through
but i have to be honest, waiting for this birth to happen feels a bit
like waiting for an impending car crash.

i wish i could be one of those mellow birthers
who say their contractions are not unlike just really bad menstrual cramps.
but no, mine are more like being eaten alive by sharks.
but i am hoping this time will be different
i can hope.

if it's just as bad tho, at least i know this time that that is normal for me
and i can make it through.
it doesn't make me feel any less nervous tho.
and i'm really scared i'm going to have a panic attack when
i know i am in labour this tiime.
and i'm scared that will make things way worse.

i wish there were drugs you could take that would make birth be painless
that didn't involve dangers and risks.
if safe drugs existed, you can bet i'd be taking them.
but none exist. i don't think a lot of people relaize that.
they think pain meds are the golden ticket to convenience.
i don't want people messing with my spine
and all of that.
no thanks.
i'll take the pain
it's worth it for the health of my child and the health of me
the pain doesn't last forever and that is what i will have to keep reminding myself

i don't choose no pain meds to be brave
i'm not trying to be a warrior
i'm trying to be SAFE

i think i will have this baby very soon now
i would be shocked if i didn't have her next week.
maybe even tonight, who knows.

i really hope i can last til the 9th, tho because on the 8th i am doing
a belly cast with my friends

pardon any typos here, i am typing in the semi-dark
and my eyes are really bad with this pregnancy.
very blurry

my dad has been helping me out with lili
and then on some days my mom takes lili for a few days
i feel pretty disabled not able to bend over or lift much at all
i don't know how women work up until the end
or do it with no help

i was on the floor tonight just trying to pick up some toys
when i had one of those "uh-oh" contractions
and i felt so panicky about it i started to cry a little
i've got to get it together, get in a better mind frame
but i don't know if that is possible for me
i might just have to be at peace with the fact that i am
probably just going to freak out and be a crying hyperventilating mess
and that will just be the way of it
it is what it is
i am what i am

i've been trying to listen to these hyp-birth cds
and they have not been my thing
i'm supposed to imagine a switch in the back of my brain
that makes me go numb, limp and loose (that sounds so unappealing to me)
and all i can imagine
is this david lynch-like old black antique light switch
that is anything but calming
it's just not working for me

*sigh*

i've got all my birth supplies ready
i'm basically as ready as i am going to be

i am ready to meet violet and kiss her sweet little squishy baby face
and wipe her little mini butt
and kiss her teeny toes
and share my life with her
and greet her into our family

matthew will help me through this
he is my light, my rock
i just don't want to go into labour when he is not home.
i was so lucky that it was his day off last time i went inot labour

i'm here all alone now and he'll be home by 11pm
so i am fidgety
i want him home
i feel like the weak wobbling animal in the forest
right now
vulnerable
i need my mate to huddle into

i'm goiing to go lay on the bed now and wait for him to come home
and try to be as mellow as i can about everything

oh, and yes this birth will (maybe) be on cam, too
as in, whatever the cam might capture, it'll be there
i'm not sure what room i will end up in
or if the cam will even be pointing at anything that anyone can see
but it'll be on

i would put the cam inot a good spot for labour so it will be ready
but lili would be all over the cords in 2 seconds flat
so i can't really do that
and my labour might go so fast that i don't have time
to point the cam in a good direction
we'll just do what we can do
but the cam is not a huge priority for me
when i go into labour, but i defintely will try
but it's here in case anyone wants to see whatever it might
be pointing at:
http://www.anacam.com

and i'll let you all know
when i go into labour on here, if i can
i think i will , at least, be able to type that much :)

i might just type something like:
"jidijbrfbwifbh labour"
:)
if you see that check the cam, ha :)