| february
6, 2007 |
||
6:24pm
never mind.
i give up on that ,too.
just shoot me.
6:11pm
well, i'm supposed to be here:
but i see nothing :(
5:57pm
ok, i have found camstreams.com
i will see if i can get it to work.
of course i cannot add it to my site and i cannot have nudity.
*sigh*
seems liek all the ones that allow nudity want to make a buck off you.
no thanks.
5:38pm
i got my windows media player to
work again.
but still cannot connect a microphone to my computer and just record sound.
i don't know why.
i can't find anything that does live streaming video anymore except camarades
which i cannot get to work.
citizenx.com seems to be completely gone, too.
the whole live webcam world is dying and all that is left is "vlogging"
and "moblogging" which is not live.
or everything is youtube or something similiar.
i'm so frusrated.
5:01pm
is this day cursed?
i tried to record sound using the sound device in my accessories folder.i've
done it before. it's easy.
it will not work.
and NOW it says it won't record because another application is recording.
wtf?
i shut everything down.
i tried even playing my mp3s on my windows media player and it says something
is now wrong with my sound device and i cannot even play my music now.
i want to fucking scream.
i will never buy another goddamn dell computer again.
all i want to do is do cool things for ana2. and every time i try NOTHING
WORKS and things break.
i hate this day.
i hate this computer.
i can't find an image organizer that works anymore.
i can't get a cam programme to work.
i can't even get the stupid sound
recorder to work.
nothing.
nothing works.
i hate this computer. i hate not knowing what is wrong with it.
i want to throw it out the window and i can't even have a valium.
FUCK
i just rebooted and
that did not help. itunes will not work now either.
my main cam is dead. my 2nd cam the viewfinder is broken so i cannot tell
what it is ever pointing at.
and it's blurry and has no nightvision.
whenever i start my webcam32 this weird thing pops up that i have to cancel
now.
and webcam32 still keeps freezing up constantly.
why can't i just have my webcam like the old days?
isn't technology supposed to get BETTER not WORSE as time goes by?
everything worked FINE in 1999.
now everything is glichey. everything is made poorly.
shit is fucked.
all i want to do is make my art.
goddamn all this stupid nonfunctioning technology.
i need 2 new computers . i need 2 new cams.
i need some fucking money!
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i want cams back, i want captions. i want effects, i
want sound, i want things to WORK.
i want to make little movies.
i want to organize my images the way i used to be able to.
i want to be able to put a chatroom in here.
i can't fucking stand it.
how can i make any art if i have no TOOLS????
4:30pm
tried to get chillcam to run again.
tried to get coffeecup webcam to run again
tried to understand how to put the coffeecup software chat on my site, to
no avail.
tried to get camarades.com to work for me.
i give up for now.
i can't get anything to work.
1:12pm
she didn't take my blood today, she
is just going to send me to a lab.
she just wanted to talk to me about me taking valium (or librium).
even tho i do not take very much at all.
it has been bothering her that i take any at all.
and so in order to keep her as my midwife i just had to tell her that i will
not take any more medications at all during my entire pregnancy no matter
how difficult that will be for me.
because i really need her to be my midwife because she is the only one i know
who does homebirth and i like her.
so i just want to scream Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
this is going to be so hard for me to just take NOTHING for my anxiety for
the next 6 months.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
but i just have to suck it up and do it or i am going to have to have a hospital
birth and i cannot afford that nor do i want that for a myriad of other reasons.
so just GAH.
i am irritated and not happy about this whatsoever.
and i am irritated that i have psyched myself up to have my blood taken so
many times now and it's STILL not taken.
and now i have to go to a frickin' clinic and psyche myself up AGAIN.
grrr. grrr. grrr. grrrr.
so i have to watch this relaxation tape every day and deal with my anxiety
in all that sort of way.
and just fuck.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
but i'll do it.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
goddammit i am sick of all these challenges being thrown my way that feel
like climbing mount everest times a billion.
but there it is. again. again. again. again. again.
by the time this is over i should be the fucking buddha and have reached enlightenment
or something.
ohm fucking ohm.
i'll calm down and accept my fate but right now i need to bitch about it.
i have enough fucking shit in my life to deal with without now having to MASTER
my anxiety without meds WHILE being pregnant and still trying to pay the bills
and be sane.
FFFFFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK.
i just want to swear a lot right now.
and goddammit if i hear one more fucking person tell me that i am at risk
for having a baby with down syndrome because of my age i am going to destroy
a building or several.
just SHUT UP.
no i do NOT need to take a fucking class on how to deal with my baby if it
has down syndrome.
jeez talk about putting fear and negativity into the ether.
jesus h. mutherfucking christ.
if my baby is born with 6 limbs and no head then so be it.
i will fucking deal with it when and if that happens.
and i'm not shutting my ears and going "la la la la la " that isn't
going to happen but why the fuck FOCUS on it and go to some fear inducing
class about how to take care of a child with down syndrome when the odds are
i am NOT going to have a child with down syndrome?
just fuck!
what will be will be.
it is what it is.
if i have to go into the fucking woods and pop this child out by a tree and
we both die, then SO BE IT.
there is only SO much control i have over this!
i cannot deal with obsessing over every goddamn little thing or i will go
INSANE.
my child is fine. i know it. it's heartbeat is strong.
my child will be my child.
whatever happens to us is not completely in my control.
i have to trust in the universe and the grace of it.
i know my body. i trust my intuition.
and the universe is with me and one with me.
it is what it is.
how i am going to cope with labour?
how the fuck am i even supposed to answer that question RIGHT NOW?
I'LL DO MY BEST!
i'm not a fucking jedi.
yet.
damn.
11:46pm
i'm waiting for the midwife. the
roads are icy and so she is late.
also she forgot to bring the doppler, she told me on the phone, so recording
the babies heartbeat today will not be happening :(
bah.
i'm trying not to be nervous about
her taking 5 vials of blood from me.
right now i am ok but i know as soon as i see that needle i am not going to
be ok with it at all.
maybe i should just keep my eyes shut during the entire process because i
know if i see any of the devices i am just going to freak out. i do not like
this idea of a tube in my arm pouring out blood.
i don't mind mind blood. blood is cool.
i hate needles.
but more than that i hate fainting and feeling lightheaded.
i had a lot of fainting spells as a child so much so that they took me to
the mayo clinic to have my entire brain tested.
they couldn't find anything wrong. but i know know all it was was anxiety
attacks.
anyway, faintinig is no fun and i go to a dark void where i am flaoting in
nothingness and i can hear voices laughing and talking and echoing.
i know it is some inbetween world i do not want to be in.
this is why i hate getting my blood taken.
i do not want to go to the void nothingness place where voices echo and i
feel totally helpless.
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