march 7th, 2007

IMAGES

5:05pm

took a nap. i went far far away into dreams. they were just bizarre. i feel really foggy now. the dreams were awful. one was about how 2 or 3 men were trying to rape me. i shot them all in the head and then got on a plane to europe to disappear. i had my baby over there. i didn't know how to get a hold of m and my mom to let them know i was ok and what had happened. i wanted to get the child to m, i missed him so much but didn't know how to ever see him again without getting arrested and thrown in jail for life.
either way i would not see him. it was a horrible predicament and just thinking about it right now makes me feel sick.
i don't know why i dream these things.
i feel like going to a hypnotist for a past life regression and healing of some sort because being pregnant is starting to bring out some huge feelings of fear in me that feel very much like they are based on "past lives" i have not come to terms with yet. there are definitely the rational ordinary fears that any pregnant woman might have and be common. but there are starting to feel now like deeper underlying fears tied to something else that need to be released if i am going to have this baby with as little fear as possible.
so far in this life i have noot really remembered being a mother much in any other life, although, i'm sure i must have been, it would only make sense this would happen at some point as being pregnant is such a common thing in life, especially in the days when there was no birth control.

maybe none of this is stemming from a past life but just from stories i have heard in this life. conditioning from media and movies. women dying in childbirth and all that. women having their children ripped away from them during war and many other horrible things.
yes, maybe it comes from all these sources. i really don't know. but one thing i DO know for certain is that these fears are there inside of me and i need to look at them, recognize them and release them.

i feel as if i am "supposed" to feel that pregnancy feels "normal". like..it should be an instinctual normal feeling to me just because i am a woman and this is one of my many bodily functions. surely SOMETHING about it should feel familiar?

yet NOTHING about it feels familiar at all.
it feels like science fiction.
i feel like i am an alien being in a human body going, WTF is THIS?

not to be crass, because i also find this process to be somehow intriguingly beautiful as well, in a way i cannot exactly put inot words yet...but the majority of me feels like i am stuck in an body which is doing things i have only read in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.
the "alien" (or maybe just alienated) in me feels that this whole birth process is highly primitive, inefficient, archaic, and bizarre to say the least.

or the other way around, for instance, i BELIEVE aliens are real. i know tha many have seen them. i have friends who have seen them. all signs point to the fact, for me, that there is other life in this universe and it has been visiting or living on earth for thousands if not millions of years. we, humans, may be, in fact "extraterrestrial". seeded here long ago.
this is logical to me, makes sense, and i truly believe it just as i believe france exists even tho i have never ever been there. i have friends who have been there and all signs point to that it exists simply because so many people have seen it and taken photos of it.

yet, if i saw an alien being, my adrenalin would rush through me, and i might even scream (if it were a grey), and i would KNOW it not on an intellectual level but on a personal level.
just as like when i finally visited england and i felt as if i had stepped into a movie. i was like OH! it DOES exist! for REAL!
even tho i KNEW it was real because i had the belief in it enough to get on a plane and try to go there.
and indeed, i did arrive, and voila...i knew england on a whole new personal level.
and even tho i have done that, it still would not stop me from freaking out and crying if i saw the great pyramids someday and got to touch them and smell them and go "oh my GOD, the great pyramids really EXIST!"

this is kind of what it is like being pregnant.
i have read about it and seen it in movies. i have seen babies but haven't inspected them much. i mean i WAS a baby and i have pictures to "prove" this.
i have vague memories like dreams of it.
i have seen pregnant women and i have touched a pregnant woman's belly maybe 3 times. i have watched a woman nurse sort of up close about 1 time that i can remember when i was a still a child.
i remember my brother as a baby but since he was adopted i never saw my mom pregnant or nursing. and i , myself, was never nursed.

i was basically taken from my mom and stuck in a hot plastic box for 3 weeks after i was born and bottle fed by strangers until i weighed enough to leave the hospital because i was a month early. i can't imagine that was a very happy way to be introduced to this world after being in a womb for 8 months.

