| february
16, 2007 |
||
ok, i have calmed down and talked to M.i feel much better and there is nothing to fear. also he is in a good state of mind again, so that was nice becaue i was in such a bad state of mind when he got home.i'm glad we have the knack of balancing each other out, almost always. it's a blessing.
8:15pm
this afternoon i went to survey the
2nd other 2 bedroom that is available in this pat. building right now. and
this one is really nice...and almost $174 more expensive. about 200 more square
feet. i would still look at almost the same view (same side of the building)
but one floor down. one floor down really makes a huge difference in what
you can see. i can still see the river from one window, just barely, but thank
god i can see it. i am closer down to this these other buildings across the
way which make me feel more like they can peer in at me. i see less sky and
more of the tops of rooftops in greater detail. right now as i sit at my desk
the windows are about 3/4th sky and 1/4th land, i don't see rooftops i see
the river and what is on the other side of the river. if i walk right up to
the windows i see the rooftops. the river and the sky are huge things for
me. very important to my wellbeing. it wouldn't be like they were gone, it
is just less of it. it's something i am trying to get over and let go of.
the place still has nice windows and nice lighting. at least i can still see
a smidgen of the river and still see sky. i can see the cliffs with it's happy
"lighthouse". i can still see my "temple" across the river.
so things would not be unfamiliar. the kitchen is twice as big which is a
major major plus. the bathroom is also twice as big. thr master bedroom is
about as big as the bedroom in this place which is a good size. the living
room is about as big as the thing room which is big, you just can't tell the
thing room is big since there are so many things in it. then the extra bedroom
is small. but perfect for a nursery since nurseries don't need to be big.
it would be a good sized bedroom for a child.
i'm trying rrrrreeeeaaaallllllyyyyy really hard to let go of my attachment
i have to my apt i ahve now and it's rrrreeeaaallly hard. this is my fave
apt i have ever had. it's the 1st one i ever felt was truly mine. to move
it to give up the "mine" and go more into the "ours".
i am trying to let go of this fear. it is hard for me. "my space"
is crucial to me.
and now even more so as i merge with my love, m, and i merge with this new
being in my body who i do not even know. this is 2 new people in my life in
less than a year. this is "family" in a very real way.
i'm trying to let go of the notion that mom's have to give up everything.
i'm trying to find that compromise or middle ground. but i can't because this
person in me isn't even "here" yet...yet they are...taking over
my "space" in the most intimate way one could ever. my very body.
from the inside.
i still ask it everyday...are you there? are you there? who are you? make yourself known to me! are you ok??? hello?
i fret and worry it will die inside
of me or outside of me. i dream about death but i also dream about life. i
ahven't told you my dreams or written them down because i tell M and then
i have no energy to reiterate.
but one was a beautiful place right next door to here...maybe it represents
this new apartment.it was perfect harmony and trees the shade of translucent
jade. a house made of white marvle and a pond so clear full fo white flowers
and lily pads but all under water. very clear. so pure you could drink it.
outside people slowly danced in a circle with tibetan incence burning.
another dream i went underground.
i was an archeologist/treasure seeker/tomb raider. everytime i would arrive
at my destination a woman who glowed purple would stare at me as if she was
my bounty hunter.
i accidentally fell through the ground and happened upon a giant egyptian
tomb of a queen. it had already been partially raided. i opened her sarcophagus
and she was shrivelled and mummuified and had a very tiny tiny head.
slowly she started to reanimate, her head got to a regukar size. finally she
was alive and we both wondered at each other. she said that as i watched her
come to life from death she saw me exactly the same way. so somehow we were
merging frequencies to see one another. she gave me a shot in the arm and
i thought it was poison, she told me it was "honey". i felt warm
and lightheaded. she gave herself a shot, too.
the first thing she did is go to her clothes drawers to change clothes, but
her clothes had all been stolen and she was pissed. the next thing i notived
was a huge library. it was the history of everything that had happened.
the 1st book was called P'tah and was about the great flood. the flood itself
was called tah or ta. i opened the book and it was illustrations of water.
somehow it also had something to do with bees. and again 2 bears.
i a few days before i had a dream of 2 bears. they had sex with each other and made a cross shape.
if you look up 2 bears and p'tah and tah or tau or the tat cross, honey and bees...it all fits together somehow.
i don't know why i am being shown this.
i was given the chance to stay with the queen in her underworld and live comfortably or return to the surface. i chose to return to the surface because i missed the sun. but i had to go down to go up.
when i reached the surface it was the year 8,060 or something. the entire earth;s landscape had changed. what was water was now desert and desert was now water. i did not know where i was or where to go.
i saw barges carrying fruit and tried to swim to one to see if i could make it make to some sort of city.
i saw many craters on the ground. at least 5. they were old.
