| march
8th, 2007 |
||
7:10pm
i want this:
http://www.birthintuitive.com/services.html
6:20pm
calming down now but still feeling
disappointed.
i should take a bath. i should eat something.
doing these things does not appeal to me.
survivor is on at 40 minutes and then CSI.
M will be home soon.
i need to chill out.
i tried to lay down for a bit but was unable to really relax.
btw, i want to make it clear that i don't think it's shameful to be on welfare
or any kind of aid nor do i feel above it. that is not why it is a humiliating
experience for me. it's that the system makes you feel like you are a piece
of crap by treating you like a subhuman. the places you have to go to get
this aid are negative black vortexes from hell. and i just don't want the
government meddling in my business.
the entire process is vile and it's like weeks of my life of waiting in lines
in hell that you can never get back, talking to really burned out uncompassionate
people and i could go on and on and on.
it just was not a positive experience for me. at all. to put it lightly.
and i don't want to get into it much more than that.
but i never felt ashamed for being on it when i was 19, it was just other
people who thought it was shameful. but screw them and what they think.
and now i am just in a place where i'd rather not deal with that.
if it comes to life or death, then sure, i'll apply for aid.
but it's not life or death right now.
i can scrape by.
my time is precious to me, and sitting
in a line, filling out forms, handing over all my information to a corrupt
and uncaring government, and dealing with a soul sucking atmosphere is something
i would like to avoid as much as possible right now.
3:56pm
true to form , my mom is already
starting to back out of the "i'll buy you an ultrasound" thing.
she was going to get my one at the end of this month. i told her "it
can be my birthday present!"
and she was all like "oh no no, i will just get you one!"
now she is all "well, they are awfully expensive" and "maybe
ultrasounds are overrated"
and she went into the big song and dance that i should get get government
help, WIC, welfare, whatever.
and why don't i do that? and what am i going to do if i don't?
we have this conversation just about EVER SINGLE TIME we talk.
i keep telling her "i don't want to talk about it"
and i try to get her to drop it.
it will never end.
so she is going to email some places that are cheaper, supposedly, if i jump
through the hoops, so this is all up to me again and her role is "and
i'll give you a ride to where ever you want to go!"
well the one she is interested in is only a few miles from my house so whoopee
on the free car ride :/
thanks a million.
also my dad told me today that i
am not supposed to ever tell mom if ever he gives me $ for my pregnancy because
that makes her feel all "inadequate".
i guess she called my dad and bitched to him about him giving me some money
when she found out.
this pisses me off to no end.
like if she doesn't want to even send me $20 ---not like she has to or owes
me that (but jeez she was going to ADOPT my child,
you'd think she'd want to send me $20 or something for some vitamins or something.
just as the grandmother...i don't know. this will be her 1st and only grandchild!
whatever whatever whatever.)
so if SHE isn't sending me any money then god forbid any other family member
like my FATHER should give me any form of financial support during this time.
not like i have ever mooched off my parents in my life. they have given me
a few hundred bucks here and there, very rarely, when i was in really dire
circumstances, but this has not been a very regular thing. i have always been
financially independent from them as much as i always can be which is 99.9%
of the time.
even if that has meant that i went and stripped, got my food out of dumpsters,
or did go on welfare at one point when i was really really sick and unable
to work for 3 months.
now that i think about it it was truly fuct up that i had to go on welfare
at all then since it was a nervous breakdown because i had gotten kicked out
of the house for quitting school 3 montsh before i graduated because i was
being so intensely bullied i couldn't take it anymore.
and so i got kicked out and then i was sent to live with my mom and i couldnt
eat at all and went down to 80 something pounds and i was sent to a shrink
who wrote me a slip saying i was too sick to work and put me on sinequan and
xanax and i went on got welfare, and THIS is what my parents teach me is the
"right" thing to do? THAT was supposed to make me feel what? independent?
a survivor? sitting in line in a frickin' welfare office with 300 other freaked
out people at 7am. i broke down and cried there and literally lost it.
all for $200 a month and a few food stamps?
HOW is that supposed to help my self esteem when i am in a state of total
crisis and only 19 years old???
and they want me to go through that AGAIN, NOW???
FFFFFFUCKKKKKK THAAAATTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you think i am going to go through that AGAIN at age 40 and PREGNANT???? i
don't think so!!!!!!
i can't believe she would call my dad and try to make him STOP helping me.
who is SHE to determine who will help me and what help they want to give???
just for the sake of her not wanting anyone to "one up" her.
it's a jealousy competition thing over my own FATHER.
how seriously fuct is that???
not wanting him to help out his own pregnant daughter!
ya, i'm just supposed to prostrate
myself to the fucking welfare system so she feels better???
