today's anagram

november 27, 2006
past anagrams	menu	utb

11:48pm

fixed the broken links on the images.

since one of my dreads fell out in the back everything was off kilter and so i got rid of a bunch more and shaved my head more. and then to make sure no more dreads fall out, i rubberbanded many dreads together (by twos) into one in hopes they will fuse together and make them thicker so they will not fall out.
i'm NOT having any more fall out. nosirree.
i'll work on it more tomorrow, so instead of rubber bands i'll do string. i might sew some together ,too, to help them fuse.
i kept one dread on the side in the back and made it extremely long by typing many dreads i either cut out or fell out together. and now and i can take that one dread and wrap the whole thing around the pony tail at the top so i do not have to use a rubberband. but then i discovered i need to use a stick to hold that together or it loosens. it's all a work on progress.
in 4 months i hope the sides of my head will be long enough to get synth dreads put in, so then my hair will be back to being full again.

today was a nice normal day.
hurray for normal days.

4:54pm

IMAGES HERE

2:53pm

i did it!

it's not technically a novel, it's writings i needed to write about my life and what i am feeling and what i have gone through. things i don't feel i can say outloud, uncensored.
it was a good thing. i need to write more.
i will put some excerpts in here, but not all, as it is very personal.

---

my jail story:

nov 27, 2006 10:29pm

on the 24th around 6,7 or 8pm i was arrested at a restauraunt for reasons unfathomable to me. yes, i had just come from walgreens where i got my new medication. cost $169. fluoxetine, diazepam, and amitryptiline.

then i went home, and against my better judgement stopped into a bar for a drink before i wanted to go home and take a nap. i had been out of my prescriptions for days and i felt like my body was vibrating like a gong or like a cartoon when 2 cymbals crash into the body of a cartoon. i thought a shot a jag would make sleeping better.
but i knew the bartender,and he was in a happy and generous mood and gave me a double shot saying "oops, my hands slipped" *wink wink*.
he was like , do you want to keep a tab open, and i'm like no way this is enough for me! i will konk out for sure! i leisurely sipped the drink for almost an hour as he happily explained to me that he had made thanksgiving dinner all by himself the day before for 15 people and he proceeded to tell me all he made and how he made it. he was good company.

i was in a jovial mood because i had just had sex with M before he went to work and 2 times the day before, after we came home from my dad's thanksgiving.
the 2nd time was incredible as he entered me from behind i felt he was an arrow that went straight to my core. it was very intense, although i did not come, i felt the spiralling vortex of energy like how the magnetic stuff of the earth switls from the core and back in on itself like a torus. he was the pole and i was the earth. i gripped his black robe and buried my head in the drakness of it and took in this fantastic feeling and visuals that went with it. i saw things sparkling. it was incredible.
the feeling of him shooting of me like an arrow, his energy coming out of him so straight and pure. it made me tremble.

so i was vibrating like a gong from that, also from not sleeping well, and also because i had been out of my meds.

so, ya, i went to the bar. the bartender and i yapped and yapped. we talked about the joy of the language of smoking. recipes and being gay.

he got off work at 4pm and so i decided to leave and go home as planned.
i was definitely tipsy, but still completely aware of everything, not falling down, acting weird, or incapable of not holding a cohesive conversation.

again, against my better judgement i decided to go to the restaurant as a small detour before going home. i wanted to order fried rice, also talk to the owner and tell him sorry was not available for coffee the last few days as i had been busy and it was thanksgiving and if P was there, i was going to tell him that i didn't want to see him anymore.
in fact, i was also going to tell the owner that, too. because there is just no reason to see these men. P has pissed me off by lying to me and being a slime. and the owner, even tho i got him to finally agree to have coffee with me, it was only under the guise of secrecy because , as he said "what would people think? him being 61 and me being 40" he thought that his reputation would be in jeopardy over this. and to that i say fuck that. i don't want to have coffee with someone who is embarrassed to be seen with me in public. who needs it?

