| november
20, 2006 |
||
2:33pm
2:25pm
it really doesn't seem like winter
here. at night it will get down to freezing but never by much.
it's really pretty frightening that the last 5 years or so we have hardly
seen a speck of snow up here in minnesota.
winters are more like the fall.
things stay around 40 degrees or more.
this is nice but i actually desperately miss snowdrifts, and snow that squeaks,
and catching snowflakes on your tongue, making snow angels, and snowmen. even
a snowball would be nice. i really miss snow and the crisp white feeling it
gave to everything. the "smell" of snow, too, has it own scent which
is kind of a lack of scent...just this amazing "clear" smell. i
miss icicles which are magical. i miss the sound of frozen water crunching
under my feet. last year i saw GREEN grass in february. that is just not right.
even the annual ice sculpture contest has been in jeapordy for years now.
and ice skating, or even ice fishing even on the most northern of lakes, forget
about it. it seems more people drown each year due to trying to walk on lakes
that have not properly frozen over.
global warming. gah.
the innuit in canada have it worse. the glaciers are melting, the animals are dying out, everything is out of whack.
having lived here all my entire life of 40 years, i can say for certain things are completely different here now.
corn doesn't grow as high, things are just off balance everywhere.
the tiger is almost extinct now. bbc news say the ocean will be dead in 50 years.
we're next.
i'm glad i got to see the earth when
it was plentiful.
i'm both happy and sad that i got to experience living in america in the most
gluttunous time in history.
when one could take a full bubble bath every 5 minutes if you wanted to, full
of fresh clean water each time.
i have luxuriated in water, drank
from the faucet when it was actually tasting ok to do so, i swam in pools
of crystal clear springs in south dakota,
i washed my dishes and clothes in as much water as i wanted. hot or cold.
i have lived the life of a king on 5,000 a year.
i can buy any fruit, vegetable, mineral, or animal from anywhere in the world
and have it flown to me directly overnight and with a bow.
i am in the middle of the continent
and i can still order sushi, or bananas, whuich everyone takes for granted.
if i want i can drink pure mango juice freshly squeezed.
i have had electric blankets, thermostats, and access to exotic fibers and which to spin on my wheel.
i have had the HONOUR of being able
to afford and feed 3 extradinary souls, which happen to be purebred dogs from
china and japan,
something only queen elizabeth had the luxury of once.
i have glass pears, tiger lilies, yellow roses, lamps i can leave on all night long.
i have had access to pure resins and oils of amber, rose, and sandalwood.
i have burned pure frankincense even in my most poorest time.
salt costs nothing.
i have an air conditioner, a telephone, a computer.
i have robes made from the finest silk from the 20's.
i have been able to intricately watch many people and cultures through many mediums and had the time to actually think about it.
i can throw paper away.
i have heard music from all over the world and never even had to leave my home to hear it.
i have lived in the most gluttunous and luxurious of times.
this is soon to end, i know it and
i always have.
this is why i have always been so grateful for all i receive and my experiences.
i have eaten flying fish eggs. i have rubbed my body in toasted sesame oil.
most importantly of all, i have had
the TIME to truly appreciate all of this.
to think upon it without being forced to work in a coal mine or a diamond
mine.
yes, i have worked retail, and i
have mopped up blood and vomit from hospitals,
and i have been to the very bottom of everything, laying in the street babblling
like a crazy person,
forced into institutions against my will and then given a ridiculous bill
i could never pay,
i have been treated like shit, like garbage, even by the ones who said they
loved me.
i have been stalked, almost murdered and raped several times, kidnapped...
and had no one ever take me seriously on it. actually ridiculed further, so
i don't even speak of it now.
but i have to say, if i died today,
which i hope i don't), i have lived a very extraordinary life for what i was
given to work with.
i have stood on the stage the beatles were introduced to america, i have met
many of the people who make me want to expand further into the realms of everything.
and some have broken my heart in the process.
i have been in extraordinary circumstances
in extraordinary places.
i have been at the right place at the right time on many an occasion, and
many not.
i have made horrible mistakes which
i have (hopefully) learned from.
i have been unfortunately gloried and pissed on.
i have tried being a slave and being
a master.
i am good at both.
i have seeked the middle ground.
i still feel like i am in kindergarten.
but i really love my life, as frustrating and gorgeous as it is.
and i really am thankful to have lived during this time, even tho sadly, it
was the beginning of the end.
i look forward to all new beginnings.
and i think my planet earth for letting me partake in it's luxuries.
i will be here always to serve earth in any way i can.
long live earth, and it's creatures, who are all one, we included, even tho it seems we don't deserve it.
