| january
15, 2007 |
||
9:04pm
ate food. more than i thought
i could. M is a good cook.
he takes care of me. i am lucky.
7:09pm
i thought today would be good but
it just has sucked so far.
i woke up at noon and it was sunny, which made me happy.
i was determined to finish this crazy sweater i am making from cashmere and
cassette tape.
M was in the kitchen making bread for the 1st time with our breadmaker we
got for xmas.
it just finally got done now and i'm going to go in the kitchen and see it
in a sec.
he is also cooking dinner, mashed potatoes and steaks.
being really good about cleaning the house because i am just laying on the
bed like a wet rag of a person, whining my ass off if i am not asleep.
i don't even know how much dinner i'll be able to eat.
i'm scared out of my mind about birth.
i feel like i'll be ripped in 1/2 and bleed to death.
tomorrow i meet with a midwife in the morning,
i hope i can be semi conscious to even communicate.
it doesn't help that i am still getting hate mail about giving my child to
my mom to raise even tho tthat is not what i am going to do now.
i don't care what these people think, but when you aren't feeling well it
doesn't add to the pleasantness of anything to read about how i am a pathetic
human being who doesn't deserve to even live or see my child face to face
ever in it's entire life because i don't deserve to because i am such a horrid
person that i didn't "love" my child enough to raise it by myself.
this would be one of the many reasons i would not put my child up for adoption
to anyone i did not know intimately because what if it ended up with an asshole
like that?
as if THAT person is fit to raise a child.
screaming "I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS!!!!!!" at a total stranger just
for struggling with the ramifications of being pregnant.
people can be so evil. it makes me feel sick and i feel sick enough already.
why i this world such a fucked up place?
i want to just hide somewhere in a cave on top of a mountain and never come
back.
being pregnant, i would have thought would make me feel closer to life, but
actually i feel closer to death, just as much, if not more.
which makes sense when you think about it.
since death is like birth and vice versa.
i feel very close to death like i am just a thin piece of cellophane between
here and there.
full of nerves and blood and emotions.
bones and tiny skulls forming.
i feel like i am aging a year a day.
i need a massage my head hurts.
i haven't brushed my teeth today.
i feel disgusting.
m just came over and rubbed my shoulders a bit.
i'm as tense as a stone.
i hear the steaks frying now.
i want to cry or scream but i don't have any energy to do so.
hopefully after i try and eat something and we watch a movie i will feel a
bit better.
today has been a tough one.
i don't remember my dreams except vaguely.
the usual, trying to find a way hoeme, trying to find a place to hide or have
refuge in broken down houses.
floods, washed out bridges, narrow curving roads around mountains, steep cliffs,
raging rivers,
hopping trains, hopping barges, hiding under old rotting cars, garbage cans,
attics, bushes.
M remains cheerful and supportive and tries so hard to cheer me up or allieviate
my anxiety.
god bless him.
and he is even sick with some sort of cold thing.
i probably will get hate mail for
even writing this.
because i am not feeling all cheerful and bubbly about the life inside of
me,
waiting with loving anticipation for it to be forced through my through a
hole the size of pearl.
http://www.anacam.com/doc/ana_voog_documentary.wmv
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