i've been fascinated with the owner for 9 years. a tall chinese man with long grey hair down his back. he looks very regal and like he has many stories to tell i would love to hear. but screw it if he thinks i would ruin his reputation by seeing me. fuck that shit. seriously.
i'm so over crap like that.

so i walk in and i sit down at the bar and immediately see this older man who i think i talked to beffore in that place. i happily say hello and ask him how he is and we just chit chat. a younger person is sitting by him, he introduces him as his son.

and i say who, that's your son, how cool!

fortunately or unfortunately i have some sort of psychic knack for picking things up about people that there is no way i could know.
and especially if i am tipsy i can pick it up even more probably because my walls are down.

i've said things to people that astounded them. it's usually some secret part of them that they do not show anyone else. some sort of pain.
i've walked up to total strangers in bars and told them that they were going to be ok and they would cry because they were so relieved.
i told another guy at a bar that he is not who he seems to be, and that he is someone completely different than what he shows. and he nodded in agreement.
i told another guy in a bar that he was on the verge of snapping and doing something terriblly violent and that if he did not release his anger in a healthy way, he was about to do something terrible and have an utter breakdown. and he said "you can see this?" and he was astounded.

i've told women to have more self esteem and that they were beautiful people and did not need the approval of the person sitting next to them. they were fine as they are. and they would cry and nod in agreement.

so this time...i picked up that the son desperately needed his father's love and approval. that he had never gotten this from his dad and he was starving for it.
i told this to both the father and the son and the son nodded in tearful agreement and the dad dimissed both me and his son with a wave of his hand. a look of total disinterest which only furtherly hurt his son. i tried in the most pleasant way to show the dad that it would not be hard to just hug his son, just small things like that. that it isn't hard and there is nothing to fear in it. and i hugged his son, and i felt his son needed that hug like a man in the desert needed water. i said . see? it's not hard, you can do this! it's not hard at all! and everything was very diplomatic, loving and caring coming from me. no condesension or judgement. i was just trying to show him love101 and that it was not hard.

the father was dismissive and uninterested. he got up to go pee.

things then are a little blurry because things got nonsensical because of the cops. i think i just talked to the son more. everything was pleasant. i forgot to order fried rice. and i did not even order a drink, either. maybe that is part of the problem is that i was not a paying customer yet?

the next thing i know 4 to 5 cops are there telling me i have to leave.
i'm not about to argue this even tho i don't know why i am being asked to leave. but you just do not argue with that many cops. or even one cop.

i tell them fine, and i say i only live a few blocks away.
they must have told me i was under arrest at this point, but they did not tell me why or read me my rights. i said, look i only live a few blocks away, can i just check on my dogs?

they put one handcuff on me and walk me back to my apartment and we arrived at my apartment and i gave one of the cops my keys and one went in to my house for a few seconds and said "your dogs are ok" and then told me i had to go to jail. i was in disbelief. i could hear my dogs barking on the other side and it broke my heart. here i was right at the door of my apartment!
and i pleaded with them, why can i not just go inside and go home? i am right here at home? please let me go and let me go home, i am right here!
i beg for mercy and plead and cry and become a bit hysterical. as anyone would. if you heard your babies crying on the other side of your door and you were right outside of your house and you didn't even know waht you did that was wrong would you not become a bit flipped out?

i might have struggled then for the door, which they took as a threat, although i am only 5'2"and have no strength at all.
the shortest cop, with an obvious chip on his shoulder and sadistic streak said "THAT'S IT!" and he handcuuffed both my hands behind my back as TIGHT as was possible and then proceeded to drag me down my hallway by my wrists, i could not even walk.
i screamed "please please please, you're hurting me!"
i still cannot feel my thumbs and my little finger on my right hand. i have nerve damage. i had bruises all around my wrists. i'm surprised my wrists were not dislocated.
i was humliatingly dragged through the lobby of my building crying my eyes out. i could not get any balance because of how fast they were dragging me, and they threw me head 1st into the back seat of the squad car and then kicked the rest of of me in , not even giving me enough time to scramble out of the way of the door about to be slammed on me.

