july 30th, 2007

today is lili's 1st birthday!

9:39pm

at this time a year ago today i was in complete terror. feeling the most excruciating pain i had ever known.
hunched over in a pool of hot water on all fours, mooing like a moose trying to eat my own leg off.
then on a toilet gripping my midwife's hand and then onto my bed on my back pushing with a strength i did not know i had in me at that point.
exhausted and scared, the love of my life holding the oxygen to my face. i had to get my baby out.
" i see her head!" someone exclaimed. perhaps my mother who was holding the flashlight to my open legs.
i didn't believe them. "is this true?" i moaned between trying not to hyperventilate.
i knew it was true because i could see a look i cannot describe correctly from my lover's face who hovered above me.
a look like seeing an angel, of complete and total awe and love.
this was REALLY happening.
i was REALLY doing it.
i was giving birth to my daughter.
everything was going to be ok.
i imagined a tunnel of pure white light with the power of 10,000 suns pushing my child from the crown of my head through my spine, and down through my vagina, opening up opening up opening up
let her out let her out let her out!
i pushed...i PUSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHED like a wild animal with one and only focus.
to survive.
the head is out the head is out!
so slippery....
then the rest of her little body came out in a whoosh
she slid out into this world so silent and warm
she was laid onto my chest, making gurgling sounds like a tiny kitten with a cold.
her glistening eyes blinking inot the light for the very first time.
her tiny fingers, the small of her back, her shiny little butt :)
"she's perfect" i whispered
my love's tears were now raining down on my face
such love and joy
such accomplishment
" i did it!" i proudly beamed to my mother
the pain was gone now, forgotten in the moment
i lay still swollen on the bed, sweaty, traumatized and dazed
what the hell had i just been through?
but here she was
my kitten
it all was worth it.
i am in love

 

 

july 26th, 2007

today is M's 27th birthday :))