| december
20th, 2006 |
||
happy birthday fuzzy!!!!!
8:59pm
today i felt
very blah, depressed. no energy, no motivation, no interest in anything.
M came home tho now and cheered me up a bit :)
i'm so glad he can do this :)
it's a rare thing.
3:08pm
so tired.
listening to sigur ros.
think i will lay in bed and stare at the grey sky.
2:37pm
take my poll:
http://ana.livejournal.com/1832560.html
12:17pm
today is the new moon.
it is also slate grey. everything seems to be one shade of grey.
my dreams are full of anxiety.
trying to find shelter, trying to hide from cops who are after me,
hiding in rotten logs, people's garage's, anywhere...
running through fields, swamps, rivers, back roads, cliffs.
i wake up cold and shivering to a
grey day.
anxiety.
trying to shake myself out of it.
i dream about teaching my child that all things are connected and made of
energy.
i still can't get tuned in on whether
or not my child is a boy or a girl.
at 1st i was sure it was a girl. and now M and i are not so sure anymore,
for reasons we cannot explain.
i do tarot card readings here and
there to see if i can gain insight but it's all really vague, like the outcome
will be "the magician" which means, it's up to me to create my reality.
but "science" says the sex of the child is already predetermined
and set right now.
but my gut says that someone, beyond science or reason, the sex of my child
has not been determined yet.
like the child has just not made up it's mind exactly what sex it wants to
be.
like it's just watching me from the spirit world and still working out the
details on that one.
i wonder if it's still working out the details as to whether or not it even
wants to come into physical existence or not.
maybe it is waiting for me not to care whether or not it is a boy or a girl,
because i want a girl.
i think i have to just let go of all of it and let it be want it wants to
be.
maybe i am freaking it out with all my wants.
i've just had so many bad experiences with boys, like my brother.
my brother was a terror.
or what if my child has down syndrome? what will i do?
i'm not going to have any tests to see if it has that or anything else deemed
"defective".
it's weird how i want to know if it's a boy or girl but not know anything
else.
i think i don't want to know if it has down syndrome just because i wouldn't
want any negative or scary feelings emanating to it. i don't want a doctor
asking me if i want to abort my child just because it has something society
deems "defective" about it. that's so nazi.
i don't want to hear those words. like i would kill my child if something
was "wrong" with it.
who am i to judge it's worthiness to live and it's value to the universe?
and really who am i to judge that i would be better off with a girl than a
boy?
i feel ashamed for even having a preference, given all the girls who are aborted,
sold, or left on the side of the road just for being girls (as in china).
i don't want my child to come into this world , first thing, with my disapointment
that it's not a girl.
i feel so selfish even tho i know these are normal feelings.
i have to let go of all my judgements and let the child be who it wants to
be.
maybe it will be a hermaphrodite cyclops, i don't know.
who i am to say what is preferable?
i am the vessel to let this soul shine through.
and it should shine with no filters on it by me.
this is a challenge.
+++
horoscopes from: