| january
12, 2007 |
||
6:17pm
more changes of plans as things evolve.
my mom and i are already sparring about the child.
i had relinquished that she would be fully in charge of the child and all
the decision making.
even tho that was a struggle for me.
but one thing i cannot budge on is that she will not let me breast feed!
she will not even let me pump my breast milk and send it to her!
WTF?
i think that is just...beyond the pale...to say it without a string of swear
words.
and just a whole bunch of other things that sent up red flags for me that
i do not even want to get into now because i am just so damn exhausted from
it.
if it's going to start out this way then i fear what the future will bring.
i mean not letting me breastfeed the child?
EXCUSE ME???????
no.
so i have a lot to think about again.
and now i am leaning very heavily towards raising this child myself.
sure the child will have more money with her, but money isn't everything.
and the child can go visit her instead of vice versa.
it can still have the cabin on the lake and her backyard, etc when it goes
to visit.
the grace of the universe will provide.
i'm meeting with a midwife on tuesday
for a homebirth.
cost $3,500
cost at a hospital: amost 30,000!
(my mom said she'd pay all my medical
expenses but when she found out how much they are these days she freaked...understandably,
and said she could not afford it)
plus i hate hospitals.
but if there are any complications i am 3 minutes away from 5 hospitals, so
no one will be in any danger.
this is where i stand right now and what i am thinking about.
*I* am the child's mother and i am going to damn well breastfeed it.
and i'm not sticking it in some crib in another room and not let it sleep
next to my body after being used to being in my womb.
i mean, jeez, give the child a transition period.
plus she said she would consider
raising my child as raising an extension of me.
i think that's creepy.
it is an extension of me biologically, but it is it's own person!
it's like she wants to raise ME all over. and it just isn't that way.
it's like she wants to return to the days where she was raising me.
this child is not me.
let it be it's own person.
+++
a very touching email fro my friend bayarts i received today that brought tears to my eyes:
"What I am about to tell you is an amazing story that has to do with you and your baby and I am telling you this because I think it is beautiful, and I want to share it with you because it was almost like a sign , the way the events fell into place.
Last weekend, when I read about your dilemma about deciding what to do, it weighed heavily on my mind because you are my good friend and I felt very concerned about you. I guess because you were on my mind, this was why I decided to go over to Berkeley to see the Yoko Ono Grapefruit exhibit....because I know that you are a fan of hers and I certainly am as well, one of many things we have in common.....so we went over there.
The place was practically empty as I walked around the room and looked at her art, amazed at how profound it was/is. Then, a youngish couple walked in. They were probably UCal students. I couldn't believe my ears because they were talking about you! Not your pregnancy or anything, but one of them had seen the Camgirls video and was explaining to the other one who you were. The very second that they walked by, I dropped my "Imagine Peace" button that was a gift from Yoko to all the guests who were visiting the exhibit, and I bent over to pick it up. You were on my mind at that moment, because I had gone there thinking about you, and also because that couple had mentioned your name....so right at that moment, when I raised back up, I saw a poem by Yoko that was written in white on a pale blue wall, barely visible. I felt a lump in my throat when I read it because I knew I was meant to see it. I fished around in my handbag and pulled out the Family Legacy brochure from the Betty Saar exhibit that I had seen the week before and I wrote it down for you. I will mail it to you when I think of it.
It said:
Touch Poem
Give birth to a child
See the world through its eye.
Let it touch everything possible
and leave its fingermark there
in place of a signature.
It was a very powerful moment, one that I felt was intended to occur. "
---
also, i think it is symbolic it was
on a pale blue wall as the ring M bought me for xmas to symbolize my pregnancy
is a pale sky bue topaz.
sky blue (fom the name of the crayon) was my favourite colour as a child.
http://www.anacam.com/doc/ana_voog_documentary.wmv
+++
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