i cried and cried and cried. i was bewildered and confused.
this only seemed to irritate them more as they must see crying as weakness and they were wolves that wanted to kill the weak.

i was brought into jail and thrown into solitary confinement. a cold white cement room with a very bright light and a toilet. i had to take off all my jewelry and scarf and give it to them. give them my ID. anything i had on me.

the room was freezing. i mean FREEZING. there was a small window i could look into the lobby. i was shaking all over like a person with parkinson's. or a toy poodle left in a snow bank. .if anyone would walk by i would try and pound on the door and get their attention, tears streaming down my cheeks like niagra falls. i asked if i could have a blanket to which i was greeted with a smirk and then they shut the little window so i could see nothing.

i started to flip out and become completely claustrophobic.
i was shaking like a leaf and crying uncontrollablly. rage was building in me at the injustice of this situation. the inhumane nature. the torture.
what HAD i DONE wrong?

i began beating on the door with my hands and feet with all my might screaming that i was going to sue them all and that i demanded to see a nurse or a doctor because i believed i was pregnant and i was afraid the stress of this situation was going to cause me to have a miscarriage.

i am still very late with my period and i do wonder if i am pregnant.
last month i got my period on the 23rd and it was 5 days late. now it is the 27th and i still have not got it. if i do not get it by the end of this month i will but a pregnancy test.

i actually want to buy one today....but will it show up after only a few days of being pregnant?

so i scream and pound and tell them that if i have a miscarriage with my firstborn child i am going to sue each and every one of their asses from here to kingdom come.

they finally let me out. i am given 2 pieces of paper with codes on them.
i can make 6 phone calls but i do not know anyone's number. there are no white pages. i cannot call 411. i try to call matthew's work, but each time there is no dial tone, or things just make weird blipping noises. you have to enter the codes extremely fast or you have to start over again.
my hands are trenbling so much i can hardly dial. let alone dial that quickly. i have to press a bunch of numbers in the beginning and then the phone number and then this 5 or 6 digit number really fast. i cannot get through to anyone. i don't know if i am dialing wrong or the phones are not working. no one will help me. i walk up to the counter to ask if i could send an email and all the cops who arrrested me are up there talking with nothing to do, and they won't even talk to me. or answer any of my questions. all they tell me to do is say to me "shut up!" and laugh, and then the short guy says "i dont even want to see her face"
they make me sit at the very far end of the lobby in the last chair furthest from them even tho many chairs are open. they do this just to humiliate me.

in total fear mode, like a cornered animal, i decide to try to escape from this place since i know i am just feet away from the outside world and i am still wearing my shoes.
i scan each door and see who is going in and out of each one.
i discern which is the door to the outside world, and when a sheriff goes through the door i slip through the opening. unfortunately the sheriff is still there and says "can i help you?" and i say "yes!"
i scan like an animal for a stairwell. i jump into the elevator and press all the buttons, but before i can even make a move the 5 cops are on me again, i don't know how, they must have been surveillance cameras.
and they say "THAT'S IT, YOU"RE HERE UNTIL MONDAY!"
and they forcibly drag my back into the cold cement room, make me take off my boots, and shut me in there for god only knows how many hours.
i cry and cry and cry. i huddle on the floor in a fetus position trying to keep warm but i cannot. i'm shaking all over and i think, if there is a hell, this is it.

finally i take the roll of toilet paper in there an i wrap it around me neck like a scarf. and i wrap some on my head, and i wrap some around my waist. and i try to make a little pillow, hamster style, and lay a few of the last sheets on the floor to make it less cold. i test every wall to see if one is less cold then the other but they are all cold.

so i get into a fetal position by the door but my back not touching the door because the door is too cold to touch.

the toilet paper helps about 3% to make me warmer, which was better than nothing.

finally, after god knows how long, because i have no sense of time, a woman comes to the door and tells me i need to be "processed".
i think maybe they are going to let me go. i gladly get the hell out of that cold box. she looks at me like some sort of freak because i am wrapped in toilet paper and exclaims "what are you doing???" and i said i was COLD!!!

they bark orders at me to stand on this x or that x. i am so confused by now it's hard for me to get anything right for them. they seem irritated at me that i do not know exactly what they mean, as if i am supposed to know the protocol.

they take my finger prints with ink and my hands are shaking so terribly that they have a hard time doing it.
they then instruct me to take all the ribbons and rubberbands out of my hair but my hands are shaking so badly i cannot barely untie them all.
as i try to get the rubberbands out of one, i end up ripping a dreadlock out of my head. they want to throw it in the trash but i plead with them to please keep it because it took me so long for me to grow that out.
so they at least keep it but throw away all my handdyed silk ribbns.

and what the heck about the rubberbands? how can a 2" rubber band do any harm? i mean what the fuck? how could that be used as a weapon?
maybe i am just an idiot, but i do not see how a tiny pink rubberband could be seen as a threat.

i ask the woman, why am i here? what am i charged with?
she knows nothing and tells me to be quiet.

another guy comes along and takes my finger prints without ink with this new CSI style computer thing. i think it's pretty neat and i ask him if i can have a copy of it and he says no.

i am then put back into my cell.

time passes, i don't know how long, hours. another woman comes and says she is going to take me to another part of the building where i will get a bed. i say thank god. i ask her. how long do i have to stay here? when can i go? what am i charged with? she doesn't know. all she says is i will get a bed.

oh ya, somewhere along the line i am told that if someone can bail me out with $200 cash i can leave, but since i cannot get a hold of anyone, this is pointless. i cannot remember matthew's cell number.
she tells me i can make more phone calls later.

i am made to strip off all my clothes and put on the orange jail suit that is too big for me and plastic orange sandals which squeak when i walk.
i am given a plastic bag of toiletries. a tiny toothbrush, some body wash, a small bar of soap, a tiny pencil (to write on WHAT?) some "maximum security" toothpaste and a tiny thing of "maximum security" deodorant.
i find that hilarious amidst my despair. i am given a brown plastic cup and 2 sheets and a very small wool blanket.

i am put in another cell where i am , again, in solitary confinement. it is at least 10 degrees warmer in this place, and i have a "bed" or actually a very very very hard vinyl mattress and no pillow. i take the sheets and try to make a pillow of it, but it hardly works as a pillow but better than putting my face on vinyl. i huddle into the small blanket, shivering uncontrollably.

i sort of 1/4th sleep 5 minutes here and there, fitfully, trying to find a comfortable position.
i cannot. i switch back and forth. i'm hyperventilating and my heart is going a mile a minute. i try to take deep breaths at the count of 4 in and out. i try to pray to god but feel no one is listening.

i say matthew's name over and over in hopes that he will telepathically feel me and know i am alive. i cannot stop thinking about how much pain he must be in that i am missing and he doesn't know why. i try to let go of this as it is all beyond my control, but i just cannot. as much pain as i am in, my biggest sorrow was for him. and i cry and cry and cry but i have to make myself stop with all my might or i know i will throw up.

things start to get louder.there is a lot of banging. the television goes on in the common area, louder than i have ever heard any tv. it blares and blares and blares but i cannot even make out what it is saying. it is just a muffled unbearable loudness. inmates start coming out of their cells and i have NO idea how on earth everyone could talk so loud and make SUCH a racket. not to mention all the other sounds, police radios, things beeping, loudspeakers, banging. plus the constant light ALWAYS on.

a slot in my door whacks open. i am given something a small amount of cheerios, a carton of milk, a tiny glass of apple juice, a slice of white bread, and some sort of square that looks like coffeecake or something resembling that. it makes me sick to look at it.

i can't eat it. i am too nervous and nauseous. i take the cheerios off and put them on my small plastic desk bolted to the cement wall, hoping i can eat them later. i keep the milk, too, but never drink it.
i take one sip of apple juice and almost throw up and so i pour that into my plastic cup and give their paper cup back.
the food is served on a brown plastic tray with compartments for the food like a tv dinner. but the compartment are extremely shallow, like about 1/2 an inch deep if even that. plus orange plastic spork.

