| november
28, 2006 |
||
5:03pm
i went to the police dept to get a report on wtf i did.
cost: 25 cents
it did not give me much insight.
then they told me to go to this other building and get this other report but
they did not have it because i have not been formally charged of anything
and they told me to go back to the other building who had just sent me to
that building.
ya, the catch 22 game.
they said all i can do is wait for my court date to arrive and then i will
see if i am even formally charged of ANYTHING.
the "public narrative" in my small report is a total lie.
it says:
sent to *address* on a possible
D.K. (drinking party?).
suspect was G.O.A.
(gone one arrival) from
that location.
( i asked the restaurant today what happened andthey said that i was pestering
the clients, that guy....and so they told me to leave and so i do so ON MY
OWN ACCORD. there words.
no fight. nothing. they also said they did NOT call the cops nor press charges
against me)
so yes i was GOA because i was going home 5 blocks away, which is LOGICAL.
the call was latter updated
that the suspect was at *address of MY HOUSE* acting unusual.
uh, ya because they ESCORTED me home??? and i was acting
unusual because i had just been escorted by 4 to 5 police home?
define UNUSUAL?
upon arrival suspect was
at *my apartment #*
(they did not ARRIVE at my aprtament they ESCORTED me to my apt!)
the suspect appeared under
the influence of drugs or suffering from mental illness
(hahah! what can i say to that??? i mean...i am just....astounded)
brought olson *name of hospital*
for a psych evaluation.
which is NOT TRUE. i was NEVER at a hospital.
they did not take my blood pressure, a blood test, a breathalizer test, my
pulse, my weight, ask my any questions at ALL.
i know that hospital, i have been in it and i was NOT there.
i will call the hospital tomorrow just to make sure.
but i do know that M called that hospital to see if i was there and they said
i was NOT.
while at the hospital she
became irate and kicked/stomped on officer
well since i wasn't at the hospital, and if i did kick anyone, they kicked
me 1st (nah nah nah)
but all i kicked was the door to my solitary confineiment cell while i DEMANDED
to se a NURSE.
which no one let me see.
if i HAD been to a hospital i WOULD have seen a nurse!
brought to the L.E.C. (stands for something like correction center /jail)
were she was booked for D.O.C.
(disorderly conduct)
which i DIDN"T do until i was puit into that hellish solitary confinement
cell.
so...it's just a fabrication.
a bunch of shit.
and now i wait for my court date.
and i have the conceirge of my building to TESTIFY that the cops brought me
IN to my apartment building and did not just "arrive" at MY doorstep.
this is all i know so far.
this is all they will telll me.
i hope this will be thrown out of court.
11:37am
it's a cold rain and howling wind
today.
the sound of the wind puts me on edge and i cannot sleep because it is so
loud.
i have to get them to come up here and fix my windows, fer cryin' out loud.
also my microwave stopped working over a week ago so they need to put in a
new one.
i turned my heater on.
today is a good day to make soup.
i wish i had more to make a soup with.
i feel better today, a bit more normalized.
i still haven't gotten my period.
last month my period was 5 days late and i got it on the 23rd.
i don't seem to be on the 28 day cycle anymore.
my body is changing or i am just stressed out.
who knows what my body is doing.
i don't FEEL pregnant, whatever that is supposed to feel like.
but my breasts are very sore, which could also be because i am about to get
my period any second *crosses fingers*
if i am pregnant i don't think i could have an abortion.
when i was younger i could do it, but now that i am older, i don't think i
could deal with the emotions of that.
but also if i am pregnant, because of my age (or so the experts say) the chances
of me having a miscarriage are very high.
also i do not know how my medications would effect the fetus.
but then again, courtney love had a physically healthy child, so go figure.
it's just a game of chance.
if i actually HAD the child, i would probably find a family member to adopt
it.
because i would always want ti in the family and know where it was and have
access to it and be in it's life as much as possible.
but i don't think i could afford it on my own.
well, i KNOW i couldn't afford it on my own.
and in my tiny apartment with 3 dogs.
i just don't know.
maybe i'll get my period today or tomorrow.
if i have a child in another country is that child then automatically a citizen
of that country?
my mind wanders to a million questions.
life is intense.
i both hope i get my period and also hope i don't.
i have mixed feelings and none of them are logical or rational.
2:42am
2:40am
excerpts of writings i made in the month of november that i did not put in ana2 (until now):
i'm cooking a beef soup with leeks and cajun spices, a load of dishes in the dishwasher, a load of laundry.
took out the garbage. went to the
bank.
i'll probably sleep the rest of the day.
m gets off work at 4pm.
he was late today.
i remember his alarm going off at 6:30am and then all of a sudden it was 7:35pm
and he was supposed to be there at 7:45pm.
he was frantic.
i have made peace with him leaving
here, pretty much.
i thank the gods.
it is comforting. i gave in to it and it is good.
there are strange sounds coming from my wall. wtf?
i planted 2 avocado seeds. one i put a pyramid on top. the one i bought jason. it was expensive. supposedly comprised of different layers of metals for maximum effect.
all i want is for it to bloom.
i need some plants in here.
my "jason relation ship plant" died, appropriately.
but ya, plants, they add such a vibrance to a room.
i'm going to go to my dad's for thanksgiving and my mom's for xmas....with matt.
matt his nervous, i understand. he shouldn't be tho because my parents always show their good side around new people.
he'll probably be utterly mystified as to why i had a restraining order against my mom when he meets her.
i look forward to xmas. m is my 1st
boyfriend in over a decade who is not jewish.
i love the jews and miss them so much. but it is fun to be with a person who
has memories of christmas.
i asked him yesterday what language
he would like to learn and he said hebrew!
so i guess i am not done with the jews yet.
there is a synagoge that teaches hebrew , i think, nearby.
i would like to learn it with him.
that excited me.
i love hebrew.
i should take a nap now or i am going to wake up and be a zombie for rest of the day. i don't know.
takong 40 mg of prozac instead of 20 is making a difference, i think.
i just wish i had the funds to fill and but my new prescriptions.
and my phone and electric bill. i
haven't paid it in MONTHS!
but , to my knowledge i have not received a disconnection notice from either
of them.
this is either divine intervention or i am missing a bill from there somewhere.
i live on the edge.
ok, enough writing for now.
time for a very long nap.
when i wake up, m might be home.
tonight csi miami!
