october 24, 2007
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birth story
well, after 3 months, i have finally gotten down a very super long rambly rough draft of a birth story.
it was a planned homebirth, pain meds free.
if you don't want read about how birth can be painful, then don't read this.
my birth experience was painful....but i am very glad i did it the way i did it nonetheless!

here it is:

i got pregnant sometime in november 2006 at 40 years old.
it was something i had never planned on. i don't even like children and i was satisfied with my 3 dogs :)
but at 40, here i was!
so i after a lot of deliberation with my boyfriend, we decided to have the child.

neither one of us has any health insurance, so a hospital birth seemed out of the scope of our finances. so because of lack of funds and hate of hospitals, i started researching giving birth in our apartment.

i googled to find a midwife who did homebirths, and i came across janet schwab (www.2eachherown.com). she was the only one i could find.

soon i would realize that all of these "limitations" would be blessings and everything was unfolding more perfectly than i had ever imagined it could be. janet was the perfect midwife for us. we could never asked for better! i highly recommend her. she even did housecalls for all my prenatal care which was great because i do not drive.

knowing what i know now (i researched everything about birth for 12 hours a day or more every single day from the moment i found out i was pregnant until the moment i gave birth!) i feel extremely fortunate that i chose to have a homebirth.

i got to labour in a familiar environment with only the people i love around me.

here is the birth i imagined i would have (wished i would have):
i would start to go into labour and i would call m at work and tell hi "you better come home because i think today is the day you will meet your daughter!"
i would labour for 12 hours,and the the 1st 6 to 8 hours, the labour would be so that i could talk through it and want to distract myself from it by doing some sort of project...like crochet or play scrabble. i had read many birth stories of women doing this. we even had cookies we were going to bake for the people who were going to be at the birth (my mom, my friends to videotape and be doula, the midwife and her assistant).

when things started to get super painful, i would hold on to my boyfriend (now fiance), M, and look deep into his eyes and tell him i loved him.

when transition would start to happen (when the baby starts descending down the birth canal) i was expecting to perhaps have some sort of shamanistic experience. in that i would feel something mystical. i mean i was after all giving BIRTH, "straddling between two worlds and all that. surely i would feel something within that realm of experience?
i had read that time could stand still at this point. that i would be so in the "now" that i would even forget, perhaps, that i was even giving birth and would have to be reminded to get back my focus.

even tho i had a birth tub, i never could imagine actually giving birth in the water.
i always imagined doing it on the bed.
i couldn't imagine my child actually emerging from me...it was too inconceivable, but i did imagine that when it happened i would cry. i cried when i watched any birth on tv...partially because i knew i would someday have my daughter in my arms and also because i could not understand how something that big could fit through a hole so tiny in me. but my midwife assured me that women are "very stretchy" :)

i should back track and say that during my pregnancy i was having very intense braxton hicks contractions months before i gave birth. i wondered if birth might feel like those but just more intense. sometimes with women who get a lot of braxton hicks contractions have a shorter labour because really braxton hicks are part of the labouring process. it's like being in very slow labour for months.

i had read birth could feel like anything between having an orgasm and feeling like one was going to die and split in two.
i was definitely hoping for the orgasm! why not?

i was told i would feel like i wanted to take a large poo :)

no one could really adequately explain it to me.

(i feel i am writing this so matter of factly and blah...i have such a cold right now and feel out-of-it and unfocused. also, this is hard for me to write because there is so much to this , it's hard to write about it. and it's emotional and hard to relive)

i asked women what birth felt like in the pregnant lj community. most said that it was not the most pain they had ever experienced. things that had hurt worse: migraine headaches, dental surgery, kidney stones, broken bones.

i was familiar with migraine headaches and i found those to be unbearable..but it was something i had gone though and if it hurt LESS than that, then i figured i would make it though.

this is how the birth actually happened to me...