i ask the woman through the slot what time it is. she doesn't understand me. she doesn't speak english. i say "time? time?"
finally she says "5am"

i go back and huddle on my mat.
they take my tray away and shut the slot.

what seems like about 5 hours later a tiny speaker in my room makes a small "ding" noise. i jump up and run to the speaker and hold my ear to the speaker as it is so quiet and everything else is so loud. plus the lights being constantly on, i am sleep deprived and crazed.
the tiny speaker says "the nurse has your medicine , press the panic button if you want it"
i see a black button, and i speak back to the speaker not knowing if anyone can hear me. i press the button but it makes no sound nor will it turn or seem to do anything. it is just a black button that seems completely pointless and is broken. i pound at the button and cry.

i press it and press it and search my room frantically for another button.
i cannot find anything.
all i have is a toilet and a stainless steel "mirror" bolted to the wall.

i start crying and pounding on my door, certain that my button is nonfunctional.

i cannot get anyone's attention. some of the inmates look up at me with blank looks in their eyes.

finally one inmate comes up and i yell at her through the door so she can hear me. i say i think my button is broken and the nurse says she has my medication but i cannot get in touch with her to tell her i want it!
she says press the button, i say i DID many many times. she said my button should make a clicking noise if it is working and she asks me if it is making that noise and i say no.
so she goes to tell the nurse.

maybe 45 minutes pass. i stare through my tiny window crying hoping that someone will see me and help me. no one does.
i am having a major anxiety attack of gigantic proportions.
i NEED my medication!

plus i cannot eat. didn't eat the day before and now cannot eat because i am so nauseous from my anxiety and fear.

finally my door pops open. i tearfully leave my cell and go down the stairs, my dreadlocks all in a dissarray so i must have looked like i was insane because i had put my hair up in those ribbons the day before when my hair was still wet and now my dreads were all curly and kinky and zinging out of my head.

the nurse snaps at me that i should not pound on my door. i say it was because my button was not working. she says "when we want you to come out we will open the door" as if i was just supposed to know this.

she says "where is your plastic cup"?? in disgust at me for not knowing to bring it. i say it is in my cell. she hufflily hands me a cone shaped dixie cup and points to the faucet and barks for me to go get water.

the other nurse hands me my prozac but not my valium. i can hardly even hold on to the paper cup as i am shaking so hard. i feel like i am going to pass right out. i said, i cannot take that or i will not be able to sleep. and i say i also need my valium, and she says, you will get that at bedtime. i cry and i say , no i am supposed to take that 3 times a day!
i repeat this pleadingly to them several times. finally the nurse looks at the directions on my bottle and agrees she has made a mistake and that i do get my valium. i sigh a relief but still cannot believe that she could miss something so crucial to my health.

i take my meds and they order me back into my cell. i ask when i can leave and why i am here and they say they do not know. i ask them why is it that everyone else can move about but i am locked in solitary confinement?
they say "it is because those women have been formally charged but you have not, so you are in a different class"

i think this is the most nonsensical thing i have ever heard. i have NOT been formally charged so *I* must stay in solitary confinement in a cell??? it makes NO sense. they order me back to my cell and tearfully i return.

the humilation of having to lock your own door to confine yourself increases my feelings of abuse. like i am now forced to abuse my self by locking my own door. it is humiliating. i feel like a trained animal in a circus.

the valium allows me to sleep 10 minutes here and there. although i really have no idea since i had no idea what time it was ever.

finally my door pops open again after hours and hours.
it's 2:20pm.

i have 20 minutes to be free of my cell to make phone calls.

i have a wrist bnand with a number on it, but it is upside down to me so i have to bend my wrist in a very awkwardway to read it sideways.