i bow to broccoli, and sharks, and
the duckbilled platypus.
i bow to the giraffes and those weird deep sea creatures that glow in the
dark.
i bow to the humble potato, twig and leaf.
i bow to all creatures wild or domesticated, i bow to typewriter ribbons,
bandaids, and most especially , toilet paper.
i bow to bones and dirt and mold and maggots.
i bow to granite, amber, or the common "rock"
i bow to gravel, and fog. tea and sludge.
thank you volcanoes and hurricanes.
thank you bacteria, viruses, and licorice altoids.
thank you for the xerox machine and the smell of ink.
thank you for time which allows me to luxurite in all of this to a torturous degree so that i have the option to notice the process of everything.
thank you aging and lipgloss.
thank you to everything i ahve yet to experience, if even for a single more second.
time on earth has been well spent.
and i look forward to returning, if i may have the lucky chance to do so.
thank you coral for being so patient.
thank you cow and chicken and corn
for your incredicle sacrifice.
we can only hope to learn from you someday.
thank you sun for all all your extroversion, thank you moon, for showing us inner things.
i thank my body for working so well
all of my life.
so efficient!
i have had a really good body. i am very fortunate.
i can digest almost anything and i really should pay more attention to it.
thank you for sticking by me even when my head is "in the clouds"
thank you fingers and toes and universe.
and to the guy who tried to rape
me, thank you , too, you should me "difference" and started my journey
in a big way.
even tho i still secretly wish you to fry for all of eternity, the paradox
is that you did have some sort of purpose.
but man, next life, do something different, k?
i want to learn through joy and not
pain now.
12:53pm
sebastian ate more chicken so yay
:)
if i have to feed him chicken for the rest of the week to make him better,
i will.
i'm cooking the beginnings of my chicken soup now.
added onions, more carrots, later potaoes, curry, cayenne, salt, pepper.
i'm trying to get my gusto up to go to the bank and drug store.
11:34am
i know reading about sebastian's
eating habits has to be about as boring as listening to a stranger talk about
their children by now. but, well, it's my journal, and he is my kid, and so...i
will continue for my sake.
i've devoted all all my time for the last week to making him well.
so that's what i write about.
last night i forgot to give him his
medicine because he ate the chicken and mashed potatoes with such gusto.
this morning tho, he still wasn't all perky, and i THINK the chicken stayed
in him. i can find no evidence in the house that it did not.
i gave him 1/2 a milkbone treat and he ate it. but wouldn't eat the other
1/2.
nor would he eat the cat food i bought him. nor would he eat the "mighty
dog" canned dog food i bought him (so i gave the cat food to pooka who
scarfed it and the dog food to deiter, who ate it like it was going out of
style. i'd like to put deiter side by side with the japanese guy who keeps
winning all the eating contests regarding how many hotdogs one can eat within
a specified amount of time).
i gave sebastian his medicine again.
and today when i make chicken soup i'll give him more chicken.
whatever i can get him to eat!
and he is not a finicky eater.
(as you know he ate a frickin alien pod from god knows where)
the only scenario i can imagine where he could have eaten this pod is when
my mom and her husband drove me home from dad's, and when they came over to
my apt, sebastian escaped out the door and whisked down the hallway for 1
minute, and my mom's husband went after him...and maybe someone had ordered
a very exotic floral arrangement, and this pod fell off of it and sebastian
just happened to swallow , entirely whole a 3 to 4 inch pod, which i have
a hard time believing he could do, especially within that small time limit.
that's the only "logical" explanation i have for it.
if that is what happened. then i find it odd that the times my dogs get most
sick is when it has something to do with my mom, lately.
like when i filed the restraining order on her, that very hour, pooka ate
a ton of black string off the black sewing machine my mom had given me long
ago.
big ass vet bill.
then my mom comes over, sebastian perhaps swallows a gigantic alien pod.
i have no idea. but all of it is
just weird times infinity.
in dream news, the last week i have had THEE most mundane dreams that i can
hardly discern between what is reality and what i dreamt.
like i guess i dreamt that M needed a spatula but i told him i didn't have
one. the next day i found a spatula and i asked him, "did you ask me
if you needed a spatula?"
and he said that never happened.
dreams i am in the shower with him and he makes the water too hot (he likes
the water VERY hot, too hot for me, in real life)
i dream about my hair, about, cooking, about sebastian.
so mundane that i cannot even remember them.
each dream about 30 seconds long and totally unmemorable.
last finally i had ye olde strange dreams.
i can't recall what they were but i remember it was on the usual theme of
being lost, finding old houses, trying to get home via roads i do not know,
and always this river and cliffs leading to the river.
i could draw you a map of my dream world.
i could draw you all my houses i visit and where everything is in them.
even those these dreams are unpleasant, at least i can discern them from my
everyday reality instead of merging with it completely.
