| february
3, 2007 |
||
8:39pm
i stopped the dvd for a sec because
i feel like writing down part of my dream i had this afternoon.
it will just be in bits and pieces and so will not make much sense to any
of you as it doesn't really make sense to me either, but the act of writing
it down sometimes helps.
firstly it's the typical dream of floods and trying to find my dogs. i finally
find pooka, such a relief.
right now, in
"real" life my right toenail is falling off from dropping a bowling
ball on it on halloween (ish).
in my dream it falls completely off and my toe is covered in a very bright
blue crusty stuff which i an scrape off.
around the same time i lose my left lower molar. the one in the very back
of my mouth. this is not my wisdom tooth as my wisdom teeth are still in my
jaw having neve come out.
i lose this molar because i try to bite open a jar of water that i cannot
get the cap off, also it is a bottle of wine.
i know there is a connection between
losing my molar and losing my toenail but i don't know what it is or what
it symbolizes.
as i inspect my toenail (or lack of) more, i realize my entire foot to 1/2
way up to my knee is actually peeling off, too.
all of it peels completely off and underneath is revealed a cast on my foot
that was put there when i was a child.
it has drawing s of birds on it and giraffes. and people have autographed
it. maybe my mom an adad and doctor who delivered me or put the cast on.
i don't knwo as it is all fading. the only parts i can really make out is
at the top of the cast it says "20's" where the bords are and then
lower is "30's" and then lower still and by the giraffes it says
"40's".
this seems to represent those decades of my life. and maybe in my 40's i am
like a giraffe stretching it's neck now whereas before in my 20's i was more
like a bird. i don't know.
i am baffled how this cast stayed on me my whole life and was never taken
off. i don't even know why the cast was put on in the 1st place.
and how on earth a foot "skin" grew over this cast to make it seem
as if it was never there.
now that i just have the cast i find it uncomfortable to walk on and i know
i have to take it off but i am scared to because i am afriad of what might
be underneath. like some sort of small deformed foot like the women from asia
who would bind their feet. i feel like maybe my foot is in there all squished
and small. will i be able to walk? is it rotting in there?
i hear a voice say "the entrance
(or maybe they said restauraunt?) is in the east."
and then it says "the exit is in the west"
i see a comet in the sky falling
from right to left.
it seems to be dusk from the colour of the sky, which is orangish in tint.
i don't know if this is an ominious
sign or a some sort of good sign like the star of bethlehem.
and i have no idea what the voices meant but what they said and i'm still
freaked out and mystified by my foot and my tooth.
anyway that was part of my dream and i hope it's meaning will be revealed to me at some point. i think the cast part was saying to me that the time of my "youth" is over and now i must learn to walk without the cast given to me in my youth.
i also dreamed of places i had been
in my childhood.
i know these are signs i am struggling with losing MY childhood in order to
make way for the new childhood of my baby.
but i know there is a middle ground.
but i am mourning the loss nonetheless and struggling with it.
not fully understanding the consequences of being an "adult" now
in charge of a child.
i have to step up to the plate, take off the cast of childhood and learn to
walk on my own.
but as far as the tooth thing and the comet thing and the voices and what they said...i have no idea.
i also see the number 222 a lot lately.
hmm, tooth and nail.
fighting tooth and (toe)nail?
8:26pm
i'm feeling better. i ate some food.
chicken and potatoes.
and now i am watching a william
henry dvd
7:04pm
i get up early and then i fall back
to sleep again.
i had dreams that are too complex for me to write down, but they are so intense
and i am still processing them.
my uterus is getting bigger. this is both scientifically fascinating and absolutely
terrifying.
i can't grasp or understand what it will be like to be in charge of a baby.
i just really don't understand it.
i'm sure it must be normal to feel this way. but still, i knowing that, it
does not make me feel any better.
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