| july
19, 2007 |
||
i am going to start writing in notepad
i hopes that i will eventually write everything down that i feel i need to.
m is on his way home from a long day at work. stuck in traffic now.
and he is hungry so i am starting to make some food for him.
baked potatoes (blue ones!) and some salmon.
he had salmon for the 1st time a few weeks ago :)
then he had it again about a week later.
now i am going to have him try some regular kind just fried in butter. mmm.
i actually had to go to howtobakeapotato.com to find out how to bake these
potatoes because i always just nuke mine.
gonna bake them with olive oil and kosher salt. a step up!
domestic.
last night he moved lots of stuff
around in the thing room to make room to move more stuff from the bedroom
inot there so there will be room for the birth tub in the bedroom. also we
have a card table set up in the bedroom now, too, which the midwife wants
to put all her supplies on.
so the bedroom and everywhere else in this small apartment is just topsy turvsy
right now. and i think there is enough space for the cot my mom brought over
to also be set up in the thing room in case we want her to spend the night
after the baby comes. i was certain i wanted her to stay, but now i am not
so sure.
m and i might be able to handle things ourselves. i was just really nervous
about the 1st night since we both have zero experience with babies and we
will be so exhausted.
but my mom's energy is so intense, i don't know if i can deal.
it would be fine if we were to be at her house where she can feel comfortable.
but at mine, she has expressed quite a few concerns about how comfortable
she might not be and so this has caused my anxiety level about her being her
to go up. she keeps trying to get me to go to her hosue but i do not want
to go as much as her house is super nice and roomy. i want to be around my
things. and i do not have the energy, obviously, to be able to make sure she
is comfortable in my house right after i give birth. it is the least of my
worries but it has become almost my main worry as of late and i ahve even
cried about it because it was stressing me. i know if i just talked it out
with her it would be better and i know she would make do and all, but just
the fcat that i KNOW she will be uncomfortable and unhappy in my aprtament
for a few days is enough stress for me. maybe she can just visit, even tho
it is an hour drive. i don't know.
this whole birth day thing and how
many people i "need" to be here has me pretty stressed out right
now and i do not know how i can do without any of the people i have invited.
everyone has a purpose in the birth day and i need them all. but my apartment
is so small!
i do not know what to do...
1st there is matt and i (duh
and then there is my midwife and her assistant
and then i am having my friend carolyn asmy doula/bodyworker
and i am having my friend elaine as the person who will come and get my dogs,
and then watch over the cam and update people online and also be in charge
of recording it all with the camcorder.
and then there is my mom...
who is not paired with anyone and doesn't really have a "purpose"
except that she is my mother and so i want her here.
but she is the one person who does not have a definable thing to do or anyone
to really talk to. so i feel just awful for her.
and i can't be in charge of making sure she is ok that day either. so i don't
know what to do about her.
but really i am being unfair right now because i haven't even told her my feelings about any of this and she is willing to be at my house and take care of us for days, in too small an apartment for her, away from all her things, sleeping on a small cot. i know that would not be fun. i do not blame her.
i just don't know how to make her comfortable here. i don't think it would be possible.
so i think maybe it would be best if she didn't stay (overnight at least)
if i give birth in the daytime, tehre will be plenty of other places besides the apartment for people to spend their time if things get long and drawn out. places to walk outside and such.
but if i give birth at night, having 5 more people in this place is going to be near impossible.
i just don't know what to do.
i wish i could trust my mom to work my cam and the camcorder, but she really would be clueless about it all.
i could just have this baby at my mom's and then everyone would be happy and comfortable but then i would not be as happy and i would not be as near the hospital if anything went wrong. and i would probbaly be stuck there for days after.
and then i also would not have my cam.
just fuck.
i don't know how any of this is going to work out. i just try to put it out of my mind and hope for a fast labour or just hope that things will work out somehow or that everyone will be miraculously comfortable or if they are uncomfortable i will be too preoccupied to care. but i really do care how can i not? i mean jeez, i want everyone to be comfortable.
fuck. i don't know how this is going to work and i don't know what to do about it.
all i can think is setting up the
camcorder to record itself.
hoping my cam does not crash and just wingin it. hoping matt or the midwife
or someone can see when it freezes up and restarted it if it does.
but i want my cam to work!
all of this bums me out.
doing without any bodywork from carolyn
and just hoping my mom, matt, and the midwife can maybe help me with my pain?
but carolyn does bodywork for her job. it would be nice to have someone who
can dedicate herself to this for me.
do i trade in more pain for more room in my apartment?
fuck.
fuckity fuck fuck.
anyway....
i don't know. i guess i will just
ahve to let things happen as they happen.
if things get impossibly uncomfortable at my house people will have to decide
for themselves if they want to leave and if they do then that is that.
i cannot control this. i cannot control whether or not anyone is comfortable.
there is nothing i can do about the size of my apartment. i just have no idea
about any of this. i don't know how it will work.
all i can think of to do is just
work on myself on that day and let everyone else sort out their own thing
on that day and if it sucks we will all adjust. no one has to stay. maybe
it will all work out somehow.
afterall it is only ONE day in the life of all of us and after that it will
be over. it's not the end of the world.
.....
i can tell my body is making new
changes, preparing for labour.
today when m's alarm went off at 7:30am, my body went into an immediate braxton
hicks contraction with accompanying menstrual like cramp and sharp pain. it
stayed that way for over 10 minutes until i finally just deciced to try and
moce through it and get up and pee. and after i peed it started to get better.
then i had a few more and i could not get back to sleep until later on in the morning. i fell asleep and had stupid anxiety dreams and got woken up again by the same kind of pain.
if i had seen any blood or had a backache along with it and if these contractions had been regular i would have thought they were the beginning of "real" labour perhaps.
but i knew it was "just"
prodromal labour. which is still REAL labour, it's labour that gets the body
ready for the more "active" labour.
the uterus contracts moer and harder to get stronger. the mentrual like cramps
are opening up and thinning out my cervix so it can get a baby through it.
all these things are preparing.
it's making me apprehensive as i experience more and more of this and it increases
in frequency and intensity and i know this means that i am getting closer
and closer all the time.
the reality of it all is really happening. and even tho it's a relaity it is still hard to comprehend even tho i am going through it RIGHT NOW.
i spent a lot of my time today either trying to rest or sitting on the toilet doubled over in pain, holding on to this small folding table for support.
then i would finally feel better and eat something, but the food would not stay in me well.
i had a few hours of bliss when m came hoem and held me and nibbled onm my ears.
and then he vacummed the thing room which made a HUGE difference.
i am feeling better now about people being over here. he is doing a marvelous good job at organizing my stuff.
i have a hard time letting anyone
near my stuff to organize it and inspect it.
but since he is going to be my husband, and i have let him in my life so completely
in every other way, it only makes sense that he should now be allowed to infiltrate
my lair of treasures.
people's reaction to my stuff is
usually that of being overwhelmed by it, either good or bad.
either "ohmigod you have a lot of stuff!" and looking at me in disbelief
over how i could live with it all and wondering what on earth i see in it
and why do i keep it around.
or else they see, from a distance, that there looks to be like alot of good
stuff in there but they do not really grasp just how really good it is.
either way, it's always been a source of great discomfort for me when i have people over because people just don't understand my stuff and my relationship i have with it.
but m went in there and examined it and i let him just full on examine it, even tho it makes me cringe because i always fear the worst judgements about it as usual. and i expect people to come out of there with a big "why?" and exhaustion on their face after inspection.
but he came out of there with a total
appreciation of it and a happiness!
seeing exactly how all the things in there relate to me, my past, my future,
the potentional. all the pieces of me. my exoskeleton.
i cannot even begin to express my
relief and gratitude and again i must say that he is THE PERFECT MAN FOR ME.
he said "you cannot full in love with you without also falling in love
with your stuff"
no one has EVER said this to me. and it never even occured to me that i would ever hear words like that nor did i ever dream to. i just had succumbed to the fact that my stuff would always be this achille's heel for me and i should probably get rid of it all.
he just leaned over and kissed me more just now and read what i wrote and smiled and said "don't get rid of your stuff now" :)
dreamy :)
how many nights have a cried over
my stuff? too many.
made to feel like some sort of freak. and that my stuff has no value and i
am crazy to think it has.
still i will better organize it. and i have gotten SO much better at not collecting
WAY too much. i turn down so much now. i am way choosier.
i strive for balance.
now my contractions are returning
as they do at night.
but i have made it through another day.
73 hours until the sun goes inot leo.
i called the birthtub woman today
and she is bringing it at 3pm on sunday.
so that will finally be here soon, too.
then i still have to get things like ice chips and popsicles and little stuff like that.
more water with electrolytes to drink then.
lili is kicking me a lot right now.
OUCH. she is so big now.
her bones are big and she is STRONG.
a portable foldable white crib that is new and meets safety standards came today. a kind soul bought it for us off the baby registry. it is nice to know i have somewhere to lay her that is not the bed if i need that. very very nice.
things are coming to an order and
getting there. the clock is ticking.
my anxiety is lessening as i let go of the reins of control and see what an
exceptional job m does. we are now a family and i can lean on him.
i am not used to anything like that.
it's scary and new to me to be able to do so. it takes adjusting for me to
let go and let him do things in his own way. let this be his place. let my
things be his things. let him in completely and trust in all aspects.
and i do. i trust him completely.
i am rewiring myself for this new life as a family.
we will all need to trust and lean on each other now.
this is the way it has to be in order for things to work.
and they do.
and it's a wonderful thing to watch evolve. to experience. to know :)
a whole new level to my life.
and now i have written a lot and i still have yet to write more because i still have not written how he proposed to me or about my baby shower and tons of other things. likek how this french restauraunt is going to cook my placenta for me for my "eat me" party :)
i have so much writing to get caught
up on!
but i need to go lay down again for a bit or something.
+++
baby registry!
I thought you might like to know that I have created a Baby Registry at Amazon.com. You can find it anytime by searching for my name at http://www.amazon.com/babyregistry.
Best Wishes,
ana voog and matthew bruce
You can see ana voog and matthew bruce's entire Baby Registry at:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/baby/3BKBUJCBUDKXC
ok, here it is!
if you can think of anything else that would be good for me to add, let me
know :)
if you find a better price for things or want to buy it somewhere else or simply send something else or give us a gift of money (yes!!! $ will go to buy fuzzi bunz cloth diapers and medical costs)
please send to:
ana voog
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175
make cheques and money orders
out to:
rachael olson (my legal name) or matthew bruce
+++
http://www.ana2.com/private/2cams.shtml
+++
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