| october
28th , 2006 |
||
M came home. we had pizza and watched
sat nite live.
he was a ghost today as a costume for work.
i woke up all groggy and did it the make up.
he won a $25 gift certificate for best make up, even tho was i did was extremely
rudimentary.
he bought cheese and bread and a pear and a pomegranite with the certificate
for us. yay :)
he looks so fine in eyeliner :)
we made love and now he's asleep.
listening to c2c.
i am feeling like i am coming back
into myself.
tomorrow we plan to carve the pumpkin and roast the seeds :)
7:50pm
ok, i give up waiting for my confirmation
email.
used the phone and it'll take an hour.
i wonder where M is.
he got off work at 6:30pm
7:29pm
trying to order a pizza hut pizza
online.
waiting for my confirmation email so i can order something.
i may have to used the good old fashioned telephone.
i have some psycho girl on the internet screaming at me about my lj community
dead photos because she exclaims "gross is ALWAYS fun!"
which it's not.
and because i don't agree with her she flips out.
watching a thing about the blue man group on pbs.
7:13pm
argh, it saturday, so the little
store is closed.
i think i will order a pizza.
6:59pm
i put my fedora on and with all the yarn in my hair i realized "oh my god, i'm boy george!"
6:18pm
called my dad.
discovered that my cam image on anacam has been stuck on the same image for
god knows how long.
fixed that.
man, i miss using chillcam soooooooo much.
there is barely anything i can do with webcam32.
i miss being able to play with the cam image the way i used to.
i miss it i miss it i miss it.
i should go to the store and buy some food.
i ate a yogurt. the 1st thing i ate all day. really the only thing in the
fridge besides grapes and dr. pepper.
4:07pm
took a nap.
had the weirdest dream that was actually good.
it was by a person named kat. she had a boyfriend named seth and a cat named
either Y or K.
i can't remeber which. i found her on the net via a link ducky doolittle put
in her journal something along the lines of "what is this chick smoking???"
it was all in flash, and at 1st this was just annoying as hell. she had made
a animated picture for every single word and it would type out as if she were
typing it to you right then and there.
but if you refreshed the page it would start all over and it took forever.
and for 1/2 the symbols i had NO idea what she was trying to say.
for instace for the word "apple" she would just show an apple.
if it was a more complicated word she would put images together and you'd
have to sound it out to know what that word was.
like for the word pumpkin she's show a person pumping and then symbols of
people that meant "realtives" or "kin"
therefore= pumpkin, etc.
but then i found out that if i put my finger over the symbols a robot voice
would say the word.
it would also show up in braille if you wanted it to.
then i understood these pages were made for the hearing impaired or else people
who could not read but understood symbols. and i thought that was really cool,
but just took so long to load.
she had a cam, too, but i didn't look at it. i was just struggling trying
to understand one sentence from one journal entry...and as far as i got is
she had written/symbolized "i want to understand bono's new book but
it's not in portugeuse..."
then , all of a sudden i was not on the computer anymore but sitting at this
thing that looked like a gigantic jukebox/willy wonka contraption.
the computer screen was still there but built into it and was larger.
a clear tube on the side started spilling out toys in the shapes of sall the
symbols so you could actually TOUCH the words/symbols, too.
out came plastic fruit, superballs, clear lucite rods, orbs with things inside
so they shoook like rattles, pieces of paper with words on them, but each
piece of paper was a different kind, some might be vellum and others a rough
brown. the words would be cut out or on different ink.
cubes would come out with words on them, a different word each side.
one cube said "MEN" (i sure wish i could have seen what the other
sides said)
it just went on and on and kept spilling things everywhere, faster than i
could even catch them.
i was laughing and enjoying this so much and then my brother was in the room
and i said to him, wait...how did we get this machine? when did this thing
arrive?
and he said that he and dad had ordered it for me because they knew i would
love it and they snuck it in when i wasn't looking. and my brother had such
a smile on his face and was overjoyed that i loved it so much because he just
knew i'd love it.
i thought wow, i can't believe my brother would do something like this for
me!
and also i wondered how on earth this woman was affording to do this.
it was like the toys were being built right then and there in portugal and
then somehow popped on over to me as soon as they were done.
and i thought how labour intensive making the site must have been, having
to come up with a symbol for every word in the english language that was aalso
animated and just the entire page was animated in such a way it was really
trippy.
it was like lisa frank on acid (lisa frank is a super girly thing)
or my little pony takes a trip to outerspace.
---
i thought of a way i could get the
images on the page here so you didn't have to click a link called "images"
and that would be to rename today.html to be page_0001.html, which is what
the thumbnail programme i have names the page automatically.
so i may try that.
i wish i had the motivation and energy to redo the design of my entire site.
i feel anxious and restless and things still feel 'wrong"
i sleep a lot and don't eat much.
there really isn't anything here to eat.
anything i've eaten lately is because m has bought food.
i need to go to the little store and get the bare essentials of food, but
i had absolutely no energy or will to do so.
i'll try and force myself.
there are so many emails i need to get back to people on.
and packages to mail off that i have been putting off for a ridiculous amount
of time.
i'm dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, issues and "the shadow/dark"
side of myself.
my faults, weaknesses, fears...
and how i deal with them and i'm trying to come up with a better set of coping
skills.
this is hard work and one of the reasons i am so exhausted and depressed.
i hope i am not beyond repair.
i hope there is some way for me to heal.
i feel like a broken toy.
i've never had to deal with anything like this before.
i never thought i could get this damaged and i'm really quite taken aback
by how fuct i had become in certain areas of my life.
a feel like an old dog who would like to just go under the porch and lick
my wounds in solitude.
i don't want anyone to witness this or have to deal with it in any way.
so it's hard to have M around when i get really nuts, but on the other hand,
maybe if i didn't have him around i would be even more nuts. i just hope i
don't drive him nuts, too.
this is one of my fears.
i have always been the damagee not the damager, and it just pains me to see
that i could damage anyone i love.
at least i am AWARE of this, and
keeping it in check as much as i can, although i do not always succeed.
the people who damaged me did not even realize or care to realize that they
were damaging me.
at least i am mostly aware of what is causing me to do act/say/do things that
are not healthy and i am better than i was, for sure. but i still have a ways
to go, i see now.
and that bums me out.
i'm pretty damn sick and tired of working on myself and would like to just
be done with it and get on with making art.
i feel like if i have to go through one more minute of self reflection i'm
going to hurl.
i think i really need a vacation.
i'd love to just go sit by the ocean somewhere and think about NOTHING except
how beautiful the ocean is.
M is quitting cigs, and today will be his 1st day without them.
god, i hope it is easy for him.
and if it is not, i hope to god i can be there for him in the best way possible.
9:54am
images
negativland were amazing.
definitely some of the best material they have ever made!
yesterday i could not get my cam to work, but now it;s fine.
go figure.
woke up early today to help M make himself inot a ghost for work since today
at his work all the employees are wearing halloween costumes. good thing i
have a lot of theatrical supplies here.
it's 45 degrees and sunny.
i want to be up for the day now, but i am still super sleepy.
maybe i will sleeep for just another hour.
i wish i was a morning person.
i can't believe it's almost november.
i like my bleached roots.
i'll take pictures today.
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