i think most of the earth's population had been wiped out. i was really surprised to see these barges.
anyway, those are my dreams that are big ones lately, extremely summarized.
m has been in a funk yesterday, and i tried to cher him up with morning sex and also left a msg on his voicemail about how nice the other partment is and how he will love it. i hope his day will be more cheerful. he can get deeply introspective and self analytical to the point of depression as i can, too. i understand.
i was totally in a good mood. i was
the one to cheer him on and hoped to be and still hope to be when he gets
home late tonight. but after i saw the very nice apartment i got really depressed
myself even tho i was happy to seeit and for the 1st 1/2 an hour was happy.
i put a 72 hour hold on it.
then i tried to let go of my attachment of this place and i tried to imagine
myself there.
i laid on the couch and truied to
arrange things where they would fit and logically go. i felt guilt over how
much stuff i have.
it's a fear i have from living with other boyfriends who have always resented
my stuff and told me so almost constantly. plus my mom and dad drilling into
my head about how much stuff i have.
really i DON'T have that much stuff if you were to out it in an average sized house. but it loks like i do due to lack of closet space and i don't have the luxury of having a basement, an attic, or a garage like many people do to "hide" the stuff so it's all just out in plain site.
i'm afraid M will see how nice and big this place is and spacious and then once i have moved in all my stuff and made it lok smaler he will resent my stuff like everyone else always has.
maybe this is nonsense and he will
tell me this when he gets home.
he doesn't seem to have a resentment towards my stuff so far. and that has
been really really wonderful. but also i feel less guilty because this place
was mine first and so i feel i have the right to have my stuff here.
if i can't have my stuff where i need and want my stuff to be or have anyone resenting my stuff i become extremely depressed and feel like squashing myself into a very small ball.
i can't squash myself anymore. but here i am now being squashed from the INSIDE which is a whole new ball of wax.
the conceriege showing me the apt was all like "oh the crib could go here and the rockiong chair would be perfect here and here you can set up the changing table and here is a big closet to fit the stroller and car seat" and i was like "damn, you have this more figured out than i do. that coupled with the fact that the woman who lives there now and is moving out had "everything in it's right place". everythingn was so 'adult". kitchen table. couch in the right place. bed on an actual bedstand.
nothing dirty. everything perfect. i had to come hoem and erase all of that from my mind.
i can't live in a "normal"
looking place. in my mind i started painting roots all over it and clouds.
ripping up the carpet. making crocheted things all over and hnaging keys on
the wall.
putting a stripper pole in the living room.
i can't live this "normal" life where people are going to come in and see a kitchen table in the place where the kitchen tabel should be. but i'd like a kitchen table. that would be really handy.
but fuck no beige carpeting...a normal
nursery, a normal mom. i can't fathom it.
i can't even go there. and it scares me that i can't because i think i must
be being unrealistic, selfish or stubborn. that i better "grow up"
and face the music.
no more fucking around. but seriously fuck that.
just fuck. i just want it all to
work out. harmony, art, being myself. my stuff....my projects....i'm sorry
they take up so much room. if only i was a writer liek M, and only needed
a pen and paper. so simple.
but no...i have to have this and that and fabric and guitars and mannequins
and yarn and sewing machines and 8 tracks and computers and wires and cameras
and the gamut.
i am gluttunous but i have to be
all i am.
and i need the sky and the river if i cannot have a yard.
but the kitchen is bigger. and that is nice. the kitchen here is way to small and cooking is fun and important.
i am struggling to let go and shift.
it is a constant struggle.
it's neverending.
i should be so happy right now. i
am so lucky. i have everything.
but fear puts the kabosh on it.
i am scared m will return home again
in a depressed state and i will add to it now.
god, i hope not.
i am trying so hard to keep this boat afloat.
it's all in the mind.
why is it so tricky?
2:55pm
ok, this seems to work for now until
i figure out the damn macromedia dreamweaver thing.
at least i ahev a way now of making new anagrams.
lordy.
check out the nude pix of "harry potter" in the images section :)
hehe :)
he's doing a nude scene in a play called equus in england that is about a boy who has a thing for horses. hmmm...
2:45pm
testing.....
right now i am using macromedia to make the page and then a different ftp
programme to ftp it up....
so testing this to make sure it works....
stuff i wrote under the bed while i wasn't able to make new anagrams:
Posted by ANA on February 13, 2007 at 22:59:23:
here are some things i wrote to you today in today's anagram that i cannot
upload to you for god knows what reason.
"i tried to plug the main camcorder back in with it's new AC adaptor
but the adaptor must be the wrong kind because it will not work :(
i am so sick of technical frustrations :(
and i can't even seem to upload anything ewnto you from my macrommedia dreamweaver
because i
can't get connect with it ...something about not being about to synchronchize
with the remote server clock.
i have no idea what that even means.