FUCK THAT.
i'll be damned if i am going to be
a welfare mother at 40 years old.
no thank you!
i don't need the government butting in on my life and how i choose to live
it for a couple grand.
it's PRICELESS to have them NOT involved.
ya, i really want social workers in my life butting into my private ass family
business and my body.
sure, if i wanted to be a slave to the system and do everything "by the
book" and i was a sheeple not able to think for myself and got all my
advice from the mainstream media, then welfare would seem to be GREAT. bleat
bleat...lead me to the slaughter house.
my legal name does stand for "lamb" but i'm no sacrifice to the
shit factory we call a government.
as the band x ray specks screamed, "bondage up yours!"
i'll figure it out MY WAY.
end of story.
so, it looks like i am not going to get an ultrasound, from my mom anyway.
but hey she'll give me a RIDE.
i knew she'd back out of it. i knew it sounded too good to be true coming
from her.
but whatever. she doesn't owe me anything.
the thing i am angry about is her calling up my dad and bitching to him that
he was helping me out a little.
i think that is the lowest of the low.
i could spit bricks.
but there is no one i can talk to
about this (except my dear M, thank the gods for his kind heart).
so i write it here.
my dad says "don't be mad"
of course i can't mention to my mom that i know she did this.
now i can't mention to my mom any future help my dad might ever give me. it's
just SAD.
everything has to be all hush hush like this is some sort of fucking crime
to help our your pregnant daughter and i'm not even allowed to be MAD about
it, let alone SPEAK of it.
i'm fucked either way.
if i don't get on welfare then my parents think i'm stupid.
if i do get on welfare the "world" thinks i'm lazy.
fucking nice how that works.
me i disconnect from u.
i can tell you this, i'll NEVER tell
my child s/he HAVE to go on welfare or they're being stupid or irrational
or irresponsible.
NEVER.
i will never tell my child to go humiliate
themselves in a time of crisis and grovel for $200 a month.
i will not spoil my child, but s/he
will ALWAYS have a HOME and have SAFETY in times of crisis.
3:54pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_type
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_blood_type_theory_of_personality
Type B – The Hunter
individualist
dislike custom
strong
optimistic
creative
flexible
wild
unpredictable
bjork --the hunter
"if travel is searching
and home has been found
i'm not stopping
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter
i'll bring back the goods
but i don't know when
i thought i could organize freedom
how scandinavian of me!
you sussed it out, didn't you ?
you could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now i'm leaving it all behind
i'm going hunting
i'm the hunter, i'm the hunter..."
bjork's new cd comes out may 7th!
it's called "volta".
i'm counting down the days!!
http://www.bjork.com/
concerts i am going to coming up:
akron/family
lindsey buckingham
lisa gerrard
+++
i still don't know what to do for my birthday on april 18th.
+++
i dreamed last night of the number
47
particularily 471.
when i woke up i asked M what time it was and he sleepily replied "47"
eerie.
when i google 471 i come up with
that it means (accordng to gematria) "due measure"
also = fruit.
which brought me to this page:
http://kairos.technorhetoric.net/7.3/interviews/pstwo.htm
which talks about due measure and fruit and the greek word "kairos"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kairos
"Kairos time is usually perceived as a time of crisis. With this in mind,
one has a possibility of participating in a “new creation.” One
has the choice of danger or opportunity, a chance to build something new out
of the old. Kairos time bridges the tearing down of the “old way”
with the building of a “new way."
"A concept similar to Kairos is that behind the famous motto "Carpe Diem" and a sort of recurrence in the idea of Kairos is linked with the theme of The Wheel of Fortune which continuously rotates; in fact the Greek words used by Poseidippos to describe the Kairos (in the verse "I am ever running") are "aeì trochào" which literally mean "I always rotate", and the verb itself is the same used by the poet and astronomer Aratus to pinpoint the eternal motion of the celestial spheres."
in my dream "471" was the number of a photograph/movie clip from an old movie (a family movie?) that had particular significance to me and had affected me deeply. the photograph was damaged and i was trying to order a new one from a machine/library type thing, but i couldn't get it to work. i didn't have the right amount of money or the right currency or something. i was trying to get this photograph so i could remember the ephiphany i had when i had orignally seen it, but i just could not remember...
ohhhhh! I GET IT!
471 was one one of my childhood addresses that was very important to me.
it makes sense now! wheel indeed!
1:18pm
"woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head..."
ok, i lie about the comb part.
ordered an iron supplement on the
net. talked to my dad on the phone for over an hour ( i miss him).
called this place about an ultrasound to see how much it costs but didn't
get to talk to a person, had to leave a message, ate some hummus, downloaded
the next ANTM off itunes, read my friends list. i woke up at 8am with a headache
and could not go back to sleep.
so tired...
more words and pix later :)
what are you up to today?
+++
http://www.ana2.com/private/2cams.shtml
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