i am told i can make collect phone calls with this number, even tho nothing i want to call is long distance.
there are NO white pages, only yellow pages, so all i have access to is to call businesses.
i cannot call 411. they say i cannot send an email because they have no internet connection even tho i can see computers sitting right there.
the woman reacts to me like i am some sort of spoiled child and she is busy, although all she is doing is playing solitaire on the computer.

i try to call matthew's work again, they will not accept the charges.
the only other business i can think to call is a store by my house because they know me.

thankfully, they accept the call, and i frantically tell them my position and that i am freaking out and please call matthew at his work and tell him i am ok, and please if ANYONE can come and bail me out for $200 i will pay them back IMMEDIATELY with my debit card. i say please please anyone, i am freaking out in here and and if i am not bailed out i will have to be here for 2 more days!

they say they will call matthew and see what they can do.
i thank god i got through to SOMEONE.
i see books and i ask if i can take one with me. they say yes but then i have to go back to my cell because my time is up.
after scanning the many books of romance novels (it is the women's section, so ya, we all want to read romance novels while we are in jail, PLEASE.)

i finally find 2 science fiction books and take them back with me to my cell. but i cannot read them because i cannot stop crying and i have no attention span.

i manage to eat about 5 cheerios.

oh, LUNCH! served to us ay 11am. it consisted of something that looked EXACTLY like vomit. a piece of white bread with the most disgusting piece of processed meat on it i have ever seen in my life, a few potato chips, some koolaid that had to be the most watered down koolaid i have ever tasted and it was sugarfree. i too the pack of saltines and put them again, on my bolted table. couldn't eat them, tho.

i find a "keycard" in with my things they gave me. i think, is this the key so i can i can open and close my door? i feel like leeloo in the 5th element trying to get out of her plastic bubble cage. i frantically look for a slot this card might fit into. touching everything in my cell, searching for an answer. i find out it's for the vending machines and i have $3 on it.

but that is not the case. i am given a pin number and i have to go PUT $3 on it, and an inmate has to show me how to do this is after i made the phone call and got my books. i want a coke so bad so at least i can have some sugar so there is something in my system.
but i cannot put ANY money on this card because i did not have cash on me when i arrived there. so the card is worthless to me.

i ask the woman at the desk why am i here??
she looks it up and say "obstruction" and i say "obstruction of WHAT?"
and she says she has no more details than that.

i am befuddled. all i can think of is that i must have been arrested for pleading to get into my house when i was right at my door hearing my little dogs bark for me. and when i became very upset they must have taken that as some sort of obstruction of something and that is why i was there.
i couldn't think of any other reason.

at some point also someone told me that i was there for disorderly conduct. which i was truly mystified about because when i was at the restauraunt bar, i was totally in a good mood, not being loud at all. i am a regular patron there and i was talking very pleasantly to those 2 people i vaguely knew. but everything seemed just fine and dandy.

i mean, that place knows me and if i WAS doing anything out of line which i cannot imagine what that was, all they would have had to do is tell me to stop it or leave and i would have gladly done that.

i was in a good mood and not feeling in the least bit hostile towards anyone or anything.

i mean, for fuck's sake, i was going to go out for coffee with the owner this week.

i thought and thought and thought in my cell, and the only scenario i can imagine is that the father was pissed at me that i told him his son needed more love from him and when he got up to pee, he didn't really do that but called the cops instead.

if that is true then what a coward. not only can he not face his son, but he cannot even tell me to mind my own business and go sit somewhere else?
he just smiles at me and then like a coward calls the cops on me because i have a touched a nerve in him?

i mean, that is the only thing i can think of that i did. because the last thing i did before i was arrested is give his son a hug. and i think this made the father really jealous or angry or something that he felt impotent not to be able to do that himself and so wanted to punish me for it?

now i have $200 less money. who knows how i will make rent.
i can't tell my mom or dad about this because it's way too humiliating.

i have bruises all over my body and nerve damage in my hands, not to mention the psychological abuse i was put through. just traumatized.

all because i told 2 guys to love each other more?
just a LITTLE bit?

it's really unbelievable.
this world is so fucked up i do not even know where to begin.

i also think it didn't help that i have dreadlocks and the sides of my hair shaved.
plus i'm a woman, so hey, i'm just about worthless, as far as "the system" is concerned.

the only time they gave me an OUNCE of atention is when i told them i was carrying my 1st born child, because , you know, the child is worth far more than the mother.
which is why i took that route to get out of my cell. and it worked.

until i tried to escape, which in retrospect i know was stupid, but when you are in that situation and that flipped out, you'll try just about anything to make the pain stop. i just wanted to get home and call matthew. i knew there would be a warrant for my arrest, but the way i saw it at the time was things really couldn't get more hellish, so i had nothing to lose.

after a few hours, and more crying, the tiny little loudspeaker told me i could leave. i discovered my door was open. and so i put on my plastic slippers and went down to the desk. and they said "bring your things with you!" as if i was supposed to automatically know that.
i went back up and got everything. they told me to set it down "over there" and pointed to a very vague place"

i then waited there until some inmate told me i was supposed to go back up to the desk , which i did not know.

they told me to walk through that door, and i tried it but it was still locked. the inmates laughed at me. they said "she sure does want to get out! look at her! hahah!" 2 seconds later the door opened and i was stuck between 2 doors not knowing what to do. a few minutes pass and a cop lesisurely wanders up to the 2nd door and tells me to go into this elevator. with a smug look on his face he asks me "how are you?" and i say "i'm traumatized, how are you?" and he drawls 'i'm good." so he says all smirking "how do you like it here?" i said "i don't like it. how do YOU like it here?" and he nods that he doesn't like it either but still looking smug and chewing his gum nonchalantly.
he tell me to keep to the right of the wall and so i do.
he puts me in another cell and tells me i won't have to stay here long.
by "long" i don't know if he means 5 minutes or 5 hours.
a few minutes later he hands me a box with my clothes in it and tells me to get dressed and put the orange stuff in the box.
i get dressed, so happy to put on my own clothes.
he comes back and tells me where to dump my orange clothes and where to put the basket and then orders me to a bullet proof window where i must state my name and address to this guy. and the guy asks me why was i here. and i say "i don't know!!!" and he says in disbelief "you don't know???" and i said "no , i don't! no one would really ever tell me!"
but i can see the look on his face that if i don't say SOMETHING the process of getting out of there is going to take several more hours.
so i say "disorderly conduct??" and he says yes.
and i ask him again what that means and he says "here is a piece of paper, it's worth $200, so don't lose it. we will be sending you in the mail when your court date is and if you do not get anything in the mail you must call this number and set up your OWN court date". i can't believe it's up to me to set up my own court date when i do nto even know what the fuck i was disorderly about.

before i can ask anymore questions he demands i leave immediately through "that" door. there are like 6 doors so i have no idea which door he means.
i say "this door?" no. "this door?" no.
they are exasperated with me. how can i know which door. enee meenee minee mo.

i finally figure out which door and they say "hurry up! leave!"

i make it through the door and there is the owner of the store i called, looking at me with fatherly worry.

i am shaking and crying and try to tell him the story.
i thank him and thank him.
i cannot find the debit card. i say can i write you a cheque?
he says yes, come by the store at 9:30pm.

i am shaking all over. i cannot find the keys to my building. luckily the woman is in the office, just about to leave and the cops had given her my keys when they had been here.
she gives them to me and i tearfully tell her my story and she agrees it's completely bizarre.

i get into my apartment and i am SO glad to see my puppies!!!

i see written note from matt saying to call him at work when i get home because he is worried.

i see my trillian (IM) open and matt had IMed jason from my trillain asking if he knew where i was and jason said a bunch of horrible things that really hurt me. when M came home he said he purposely left that up for me to see and we both agreed that jason was just trying to tell matt that "see? i'm just trouble. i'm a fuck up. and just wanted to rub it in."

matt was mad and so was i.

i IMed jason and said that was really mean. he said he was only speaking from his experience, but i was just mad. it was really hurtful.

what a fucker saying i am probably sleeping at some guy's house.
fuck that. i don't do that anymore. not since i broke up with jason who didn't give me affection. what the fuck ever.
assuming i'm in detox.
they didn't even give me a breathalizer test! or any sort of test. or nurse or anything. so if anyone even TRIES to say this is my fault because i was drunk or something they can seriously all fuck off.

this world is a fucked up place and what i need to do is not talk to anyone. especially any psychic feelings i have, because all it does is freak them out.

everyone trying to hide behind a mask pretending to be something they are not. COWARDS.

then i called matt. he said my debit card and everything was in the kicthen. thank GOD. so when the cops came to my house with me, they threw my bag from walgreen's into my house but thankfully took my meds with.
i would have seriously had a heart attack without my meds.

so i went to SA and took out $200 in cash and went to the store and gave it to a guy who works there who i trust to give to the owner and told them my story, still shaking. and they were all appalled and mystified as i was.

and the guy with the black dreadlocks told me his jail horror story.
and i went home and took a small bath and lit incence and candles and looked at my bruises.

and wrote a bit in ana2. and made some pictures of my bruises.

and then M came home and gave me a dozen white roses and potato salad!
he is the best boyfriend in all the world. and he tried to hold me but all my bruises made it difficult and all my muscles are sore like i have been lifting weights probbaly from all the shaking i did.

god it felt so good to be home, better than anything in all the world.
and it was so wonderful to have a boyfriend who finally did not say what happened to me was all my fault so i had to deal with the guilt, shame, confusion, and humiliation over that, too.
he bought me ROSES and was on MY SIDE.
in fact, he was angry and wanted revenge on those cops.
as much as i could not take that in, because i am not in anger mode totally yet, i am still too traumatized to get the energy up to be angry.
it was cool to have a boyfriend who would actually "fight" for me, instead of telling me to shut up and know my place so that my boyfriend did not have to "defend my honour"
not like i need that, i can defend my own honour if i have to. but fuck, if anyone did any injustice to anyone i love i would fight for them , absolutely.
so to finally have a boyfriend who was not a coward to fight for me, who actually did not blame me and make me feel like i was a burden upon THEM because of MY abuse, it was amazing to feel that.

and i realize all the more what shithead cowards i have had for boyfriends.

like when i was at the KISS concert with jason and this guy behind me full on grabbed my crotch...and i turned around and punched him as hard as i could and told him to leave because he was in MY assigned seat.
jason was mad at ME for ruining the concert for him, and he was not at ALL concerned about MY wellbeing, his only concern was now HE was going to get beat up on the way back to his car because *I* had retaliated against this guy for sexually assaulting me!

can you believe that????

so i had to stand there for the rest of the concert while some woman smashed her breasts into my head, the guy who sexually assaulted me stood 2 inches away from my body...and jason pissed off at ME that i was ruining the kiss concert for him and now had put HIS safety in jeapordy!

god i've had it up to here, i swear, no matter i have post traumatic stress syndrome. and then to be told everything is my fault on top of it.

i pity the cops who do not have the love i have.
i got to leave they have to stay. they chose to live a life where they get so wound up and angry they find enjoyment to hurt to 5'2" girl.

power hungry out of control sadistic motherfuckers.

now M is at work and i have eaten a piece of pumpkin pie.
i am drinking tea. i am looking at my white roses and i am so happy to be home with my dogs and my bed and food and comfort and my view.
i can never take it for granted, i love it all the more here.

at least i can still use my fingers even tho they are numb.

i feel shaken to my core. and i still have not processed all of this.
but i know that the good that did come of it is that i appreciate my life so much and what i have.
i have love in my life.
i know the police will have the karma catch up to them. it already has as they are all souless people who are not even really alive.
filled with rage, eating them up.
having to sit in ugly building with horrible people.
no love anywhere. no compassion.
no hope.
god have mercy on them.
let them see the light and let their hearts open to the grace of the universe and let them see the error of their ways.

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