7:47pm
i'm making a bath. i smell like fear and anger.
8:09pm
i'm so fucking pissed off right now i don't know how to channel this anger.
i am not your goddess.
and i am not dinner for your plate either.
i have no more words left in me for today
---
sometimes, a lot most recently, i
have been reevaluating anacam and what i have done. like have i just added
to the problem of porn?
i don't think so because i think i give good quality realistic images of a
woman.
not some glossed over thing.
and i think that is needed in this world. but there are people who will twist
it into anything they want. you can do that with anything...politics, religion,
a pair of shoes.
since the guy who busted in my house and tried to rape me when i was 18 or 19 years old when i was minding my own business , living with my mom, working at a donut shop and not drawing any attention to myself. that was the catalyst to live my life how i want to. because i know from that experience that many men are fucked up (and women, too, but in a different way...i generalize) and there is nothing i can do about it. i could cover myself in a burkah and still be beaten to death or raped.
i'm not going to shut myself off to the world. there is no escape.
as rachael says in bladerunner, i'm not in the business, i am the business"
i try to be friends with this new
person i met who seems so intelligent, aware, compassionate. he tells me he
cares for my wellbeiing. he works for the poor.
he is passionate and articulate. yet he reveals to me, even tho i am in awful
spirits because i think i've just had a miscarriage, that he shaved off all
his pubic hair "for me" and jacked off to me "for me".
i never asked for that. and so that is a lie that it was 'for me". and
i wrote him an email. i had the guts to do it because i was semi-drunk.
and i still have not yet heard a reply from him.
if he never writes back then i am angry. i demand honesty and equality. i demand to meet people i want to be friends with on equal ground.
people disappoint me so often. i feel so alone.
but that's ok, because i like to be alone. i am rarely lonely, just alone.
alone is comfort. comfort away from freaks like that.
there is a total disconnect mostly
between men and women.
in so many ways we might as well be of different species and in a way we are.
i have organs on my body you do not.
i do not have a prostrate gland, and you do not have a uterus.
but my clit is very much like a penis, even tho it is so small and does not get hard in the morning or hard to porn. and my ovaries and like your testicles but they are inside of me. and they carry eggs not sperm. eggs which were given to me the moment of my birth, while you still manufacture sperm on a day to day basis.
i have more nerves in my clit than
you do in your penis.
and doctors/scientist have just NOW doscovered the network of nerves that
the clit is in connection with. my clit is the mouse that clicks on to the
internet of my body. it runs for miles. it is not just a tiny button that
ends there.
it is the beginning of an entire network on my body.
i always knew that i would be famous,
in some degree.
but i knew it would not happen the way it happens for men, via "we have
the LARGEST and most expensive stage ever" like U2. it would not be a
huge spectacle ABOVE ground in a purely physical way.
it would not be shock and awe but shekinah.
and didn't know how this would be done but i felt it in my body before the internet was born.
i am water on the stone dripping
slowly.
i am the waves against the ocean.
i am the underground currents that keep the planet alive.
i am the coral reef
i am unseen and diregarded and plankton. yet i am the net, the web, the small thing that keeps everything unified.
without women, everything will fall
apart.
we are the ones connecting everything.
we are the ones who take in your nervous, fearful, and violent energy, and
transform it IN our bodies and turn it into something more useful than "just
another orgasm"
our bodies are tranformation "machines"
we are the very instrument in which the ethereal transforms into the material.
we are the center of the wheel.
but through you i have dicovered
male sexual energy in a nonthreatening way, finally.
i have let you in.
you are in now, in the web.
know me, know "it"
i am shekinah, kali, medusa, athena, hecate...
and i am just me, a small woman from minnesota.
but the microcosm is the macrocosm.
thank you for givng to me you male
sexual energy in a nonthreatening way.
i finally see it's beauty and usefulness.
it is not just for war, rape, fights, pissing on your territory, commanding,
demanding...it is a yearning to be one with the shekinah. it reaches up and
says 'please who i am give me a purpose, it yearns to be purposeful.
but does not know where to go...not yet...
but it is so powerful and it HAS shaped this earth for the last several thousand
years at least.
how lonely this energy is. killing everything in it's path, killing the very
thing it longs to connect to and be. and be with, lovingly.
i think we can get this down. i think
we can figure this out in our lifetime, you and me, how to combine both of
these energies and make worlds from them.
at least i hope so.
i hope that our sexual awakening and honesty inspires others to also awaken to this.
the other day a leader of a country said "if meat is laid out in plain view of the animals, who is to blame it is eaten, the animals or the meat?"
i am meat.
this is the way most men see me. i know this. i have felt it and experienced it.
it has been told to me countless times. and still to this day by leaders of entire countries.
when will this end?
let it begin with us.
please help me navigate through this.
i love you.
+++
3:54pm
my letter to bobby z, i miss him so much:
just checking in :)
miss u.
broke up with jason after 9 years.
thank god.
he said he saw you and vicki the other day at zeitgeist, which is funny, because
there is this HUGE neon red Z in their studio (which i did not know was theirs)
i walk by it almost every day and think of you and wish how much i could somehow
get it and give it to you. ha :)
i've been up to a lot. too much to
type.
would you like to get together for coffee sometime?
i think it would be wonderful to see you again. i want to hear what you've
been up to.
i miss your stories!
the winter i was going to make my
new record (obviously) never happened due to conflicts with my mother and
other life changes that took a lot of energy away from me in that way.
got a restraining order on her even, and really mourned that. but we have
reconciled a bit now and things are on the mend.
i bought the new fostex 8 track,
which works with compact flash, the same as my camera.
i like fostex because it's user friendly..not like that tascam 8 track i had
to read the manual for just to turn the dang thing on.
so THIS winter i really really really
hope to make new music.
it's been perculating in me for what...almost a decade now?
i turned 40 in april and went to
portal ND to make a movie.
talked to chuck statler to help me.
he said yes, but unfortunately and like life, it rained freezing rain the
entire time i was there!
still, it was a MEMORABLE birthday, which i was going for.
took a lot of photos of all the abandoned prairie houses on the way.
such gorgeous decay.