yes, maybe i feel freaked about this simply because i have been divorced from this process all my life. i wasn't much of a baby sitter. the family that had the babies was all in canada. the family i grew up with were all old and one by one died, never to be heard from again. so i don't have much of a connection to family as i do to places such as houses and barns and particular trees and rocks.

i would say houses, trees, and rocks have been way more familiar things to me than people. a weird thing to realize.

when william henry did my tarot about this pregnancy he said it would bring to me a sense of "family" and what that is than i have ever had. this is becoming more and more true.
when he said that i knew that would be true but i did not know in what way it would be true because i've never really had a sense of what a family really is so i had no way of imagining what that could truly mean other than what i have seen on tv...like little house on the prairie, or perhaps the godfather, or the jeffersons or the jetsons.

for whatever reason, emotional distance, physical distance, whatever...i have never ever had the luxury of counting on family. i was an outsider even within my own.

certainly, i feel SOME connection. and i have known my mom and dad the longest i have known anyone...as much as you can know a person in a distant kind of way over a very long period of time.

i mean they have always been "there" as in, on this planet and able to be communicated with via telephone or seen at dinner.

but THIS...this pregnancy thing...THIS is all new to me.
completely unfamiliar territory to me.
i have no template for this.
i am picking things up here and there now at great haste.
going through the index of my mind looking for things about "family" that go beyond "you should send so and so a xmas card" or "wave to grandma" or "smile and take your photo with cousin so and so."

and then back into my world of houses, rocks, trees, marbles, stuffed animals, and dinosaur bones i would go.
MY place. MY things. things i knew and understood simply because they let me observe them without judgement and did not disappear. i could touch these things, sleep with them, smell them, KNOW them.

sand, sky, the big dipper, wind, crickets, play dough, scissors, the smell of paper, the sound of the typewriter.

now i have had my dogs. and while everyone tells me that dogs are NOTHING like children, and i know this...my dogs have been the closest thing to family i have had so far.
they have been with me longer than any boyfriend. i have cared for them unconditionally and they me.
i know they depend on me and i MUST be dependable for them.
and so as silly as that is going to sound to people who are used to children and not dogs, dogs ARE my biggest template for children i have.
and i have no doubt that at least in the 1st few months i will look at my child in the template of "puppy" even tho i DO know it will be a billion times more intense because i gave birth to it.
my dogs i bought fully formed. my 1st i bought on the internet and had it him shipped to me.
but pooka did come to me in a dream years earlier to let me knwo he was coming and i "knew" him when he arrived.

i have not had a dream like this about a child.
so even tho i will be physically and genetically attached to this child, i'm not sure i will KNOW it until it just starts to evolve around me.

pooka, i knew immediately who he was and what he was about.

deiter, i got to know him slowly, and sebastian even more so.

my child...this will eb something else completely new.
it already is.
i have felt it fluttering in me, tapping.
i watch my belly grow in silence and hold my hand to it and almost daily say "who ARE you?"
i wait for an answer and hear nothing. i'm not sure if it is my fear cancelling it out.

people tell me my body will accomodate all these changes.
i have to trust them because otherwise i would go insane.
i ahve to trust them like people told me i would eventually reach a place called england, flying on a metal bus across the ocean, defying all sense of logic.

i suspended my disbelief and voila, i arrived.

now i am the metal bus, trying to eat as much iron as possible per day to keep my red blood cell count up. another abstract idea.
i am muscles stretching and bones creaking and blood pumping harder and harder and i am told i will fly when the time comes.
and even tho i have never been in the cockpit of an airplane before i am now a cockpit, an engine, and i have 1 passenger that is hopefully flying first class, as much as i can help it.