on july 30th at 5:20am M came to bed, and that woke me up. i felt a really low menstrual-like cramp that felt more intense than others i had been feeling that week.
i had a tinge of "ohhh! i wonder if this could be it!" flood through me but tried to not get excited. i had read that things like this can go on for weeks. i got up to go the bathroom and after about 40 minutes it subsided. but i did time them for awhile and they were 6 minutes apart. but as it subsided i fell back to sleep.

i can't remember now when i woke up again. it might have been around 11am or so.
i was feeling the menstrual like cramps again but they weren't as intense.
but by 1pm they started to feel intense again.
i told M about them and decided to time them.
again, they were about 6 minutes apart.
we both raised our eyebrows nervously and knew that this could be it or this could just pitter out and be nothing. but about a week before i had lost my mucous plug and things just started feeling more intense in general. the babies head was way down low making it harder and harder to walk, and when i did walk i would get even more intense braxton hicks contractions and would have to stop and rest.

the night before july 30th i had gotten all the birth supplies ready for the midwife.
and i had baked banana bread. m commented on how i was nesting and we both laughed and wondered out loud how funny it would be if the baby arrived exactly on ehr due date (july 30th). only something like 5% of babies actually arrive on their due date, and for first time pregnancies, births usually occur a little after the 41st week.

(i know i'm skipping around a lot in all of this. i'm trying to remember everything about this for myself. it's probably boring to you, but i feel a need to write it all down)

the whole pregnancy, itself, progressed perfectly. no complications. we had an ultrasound in the 22nd week and found out it was a girl. she looked perfectly formed. everything seemed A-OK. seeing her in the ultrasound was beautiful and emotional. and such a relief to see she was "all there"..all her toes, fingers, limbs, spine, heart, nose, lips, eyes. i cried happiness tears when they said she seemed to be a girl. we both wanted a girl so much. i was relieved to see her. she looked so friendly. it made it all the more real.

(weeks have passed since i wrote all of that and now i am going to attempt to continue in my rambling roundabout way)

ok, so back to the contractions. i timed them from about 1pm til 3:30pm, i think.
here is where i timed them and posted them to my LJ:

http://ana.livejournal.com/1900639.html

my midwife called and she was in the middle of packing to move that day and so was calling to ask if she could reschedule her appointment she had with us that day for my 40 week check up (it was the actual due date). i said that i may be in labour but i wasn't really sure. she said to call her if it turned into actual labour and if not, then i'd see her tomorrow. she stayed with me on the phone during a few. at some point i know i called her back and the contractions hurt so much i had to put the phone down and then continue talking to her when it had subsided. the timeline of it all is becomig hazy to me. i should have written my birth story sooner. maybe m can refresh my memory.

the contractions started to become too painful to deal with timing them anymore.
during the contractions i would start hitting my hand on the desk and trying to breathe through them as best as i could.

(i'm getting a stomache ache just typing this)

soon i had to get down on all fours on the bed while they happened.
and soon i was just moaning and making animal noises.
m asked me if he should call janet (the midwife) i think i just grunted "yes, no, maybe, i don't know, whatever"

he took this to mean yes :)

so he called her and also called my friend elaine to come and pick up the dogs.

i was pretty much always on all fours from this point on, on the bed, just grunting and breathing through the contractions. making strange animal noises that i did not even recognize. i think i sounded like a wounded, trapped animal. it was not pretty to hear.
i FELT like a wounded trapped animal.

i had read about how women feel they are splitting in two when they give birth.
i always imagined this feeling to feel like your pelvis is coming apart, because it makes to sense if i make is coming out of you.

but it's not like that at all.
it's a splitting in two like the top half of me was being ripped away from the bottom half of me.
i kept imagining it's like how a bug must feel when the top half of it's body gets torn from the bottom half by some sadistic boy.
or sort of like how i would imagine if a meat grinder was grinding, pulvarizing, squeezing/crushing like a boa constrictor, and ripping your inards out of you while you are still alive. like being eaten alive by a shark, over and over and over again, every 3 minutes.

it was a pain i was not prepared for. there isn't anything that could prepare you for that kind of pain, i don't think.
i'm glad i took my childbirth classes (birthing from within). but i don't think anything i learned there i was able to apply to my situation.

i didn't get any transitional periods. for me, it was basically....hmm, i wonder if i am in labour? i should time the contractions to "wham! ohmigod! i feel like i am being eaten alive!" and it stayed that way until the very end.

there was no break, there weren't different stages that felt different for me.

it was just excruciating pain and i was hyperventilating and trying not to.
i knew i had to make what i could out of the times inbetween the contractions so i would not tire myself out. but the times inbetween were so short, it was hard to find any comfort in it.

i was scared and didn't think this was normal.
i started to feel stuff ooze out of me down my leg, and i was still wearing my leggings but i could not move to get them off nor did i care.

i yelled to m to get the shower curtain under me.

janet arrived and got the leggings off of me.
and she put the doppler on my belly to hear lili's heartbeat.

she and m worked at getting the enormous birth tub filled.

it was a super hot day. it had been in the 90's all week long. this day was no different.
so filling the bedroom with a tub full of hot water turned the bedroom into a sauna.
i didn't notice this but everyone told me about that later.

finally the tub was filled. in between contractions i willed myself to move to get into it. i still remained on all fours.

the thing the water was good for was to help me float a little and get the pressure off trying to keep myself up on all fours. it did help my back because of this, but i was not in back labour, i was told later, because the baby was in a good position.
i can't even imagine what back labour would feel like on top of everything.

the water came right up to my mouth so as i made my animal noises, sometimes i would end up gurgling in the water, too.
in between contractions i cried.

i said over and over "this can't be normal"
but janet kept reassuring me "yes, this is normal". i partly believed her, and partly did not.
janet felt my cervix at around 4:30pm, i think, and i was 4 cm dilated.

i had read about how time was supposed to "stand still" when you are in labour or how you have no sense of time.
i totally had sense of time. i was never not aware of it.

in fact, i was so aware of it, that at 7pm i remember being irritated that i was missing my tv show "hell's kitchen" ha :)
i still cannot believe that here i was in full blown labour and i still actually CARED that i was missing hell's kitchen. how bizarre is that?
m admitted to me later on that he thought the exact same thing at the same time :)
we sure do love that show!

at 7:30pm janet decided to see how dilated i was, and she was totally surprised to find that i was 10cm! she said "you can start to push now!" she called her assistant for her to come. at some point, m also called my mom and she came and elaine came and got the dogs.
i thought wow! i'm going to have this baby out soon!

but the weird thing was, i felt NO urge to push.
i had read that the pushing stage usually comes as a relief for women and that they are actually happy push and it feels good compared to the rest.

not for me. there wasn't any point where pushing felt good to me.
and i thought the pushing part would come naturally for me, but it just did not.
i really had to get a feel for it. it FELT like i was pushing with all my might, and i was...but they just kept saying for me to try harder and i was exasperated and pissed and saying "I AM!!!!"

after an hour of trying to push i started to feel really exhausted even more and i had serious doubts that i would be able to get this baby out. i didn't feel like i was making any progress. i was not feeling the baby move down the birth canal like i had read that you would be able to feel. i did not feel anything different. all i felt still was just the same feeling of being eaten alive and having my entire abdomen feel like it was being crushed by a semi truck into a cement wall.

the baby's heartbeat started to go down and janet said that i needed to get out of the tub to try new positions to get the baby out.

i didn't want to. i was in so much pain i could not imagine moving.
but they demanded that i do because it was so important to get the baby out since the heart rate was going down.
with all the will power in me i got out and janet suggested i go sit on the toilet.
she also wanted me to try to pee get my bladder empty to make more room for the baby to descend. i didn't want to be on the toilet. i had several contractions on it and grabbed janet's hand and squeezed it and just tried to remain balanced on the toilet and not double over and fall off.

she said "would you rather be on the bed?" i said "yes!" and made it to the bed as fast as i could before another contraction came.