after dave n split with carmen, we
had a little "meeting" when he came here with his new band.
but he really disappointed me with some very immature things he did.
so..whatever. what a wanker. i can see why carmen filed for divorce.
i really didn't want a new boyfriend
after jason, i was ready just to be single for quite a few years, but this
25 year old guy kinda fell into my lap, and what can i say? his name is matt,
which is fitting because he matted my hair so much i lost 1/2 of it, i swear,
which is why i got dreads. because if he was going to keep dreading my hair
i may as well do it right.
he is truly amazing and rocks my world. i needed that badly :)
he is extremely yummy and i never would have thunk at age 40 this is where
i would be...with a boy of 25, 3 dogs, crocheting, and being some sort of
weird performance artist, although i am kind of getting bored with that now
because technology cannot keep up with what i want to do.
i go between tourinig with the sexworkersartshow.com (via cam) and then being
on the headfront of a new crochet movement and delcing into fiver and textiles
in a way no one has before. it's a strange paradox. but it makes sense in
me.
as soon as jason and i broke up, he went and bought a 370,000 luxury condo 3 blocks from where i live. and weirdly we both got dreads.
i went to vancouver and learned how
to do hair extensions from a girl who learned from sonia, my surragate mother
who died a few years back at age 53. i have a tattooed S on my wrist for her
in red.
it looks like henna. my 1st tattoo. hurt like a bitch. so i can't see me getting
any more tattoos, as much as i'd like to. not unless someone gives me a ton
of percocet.
she was the creator of hair police and the dread perm. but i learned from
jervais (who learned from sonia) a way to make dreads with only ratting and
crochet and no chemicals.
so crochet still keep coming in handy :)
so i got dreads (not like jason's) and it's been an interesting experiment.
kind of like having a bonsai tree on your head :)
i didn't go to learn to make money from it so much as i just wanted to learn her craft so it was in me. i so now i know "the secret knot" that ties those extensions to your head so they will NOT come out. i'm darn good at it. and it's relaxing. i love string and knots....who knew?
i went for the process not the goal.
i did dmt with a guy named phong in elven hood. a place they call "africa".
it was the most beatiful place i have ever seen. a panormama view of the entire
ocean and all the islands in vancouver. no one knows it's there except the
nerighbours. it's a secret place. we ran around on the moss like mokeys and
giggled communed with holographic waves of the ocean.
you should check this guy's site out:
www.phong.com
and he's only 23 and has done videos (the special effects) for eminem (who i hate) and i think NIN and a bunch of others. but he is so evolved, like some sort of space alien. a truly amazing being. so kind and gentle.
it's been a TRIP, and even tho i still love jason, and we are still friends, god, i am so glad to be over it. he really held me back and screwed with my head in the worst way. i am unravelling the knots he put in me.
anyway, i know i'm being all wordy, as i usually am, and you will probably write me back in an answer of 3 words or less.
but ya, i'd like to see you and have
coffee or lunch or something.
would you like that?
i want to touch bases and get fired
up for music again.
i dream entire songs in my head.
they are busting to get out.
i think you can give me that extra push and get me off my ass to do it.
and i think it will be my best work ever.
i always put off meeting you because
i want to have the demos in my hand when i do.
but life is short.
and so...let's have coffee, k?
and send me off to make music.
oh, been talking to ingrid chavez
again,too.
everything seems to be coming into a full circle right now.
so i thought it would be beneficial and appropriate for us to meet and have a chat over a beverage.
it's not the same emailing you....
cheers,
R the voog
please tell vicki hi and i miss her
too, very very much.
she is such a genuine loving person. i miss her spirit in my life.
---
nov 8, 2006 3:15pm
M and i have made it through to a
new level. i love him and trust him all the more. he is honest and genuine
with me.last night we made love again, and he went down on me, which is rare
, but he's so darn good at it, i wish he would do it more often. i was in
bliss.
i was on the verge of coming for so long. i don't know why i couldn't.
obviously, i am still working on
giving myself permission to come ,
it never was this way before., i remember when i didn't have anything of this
in me and when i came it was just the colour pink.
and that was all to it. i loved the feeling and would feel warm and see the
colour pink or pinkish orange.
now i have all these bizarre scenarios in my head that i have to conjur up just to get to the point where i might be able to come.
it's totally disconnection. dissasociation...i have to disconnect from my body and watch me come or be THEM watching me come in order to come.
god, it's truly weird.
i hope i can make it through this bullshit in one piece. i want this crap out of me.
but ya, M's tongue on my pussy, god
it felt like the best thing in the world. the hotness of his mouth, his tongue
so warm, wet, me inside his mouth. i god, i wanted to explode into his mouth
like explodes into me.
i want that more than anything in the world.
i hope just by typing this out i
can heal and just be myself when i come.
not be ashamed by it. not be a man when i do it. it seems i either have to
be a liitle girl total not having control or i have to pretend i am a man
jacking off to porn and fucking some unknown pussy to get off. it's the only
thing i know.
i've been conditioned this way.
i hate it.
i want to make it through this.
i am so damaged.
please, god, let me heal.
5:54pm
today, for the fuck of it, i went
looking for porn to jack off to because i just wanted to see if it would make
a difference and turn me on. it was ok. it didn't make my orgasms and better
or worse. it was just sort of "there" and i felt disconnected from
it, even tho i really wanted to feel it as tho a man would feel it, i just
could not.
it was just a picture on the screen and the things i see in my head are far
beter (or maybe worse, i don't know). i tried the whole barely legal thing,
asian teen thing, and big muscley guy fucking a "MILF". it just
didn't do much for me.
in fact it really did nothing. i don't know if i should tell m about this
or not.
since our intentions are so different in looking at porn, do i really owe
it to him to tell him? i suppose i do. ridiculous really, because all i was
trying to do is empathize.
i kind of wish i hadn't done it because now i just feel icky all over. not
because of what i did but because i understand it even less now.
i didn't try really hard to find something that would turn my crank, i just did it as fast as possible. i don't think i could ever find anything that turned my crank so much i'd gave to actually masturbate to it, although i enjoy beauty and sensuality.
it doesn't make me tingle in that
sexual way that makes me want to hump my monitor. only M makes me feel that
way. it has to be the whole thing, the smell, the eyes, the desire that they
want me and i want them back, i have to feel their energy, and touch their
skin, and look into their eyes.
it's rare, but i have found it in M.
not much turns me on these days but he sure does, in the biggest way ever.
now i just feel kind of sick and
grossed out.
what a terrible use of my sexual energy...trying to come to some really really
lame ass photo of nothingness when i could have just masturbated and thought
of light shooting out the top og my head or healing the planet, or sending
that energy to M or using it to heal my heart, or just plain coming for me
period.
i actually feel totally drained from the experience and rather depressed.
it was all so shallow and draining. i never want to do that again.
i feel sick.
i really really do.
i wish i had never tried to jack
off to porn.
it really makes me ill.
