| december
24, 2006 |
||
mouseover:
1:14pm
i'm feelig better today. more focused.
getting ready to go to mom's for xmas.
i'll be back tomorrow.
it shoudl be a wild ride. my 1st xmas and mom's for years and years and years.
and tomorrow even my dad and brother will show up which will make it the 1st
xmas since i was about 12 or 13 that i have my entire actual family around
me for xmas or for anything.
yesterday i went out to dinner with jason and his friend's while m was at
work.
i was glad for the food but the people were somewhat obnoxious and i was glad
to get home.
but it was good to get out of the house.
my dreams, which i don't have time to get into in great detail, that i had
the last 2 days were horrific.
it made it even worse when , oddly, people i don't know would send me "anapix"
that had to do with my
last "12 babes of xmas" photo shoot i did and then
would interpret it and mix it around to reflect the horrific dreams i just
had. and i was just like WTF???
my 1st dream, briefly, was about having nothing, stealing food from this school/house
next door that had a huge garden and they wnated to know who was stealing
the food, and so they put up surveillance cameras and i just didn't know what
todo.
so i decided that the only thing i could do if i could not have any food is
to make myself into food and end it all.
so i decided to boil myself in a big couldron and make myself into soup.
and then after seeing the results of that, which were not pretty, i decided
to feed myself to lions.
anyway, it was way more gross and sad than that. and when i woke up feeling
shellshocked from the dream in my inbox was this "anapix"
with the accompanying email:
"I made a collage from your photos and more... Maybe it´s about
"fast", because on fast-days the body "eats itself".
Otherwise really liked your idea. Have nice holidays."
so uh....ya. that freaked me out.
then i had a dream about nuclear
war and we were all going to die slowly from radiation poisoning.
i watched my dad strangle his childhood dog to spare him future pain.
it was horrific.
i tried to figure out how to die and decided to throw myself off a cliff.
in my inbox was THIS "anapix"
with the accompanying email:
"I made some pictures for this
christmas thingy. I couldn´t make more,
because i have to put my things together, to catch the train in 7
hours and i want to sleep and all that. I´m going to germany to visit
all the Klauses and Fritzes and Michaels. I´m actually in Budapest.
I
forget the zebras and mushrooms, maybe in january i send some.
Apropos, when i was young i made a jesus with plastic tits maybe you
like such things:
I think it was against a war or something like that. But now it´s for
christmas. Maybe i should put there some reindeer."
so uhhhhh, double whammy and just
WTF?
here my photos for the 12 babes of xmas were very empowering and a year later
i am being shown them in a disempowering way that is mirroring my dreams.
freaky "coincidence" to say the least.
so i took a prozac. and i took another
one today.
because dang, i am just not "going there"
way too horrible and freaked out and and i was just feeling more than depressed
and hopeless.
so gonna get myself out of that negative "vortex" as quickly as
possible.
so today feels better. i need to pack now, take a bath, get my shit together,
go to my mom's and get xmas over and done with.
i'm a bit familied out already. and i just want to get all of this stuff out
of the way and my court date on jan 8th and god, just everything, and get
my energy back so i can make those hats for pluckyfluff's book and then get
to making a new record before my baby is born.
so that's the plan.
although the plan constantly changes.
i hope everyone is having a nice
holiday or unholiday or however you choose to spend these days.
and i hope we all make it through in one piece semi-sane.
i'll be back tomorrow.
much love,
ana
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