january 27, 2008

IMAGES

8:48am

it's weird to always be getting up in the morning now.
like before the sun rises even.
lili usually wakes up about 7am.

then i slam caffeine and try and keep up with her.

today is my mom's birthday. i think she is 63 or 64? i'm not sure!

she is still in the hospital :(
i have been visiting her....which is hard with lili in tow.

her surgery was major. HUGE scar from her pubic bone to above her belly button!

but she has gotten back all the info since her surgery and it looks like they got it all and she will not even need chemo or radiation.
amazing!

on the 2nd day she was OUT OF IT, understandably...on that morphine drip.

she said she was hallucinating, hearing a reggae band in the corner of her room playing evil music.

weirdly, i heard bob marley music come out of my vent in the bedroom yesterday out of nowhere.
and my apartment is totally silent otherwise.

it wasn't evil, tho :)

today we are going to go visit her again. i wish i could bring her a birthday cake, but she isn't hungry.
she hasn't really been able to eat yet and it's been a week.

when i was there 2 days ago the doctor she she may be able to go home on monday (that is tomorrow)

i don't know if i will have to go stay with her at her house to help take care of her.

+++

in lili news, i don't think lili is ready for solids yet.

she doesn't seem to be interested at all.

she will kind of 1/2 heartedly taste foods i give her in a quizzical manner, but it's only about 15% interest.
she doesn't really try to swallow it.

so far she has tried (tasted), banana, carrot, squash, egg yolk, prune, oatmeal, and the tiniest piece of a pancake with maple syrup.

she'll be 6 months old this coming wednesday (in 4 days)

the difference between lili and other babies her age is just now starting to become a little bit apparent as other babies seem almost more toddler like and really getting more mobile and eating solids whereas lili doesn't even roll over much and is not interested in anything other than a bottle.

which is fine by me because it just means i get to enjoy her longer being tiny and i get to snuggle her into me when i feed her. because really, it IS true that they grow up so fast.

i'll be able to enjoy her as a baby for longer then average.

she is such a tender and earnest creature.

 

+++

i wish i had more time to spend on creative activities.
ana2 has slowed down so much.
people are, understandably, unsubscribing.

i don't think i'll be making much of a living from this site for very much longer if it continues like this.

i know that ana2 will become "entertaining" again when lili is abel to hold her own bottle and sit up by herself...because that will open up a lot more time for me (it think?)

but there is not much i can do in the meantime.
i have to take care of lili and i don't have much of a choice in the matter.

i don't know what the future holds for me in that regard.
and i'm scared about it.

ana2 MIGHT make enough money just for diapers and formula for lili. and that might be about it.

i think about this all the time and worry about it.
i try to just let go but it's hard because money, as everyone knows, is the earth's #2 stresser (the 1st would be health, i think).

in the future, i hope to make more money selling hats, but i just don't have time to make hats right now , even tho i keep trying really hard to pick up a crochet hook and make one.
my brain is just not there , i don't have the concentration and i don't have the time.

there is so much to take photos, of , too.
and i just do not have the time or concentration for it.

+++

milk making is a struggle.
i make only about 11 to 15 ounces a day now.
today i am going to try and pump every 2 hours to try and get my supply back up.
but then...i am going to visit my mom today in the hospital which will make it impossible for me to do that during that time.

it's always something that gets in the way.

but i'm going to go pump now, even if it's just for 10 minutes because it's been 2 hours again and i'm going to try my darndest.