----
i just made myself come. it was a very sad orgasm, one from which came a painful
scream like a wounded animal and even surprised me.
i just looked at the moon while i did it. it looks almost full, or maybe it
was full just the other day.
and then i cried. i cried to release the tension and fear in me.
how i wish to melt into you. how i want you so much to make me come.
i cry at my lonely orgasm staring at the moon.
do you see the moon, too?
i'm trying to take care of myself so that i am less work when you get home.
ha :)
that is a sorry thing to say, i know.
but what else can i do?
i feel such guilt and shame and fear from all sides.
why can't i just let it go?
it's like a virus in my cells.
i don't know where i am. at least i know who.
you have healed me soooo much.
i'm sorry to say there are so many layers to my onion.
i wish to be not so many layers.
you make my heart whirl and whirl
it's true
you do
----
i want to crawl inside your pocket.
i want to be your lover...you love...your mate...maybe someday your wife if
you'll have ME.
i want a garden with you, i want to make you french toast.
i hope you liked the ginger snaps.
i want to get dressed into the rubber dress right now and have you fuck me
blind.
fuck some sense into me
ground me with your amazing cock
i want to feel the light coming through my head from my spine
i want YOU inside of ME.
i love your spirit, i love your body, i love your mind, i love YOU
the hours go by like days....
i'm sure i'll be fine in a minute. i hope.
i just needed to get that out.
i need to tell you everything
i need everything out in the open just as you yearned for complete honesty
in your writings...
here it is...
here i am
i love you
7:25pm
i'm still all confused by this porn
thing.
i wish i could erase the images out of my mind that i tried to masturbate
to.
it was more like i came depite that those photos were than because they were.
i can't wrap my head around it. i just can't.
i try to wrap my head arund everything and see all points of view.
i can't see them all. maybe it's better that way. i don't know.
i've tried to get my head around serial killers, rapists, pedophiles, people
who torture animals, the people who make fun of me or are mean to me...president
bush, colin powell, saddam hussein...my dad, my mom, my brother, all my boyfriends.
i try really hard to empathize with it and to understand it so i can be compassionate.
how is jacking off to porn NOT a big deal or a threat? i cannot see it.
i just cannot and it drives me nuts.
add to the fact that i MAKE photos
people jack off to, and does that just make me a hypocrite or does that just
make me ME? what i am doing and why?
just what the fuck.
i dunno.
i mean it's kind of a if you can't beat them join them attitude in a way,
i have.
no matter what i do, i can never change this about men or people.
sometimes i hate the internet and
wish it never existed.
more people are addicted to porn more than ever before.
it's hurting people more than helping , i think.
am i part of the problem or part of the solution or neither?
it would seem to me that i am NOT part of the problem because the problem lies with the person who masturbates to porn and shuts out real love in his or her life.
i'm not FORCING anyone to masturbate to me. i don't force it on anyone.
and i can look at erotic photography all day and just enjoy it for it's beauty and composition without ever getting turned on at all.
it's the same to me as looking at a nice bowl of fruit or a sunset.
and somehow i feel like something is wrong with ME that i cannot and do not get turned on by seeing any pornographic or erotic images.
why is that?
am i missing out on something great?
maybe it's the decor in porn that
ruins it for me?
they always seem to be doing it in some godawful room with terrible lighting.
still even if they were doing it on a leather couch and it was done well,
i don;t think it would turn me on. i would just go, wow, that's really fascinating
looking and i would save the image.
like fashion photography.
i don't see myself as fucking the
woman, i see myself as being the woman.
so the only way i can see myself fucking her is if i pretend i am a man.
and that takes a lot of energy.
why do guys get hard ons in the morning?
m says it's not even a sexual feeling,
but it seems to me it would have to be.
but who am i to say? i am not a guy.
but i do know i lot of them wank of in the morning because they have a huge
boner.
i just can't come to grips with it and sometimes i feel i'd be better off going out with a woman so i wouldn't have to deal with these issues.
but i do love m and his masculine
energy and smell and i do love the feel of his hard cock inside of me.
a dildo cannot compare even in the least.
and even the hitachi now cannot compare to his mouth, even tho hitachi makes me come, his mouth is so much more satisfying...the exchange of energy...even if i do not come.
i came 5 times today
and the only reason i came 5 times is because he put so much sexual energy into me yesterday i had to let it out.
and that fucking wanker dave navarro never returns a damn email or call i send him. fucker.
and that guy peter i was trying to
be friends with who told me out of the blue that he shaved off all his pubic
hair "for me" and i emailed him and told me that made me feel uncomfortable
and he says NOTHING back to me.
COWARD.
and that pseudo black guy, frank,
i just ran into at the little store and he's all stoned and seemed to have
no rememberance of me getting the fuck out of his house because he scared
me and aggravated me times infinity. telling me he wants to show me his art
and then trying to kiss me. fuck that shit.
big stoner liar fuck ass. saying shit like, you know i'm not a liar...something
to do with him being in somme frickin play i don't care to see. i can't even
remember the conversation now because i just blocked it out. and i'm like
you bullshitting playah freak shut the fuck up now. i'm going to go make some
chicken soup and watch lost.
trying to invite himself up and get
me stoned even tho i tell him my boyfriend is coming home any minute.
retarded selective memory playah fuck.
i am so sick of humanity right now i could puke.
men scare me.
they do.
m is the only one who has scared me the least. he actually makes me feel safe somehow.
i don't want to be in this mood when
m gets home.
i want to make him happy like the perfect little wifey and make him come so
hard he forgets who he even is.
i want him to come so hard it blows every memory of anyone else out of his
mind and body.
i want him to KNOW me..
and fuck i need to call my dad right
now to see if he can take me to the doctor's tomorrow. fuck.
i sent him an email but realize now he doesn't check it that often.
and i ruined a perfectly good soup. so c'est la vie.
i wish i had never ever ever tried
to come to that SHITTY ass porn. it ruined my motherfucking day. i was fine
until that happened.
i feel ridiculous.
those stupid fucking images echoing through my mind.
and i don't want to tell m because i just want to drop it
i just want to make chicken soup and watch lost and snuggle with my lover and have everything be fine , make chicken soup and moosh the puppies.
fucking a. why do things have to be so complicated?
---
so he came, took a shower, and when he left i made myself come with my fingers
and made cam images for him (but shut the cam to the public to they would
be saved to my computer but no one could see them)
i made a collage from it.
i hope he likes it.
i wonder if it did it out of fear or out of that i just wanted to do it.
i did want to come. badly.
and fuck i shaved my pussy which only lasts a day.
so i guess i kind of made close up photos of me masturbating because i didn't want to waste a good shave, and also i wanted to come.
also it is a turn on to watch myself come.
but i'm not all that thrilled with
the photos.
they're ok.
came twice, fell asleep for the rest
of the afternoon.
kind of in and out of consciousness. nervous dreams. insecure dreams.
i emailed that jackass, peter, if
he got my email and got nothing back.
jackass.
---
i've dreamed up a sweater i want
to make for M, but now that i have thought of it i want it for myself :)
i will have to wear it , too.
i'll have to go to 3 kittens, i think, to get the yarn, i have to feel it
and see the colour.
my fave kidmohair.silk yarn does not come in the colours i need (dark dark grey)
i guess i could make it black but i want it grey to match his eyes.
i'm excited that he would be interested in wearing such an avant garde outfit.
it's the only thing of clothing i have actually not just made up in my mind as i went along. i could sketch it out.
it should be relatively simple but
it will take a very long time to make it.
i must finish my bedspread 1st. i haven't worked on that in so long.
---
going to the skrink was fine. my
dad was nice.
she diagnosed me as having post traumatic stress syndrome which i already
knew about.
she switched me from xanax to valium, mother's little helper.
i can't afford to get any of the meds yet.
also i will take 40mg of prozac instead of 20 mg now.
then she will slowly wean me of valium.
good luck.
i'm listening to joanna newsom.
love it.
new music :)
i'm traumatized plain and sinple and just want to numb out to pretty music, bubblebaths and sex.
i need to fucking chill. i know M is going to come home all moody because it's in his horoscope today.
i have to be the balance or things will topple.
i can do that.
i'm so good at shutting down my moods
and needs to accomodate others.
my forte.
my dad was so kind to me about helping me out bringing me to the doctor and paying for it.
but then...we stopped at burger king for some cheeseburgers and i could not eat my small fries.
some old black guy in a navy blue
nylon coat at a heavy intersection in a bad area of town with his sad little
pathetic sign asking for a few bucks and god bless, in 40 degree weather.
i wanted to give him my fries, but my dad was angry about this and would not
let me.
it's fucking fries for god's sake. and i'm full.
how is giving some guy some french fries enabling anything?
he begins to snootily list off how he gave 120 bucks to this religious charity and that religious charity and this is the guy's choice and if he really wanted to, he could go to one of these charities and get his life in order.
how fucking myopic.
i try to explain to my dad that things
are not that simple and that not all homeless people are "lazy"
i mean, how on earth can standing at an intersection in cold weather for hours
on end for a buck even be considered lazy???
at my visit with my dad he admitted
to me that he realized he was a snob.
i had never seen that side of him, but i sure as hell did that day.
i was just...flabberghasted.
but i shut up because he had taken me to the doctor and paid for it and bought
me a cheeseburger and this was obviously not something we were going to come
to terms with in his aggravated state in a car.
i'm still procesing that.
what the fuck is this about...all homeless are lazy??
why so BLIND?
and him a christian and a retired
minister.
you think writing a cheque to charity makes you absolved?
how about looking the guy in the eye and touching him and knowing it?
scared, much?
ya, writing a cheque is so easy,
isn;t it?
money solves everything.
you can sit in your comfy condo,
even tho you con yourself into thinking your're humble because you've been
eating off the same dishes since 1975, all cracked and chipped. and you give
cheques to this or that.
you are ...absolved from giving a guy a small fries from burger king?
what the fuck is up with that?
things don't add up.
he says to me the guy just doesn;t
want to go to such and such church for help because he is againist religion.
wha?
beggars can't be choosers.
he is clueless.
send him to detox or a shelter for
a week.
ya, feel that, live that.
then get back to me on how your cheques are doing so much good.
when they are mostly going to secretaries, rent for the place, and flyers
and blah blah blah blah. electricity to keep it going, phone lines...everything.
it was SMALL FRIES FROM BURGER KING!
jesus christ.
"what you do to the least of my brethen, you do unto me"
"Judge not, that you be not judged. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"
he's been such a martyr, to himself,
and now i guess his pendulum needs to swing in the unbalanced place where
almost is violently opposed to giving some cold black poor guy a small fries
from burger king.
i understand. but it's frustrating.
i don't know how or whether or not to bring this issue up with him at all.
he is stubborn like me. he needs to do things at his own time but at the same time he needs to be shot with the point of view gun from hitchhiker's.
fucking geminis.
12:02pm 11/11/2006
M went to work. i konked out about 1 or 2am and i think he stayd up again
until 6am playing civilization game.
it crackes me up the name is called
that.
we all play civilization, really.
i don't even know what civilization means exactly. it's so subjective.
i need to make passwords for people
in ana2. i need to send off packages.
will i gte those done today?
i do have some money to do that now. about $200 bucks.
some people are getting pissed at
me, rightly so.
i don't know what my deal is.
it's not hard work.
i'm wearing a big black robe that M got from his friend ben. i love to wear it. it is so comfy.
i'm going to go read the news now. took my 40 mg of prozac.
i need to get the cheque from my
dad to an atm. maybe i'll just go to the bank on monday. i nee the walk.
my toe has stopped hurting but it's still black. it itches a bit now and then.
i'm not as puffed out today, which is a relief.
i guess i will also archive the last
anagram and then put up a new one.
go through the pix of last night and this morning.
my daily routine.
---
i don't know if am going to meeet
this 50,000 word goal for this nano thing.
i hope i do.
i know that it's supposed to be about a novel and a novel is supposed to be
fiction. oh well. i'll use it for my purposes.
it's all sunny out and 34 degrees.
i ate some cheese and bread.
maybe i'll go to the little store later and get more meat for the soup.
in political news i don't feel any
safer now that the democrats are more involved in politics since the last
election.
out with the old boss, in with the new.
it's just a game of good cop/bad cop imo.
i don't see any changes.
i wonder if i should go and take
a walk in my fur coat, since it is so cold.
i miss my walks.
i miss listening to music and my walks.
there are a milion things i could say right but i don't have the energy.
i'm getting used to m being in my house and living with me.
i love him with all my heart and
it's his spirit and soul i love (well i do adore his body, too...it smells
so good, so soft, seriously it drives me wild,
he looks very different than when i 1st met him. he had shorter hair and looked
very beatles.
no beard. sexy as hell.
now he has long hippy hair and a really nice short beard and i find that sexy, too.
he can pretty much work anything because he is so goddamn gorgeous.
i hope he buys another pair of boots because boots turn me on.
i like people who pay attention to
what turns me on.
i fucking pay attention. and i can tell you my thigh high 6"stilletto
vinyl boots i can't even WALK in. but i wear them for him because they are
sexy and i want to turn him on.
the pumpkin remains uncarved.
i have so many photos to take but
i am not used to my new nikon 5700.
so far i have been too lazy to figure it out.
but i need to bite the bullet and do it.
people email about projects i could
be involved with. a new crochet book by plucky fluff.
i am lost as to what to give to it.
both sexworkers' art show and tecknikunst have blown me off although i did respond to both of them with some extremely wonderful ideas.
their loss.
they just don't want to deal with
the internet problems.
how very "future"
i am fucking ahead of my time and yet everythig feels archaic.
i'd like to stop anacam when i reach the 10th year.
but then what?
i'd still want a site but it would be very pared down, minimal. the "best of"
i don't feel like spilling my guts to the world anymore.
i feel like taking down all ways
to get in touch with me.
i'm sick of spam.
i spend so much time deleting spam it's insane.
and my space. wtf is up with that?
it takes 5 to 10 minutes out of my day just to deal with that and i don't
even do anything there.
yet still, if it weren't for myspace ingrid chavez and i would not have made contact again.
so i keep it up.
i need to reinvent anacam.
or improve it.
or make it more...something that i am now.
it doesn't really resprent where i am now.
but what does it matter.
---
so jackass dude, peter.
i finally had enough wondering and called him on the phone.
he said he was mortified by my email. i'd like to hear more about this mortification.
he didn't know what to say.
they never do.
coward.
i will keep my distance from now on.
he said, you never answer your phone.
he knows this already.
i said you could write me an email.
i mean, how much energy does that take?
gosh...typing...how inconvenient.
you scared to se your words on "paper"?
wimp.
communication skills people.
it's not rocket science. although i've determined maybe rocket science is
easier.
men and their egos.
so blind.
so unware.
so callous because they are paralyzed.
i call u on your shit and you think
you are a saint.
it jams your system.
learn how to deal and wake up.
DO THE WORK.
it's not pretty or easy.
but fuck that.
so it.
it's necessary unless you want to live your life 1/2 alive.
it's gotten all cloudy.
sad.
i need sun.
nov 12. 2006 5:19am
m is sleeping. we had a good talk.
i love him.
nov 16. 1:21pm
well, i better wrote some words in
here!
haven't been writing much since sebastian hsa been very ill.
he threw up this thing that looks like a black pod from space. so far it has
mystified everyone.
at 5pm jason comes over for dread
maintenance.
not really looking forward to it but i get in the swing of things eventually.
he wants to see the puppies.
good thing M washed and scrubbed
and santized the kicthen and hallways last night.
then played more of this "game" called civilization. he is positively
hooked.
he can't stop playing it. he was still up at 4:30am when i woke up and said
go to bed!
dang.
i'm listening to the free radio station at young god records.
talked to my mom on the phone last night for a super long time. it felt like the old days and felt really good.
there is so much i need to do today, like go to the bank with the $300 cheque she gave me for sebastian's emergency room visit,
i'm paranoid my phone or electric
is going to get cut off any sec, although i have weirdly received no disconnection
notices, to my knowledge
====
jason saw the sold out show of amy sedaris last night. and of course it kind of rubbed it in that i cannot afford to go to anything like that anymore.
7:33pm nov 18, 2006
good grief i am so behind in this.
sebastian has been sick and so all my time is taken up with him
poor little muffin.
i am so worried.
i'm looking for old "analects" especially the one called 'the perfect housewife.
i can't find it!
bummer!
but i did find old analects.
nov 18, 2006 2:05pm
m is cranky. i don't know why.
while he was asleep i went to the farmer's market and the little store and got things to make chicken soup. although tonight will be baked chicken.
maybe by night he will come around after chicken.
people say they want adventure, but when it comes right down to it, most of them woose out about it.
i'm glad i made myself come yesterday or i'd be going insane.
i was proud of myself for getting up and getting food today.
i should probably go stick the chicken in the oven now.
and i gave sebastian his medicine and force feed him baby food through the syringe.
i need my medication and i hope i can get it on monday.
i've gained 4 pounds and need to get off my ass and dance.
this is one of the problems with livig with someone is that i do not feel i can blast my dance music and jiggle my fat while he reads.
fucking a,
nov 21, 2006 12:55pm
i had to go to walkgreen's yesterday
to get my meds. i was barely falling over asleep so it took every effort to
get there. on the way i stopped at peter's work. he said i could see where
he works. the receptionist could NOT stop staring and almost giggling at me
as if i were some sort of ridiculous side show freak. i can't believe grown
people cannot contain their emotions enough to not make people feel like a
freak. i didn't care, i was amused. i'm used to it. she is the one who is
a freak.
still i felt like i had gone back in time to 1980.
i've noticed that sinced i shaved the sides of my head i have become more
invisible to people.
no one will look me in the eye like i am dangerous.
black guys who would normally be all over me just look away.
it's a big no-no for a woman to shave her head in any way.
it was interesting how just getting rid of a few dreads on the side of my
head changed peopel's perception by 180. i was no longer the hippy but the
punk. i was dangerous.
then i went to the bank and even
the guy who usually is very interested in me was feeling a bit uncomfortable.
then i went to the drugstore. the only woman on my wavelength had these boots
with kitty cats on them.
we nodded in agreement at each other.
while i waited for my prescriptions
i was tempted to go into to great water or whatever it's called and see if
they had made that beer called the acopcalypse. they didn't.
