| august
11, 2007 |
||
10:26am
m's parents have been here the past
few days.
and today we are all going to my mom's and they will meet for the 1st time.
me, m, my mom, my dad, m's mom and dad and , of course, lili :)
should be interesting :)
so that is what i have been up to
the past few days.
no time to write.
i bought a sling that i finally understand
and fits me.
so now i can carry lili around and have hands free.
it's been very very hot here.
i continue to lose weight. i'm now
at 113.
i was at 107 when i got pregnant.
i still cannot fit in my jeans.
soon, tho, i hope.
i am soooooooo sick of sweatpants.
m's parents took care of lili last
night so i got some sleep.
i just handed them a bunch of breastmilk i saved and m and i had a night off.
(but i still had to get up to pump more milk)
it was nice but we both missed her within minutes.
i had separation anxiety.
m's parents have been so incredibly nice :)
today will be another day of everyone holding her and i will just sit back and be zen about it.
soon she will be all mine again.
my phone got shut off because i totally
forgot to pay it.
and can't really pay it now because i bought that sling.
but i'd rather be able to hold her than have a phone.
still , major drag and it costs a lot to have it turned back on.
i'm trying not to bum about it.
and i have the electric bill to pay too.
hopefully i can get to that before that is shut off too.
gadzooks.
i'm totally overwhelmed.
thank god m took charge of figuring out when and where all the families were
going to meet and such.
it was totally up to me for awhile as everyone was saying "what do YOU
want what do YOU want?"
(all well meaning!)
and i finally burst into tears about it all and decided that what i want is
to not have to decide.
just tell me where to show up with lili and i'll be there.
i just want to fade off inot the distance and go along for the ride.
i don't want to figure out all this socialization.
i don't want to decide where we are going to dinner or how we will take care
of lili once we get there.
i'm just trying to adjust to having
her at all.
and my hormones out of whack and no sleep makes my brain mush.
juggling/guessing other people's needs/wants on top of it is beyond my scope
of capabilities right now.
i'm not looking forward to going to my moms because i haven't been calling my mom every day with daily updates, i've been calling her every OTHER day...and some of those days i have m do it so i don't have to deal with her.
knowing my mom i'm sure this has
made her a bit upset.
i've been trying to put distance between us which is the last thing she wants
right now but i need to do it for my sanity.
i am not a very social person.
being this social right now i am not in my element.
and it takes a lot of my energy.
it's been a whirlwind fo socialness every since she was born.
m and i remarked to each other how odd it is for both of us to have done something both of our families approve of so wonderfully and intensely :)
it's nice to feel so supported and
have our families be so proud of us and approving and for them to love lili
so much.
but, indeed, it is an alien feeling and takes some getting used to!
but it is a very good thing :)
but it's not going to make me into a social creature.
i still covet my privacy and space (which is a paradox i know since i am on cam all the time...but i mean physical space..and also not having to talk on the phone. i really hate talking on the phone so having to give daily updates about lili is killing me because there is only so much you can say and my mom DEMANDS details. sometimes she demands so much i just want to start making things up to appease and satiate her..."well, lili is reading the dictionary today and she ADORES making sculptures from peas and toothpicks!")
god i really hope my mom will be
mellow today and not reprimand me about anything or try to guilt trip me about
something or try to get blood from a stone.
i'm just in no mood.
please god let me just be able to
sit in a corner and be ignored mostly.
because no one is really listening to what i have to say right now anyway.
they just talk over me mostly because of the excitement of lili.
and then i will come home and curl into her and m and i and lili will just
be a family again.
peace, quiet, adjustment.
trying to get my our house back to
"normal"
the furniture is still in a disarray from having to move it to accomodate
the birthing tub.
i want my house back, my life back, my body back, even tho i know it will
never be the same again.
i need a sense of stability and normalcy.
and i want to get back to creating...even tho i have no time.
m and i are going to try and finish the floors in here this coming week and then, i guess, we'll take the dogs back.
i'm scared to have to deal with the dogs, too, but they have to come back some time.
i'm going to try and lay down some
more before we all have to go to my mom's.
we are supposed to be there by 3pm and it's 11am now.
yesterday we put zuzu as the middle
name on the birth certificate so that is done now.
+++
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or give us a gift of money:
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ana voog
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175
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