april 7th , 2007

 

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again, my apologies for not updating very often.
it really sucks not having the time/energy to update as well as sometimes there just isn't anything new to say.
my days are pretty similiar now.
things move along at a snail's pace.

winter is at it's end.
there have been a few 60 degree days that i haven't been able to get out inot and enjoy as well as a few snowstorms mixed in.

today is grey and 30ish something degrees.

it's m's day off so i have time to make an update today.

i'm trying now to think of everything i have to say inbetween sips of cold coffee.

lili turned 8 months old a week ago.
it blows my mind.
she is still behind developmentally, as to be expected.
she takes things at her own pace.
she doesn't really roll over yet whereas other children her age seem to be pulling themselves to a stand and crawling all over the place.
this is just the beginning of differences that will always be.
it's not sad for me, it just is what it is and lili is a happy clam.
but it's enough to take notice in ways i had not expected.
like watching movies that have babies in them...it's all stuff i cannot relate to and probably never will in the same way.
my experience with her growing up is going to be different than the hollywood movies portray.
the cute and funny baby shenanigans in that way.
and this will continue all of my life and her life.
movies about teenage years, high school stuff,
her getting married (possibly) having babies, too.
all the things people do with their children and watching their children grow up.
all of this will be different for us.

but really who knows what the future holds.
she's only 8 months old.
but as a mother, i cannot help but wonder about these things probably because at almost every turn it is broadcast to me all these images of what the "typical" child is and what the "typical" child will do and be and say etc etc etc.

lili is finally passing objects from one hand to another.
i've noticed that she is starting to user her thumb more as a separate part of her hand but she still doesn't have the pincer grasp down at all. (picking up an object with her pointer finger and thumb).

she is saying "na na na na na na" a lot.
i say "mama" to her and m says "dada" and i think that part of it is getting through to her because once in awhile she will say "nana" and sometimes get very excited about it as if she knwos she is communicating to us.

she still isn't interested in solids much yet. i feed her some here and there but she is just not super into it.
but really i need to get on that more and try some new things with her.
i will try that today.

my mom is finally doing better. after a whole month of only getting her nutrition from an IV, my mom is able to eat real food.
she still has the IV in her arm tho just in case they need to reinsert something. but i think she may be able to get that out of her this week.
it's wonderful to see and hear her sounding like her old self again.

maybe even next week my mom will be able to babysit lili again which will be wonderful because i need a break!

my brain is turning into sludge because i don't have time to concentrate on anything.
if i try to watch tv i hold lili at the same time and she fidgets and needs a lot of stimulation.
and lili will "talk" through everything. so i only 1/2 watch things on tv.

and if i am at the computer doing things, it's the same thing.
there really isn't enough time to concentrate on anything besides peruse through LJ halfassed.

and my eyes are starting to go!
i need some reading glasses.
words, especially in dim light, are starting to be wobbly to me.

i keep starting to crochet things and get about 20 stitches in before i have to put it down again.

my house is full of little 2' crocheted circles, and that is the end of all my crocheting.

and because i don't have the time or concentration to read and my eyes are going, that's the end of that, too.

so all that is left for me is watching reality tv on vh1 and top chef on barvo out of the corner of my eye and lurking through various LJ drama communities for something even remotely interesting to pass the hours.

yes, it is seriously THAT bad.

when i have an hour free, i take it to lay on the bed and stretch my back, try and eat something, take a shower, clean, or stare into space.

lili LOVES to listen to lindsey buckingham's cd "under the skin" so much so that i play it for her 3 times a day, at least, when all else fails to amuse her.
i'm glad she likes good music but if i never had to hear that album again, i'd be ok with that.

i'm trying to find something elose she loves to listen to just as much, but so far , no cigar.
it has to be lindsey buckingham.

in a few weeks (the 18th) i turn 42!
what the hell?

to celebrate, m is taking me to see kraftwerk!
they are FINALLY playnig in minneapolis for the 1st time ever, i think.
before i had to always go to chicago to see them.

i am SO PSYCHED!

i wish i had something fabulous to wear.
something i FIT INTO!

i am seriously depressed about my weight and i want to lose 20 pounds.
i surely didn't foresee gaining weight AFTER my pregnancy.
i was so happy i hadn't gained much weight during.

when i see myself in cam pictures i just absolutely cringe.
i wish i wasn't so vain in this way, but i admit i am.
it's really hard to age and i don't think i am very gracefully at all, even tho M would disagree with me, god bless his loving soul.

i know it just sounds completely horrid of me to say, but as i am aging i am starting to look so much like my mother and this is really bothering me.
maybe it's because she instilled in me that she is ugly and fat and has pretty much said that to some effect as long as i have known her...so much so that now i somewhat beleive it?

it's hard to get to the bottom of but it may just be that simple.
and i wish i could undo that conditioning.
because there is no way in hell i want to pass this on to my daughter.
i always want my daughter to feel she is beautiful no matter what her body shape.
yet i have a very difficult time applying this to my onw self.
it's so easy for me to be more accpeting of others.
and i am more than upset at myself for not being able to get past the whole body image thing when it comes to me.

i used to be so photogenic. and a big part of me can just be happy that i EVER WAS so photogenic, and say at least i had it for awhile and it was fun and now it's over...it's hard to let go of that.
no one want to feel unsexy.
but m finds me just as sexy as ever and so why can't i just be happy with that?
what am i trying to prove or be or just what is this all about?
and seriously wjho has TIME for this bullshit when you're trying to raise a beautiful little child being?

god, not me. i'm sick to death of thinking about it.
really iw ish i could just move to the country and live in a place where there is no mirrors and i never have to see another person again just so i feel i could be free of all judgments, imagined or otherwise.

and the wedding is coming up and we have done nothing to prepare for it.
i don't know what kind of dress to wear.
i am perplexed by the whole thing.

i'm going to TRY to walk every day in the mornign while m watches lili.
i was going to start this yesterday but then it rained.

maybe i could even see if m could watch lili from 7am til 11am or so so i could get in a walk, a shower, and maybe even do some photography of crocheting until he leaves for work around 1ish.

i just really need to have some time to be creative and get some movement in and get back into shape.
or i will lose my mind.

and i need to get in shape for buh #2.

i still hvaen't gotten my period back yet.
i wonder when i will?

i'm kind fo scared to get it.
i haven't had it in over a year!

i still really dislike this new apartment.
and i don't know if ever i will like it.
it just feels always claustrophobic in here.

the thought of moving again makes me feel ill.

so anyway, long story short, i am a tiny bit depressed and frustrated.
i need there to be spring and get outside and walk.
and i need to have a few hours in the day where i can be creative or something.
and lose 20 pounds.

these are all achievable goals, so while i am a bit depressed for now, i know that it will pass.

it's just a temporary frustration.

and the frustration of seeing this site slowly die.
almost 11 years of my work.
and i wonder if it will pick up again.
and i surely hope so.

but right now all i can do is take each hour at a time, try to stay sane, and just continue raising my daughter.

and i must say i am doing a very good job in that.
i am a really good mother.
and lili is a happy little purr being.
she gets all the love and attention she could ever want.
she lives a life of leisure and wonder :)

even tho being a mother is tiring at times, i would not trade it for the world.
and i love this adventure i am on, even tho it is a slow paced adventure.