august 4, 2007

a few pix from the 1st few days...
gobs more pix to come!
it takes so long to sort through all the pix and i am so tired and busy...pumping, feeding, diapers, trying to sleep, trying to eat...

IMAGES

10:41pm

my parents are driving me a bit bezerk.
my mom especially.

today my mom just completely barged in on me.
she called on my phone and i unplugged it because m was sleeping and i was tired and busy pumping milk and a million other things. 2 seconds later she calls on matt's cell.
i told him not to answer it and he didn't.
about an hour later...there is my mom knocking on my door!
wtf?
i was so mad.
she had called last night and i couldn't answer the phone because i was in the middle of feeing lili, and then she called matt on his cell right away and he was out getting lili some things and she asked if she could come over for a visit and he said he'd have to ask me if that was ok and that we'd call her.

well, she did not wait for any answer from us, she just came right on over.
and i had just fallen asleep and sleep is precious to me right now.

i let her have it in an exasperated way and of course she starts crying and she had made me fruit salad and so i seem like i am being an ingrateful asshole.

but you know getting me fruit salad is NOT an emergency situation.

and then she goes on about how i hadn't called her (i had just talkd to her the day before and i've talked to her EVERY day)
and how i shoudl not "isolate myself" even tho i have seen more people in the last 5 days than i have in the entire 6 last 6 months.

and what, i am going to just become this social butterfly now that i have a child?
i don't think so.

for the love of god i've only given birth FIVE DAYS AGO.
LET ME ADJUST!!!!

she gives me this feeling that she thinks it's her god given right to now just see lili whenever she pleases at her every whim.
and i have to meet her "needs" and make sure her "feelings" are being accounted for every step of the way.
so it's like *I* am taking care of her along with my new family and trying to adjust.
plus on the otehr side of the coin, i feel like i HAVE to "report in" to her EVERY LAST SINGLE THING like she is some sort of social worker or teacher or something.
like i am getting a report card on my parenting skills or something.
so on one hand i am caring for her like a child and on the other hand she is some sort of authority figure i am now obligated to report in to daily.

i am glad my parents are there to help me if i need it.
but i really resent all this extra baggage that comes with it.

i am not trying to be insensitive or ingarteful and maybe this seems like i am to people who are super family oriented and all and don't have a huge need for space.

i certainly understand they care about lili and me and that they are trying their best and i am really am glad for their support.

but they need to TONE IT DOWN several notches BIGTIME.
because i am already pretty upset about what transpired today and if i have to EVER have that happen to me again i will go freaking postal.

and my dad has definietly given me my space but when i did call it just seemed he questioned everything i did and i was already going on about how lili should start some sort of special schooling by the age of 3.

and i'm like wha..?

i'm so sick of this word "stimulation"
like what am i going to be doing to "stimulate" my child.

everything is so hyper hyper hyper these days with children.
all this "baby einstein" stuff.
everyone has to reach their FULLEST POTENTIAL!
it's really just all too much.

what ever happened to butterflies and sticks and stones and mudpies and playdough and cookies?

there is no reason lili has to compete with other children on any sort of scale...whether she has "special needs" or not.
this term "special needs" really irritates me as well.
all children have special needs.

whether or not she was born an "einstein" or not the smartest tack in the box, it was never my intention to have her compete or be compared to others. nor to try to fit in to any chart or scale. she doesn't need to go go go and be be be.
she just is a little buddha baby who likes to eat milk right now.

she is who she is. and of course i will do everything in my power to see that she can "be all she wants to be"
in whatever capacity that is.

but this world is just too damn ass hyper these days about things and i think people just need to chill the fuck out.

this isn't some reality tv show where at the end of each challenge we need to go up against a panel of judges.

for god's sake she is only 5 days old and she is FINE.
and for crying out loud i've only been a mother for 5 days as well, and i'm doing a mighty fine job (and M is the BEST father i have ever seen!).

and i need my SPACE.
that was the WORST today.
and then to get lectured about it IN MY OWN HOUSE!
here i am trying to sleep and next thing i know my mom and ehr husband are in my house giving me a hard time because my mom just HAD to see lili and give me a fruit salad.
and it HAD to be done RIGHT THEN AND THERE because they were coming into town RIGHT THEN.

well, just arrrrrrgh!!!!!
and if i protest about this i am being an insensitive person who is not meeting the needs of the grandmother and i am being ingrateful because MY GOD she has FRUIT SALAD.

and her husband all GLARING at me because here i am...the mean one. how dare i protest being barged in on.
and you know it's all my fault because i didn't answer the phone immediately and they were "worried"

for fuck's sake you can just look on my cam and see we're sleeping and we're fine.

i would have called her when i had woken up.

i am so aggravated.

i'm trying to not make a big deal out of this.
i hope this isn't going to get worse.

i'm trying to just let this go but i am having a hard time doing so and so i am typing it out in hopes that this will help me calm down about it and get it out of me.
because i just keep thinking about it over and over and i so don't need to be putting my energy into this right now.


arrrrrrgh.

sorry for any typos i don't have the energy to spell check this.







6:39am

more words soon.
so tired.

 

 

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