3 guys that work for "ethanol" were talking about their job, i couldn't
help but butt into the converstion, aries that i am.
one was a real asshole and totally against saving the whales and blah blah
blah. he was from south africa then london, now canada. he is a cancer. i
had a hard time getting that out of him as he thought i was going to use that
against him with mumbo jumo. he was completely disconnected from reality and
thought everything was fine he was in love with himself and how much money
he made doing "good" with renewable energy.
the other two men weere much more open to what i had to say. the global warming,
the corn not growing so high anymore. the old time farming. he couldn't relate.
he hasn't lived here like i have for 40 years.
i hate pompous assholes but in the end i just said "thanks for puting
up with me , i just like to learn new things, and i know i am a handful"
and i said "cheers" and we clicked glasses.
the other two guys were much more nice and interested in what i had to say because they had lived here and had families that were farmer's too.
then they left and a hyper young guy came in. we were both 40. we talked about our love of movies and that was about it.
then he left and i left.
i got home and my soup was on the
stove, overcooked.
i put it in the fridge . it's still good.
i ran into "shorts man"
who i had pegged as either a serial killer or a pedophile. he wears khaki
shorts all year round. this question has been burning in my mind for 5 years!
i know i was probably the equivelent of some gawking person, but i had the
gall to ask him, why do you wear shorts all year round? and apologized for
my out of the blue bizarre question.
he said it was because he was from arizona and so it was just comfortable
for him.
against my judgement i asked if i
could see his apt because i just had to suss out this guy. if he was a serial
killer he wasn't going to kill me then. serial killers like to plan ahead.
so i felt i was realtivaly safe. but who knows.
he had some really nasty nature art prints on his wall.
nothing in his apartment suggested anything about him.
it was like he was devoid of a personality.
lost.
and this is so.
he said he used to feel fine and happy and have a purpose but then he went
to the dentist 5 years ago and after that everything changed.
so weird.
i gave him a bowl of chicken soup.
i don't know if he ate it or just pretended to it but i got the bowl back
all clean.
he is very meticulous and lost.
he wanted to know more about me but i was very vague and never told him my last name or anything about my website.
i hope this was not a bad thing to do and i hope he will not pester me now. he seems very needy but trying not to seem so.
i wrote a letter to matt on notepad saying where i was.
this morning he was all lovey dovey
with me again. holding me close and kissing me goodbye and tell me he loved
me.
i love M :)
then i talked to my dad and got that
all straight.
we'll get there at 1pm.
he is making a turkey!
we'll bring the pumpkin pie :)
i asked him if mom had asked him
over for xmas.
and she hadn't yet.
he is reluctant because he doesn't want to bug her husband.
i want xmas with my mom and dad and
brother!
a family xmas!
the 1st since a million years ago!
i hope it happens!
i just need the $300cheque from my mom to clear.
i paid electric and phone today which was due to be disconnected. now i have $68 in the bank. woo hoo.
it's sunny and 52 and i should get out for a walk, not only for my soul but i'm getting fat again.
why am i in such an escapist mode?
i feel like a woose.
nov. 22, 2006 2:28pm
my avocado seed is not sprouting. sad.
last nigth M and i made love for the 1st time in like 2 or 4 days.
anyway, last night we made a connection
again and i felt him there with me and i needed that.
he started out so sweetly kissing my foot and then up my leg and thigh and
then to my pussy and he teased me wonderfully
today i was going to wash sebastian so i could take him to my dad's for thanksgiving tomorrow. but i'm just not in the mood. i think i'll leave all the dogs behind. i'm not in the mood to deal with it.
also i was going to go to the drugstore
and get my meds but i still have xanax so maybe i'll just wait until friday.
i haven't had prozac or amitryptine for a week. and i can feel myself kind
of on edge about it. but prozac gives me the runs and makes me not hungry
and i don't want to deal with that tomorrow because it's thanksgiving.
i have pms, too.
last month i got my period around the 24th.
i hope i don't get it at my dad's, the really painful kind where i have to
take the vicodin and i feel like my insides are being sucked out.
it'll be interesting (if you could call it interesting) to see if i get a migraine during my period since i haven't been taking any amitriptyline.
i'm drinking tea with caffeine in
it.
i haven't had caffeine in forever. not even a coke , really.
i feel stuck in a rut. every day
i do the same shit. clean, laundry, dishes, take care of sebastian, archive
the old anagram, make the new anagram, sort through pictures, cook, take out
trash, take a bath, fuck with my hair. do the batches.
blah blah blah.
watch csi.
tonight is a 2 hour special of madonna doing her show. i am looking forward to it. i've never seen her live so i am excited to see SOMETHING.
grrrr. i had no idea i was in such
a bad mood. well, i guess i did.
i woke up today just feeling completely unexcited about life and stuck in
a rut. like god , another day.
even having an orgasm seems like a fucking chore
but i know i need to have one to keep my energy flowing.
god i am irritated at everything.
and i need to take better care of
my body.
i need to dance and stretch. i'm turning into a bowl of mush.
and that kind be good for my soul or spirit or emotions.
maybe today i will scrub the tub. yay.
3:30pm
i'm just going to keep cleaning until
i am exhausted.
i need to get this fucking energy out of me.
4:13pm
still cleaning. grrrr. aggression.