:( :( :(
11:40pm
we just watched "little miss sunshine"
it was good :)
5:23pm
people are on EDGE the last few days!
what is UP?
my mom is back to obessing about LJ and emailing me about it and then getting
mad at ME when i tell her to stop.
for people that don't know the story behind that, i'm not getting into it
again but it's been a 4 or 5 year long saga from hell.
it drains the living daylights out of me.
and then just a bunch of other craziness.
i'm holding on by the skin of my teeth, juggling plates.
at least it's not 20 below zero outside anymore so i can finally get to the
p.o. box tomorrow and mail some things.
i THINK i felt the baby move today but i am not sure.
my nausea is getting better and i'm actually getting a bit of an appetite
back.
i gained 1 pound.
i can tell my uterus is even bigger.
i'm sorry for the backlog of emails i have not gotten back to!
i'm trying my best!
the days are getting longer and this is a good thing.
i have to remain POSITIVE.
i'm exhausted.
i ate an egg salad sandwhich.
i need to order some more prenatal vitamins.
(ok, i ordered them, 56 bucks! ouch.)
and i need to take a nap.
i really really really really do not want to take a nap but i have to.
i swear to god i'll get that 2nd cam plugged in tonight.
and G, i'll send you your hat tomorow, dah-link.
everyday i add more beauty things to the box so you won't be disappointed
by my lateness, and also because i lurve you."
---
Posted by ANA on February 15, 2007 at 15:10:51:
still can't get macromedia dreamweaver to work. jason said he'll come over
and look at it but i don't know when that will be. i hope soon.
last night for valentine's M gave me a dozen whirte roses :) they smell wonderful
:)
i went to check out a 2 bedroom apt in this building today but it was totally depressing and seemed very small, even tho it had more square footage than the one i am in now) and the windows were small and the view was horrible and the ceilings were lower and it was just clastrophobic. so that is a no go. i have an appt tomorrow to look at another one. i really don't want to move, tho. i like the apti have now. i just wish this one had one more room.
made it to the p.o box and sent off one mroe box (to lexi for her yarn book) . i can only carry one box at a time because my cart i use to carry boxes is at fuzzy's.
at the p.o. i got 2 more boxes. someone sent me that cool national geographic special called 'womb" which i have really want to see! yay!
and another person sent me all kinds of valentine's goodies, chocolates,
hello kitty pez, vintage crochet thread, an old egg beater :),
my cup runneth over :)
the other day another person sent me a book about the 1st year of mothering
which looks very cool.
it's by my bedside to read next.
i finally got my xmas cards! thanks everyone! yes, i am so late at getting to the p.o.!
i got some things from my computer, a sound recorder programme and such from my pal j.d. :)
now i jsut need to send G her hat!
the box for her is chalk full.
i did 2 loads of laundry and picked up a few things off the floor.
that is about it for my energy today, i think.
i really really wish i had more energy. i want to clean the thing/bedroom
in a major way.
oh god it's driving me nuts in there i cannot find anything,
i need to buy a clothes rack.
i'm behind on so many things.
i wish there were 5 of me.
i updated my internet explorer and windows media player and , of course,
i hate the new versions.
it took me forever to figure out how to add new files to my library of mp3s
yesterday.
and there is this massively annoying and completely pointless new bar on my
browser now that i cannot get rid of.
i've been trying for a week to figure out how to get rid of it and it's happy
stupid looking butttons.
i am irritable today and i wish i was not.
but at least i got some things done.
i ate a banana and peanut butter and some blueberry yogurt.
so many things to do. so many emails to write.
i told my mom's husband to mail me back my broken ac adaptor and he wrote
back that he can come and pick up my camcorder and look for another adaptor
himself for me. i don't want this.
i don't want to see him because i asked him for help about my mom being all
freaked about about LJ again and he said absolutely nothing back to me. so
thanks for the silence, buddy, as usual. so i'm mad at him.
i'm afraid if i give him my camcorder he is going to go and try to buy me
a new camcorder, in trying to be helpful, and he will pick out one i hate.
i'm really picky about my camcorders and i need them to have certain features
like nightvision and other things that he wouldn't know about.
i really wish they would just give me $600 to buy a new camcorder which is how much that one cost.
or i just want him to mail me back my ac adpator like i asked.
ok enough complaining,
----
Posted by ANA on February 15, 2007 at 15:54:43:
In Reply to: today posted by ANA on February 15, 2007 at 15:10:51:
jason is trying to figure out the problem.
we were on the phone trying to fix it but so far he cannot figure it out.
he's going to msg me when he has it figured out, which i sure hope he can....
*crosses fingers*
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