february 29 2007

IMAGES

9:37pm

ok, going to try and type and then make milk and then go to bed ( and i have a pot of soup on the stove...homemade chicken broth, celery, tomato, carrots, leeks, cauliflower, broccoli, parsley and sweet potato...i was going to make dumplings too but they will not fit)

it has been hard to keep this site up since lili was born...and i struggle with the idea of keeping it.

i am spilt in 1/2 on it.
i'd like to just focus on lili and say goodbye to the online world, for her safety and for my sanity.
and because i have taken picture now of everything and the kitchen sink (literally)

i feel like (and i have struggled with this) what i did (and am doing now) DID matter for the last decade but i am not so sure it actually matters now.
people (most) have forgotten and moved.
and I AM OK WITH THAT.
what i did served it's purpose IN ITS TIME.

and i have two mind's about it right now.

one is....stop while you are still slighltly "ahead"
(i have no idea what ahead means....still basically "beautiful"...still able to make rent...still have SOME people engaged?)

look at all the flaws in that sentence and "bad thinking"

it really goes against much of what i ever stood for.

beauty...money...entertainment.....

all such transitory and shallow things.

but still so engaging.

i find myself looking at the cam pictures that are saved every 30 seconds and when i see myself in them...i cringe.

certainly i have weighed more....my top being 136 at a low in my life (not because of my weight but because of almost everythng in my life)
and now me at 121 or so
so really it isn't about that.

and TRULY, i AM the happiest i have EVER been....and perhaps therein lies part of the problem weirdly....i am so happy and content (except for money and my body) that i ahve no desire to say much!

i am rambling on so many different subjects now...my brain is branching out like it used to and this is going to take a novel to write out...my problem is i am SO tired and just want to sleep now!

i am fading fast....

i feel, in part, if i ramble on about how much i love my daughter i am going to seem disingenuine.
but really when i think of writing in here....that is ALL i want to write...and indeed that IS pretty much all i say throughout the day (besides OMG my body is going to hell).

i guess i could just ramble on and on and on about how in love i am with my daughter because, afterall, it IS my life and that is the truth and this IS my site and i have vowed to always make it as honest as i can despite the entertainment factor and all.

god there is so much to say and i have only prefaced....

and i am fading fast.

all i can do is say things as they come inot my head and type it.

this may take me days or weeks or even months to say properly.

ok, i must wrap this up before i fall over...and i'll try again to say it better
this may be only temporary.
i miss you all so much.
of COURSE i miss doing updates, making you photos, writing....

this is the most painful growing pain yet

i'm trying to sort it all out as i write it.

i DO feel the best is yet to come.

but right now....UNDERSTANDABLY....i have gone through quite the midlopp..

baby, hormones, moving into a new place, mom has cancer and STILL in the hospital (compliations)

and i TRY, i TRY to write updates in here (and now i am TRYING to eat some of the soup i made but i am also dripping milk all over my leg as i tupe this and must go pump)

 

so much more to say...

so much...

it's not over yet.
yep, i still have so much more....

but i have to go now....as usuual

thank you SO much for staying with me

seriously

i think if you could see the impact on my life you'd be quite floored.

especially now since there are so few of you...
you really are impacting my life, and more importantly, lili's life!, in the most direct wa
y



9:05pm

leap day!

i'm going to go make supper and then try and come back here while it is cooking to tyoe to you!

i am still here and i miss you all!

 

 

february 28, 2007

IMAGES

words to come!