i tried labouring on my side and janet and her assistant showed me how to hold my legs.
i was extremely difficult and painful to be on my bed and i just wanted back inot the tub and to be on all fours. but i knew that position wasn't getting the baby out so i had to try these others, as excruciating as they were.

instructions of how to hold my legs didn't make any sense to me. how was i supposed to hold me legs all relaxed and relax all of me while simultanously pushing with all my might while feeling i was being ripped apart? it seemed laughable.
i said at some point that i think i should go to the hospital. but i knew i could NOT deal with being moved like that onot a stretcher and into an ambulance and everythnig that would entail. that scenario seemed like a total nightmare and i didn't know what they could do for me anyway.

i do know that if i were in a hospital, tho, i would have BEGGED for pain relief of any kind. in retrospect i am VERY glad that i was not in a hospital so this wish was not able to happen.

then they had me try on my back with me holding my legs back.
this position did the trick, or it was lili's time to come out, or i became better at pushing or all 3, because finally there was progress that people could see.

i still could not feel her descending down the birth canal, but then she started to crown a bit. this got my mom and m very excited and emotional and m started to say "you're doing it1 you're doing it!" and i'll never forget the expression on his face of total amazement, joy, wonder, love, and other indescribale primal things. it was wonderful to see :)
but i could not focus on his face much, i had to put everything i had into pushing.
when i pushed it felt like my guts were going to come flying out of me and this scared me. but i knew i had to push this way if i was going to get lili out safe and sound and not in a hospital. she was almost here and dammit i was going to get her out!
i was exhausted beyond compare but somehow i found it in me to push with every last fiber of my being as if my life and the life of my baby depended on it. i visualized that my entire core from my head down my spine to out my vagina was a tunnel of white light and i focused every single thing in me to push her out down this tunnel i was visualizing.

i did feel her crown more and i think janet asked if i wanted to feel her head and she put my had down tehre and i think i felt her but i really could not be bothered with thinking about that as everything in me just had to focus on pushing every time there was a contraction.

my mom was holding oxygen to my face and then during the last part m was the one up by my head holding the oxygen to my face...because we needed to get as much oxygen to lili as possible because of her heart rate. when m would hold the oxygen to my face he was talking to me in a soothing tone. i don't recall what he said but it was comforting to have him there and he is what got me through it all. i heard the excitement in his voice and that is what gave me the strength for those last few pushes to get her out.

i tried my best to also breathe in between contractions to get air to her and to myself.

and then just like that, her head was out!
the crowning and getting her body out of me was not painful at all.
here i was worried that that would be the part that would hurt the most.
that part was a piece of cake!
it was nice to feel her slippery body sliding out of me FINALLY!
she was born at 9:38pm...i count the actual labour as being between 3:30pm and 9:30pm

that part happened so fast and before i knew it, her slimey slippery wonderful little body was on my chest.
i couldn't believe it, there are no words to describe it.
i felt out of it and dizzy and completely eleated and in shock that she was here....out of me...on my chest!
i looked at my mom and said "i did it! i did it!"

my mom was crying and M was crying tears of joy :)

strangely, i thought i would cry, too, but i did not.
i had cried at every single birth video before i had her, and i still cry at every one i see this day , too. but for her birth, i did not cry one single tear.
i think it was because i had SO much adrenaline shooting through my system. i was still in major primal survival mode so my body did not have the luxury of crying. and i was exhausted, and frankly, i was totally traumatized by the whole experience.

but here was lili, real and alive outside of my body!
she cried little gurgly cries and they suctioned her mouth and nose with the little tiny blue rubber syringe. she barely opened her eyes, but little by little her sounds became less sounding like she had fluid in her.

janet and her assistant brought lili up to my breast to breastfeed so that the nipple stimulation would bring the placenta out.
i was shocked at how strong her suck was and how immediately she knew how to do it!
maybe about 10 minutes later my placenta came out.
i was SO RELIEVED to get EVERYTHING out of me.

