january 4, 2008

IMAGES

2:10pm

my mom is trying to drag me back inot the hellhole we were in when we were fighting years ago. a little over a year, i guess is when it "stopped". or when we decided to just not talk about it anymore because it was never going to be resolved because she has her reality and i have my reality on that.

some things you cannot resolve and you just have to live with that. this is one such thing.
i've made my peace with that.
and i'm not even going to go into all the processes i went through for years to get to this point.
at least not now.

my mom has not made peace with it and now, because she has cancer, she is trying to drag us all inot it again.

i understand she wants ti resolved. i understand it hurts her. it hurts me too. i also would like it resolved.
but it is not ever going to be. that is the reality of it.
she thinks she did nothing wrong whatsoever and she cannot even remember why i was even mad at her.
all she can seem to remember is i called her a bunch of named and she wants me to apologize for that.

so i have apologized for hurting her.
i apologized for calling her names.

i never want to HURT my mother.

but no amount of apologizing short of licking her boots, which i am not going to do, will satisfy her.
and now that she has cancer....ohmigod her it comes again but this time a whole new beats of fear/pain/blame/guilt and god knows what else when it all comes boiling up to the surface when a person is facing death.

i just about went back there today and cried from deep in my soul a horrible despair that could never feel or see a bottom to it.
an cornered animal cry or being tortured and never seeing the light of an end in sight.

suffering upon suffering.

hell, in otherwords.
hell in every sense of the word.

i can't go back there.
i WON'T go back there.

i have a daughter to raise, for one.
i can't afford to sit around and wail wanting to throw up and hyperventilate while my daughter needs to be fed and held and loved and cared for.

i won't do that to my daughter.

i don't mean to sound insensitive.
when someone has cancer nothing sounds worse than not giving in 100% to that person's needs, whatever they may be.

i am tehre for my motehr.
i will care for her. i will take care of her.
i will help her out with her cancer.
i will love her and hold ehr and listen to her in ALL aspects EXCEPT for about that one time.

which NEEDS to be in the past now and let go of.

i will NOT live in the past and i especially will NOT live in or even revisit THAT past.

i acknowledge that it happened and i am in pain about it.
but i live with that pain and let it be and move on.

right NOW everything is ok.
right NOW my mom has a daughter who loves her and a new granddaughter in her life.

right NOW my mom could have come over today and i was making pork roast for her and i would be with ehr and she could be with lili and we could have tea, not that we need to pretend.
but it's not going to do any good whatsoever to rehash shit from the past that can never be resolved.
drowing everyone AGAIN in the process.

i refuse to let me daughter even be around that kind fo energy.

i ACKNOWLEDGE it all.
but i also acknowledge what i CAN control and what i CAN'T.
and i recognize what my limits are and what i am capable of dealing with.

i realize that this is my CHOICE.

and she is making her own choices.

i cannot help her deal with death.
i cannot help her, ultimately, find her peace with things she cannot control.

i have been over EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of this and THEN SOME with her for YEARS.
i have gone to counseling with her. i have tried every trick in the book.
i have yelled, screamed, cried, rationalized, detached, consoled, loved, listened, shut out, drank myself under tables, wanted to die and got back up again.

i have done EVERYTHING in my personal power short of dropping myself off a bridge to try and make this end.

i have TOLD her that i will talk about ANYTHING with her but i will not talk about THAT.

she CANNOT use her cancer now as leverage.
she has always used her sicknesses as leverage.

and i know she isn't CONSCIOUSLY trying to use cancer to manipulate me. my god i'm not that callous.
she really has cancer and the doctors are so concerned they are already talking to her about chemotherapy and she hasn't even been in surgery yet.

this is SERIOUS stuff!!!
and i am freaking out too!

but it's like i cannot even allow myself to FEEL much about her having cancer because she is already pushing me far far farrrrr away by bringing up all this BULLSHIT with me again.
and i have NOTHING left in me in that regard.
there is nothing but as wasteland in me in regards to that whole fiasco in the past.
it has been nuked from here to kingdom come.

i will NOT go back there again!!!!

this is so hard.
i feel like i am an unfeeling monster.
i know i am anything but.
when someone has cancer i know that you are just supposed to bow down to anything and everything they say and make it all better no matter what the cost to anyone and everything.

but i won't do that.
at least not today.

i don't know what more i can say to her!
do i jsut start to make shit up to appease her?
do i jsut apologize for anything, everythuing and then some and just say i was crazy and i made it all up and god mom, you're the BEST you always WERE the best and always will be 100% forever?
and god i have been SO bad please forgive me, your uncaring rotten daughter who just did not have enough love in her heart to see this?
WTF?
what does she want from me???


she said we need to sit down and talk ALL of this out because she doesn't even understand what happened between us!

seriously!

i cannot even BEGIN to tell you HOW EXPLICIT i have been in explaining things to her over the years.
if she hasn't even heard ANYTHING i have to say AGAIN...what more can i do?

all i can say is i refuse to go back there.
i refuse to be pulled into the hellhole with her.
i'll even bet this is what gave her cancer in the 1st place.

this..festering in her intestines.

she has to find a way to let it go and there is nothing i can do about this except to detach if she is going to try and drag me into it with her.

i can't go there again or i will die.

i don't know at what level this is going to get to.
i don't know if she will live or die.
none of us know when or how we will die.

i could die tomorrow for all we know.

anyone could die tomorrow from something.

what we have is NOW.

that is ALL we have.

right now she HAS a daughter who loves her and who is here.
right NOW she could have come over for love but she CHOOSES to go back and live in the hellish past and try to drag us all with her.

NO.
NO NO NO.

i want this to be a GOOD year!
this IS a good year!

right NOW everything is OK!

my mom is probably crying now inconsolable wretched tears.
she is in ultimately lonliness and feeling completely out of control.
she is in hell.

and for this, her husband will blame me, and he will glare at me again for god knows how many months.
years even>

rinse and repeat.

and it will be so tense when we see each other.
and no one will say anything.
and my mom will cry.
and i will retreat and seem like a monster for doing so.

i am the horrible rotten daughter.

i can't imagine ever doing anything like this to lili.

but my mom doesn't mean to.
at least i hope not.
i've given up trying to understand.
it is something i will never understand.
it is something i have no control over.

it is the pain of life.
it is wabi sabi.

i'm trying to just go on with my day because lili needs me.

and that is that.

i will practice nonattachment.
i will try to keep living with an open heart.

i will try to just listen to my mom and let it pass through me like water.