may 17th , 2007
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a dream onto other things

i'm feeling all intense lately.
i'll blame my period (and i think i am entering that perimenopause thing a bit, too...which freaks me out)
and the wedding coming up and all that entails. just odds and ends of things. like getting invitations out.
finding shoes. feeling fat. feeling excited and in love, too, but not seeing enough of my man lately because he has crazy work hours.
i'm sick of thinking about things. i need to zone out. sit on a beach somewhere.
listen to gary numan. have a beer.

lili is rolling around on the floor touching everything she can get her little monkey paws on.
we went out in the stroller a bit ago and there was a cheesy wedding happening in the park.
they tried to light their unity candle but it was too windy and so they could not do it.
it was awkward and funny.
i got a little teary when they exchanged rings, tho.

back to the whole early intervention thing and trying to discern what is bugging me about it.
because certainly learning new skills is good. and you know, the women who come over are nice and all.
and it's free and so why do i have such a stick up my ass about the whole thing?
for god's sake, it doesn't appear to be so bad.

but still...i have this nagging thing i could not put my finger on that something about all of this was not right even tho it seemed to be.

i came across this:
http://www.michelinemason.com/topics/breaking.htm

and while that is not as dire as lili's situation by any stretch
there were elements about this article that finally got closer to hitting the nail on the head for me why early intervention feels wrong.

and here i will TRY to put it inot words that fit our situation better even tho i know i am going to fail miserably because it's SO complex it's hard for me to verbalize because it's about energy transaction and not anything outwardly tangible.

the crux of it is for strangers to come into our home and "pretend" to care about lili and engage lili in "play".....it's an "unnatural" relationship.
i think it may be teaching lili to trust people who have no "real" invested interest in her and to try and get her to perform certain tasks for praise.
it kind of reminds me of teaching my dogs to shake, to say it bluntly.
and i KNOW it's better than that. but there ARE similarities.

it just isn't NATURAL (for lack of a better term) to forge a relationship between a strange adult whose only motive is to get a child to perform a certain task for praise.
lili will, most likely, look up to these people because i am there giving it the A-OK go ahead, and she will want to please me , too, by pleasing them.
but these people don't really LOVE her and they are going to eventually leave her and the whole thing is just UNREAL.
it's like this fake relationship and why do i want to teach her that fake relationships where everything is so CONDITIONAL is something to strive for?
god, i really DON'T. it goes against everything i stand for.

i'm saying this a lot more harsh than it probably is.
EVERYONE has GOOD INTENTIONS.
the BEST of intentions
i'm not saying these people don't CARE.
they obviously do or they would not have made helping children their profession (one would assume)

but i think by bringing, essentially, strangers, into my home and showing lili that it is ok to trust then and not only that, but to give over her body for them to manipulate, touch, and hold and for her to learn to perform tasks (even if these tasks are good for her development) for their praise but ultimately empty and unnatural relationship...i think it could be harmful.
maybe not SUPER harmful. BUT...not worth the benefit she and i are receiving from it since, really, i could very easily do this on my own. by unnatural i mean "not in the flow of things". it just isn't a natural childhood type of thing to me. her childhood should not consist of people who are not friends or family coming over and trying to pretend to play with her.

these are just my still unformed thoughts on all of this today.
i'm still working this out and trying to understand it all.
i have a ways to go until i can really be succinct about it.
but i needed to write some of this out while it was till fresh in my mind.

because writing this out is my way of working this out.

more later perhaps

ETA:

ok, i also realize that a lot of this may be the whole "new mother" syndrome, also
and that perhaps i am being too paranoid of any dangers out there to a ridiculous degree.
but i have to work through this right now
because i ahve to figure this out.

it's so much pressure on me, i feel, like if i don't do it THIS way then i am condeming lili to a life lesser than she deserves.
and for freaks sake she is only 9 months old!
i mean, holy god, the pressure!

+++

ok, no more wailing.
i'm just going to follow my intution, as i always have.

it's never let me down so far.

i'll admit, i'm a little bummed that i don't "fit in" to the down syndrome community either.
i've always wanted to fit in somehwere, at least a little.
i keep hearing about all these lifelong friends everyone is meeting.
that "i just could not have done it without them"
this incredible bond.

i dunno.
it would have been nice to have fit in to somewhere finally, i cannot lie.

but, what i have is my family.
and i love them so much.
and really things ARE just about perfect in that.
i didn't even know i needed them so much.
but when they came to me, i realized.

i have NOTHING to complain about.
things are more than good.

i'm all fidgety.
and it's just growing and moving pains is all.

i have a man now.
i have a child now.
i have a home.
this is all new to me.
i'm trying for another child
i'm getting married.

so much has happened to me in the last year.
even tho it's all been joyful, it rearranges your molecules!

i'll be fine.
i AM fine
everything is fine.

it's just a lot of change all at once and i'm sifting though it all.

thanks for bearing with me :)