| may
22, 2007 |
||
7:30pm
still watching kiyoshi. he stayed
overnight and has been here all day. i'll probbaly bring him back to jason's
for tonight then go back over there tomorrow.
i want a night of more rest.
had a rough night last night, not
because of kiyoshi, but because of just the stuff that always plagues me,
the braxton hicks contractions and restless leg thing and everything. insomnia.
so i ended up sleeping almost all day today. i am so exhausted.
i'll bring kiyoshi back so i can sleep with all my sheets and blankets.
midwife was over last night and everything is good. the level of care i get
from here is so amazing.
i guess the average OBGYN visit is 6 minutes. she checks me up and talk to
us for 1 to 2 hours every single time! she is amazing :)
lili is constantly kicking me. i have a back ache almost always.
i feel like tehre is a basketball in me squeezing everything. it's hard for
me to walk or breathe or eat.
i'm 30 weeks pregnant now and i'm on the home stretch.
looking at what kind/size of birth pool to either buy or rent.
time to get all the very last things in order, for which there is a LOT of
things.
i know i don't write much in here and i feel like i should because there is
so much going on in my head even tho i pretty much lay in bed.
it's just so hard to put into words. other than "OHMIGOD I'M GOING TO
HAVE A DAUGHTER!!!!!"
just...it's astronomically life changing and it hasn't even begun yet.
i'm so scared and excited and words just don't do it justice.
i'm scared about money and making
it but there just isn't a heck of a lot i can do about that right now except
just hope and pray for the grace of the universe to sustain me/us.
i have the will to create but i am so darn uncomfortable and exhausted.
i cleaned the bathroom the other day and ended up bursting into tears about
it because of how hard it was for me to just lean over and scrub the tub without
getting totally winded.
i WANT to do so much but it's physically impossible for me.
i painted a bit of the floor but anything like leaning over crushes my lungs
even more.
i try to cut fabric and my back goes into spasms.
there isn't much i can do that is
comfortable except lay on my side with lots of pillows and sigh and watch
tv and that is getting really really boring.
even sitting at the computer and typing hurts my back.
and when i am upright lili pushes against my cervix and bladder.
but when i lay down she kicks me EVERYWHERE and i just watch my belly move
like an earthquake is going on in it.
it actually makes me feel "seasick" for lack of a better way to
put it.
all that movement feels so creepy crawly and makes me queasy.
it's exciting to watch, tho. and
i have discerned when her foot pushes me above my belly button.
and i have felt her head way down in me.
and her baby butt or the back of her.
i have a good idea how she is laying in me.
i wish i was not so scared about going into labour.
i think i am mentally preparing for it as much as i can, tho.
i think i am pretty confident in believing i can make it through it without
completely freaking the fuck out and wanting to die...but man, i just will
not know until it happens.
in just 7 weeks i will be considered "full term"!
i am going to try and labour as long
as i can with just myself and matthew.
i want to just be alone with as little interference and commotion as possible.
i wonder so much how long it will take.
i just wish there was a way to know beforehand.
20 hours, 12 hours, 5 hours, 3 hours?
will i want to listen to music or not?
will i scream or moan or not make a sound?
will i cry or laugh or all of the above?
will i feel like i am ripping in two and cannot deal?
will she be healthy?
will she live?
will everything be ok?
i'm so frightened.
i'm pretty certain everything is going to go just fine.
but one can never be totally sure.
i know this is going to be the most intense thing i have ever dealt with.
it already is.
and that is a gross understatement.
my belly button is sticking out more and more.
i think it might disappear at some point.
lili might weigh over 3 pounds now.
2 weeks from now she might weigh over 5 pounds.
she is really going to pack it on now.
i don't think that *I* (as in MY body) is gaining a lot of extra weight.
but all the stuff like her body..and all the uterus stuff like placenta and
all that surely is as my stomache gets bigger and bigger.
i have added a tiny bit of fat on
my belly, i think, but that is about it.
i'm glad to gain it as i will need it for milk production.
i have to say, i am vain;y glad i have not packed on a ton of fat, but if
it still happens, i am humbly glad to do so for her.
i do eat as much as i possibly can!
i haven't scrimped on food for one second and have eaten everything good for
me that i can.
i TRY to eat as much protein as i can but that is getting harder again because
tehre just isn't much room in me.
but i try try try.
and i try to take all my vitamins and iron.
i still worry that i am not going to get my iron up where i should be. it's
so hard!
i take in 400% of the daily requirement a day, but iron is so hard for the
body to absorb.
i'm really afriad of hemmoraging
after labour if i do not get enough iron.
it's all so intense.
i need to take a bath but have no
energy.
i just wnat to lay in bed and watch this thing on the berbuda triangle on
PBS now.
M will be home from work soon.
i need him so much and he is always
there for me.
he is my rock and i orbit around him right now.
he is my ground, my earth, my soul, my love, my heart.
he gives to me freely and compassionately.
he holds me as much as i want to be held and never tires of touching me and
telling me how much he loves me.
i have never felt more complete as i do now.
never as safe. and never have i known so much trust.
it is overwhelmingly beautiful.
i never thought i would have this
kind of love in my life.
but here it is and it is real :)
---
things on my ipod from last summer i took off:
the books: the lemon of pink
the books: thought for food
coldplay: a rush of blood to the head
erykah badu : baduism
grizzly bear: yellow house
lali puna: faking the books
icehouse: icehouse
muse: black holes and revelations
thom yorke: the eraser
zap mama: a ma zone
zap mama: ancestry in progress
+++
baby registry!
I thought you might like to know that I have created a Baby Registry at Amazon.com. You can find it anytime by searching for my name at http://www.amazon.com/babyregistry.
Best Wishes,
ana voog and matthew bruce
You can see ana voog and matthew bruce's entire Baby Registry at:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/baby/3BKBUJCBUDKXC
ok, here it is!
if you can think of anything else that would be good for me to add, let me
know :)
if you find a better price for things or want to buy it somewhere else or simply send something else or give us a gift of money (yes!!! $ will go to buy fuzzi bunz cloth diapers and medical costs)
please send to:
ana voog
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175
make cheques and money orders
out to:
rachael olson (my legal name) or matthew bruce
+++
http://www.ana2.com/private/2cams.shtml
+++
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