| august
7, 2007 |
||
2:34pm
*whew* sorted through images...
getting them up now....
then back to pumping milk.
1:06pm
lili is getting more fat :) it's
so cool that my milk can do this! what a mystery the body is.
she is squiggling a lot more and attempting to move her head back and forth
she is getting stronger and more vigorous.
she opens her eyes a lot more now and tries to look at things
she cries a little bit more (when she wants things)
she looks at me in the eyes when i talk to her and feed her and jumps at loud
noises
she poops a lot :)
i continue to make enough breast milk to feed her, although pumping my milk
is sooooooooo boring and makes me feel claustrophobic and i seriously don't
know how i am going to deal with doing it 6+ times a day for at least 6 months
or more without going completely insane. but i have to...so i will.
my entire life is lili right now. there is no time for anything else.
feed, change diapers, hold her, wash her, watch over her, try to sleep and
feed myself, try to bathe myself, do laundry wash bottles
rinse repeat
m doesn't go back to work for a few more weeks still, but i DREAD immensely
him going back to work and me being here all alone doing it myself for 10
hours a day. the thought scares the crap out of me but hopefully i will get
the hang of it in a few more weeks.
but i really don't know how i will do all of this without M here.
i still don't have my energy back and i continue to be quite sore. and m dropped
a big heavy plate on his toe the other day and now he cannot walk.
it is black and blue and he is going to lose that nail, for sure :( he hobbles
around now just as i did for the past 6 months because i dropped a bowling
ball on my toe. now we have matching toes. it's just weird. we are the limping
couple.
my stomache doesn't look as bad as i thought it would, but when i look down
at it i do not really recognize it as mine and that freaks me out a little.
yesterday i went to target and i
found myself putting my hand on my belly in the way i did when i was pregnant.
then i realized what i was doing and realized that there was no point to holding
my hand like that there anymore because there was nothing in my belly and
that made me quite sad. my belly is now just an unspecial hollow belly. and
i, selfishly, miss the twinkle in people's eyes that i would get as they saw
my belly.
it's kind of a drag to go from feeling so special and pregnant and having
a magical belly to having a hollow belly that is just flabby with a weird
blown out belly button on it now. *a sigh of loss and slight vanity*
my breasts are farging huge and porn starish. (they were already porn starish
but even moreso now)
i'm so behind on sorting through
the campix.
every day i get more and more behind.
i'm trying to catch up...i really am!
m's parents are coming into town
thursday through saturday.
and my parents are going to meet them for the 1st time, too.
i really cannot wait for m's parents to meet lili :)
my parents (my mom mostly) keep demanding
daily updates and i am finding this to be a chore because there is not much
new to say.
and my mom keeps telling me that if there is anythnig she can do to help to
let her know and when can she see lili again?
this would be nice if it weren't for the fact that she asks me this EVERY
DAY and EVERY DAY i tell her that m and i just want some alone time (just
a couple days PLEASE!) and that if there is anything we need we will tell
her and that m's parents are coming to town and so she can see lili again,
which is just in 2 days.
there still has not been a day that has gone by where m and i have not been
seeing someone about something or going somewhere to get something for lili.
and all other hours are taken up by our duties to her.
so it's just like CHILL OUT MOM.
when we tell people that we co-sleep
with lili we ALWAYS get "aren't you afraid you are going to roll over
on her and suffocate her?"
the answer to this is an obvious "no"
if we thought we were going to roll over on her then we would not co-sleep.
we were trying to think of a way
to make people understand that we are aware that she is in the bed with us
and so would never do that.
then i realized a good way to explain this is that adults (except in a few
rare cases, i suppose, maybe because they are intoxicated or are sleep walkers)
never roll out of bed and fall on the floor. if we were all so unaware of
the edges of the bed, so completely out-of-it when we are sleeping, you would
think that rolling our of bed and falling onto the floor would be an almost
nighttime occurrence for most. but it isn't.
we are all aware of where the edges of the bed are and we do not fall off
the bed at night.
i also find it extremely sexist that
when this concern is brought up, it is always assumed that the man is the
one who will end up rolling over and killing his child by accident.
what a horrible thing to put into men's psyches that they are so insensitive,
clumsy, and unaware that they would inadvertently kill their own child in
their sleep.
men have paternal insticts that are just as strong as maternal. and to invalidate
and not recognize that is really damaging, i think.
what an awful fear to put into men that they cannot rely on their intuition
and awareness and might kill their own children in their sleep.
it's very sad and ridiculous.
+++
ana voog and matthew bruce's entire Baby Registry at:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/baby/3BKBUJCBUDKXC
or give us a gift of money:
please send to:
ana voog
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175
make cheques and money orders
out to:
rachael olson (my legal name) or matthew bruce