| december
14th, 2006 |
||
4:32pm
got up at 9am and m and i went back
to macy;s and got that ring. it was even MORE cheap, i don't know why. he
got it as my xmas presemnt. so i am happy it is on my finger. it's a stunning
sky blue topaz on sterling silver. kind of art deco but also very simple and
modern for now, as well :)
i am very happy i have a new ring in my life that i can wear and love and
means something special.
i alsoways need a big ring on my finger that signifies something big like
a transition, or when i would get signed to a record label, and now i have
one to represent my pregnancy :)
then i went to walgreen's and bought some latex gloves and a stethescope (sounds
kinky).
and i went to this grocery store and bought 3 mexican virgin mary candles
and a bottle of water.
then i looked at the child's museum store to see if there was anything in
there i could find for anyone for xmas, but didn't.
then i got 2 mcdonald's cheeseburger's ( i know , bad! i only get them like
twice a year)
it was the only thing i could think of that i wanted to eat.
it was in this big corporate building and i had just happened upon the whitest
most minnesota nerdiest choir i have ever seen in my life. i ate the cheeseburgers
as they meekly sang xmas carols.
then went home and got a book by carlos castaneda from btripp.
THANKS BTRIPP!
and then i fell asleep as i was insanely tired.
woke up feeling all anxious.
it's getting hard going off the valium now.
maybe i will start taking my prozac every other day to see if that will help.
but i'm a bit scared to do so because
of all the responsibility on me right now, i have to keep in a good state
of mind.
my i feel so anxious, restless, and like pacing the floor but at the same
time too tired to do so.
my concentration is very low.
i don't know what to do with myself now because of my anxiousness and no concentration.
but i'm sick of lying in bed. i just don't know what to do to calm myself.
my dreams are yucky and full of fear of miscarriage dreams.
i'm certain now that the last period i did have was a miscarriage as i investigated
things on google last night.
so that put the fear in my head again.
i'm trying to let it go.
i need to by som ink for my printer so i can print out biz stuff to show how
much i make so i can apply for these hellish social services things.
ducky doolittle gives me emotional support to get on in there and face it.
and fuzzy is very very supportive and i know will help me with many things.
i am glad i have such good friends.
i won't be able to do any of this tho until i return from M's parent's.
tomorrow we leave and will be back on sunday.
i'm nervous about that, too.
and then when i am back it's full on social service form filling and walking
to the buildings.
i wish i could stay on valium.
then it's xmas, and that overwhelm's me and what to get everyone still alludes
me although last night, after hours of thinking, i finally came upon what
i will give m.
i mean i knew what i wnated to get him but for some reason i could just not make it happen in an easy way so i had rethink and then rethink again how to do it. and now i think i have a plan and just need to do it now.
i have so much to do it's just daunting.
i can't wait until survior is on so i can have some respite from my brain.
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