11:43 pm

6:43pm

i just deleted 99% of all of my bookmarks.
i am bookmark crazy and then i never go back to them.
it was hard to do because i am sure there are some good ones in there. but i just wasn't going to organize them.
i deleted even all the pregnancy ones.
i'm just so done (almost) with researching.
and i gave a lot of my pregnancy book to my midwife.
i just have a few left and i'm almost ready to give those last ones to her now so she can pass them on to other pregnant women.
soon i will also probably leave all the pregnancy related lj communities.
i need to get stop reading about it all.
i'd liek to read some science fiction.
i'm doing laundry and dishes.

m is a power spooner.
we spooned this morning and he envelopes me :)

2:31pm

i was woken up today but very loud balkan folk music.
i wanted to go to the farmer's market to get veggies but i am 57 cents overdrawn.
i found $4.50 in change but gave it to M for gas.
it sucks to be this broke.
i entered one of the dollar bills into wheresgeorge.com
i am sleepy.
i havent taken tylenol pm in 3 days, which is good.
i have less restless leg syndrome now because i don't take it, but my sleep is still crap.
i may try to take a nap in a few minutes.
i usually try to take naps but it never works.
i just have insomnia.
i'd like to have the energy to go outside.
i need outside very very much.
i wish i had a greek salad.
if i had $6 i could go get one.
cirque du soleil cancelled their show here :(
it's the only show they have every cancelled.
the good news is i get a refund and i need the $.
i'm still waiting for the refund to be refunded.
my dad paid the last $ we owe to our midwife so now she is all paid.
yay dad!!!!!!!
it's his 67th birthday on monday.
he is going to volunteeer at a food shelf on that day.
i see him on thursday.
my baby shower is going to be on july 8th, one day before i am full term.
i'm keeping it small.
10 people about.
it was going to have it on cam but i cannot fit 10 people my small apt.
even if i could, i have no where for anyone to sit.
i really wish i had the $ for a mobile cam again.
someday...
i was pretty bummed about my baby shower because the friend who asked me if i wanted her to throw one for me just hasn't seemed very into it.
first thing she said is she didn't want it at her house because her house is too small (which it isn't...it's small, but she's had 10 people + parties there before no problem)
then she said she didn't want to make a big thnig of it and have food.
she said let's just have cake. and ok, i was kinda sad about that, but i'm fine with cake.
it wasn't so much that she said she only wanted to have cake, it was the way she worded that she didn't want to make a big thing of it.
i tried not to read into it. but then she could not settle on a day.
she just gave me a list of days she could NOT have it in june and left it up to me to make reservations in this community room we have here in my building.
so i pick a day but that day is also not good for her so she changes it to july.
i just tell her to pick a day. she doesn't.
but another of my frineds does, thank goodness.
so i reserve that day and then i find out the community room costs $50 to rent. she doesn't want to spend that $ so now it's going to be at another of my friend's house.
that is fine.
it sounds like this would not be stressful for me, but it was. i guess just because i kept getting these really heavy vibes from her.
she says she doesn't want to make invitations of pay for postage so how about e-vite.com?
i say it would be nice to have actual invitations because it is a keepsake.
who wants to save an email? i say i will pay for postage.
it would have been only $8.00 with the list i had at that time.
my other good friend (whose house this will be at) tells me she will make handmade invitations.
this is sweet and i am thankful for it.
i get my list down to just immediate frineds anyway, so there is no need for postage, in the end.
(not the reason i got the list down, i just want it small).
so we get the list down, have the day, have the time and place. and my friend who is supposedly the one who said she would put this all together for me says she will bake a cake.
all good.
but then here is the kicker which sent me into such a depression yesterday,
she asks me if it would be tacky if she brought this can of expired peanuts that she got from her place of work along with the cake. she says she got them for free and they still taste ok (as of yesterday).
if this is not the DEFINITION of tacky then i don't know what is.
my friend has always been a penny pincher but this really tops it all, in my book.
WHY volunteer to throw a baby shower for someone if all you are going to do for it is bake a cake and bring a jar of EXPIRED PEANUTS?
i'm sorry but that does NOT make a party even SLIGHTLY.
all i write back about it in an effort to not fly off the handle and show my extreme disappointment and level of being massively insulted and feeling ultimately incredibly low priority and nonspecial is:

" expired nuts :( "

i mean, i'm bringing a new life into this world. the only life i will ever give birth to.
this is supposedly one of my best friends, and EXPIRED PEANUTS?
i'm just...i don't even know how to process that.

it's not even expired cashews, which are at least semi expensive.
ok, they are "fancy coated" peanuts" but come on.

and it's not like i need anything expensive whatsoever. i told her that many times.
i know she is not rolling in dough.
but farging a if you are going to be THAT cheap about things PLEASE don't be in charge of ANYONE'S baby shower or any party for that matter.
just say you will bake a cake and bring it to a party that someone else will be in charge of.
that will be good.
please stay far far far away from party planning.

i told this to jason because i was just so depressed about it and i needed to talk to someone.
and i usually talk to him on IM in the day when he is at work.
and god, he TOTALLY saves the day.
he orders THREE deli platters from this fabulous italian restauraunt to be catered!
$180 in food good for 10 people!
jason can really make me sad sometimes, but sometimes he really comes through.
how about that?
my x-boyfriend buying the food for my baby shower!
now if that isn't unusual and totally sweet, generous and kind, then i don't know what is!
and i certainly was not expecting my other friends to buy $180 in food.
i would have been totally satisfied with just some ordinary cheese and crackers.
like $15 in food for 10 people? something?
it really is the THOUGHT that counts. the EFFORT.
a SYMBOL of "hey, you are special to me"
a can of expired peanuts that someone gets for free does not signify to me any amount of effort.
if they had dumpster dived those and made absolutely ZERO money, then free expired peanuts would have meant SOMETHING.

anyway, i am now going to have some nice food at my baby shower that is festive and this makes me VERY happy :)
M was so happy, too!
we are purring.

jason is generous.

so the one thing that i know we will be doing at this shower is making a belly cast, at my request.
my cheap friend asks me if i have bought the supplies for this (!!!)
apparently it is up to me to not only come up with the entertainment but provide the supplies for it , as well.

i really just give up on her in regards to this baby shower thing.
i am trying to just divorce myself from it and not care.
i know she DOES love me. and i'm really just trying to see this as her blind spot. her quirk, which has gotten progressively worse as she has gotten older.
imo, it is actually bordering on, perhaps, a sickness of some kind now...i'm not sure.
but anyway...ya.
i have to just throw my hands up in the air about it and just say 'well, this is just not her forte...she is quirky" and be happy for the frinedship i DO have with her and just NEVER EVER get her involved in any aspect of planning any party for me ever again.

i have to say it has been extremely disappointing and frustrating to me tho.
and it's been hard to not take this as a really personal insult.

but in the end it will all be water under the bridge.
and thank goodness for my other friends pulling through.
because of them, this baby shower will go just fine, i'm sure :)

but i had to get that off my chest.