-----
happy things:
i wrote this 1 day before my arrest:
my next birthday
i think i will have a party for my next birthday and the theme will be "gay
pirate"
everyone must come dressed as a gay pirate.
i will think on this....
everyone must wear eyeliner and say "yaaaaarrrr..." and smack each
other's booties with their guns or swords :)
yes, i think this would be good.
i will make a couldron of some sort of spicy seafood stew.
everyone must kiss someone of the same sex and i will take a polaroid of it and tack it to my wall as a collage.
i wonder where i should have it.
i wonder if i could find someone with a big ass boat?
there has to be SOMEONE with a huge boat somewhere that will let me use it.
maybe i should have it on lake superior in duluth.
that's a pretty piratey place. and it would still be cold enough up there
to where pirate hats and such.
----
it's a grey day. i still haven't
written about thankgiving at my dad's.
M was so nervous to meet him. but after we arrived (and brought sebastian
with) M was put to ease. we were a little late, getting there at 2pm. i thought
dinner would be at 5pm or so but my dad had everything to go right then and
there. i tookk sebastian down to the river right behind my dad's house where
he did he "duty" thank goodness so that he would not do it in my
dad's house. sebastian was very subdued and not himself.
my dad made all the work's. turkey, gravy, i got to show M what riced potatoes
are! and it was still the old ricer from my childhood, all bent, paint peeling
off. nostalgia.
we had sweet potatoes with brown
sugar and marshmallows. my dad even made jello lutheran style :)
there were a bunch of blessing in the paper and so my dad asked me from which
culture did i want the blessing and i said "tibetan" and indeed
it was a good blessing.
we had stuffing,we bought the pumpkin pie. cranberry sauce, rolls,
i can't think of what else. my dad insisted he be the only one to clean up.
i showed M dad's house. we borrowed a bunch of VHS movies from my dad.
we sat down and had a good discussion about movies, books, and such.
m and my dad had a lot in common. it was kind of freaky, especially since
matt has grown his hair out and has a beard and freakily looks just like my
dad when my dad was his age. my dad even remarked on that, that he looked
like jesus. and i'm like god, i'm dating my dad.
matt was so happy that my dad and he got along so well because he said all other dad's have disliked him extremely and usually do not even speak to him. so he was elated.
we made our way home in the dark. at one time i had to get out and read the directions from his headlights because there is no light in his car.
we came home and made love 2 times.
one time before we watched elizabeth taylor in "cleopatra" and he
had the weirdest orgasm which was almost non existent! this had never happened
before. he liked it to watching a really great movie and then at the and you
go wha? that's the end?
so we knew we had to have a sequel.
in the intermission of cleopatra we had sex on the side, him from behind. that was explosive and transcendental! if i am pregnant i know that is the one that did it. i could feel the life force reaching into my core, switling like a perfect circled vortex.
i am so glad for this sex because it was the only thing that sustained me in prison, having his energy in me like that. i held on to it and held on to it inside of me.
then we ate more thankgiving leftovers and the most delicious pineapple i have ever had. it was a completely indulgent day and evening.
in the morning we made love again. we tried to do it in the shower but couldn't figure out how.
then he had to rush to work and i psyched myself up to go to walgreens,feeling all buzzy.
all was good, who knew the day would
end on such a nightmarish note.
i was in SUCH a good mood.
i was so happy. i should have just gone home to bed like i had planned.
but no, i was in a jovial mood and wanted fried rice.
everything went to hell then.
i'm so glad my mom and dad do not know i was in jail. i am so unhappy that jason knows, but what can you do. joba.
i wonder what court will be like and if they will appoint me a lawyer and what happens if i plead not guilty? can i do that?
i need to get all the evidence i
can that i did nothing wrong because i do not need this on my record.
if i have that i was arrested on my record will i be able to get a passport?
will i ever be able to buy a gun again?
what if i want to ever look for a job?
how will this effect my life?
i have to get out of this.
i did nothing wrong except say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the
wrong time, as far as i can see. even tho i said nothign vile or unloving.
i don't know what i will do the rest
of this day.
i guess do the batches, i am behind.
clean more, do laundry. do the usual.
which i am glad to do today because i am just so glad to be home at all.
i wonder when my court date will
be?
dyas, weeks, months from now?
my whole body is so sore even ore than before because i was shaking so much it feels as if i did a ton of sit ups. the lower part of my spine feels like there is a bruise on it, probably from laying on cement and hard mats.
i'd like a massage but i;m just too sore.
matt can't help but keep touching
me all in the wrong spots.
i need to touch but cannot be touched. it's just awful.
because one of my dreads fell out in the back, i took a bunch more dreads out because everything was uneven again. i made on dreads very long, tyoing all the dreads together. not i can take that long one and pull it to the top of my head and wrap my hair with it so i do not need to use a rubber band again. this is cool.
i also cut matt's hair last night
after he shaved the sides of my head where i cut more dreds out. i cut just
this bottom layer that looked weird. i did it really fast and i did a totally
great job. it was my 1st haircut i have every given anyone, and i'm so proud
i did such a good job.
and matt says it is the most satisfactory haircut he has ever had.
his hair looks a bit like sawyer's hair on the show Lost now.
my hair looks like i should be the
lead singer of fishbone.
i can't wait until the sides grwo 2 inches and then i can get synth dreads
put in. i'll put in brown ones so it's brown underneat and blonde real ones
on the top. i thinkk that will look good.
i should probably start cleaning.
but part of me wants to go buy a pregnancy test. but maybe i just don;t have
it from the stress.
also, again, i reiterate, will anything even show up if the day i got pregnantwas
on thursday or friday?
i don't know....
if i am pregnant is my medication
hurting it?
was my stint in jail enough to fuck up the poor thing in me?
would i have it?
should i have it?
if i'm not pregnant and i bleed as
much as i did last month, i am saving all the blood this time and making a
painting of it.
thank god i have vicodin left.
and man, i just want to know how much blood i LOST last time. it seemed like
an ENORMOUS amount. for curiousity reasons at least i want to know how much
blood comes out of me!
maybe i can have it tested to see
if it is a miscarriage or not.
it sure seemed like one last time, i was in so much pain, laying on the ground
in a cold sweat. feeling like my insides were beinng vacuumed out of me.
*sigh*
---
ah! i have only 102 more words to write and i have made it to the 50,000 word mark for this nano writing thing! yay!
i know this is technically not a
novel but it really has helped to write in here things i cannot say aloud.
it has been very beneficial.
i don't know if i'll ever reach the bottom of it.
i feel like meat.
+++
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