i don't recall when M got to cut the cord...if it was before or after the placenta came out. but it was after it stopped pulsing, to be sure.
i asked m if i could see the umbilcal cord after he cut it and he brought it over to me but the feel and look of it was too much for me since i was too faint and not feeling at all well.

i was really looking forward to feeling the euphoria of giving birth and feeling really hungry afterwards. but i did not feel hungry at all or feel euphoric. i just felt ridiculously exhausted but at the same time so mcuh adrenaline was pumping in me i felt shakey and buzzy.

i ended up forcing myself to eat some yogurt, i think.
and i drank some more gatorade. i ahd been drinking gatorade all thoughuot my labour as my mom or someone would bring it to me in a straw as i hung over the side of the birth tub.

the placenta went into a tupperware into the freezer and it's still there :)

as i laid in the bed with lili on me nursing to get the placenta out, my mom got on her cell phone and called my dad with the news and m called his parents, too.

they would hold the phone to me to talk but i did not want to talk and could not take it in. i just wanted to lay there and recuperate.

i ended up having to get only one stitch. it didn't hurt to get the stitch, but i was really afraid it would. i wanted everything that could happen to my vagina over and done with!

when that was finally done, they put the big pads on me to soak up the rest of everything.

oh, and i forgot to say that while i was labouring on the bed, janet had to put a catheter in me. augh. but she had to get the pee out to get the baby to have more room.
and maybe that is also what helped get her out.

anyway, i was just in shock and feeling really proud and amazed with myself that i got lili out all by myself in my bed without any meds!
i really did it.
and i know that so many people say you "don't get a medal" for doing a birth pain meds free...but i think that is ridiculous. you maybe don't get an actual medal, but you do get something WAY better! this amazing sense of empowerment and trust in your willpower and your body. not to mention all the health benefits. and really, it's hard to put inot words, but there are SO many layers and levels to it all. it is a great feeling of satisfaction. and it's NOT because i was able to "endure" the pain.
giving birth without meds is not about some macho marathon in pain endurance or tolerance. and even tho giving birth was the most painful and traumatic experiences of my life, and at the time, it was ALL about the pain and nothing more. pain permeated every essence of me...in retrospect, i see that birth was not much about the pain.
and that doesn't even make SENSE, i know. i don't really know yet how to convey this.
but in a way, the birth had NOTHING to do with the pain even tho at the time it was everything there was.

and i guess, that is why, in part, as crazy as it sounds, i can't wait to do it all over again!

the end result of it all, my beautiful little lili bean....is beyond worth it.
and i am glad i was able to give her a birth free of drugs and medical intervention.
that she was able to come into this world right into my arms, our room, our bed.
she deserves that because she is a precious little being of light :)

i'm sure this birth story will scare a lot of peolpe about having birth naturally, without pain meds and not in a hospital (i had a hospital i could go to which was only 5 minutes away, tho, for those who'd like to know).
and i do wish i could tell you that my birth experience was all spiritual and orgasmic.
but it just wasn't!
and really, i'm ok with that now.
birth can be a very painful thing.
but here's the deal....it's only a few hours of your life and then it's over.
it's true, i did not break in 1/2, i did not die.
i was not even hurt expect for one small stitch.
my body is an amazing machine, and even tho i was a crying moaning mess during labour...in the end i DID it and i DO have the willpower and strength to birth a child.
this is a wonderful thing to KNOW and experience. and i would not have had it any other way.

i do wish that more women would write and talk about how painful birth can be, because i think if i had read more birth stories like mine, i wouldn't have been so scared that what i was going through wasn't normal.

i do realize that some women have a birth experience that is not as painful, and even downright enjoyable.

well, maybe next time for me? ha :)

i may add things to this or delete things or rewrite thie entirely.
this is just the very rough draft in trying to get it written down at all!

and i'd also like to add how a few minutes after we found out lili had down syndrome and all the emotions that went with that, as well!

it was quite the whirlwind day!

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