i am the stewardess, the pilot, the gears and the the steering wheel.
i don't know yet how to take off or land.
i am morphing and turning into something new.
i have (i am guesing) 4 arms, 4 legs, 20 fingers, 20 toes,
i might have an extra uterus now or i might even have a penis for the 1st time in my life. i DO know i have 2 hearts because i have heard it beating.
maybe someday i will feel or hear both at once in me.

i hope i will not die in childbirth.
i hope my child will not die.
i hope everything will be ok.
i hope i can have the fortitude to make it through the pain.
i am bringing my child into a world of war but a family of peace.

i will make this family up as i go along, as WE go along. we will all make it together. this will be my 1st actual collaboration.

i will be reliable, i will be dependable, i will raise myself to this occasion.
i am shifting, moving, transforming.
making room.

but i am afraid.
i must trust in the wisdom of my body and in the universe.
and i must trust those around me to help me.
i hope i can get to the point where i trust myself completely.

12:56pm

midwife gone.
she checked me again for that imbalance thing i have in my vagina. i hadn't taken anything for it yet as she thought it might clear up on it's own, and she didn't want to put me on antibiotics unnecessarily. but i still have it :( i got to see the cells under a microscope. seeing that definitely made me want to get rid of the stuff that is in there eating away my good cells of whatever. microscopes are cool.
so now i have a prescription for metronidazole which i have to take 3 times a day for a week and that is such a DRAG! i HATE antibiotics. they make me tired and are hard on my stomache :(
plus this means no sex for a frickin week while i'm on it so this can clear up. i am super bummed out.
i also have to go buy some special iron thing to raise my red blood cell count.
and she talked to me about birthing classes and also registering myself at this hospital that she works with so in case i have to go in to the hospital we have a back up plan.
$$$$$$$$$$
so many appointments, books to read, dvds to watch...on and on and on.
then in a month she'll prick my finger and take my blood and see if my red cell count is up, and then take another vial of blood at 28 weeks.
argh.
we listened to the heartbeat again, it took her about 30 seconds to find it this time which freaked me out at 1st because the last 2 times we heard it withinn seconds. but she just said the baby moves around so sometimes you just have to search. but she found it and it was still pumping away just fine :)
my uterus is where it should be , right at my belly button.
my blood pressure continues to be really good.
so i have to continue to force myself to eat as much protein as i can, which is hard, eat more iron.
go buy some liverwurst or something.
get this iron supplement, and i already take an iron supplement. so i am just iron iron iron.
it's sunny out and 22 degrees and mercury goes direct today (yay!)
i want to get outside and do errands...so much to do!
but i am tired as heck. i got up at 9am when M did. and i don't think i fell asleep until 3 or so.
and yesterday i didn't get much sleep either.
i'm finding it hard to sleep and my body aches, but i'm in a basically good mood.
i think i will try to take a nap now.

all her equipment:


she checks me out:

looks in her microscope like a girl scout:

gets ready to leave:



11:07am

my midwife is not here yet. she'll be 20 minutes late.
but she called and said all my bloodwork came back negative which is good.
i don't have HIV, syphyllis, i am not a carrier of rubella.
yay! my blood type is B positive.
the only thing is that i am slightly anemic which she tells me can happen to women pregnant women.
so i'll have to increase my iron and stuff.
soon she'll be here and we can talk about it.

10:02am

my midwife is coming over at 11am (she is usually late so we'll see what time she gets here).
i hope i find out what my blood test results are today.
yesterday i downloaded music all day.
bees, feist, tom waits, ultravox, vangelis, elvis costello, lindsey buckingham to name a few.
we watched chromicles of narnia last nigth, it was pretty ok.
of course i cried when they killed aslan.
i read all the books as a child.
i talked to my mom yesterday and we had a good talk.
she is going to pay for an ultasound for me at the end of this month!
yippee!!!
way more to say but right now i have to get ready for the midwife.








 

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horoscopes from:

http://www.astro.com/
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/
http://itsalllove.com/starry_eyed/starry_eyed.html