M has been completely tranfixed and
zombified by the game "civilization" (it cracks me up to say you
can play civilization)
his 1st civilization busted on him because he made his world too big and my
computer crashed it.
so he started over with a smaller one and now he is at the rennaisance period,
but russia has declared war on him.
that's all i know about it.
as much as i love anthropology and delving into how "civilizations"
react to one another, and i closely study this in the "real world"
, the game he is playing i have no interest in because the choices are too
limited as to what kind of civilization one could make.
if i can't make THEE civilization i want and interact with other civilizations
how i want to, then i am not interested.
i don't like being given choice a. b. c. d. e. or f.
because i want to make my own choice which is probably a letter of the alphabet
that hasn't even been invented yet.
but M loves it. i mean, he LOVES
this game. damn!
he said is makes his brain on fire and think and think.
so i say have at it :)
i love that he likes to , at least play games like that and not something
that's all shoot 'em up and die die die.
i've never been all that fascinated with games, other than the game of life
("real" life, not the actually boardgame called life).
i think the only games i have genuinely
enjoyed playing are backgammon, shoots and ladders, parcheesi (sp?),and i
think i like UNO for about 4 days. oh, and for video games, i really loved
Pong. pong rules. so calming.
blip dee blip dee boop dee blip.
oh, and the rubick's cube.
goddamit i've been wanting one of those since it came out and i've NEVER gotten
one.
gah. i want a rubick's very very very very very much.
all other games make me anxious.
i empathize too much.
like chess. i freak out. i hate to see the pawns or anyone "die"
i am so weird like that.
it causes me anxiety.
jason, when we 1st met tried to play this sword game with me, where we were
both samuria. i ended up butting him in the head for real.
and doom, damn that is like my dreams. i'm really good at it since in my dreams
everything is coming at me trying to kill me so i am just like "die die
die!"
i feel like i am reliving my dream life or past lives or something.
i'm damn good, i kill everything off.
but it's not fun for me and i am left feeling shaken up.
i don't like to fight for my life.
but i will.
i tried MYST but couldn't even find
the 1st clue.
i felt like an idiot.
david kahne, my A&R guy finished it in a week.
i'm like damn.
but "real life", heck ya,
that's the only game i need.
i already feel like i am in a game, and it's the biggest game of all.
so to play a smaller version of it just doesn't interest me.
i'm too involved in LIFE as it happens to me.
that is enough for me. i need nothing to supplement it.
i got it full on, head on, right now.
games offer me no escape.
the only video game beside pong i've
liked is jason had this goofy video of animals "rapping"
and you had to try and rap along to their silly raps.
what on earth was that?
it totally ruled.
they'd be in a car rapping about being in a car, and then they would be in
line to go to the bathroom and they'd rap about that.
i think queen latifah was the voice for the elephant or whatever animal that
was.
it was a joyful hapy game that was totally silly and ridculous but actually
hard to play (for me) since you had to press certain things for certain rhythms,
like dance dance revolution.
i'd like to play dance dance revolution by myself so no one could watch me
and see how bad i am at it :)
jason is REALLY good at it.
i'll never forget when i saw dance
dance revolution for the 1st time in chinatown in NYC.
and this little skinny androgynous asian girl who looked to be about 13 was
just kicking everyone's ass on it.
the look on her face was so blase like "ya, whatever".
she sucked on a sucker and wore a navy blue hooded jacket.
she didn't move her upper body at all.
but her feet just were bam bam bam, all over the place perfectly.
she just stay there, hood over her head, sucking that lollipop, and kicking
ass on dance dance revolution.
it was like a scene from a quentin tarintino (sp?) film.
it was sheer beauty because she had no interest anyone was watching her, i
don't even know if she knew how badass she was.
she was just killing time whipping out the moves, but in a totally detached
way. she was the zen master of dance dance revolution.
today i should go to the bank and i should get my prescriptions refilled.
and damn, my phone and electric bill?
damn.
i hope sebastian will eat more chicken today.
2:30am
sebastian ate on his own today. a
dog treat and i made some chicken and M made mashed potatoes and he just scarfed
it all down sebastian-style :)
i gave him about 1/2 a chicken breast and a handful of mashed potatoes.
he could have eaten more but i didn't want to over do it.
yay!!
i hope it stays in him!
i am so happy to feed him something substantial!
and he really ate a lot more thna any other day!
so wonderful :)
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