| december
12th, 2006 |
||
fixed anagrams that images were not working before:
http://www.ana2.com/private/anagram2006/anagram072106/anagram072106.html
http://www.ana2.com/private/anagram2006/anagram071906/anagram071906.html
http://www.ana2.com/private/anagram2006/anagram072506/anagram072506.html
7:54pm
today was a very busy day. i was
awakened at 9am by the phoen for this health center thing.
i made an appointment even tho i have not applied for minnesotacare yet.
yesterday, i bought a ring at macy's to commemerate the official proclomation
of my pregnancy.
it was 50% off and a total deal and gorgeous.
when i looked at my bank statement today i found out what the mystery $79
charge was...it was amazon billing me for their premium service, something
i signed up for but they told me when the trial was over they would tell me
so i would have the option to cancel.
well, i am figuring out that all these 'trial" things for free are a
total scam and they never tell you when your time is up or give you a way
out.
like time magazine did the same thing to me.
so i have chargebacks on both of those things because i feel bamboozled.
it made my checking go $66 under. i was freaked.
i didn't want to see 6 $33 overdraft fees piling up.
so i IMMEDIATELY got dressed and went to macy's and returned the ring at 10:30am.
i don't know why this doesn't show up in my online bank statement right away,
as when i buy anything with my debit card it will show up , literally, within
seconds.
so my bank balance still shows i am under i am paranoid.
i do have $100 going in there from credit cards any minute, but god it takes
so long?
if i get overdraft fees i am going to be so depressed and angry.
fucking amazon and time magazine.
and there is also some mystery fee from my credit card processing co. i have
to deal with.
it's overwhelming.
then i called the line to appeal my citation.
a computer voice informed me that i have a court date for january 7th. nice
to know.
i tried to call a lawyer who sent me his card and he said he cost $1,500 and
i had to laugh as my maximum fine i could have for my misdeanor that i DID
NOT DO is $1,000.
and he said this was cheap counsel for misdemeanors. i mean , hello?
why would i pay a layer $500 more than my maximun fine could be?
so i will show up in court and ask for a cheap lawyer and show i am poor.
and then i will have to make another court date because, of course, i am pleading
not guilty to this and i want my $200 bail back, and they will be lucky if
i do not sue their asses on top of it.
i don't know where i am finding the
energy to do this.
usually this stuff just shuts me down.
but maybe it's my anger that is fueling me.
maybe my little "black eyed
pea" inside me is giving me extra strength.
i feel like a mother lion.
ROAR!
last night i read i pregancy book fuzzy gave me which was both frightening and informing.
i called the minnesotacare line and
asked if they would take bank statements as proof of my income rather than
tax filings. since i don't have those. and they will take "business ledgers"
and then i have 6 moonths to show them my taxes.
so i just have to work my but off here. and my accountant is expensive (and
worth it, you get what you pay for).
but if i can get him to do just 2007, then i'll be ok for now.
so the race is on.
and this weekend i meet matthew's parents!
and then the whole xmas thing...oy
vey.
what to get ANYONE on so little money???
i'd crochet them all something but i have to make 5 hat's for pluckyfluff's
book pronto.
so i am spinning plates like there is no tomorrow here.
after i did all that and more, i
fell asleep, and then my mom's husband came over and gave me a care package
of food from my mom.
oranges and canned soup and rice and carrots and potatoes and stuff.
so because i got free food and they
are taking food donations downstairs in this building for poorer people, i
went through all the food i cannot eat because i am pregnant and things i
was not probably going to eat soon, and put a big bag of groceries in the
box downstairs.
it felt good to get food and also give food.
we all help each other.
then i did 2 loads of laundry and
dishes, went through all the cam pictures from the last 2 days to put them
in here.
as you can see i was in a rather dire mood yesterday. i felt quite hopeless
towards the end of the evening.
my moods change hourly.
i am very scared of a lot right now.
last night i just kind of shut down for awhile and silently cried.
i think what really bummed me out besides the forms that feel like signing
your sould over to the devil is that talking to my mother just bummed me out
completely this time.
she's all like, "whatever i can do to help, we're all in this together,
i love you more than anything, everything is going to be ok, we are a family"
but when i ask her for ONE prenatal care visit in case i cannot get social
services in time (or do not want any)
she is jsut all like ...no.
everyone wants to tell me what is necessary and not necessary, like i have
no brains of my own to make deciions about how i wnat to do anything.
if i want help from ANYONE i have to do it THEIR WAY or else i am just on
my own.
so last night i felt completely let down and utterly alone.
so my mom will buy me a trendy maternity outfits that she gets so excited
about that i will only be able to wear for a few months of my life, and a
frickin' dressing table i do not need, and lots of cute baby clothes that
are new,and all this stuff i do not need but she won't pay for an ULTRASOUND???
now i know she is NOT OBLIGATED to pay for ANYTHING.
i am an adult and all this is up to me.
but don't give me a big schpeil (sp?) about "how we are all in this together
and what can i do for you... anything you need just let me know..."
but then say, if you do not sign
your soul over to the satantic social services where i will be subject to
having ALL my information shared with every single goverment agency on earth,
and subject to spontaneous audits and visits by child protection servives
and have leins on any future assets i may EVER get...then i get NO help from
her.
but i thank her for the oranges and stuff.
but i see clearly now by "help" she means what she wants to help
me with not what i ask her for help with.
if i want a cute maternity outfit or some trendy baby thing, she is all over
it, drooling to do it.
because appearances are everything to her.
but if i want an ultrasound or prenatal care before i get on social services
then screw that.
so i just felt utterly hopeless and alone last night.
all i could think about if i don't sign forms over to satan, that i will have
to just sell everything i own to pay for stuff myself. andf if my delivery
costs 13,000 to 40,000 i will just have to file for bankruptsy or something
because i don't know what else i could do. i feel so fuct.
stuck between a rock and a hard place.
i feel no buffer at all.
everything is just brutal and uncompassionate.
i feel like the borg is hovering over my soul getting ready to assimilate
me. resistance is useless.
i should eat something but i am not hungry. but i will force myself to eat some oranges and pinneapple.
there is nothing on tv tonight that
interests me. it's silent in here.
i don't even know if i want to listen to music.
i may just eat fruit, go back to bed and stare.
i'm not sure what to do.
i really should crochet but i am having a hard time getting started on it
all.
but i have to get it done.
+++
horoscopes from: