| october
24th , 2006 |
||
how quiet it gets when i go mad.
i must laugh.
here a random spam thing i just got:
by psychologist on orders
"My aunt, on the other hand, was in a composed frame of mind, which
When I found myself on the familiar Highgate road, pursuing such a sitting-room,
to keep guard over her. She made a great point of
quite at home. She was to have my bed, and I was to lie in the go on swimmingly.
Afterwards, when we were fairly at our work, I
when you were with us. You are qualified for many good things. have always
contemplated making any young friend I might thus twins, now some eight or
nine years old, reposing in a turn-up
should always love her, every minute, to distraction. Lovers had have quietly
done itself; and I should have known in a moment who
When we had our first great quarrel within a week of our fell from old Tiffeys
daily biscuit, regularly eaten when St. I was earning nothing; about doing
something to assist my aunt, and
mentioned, and perhaps the want of a little more elbow-room, he was been begging
and praying about handing over some of her money -
associations to the altar of our domestic life. If, on the eve of this
baleful object presented itself to my view. I was very merry, increased so
much the more. If she would like me to die for her,
My aunt, on the other hand, was in a composed frame of mind, which When we
were nearly come to the last round of the punch, I
the paper round them which was accurately copied, what the things together,
and told Traddles in my letter that I wished to sustain, from living in a
continual state of guerilla warfare with
So have you, Trot, in some things, though I cant compliment you lady that
she smelt of my brandy, and that she would trouble her to
We found my aunt alone, in a state of some excitement. A a young noodle as
ever was carried out of his five wits by love. more I raved, the more Jip
barked. Each of us, in his own way, got
crisis required. I continued to walk extremely fast, and to have reason. It
is not a professional course of proceeding. It is not
strolled about until it was ten oclock. The church with the they were very
like, or that they particularly resembled any where my means of subsistence
were to come from, unless I could"
i had had "good" day, i
guess, of sorts by walking to and fro on errands.
productive, in a way, maybe. i have no idea. i shall see the results shortly
in my future , perhaps so i can gauge that.
toothepaste was bought. chicken fried rice which i now eat in between typed
words.
the dogs look up to me wanting any piece of rice that may fall.
i talk to some lost woman who is waiting for her 15 year old daughter to come
out of a concert...which won't be until 6 hours at LEAST from the time i talked
to her. 4 years younger than i am.
just signed the divorce papers today. drunk off her ass waiting for her 15
year old daughter to get out of a concert at a bar. it was sad.
i said please drive safely. as i walked home i saw a young girl making herself
throw up in a garbage can 1 block from where that concert was. i pray it was
not the 15 year old girl.
how would it be to have a mom waiting in a bar drinking her ass off waiting
for you to get done with your concert and then drive you 2 hours home?
lost souls. we all in so many ways.
another with ancient eyes glances at me looking for a door into me. i shut
all doors quickly but smile anyway out of respect.
another man watches all of this and wonders, he wants to say something but
doesn't because he is at least wise enough to not intrude. another pretends
not to notice anything.
a "cool" sort". we both sit broodily together each hell bent
on not noticing each other.
i find that interesting.
he had a sour face. he pretends to be engaged (in nonchalant way) in reading
the paper as if this makes him worldly.
i could help but notice.
another tells me his story of anger about not being noticed.
i tell him maybe i had a miscarriage yesterday.
he barely notices and laughs nervously, changing the subject.
he tells me that he shaved off all his pubic hair "for me" the other
day while he was masturbating.
for ME he did this. how nice.
what the fuck goes through some men's minds?
how SENSITIVE of you, how EMPATHETIC, i'm trying to be your FRIEND and you
tell me that you shaved off your pubic hair for ME, that this was a purely
unselfish act for MY wellbeing?
like i told him i WANTED that , EVER, and telepathically felt that...and so
shaved off all his pubic hair for ME and is whacking off to the thought of
me now. for ME.
uh, thanks? gaaaaaaaaaah. *silent scream*
and HE complains about how unevolved his friends are and how they don't notice
him.
hello?
he brags about how spiritually evolved he is brags about how many square feet
of space his house is and how this cat that "just will not die"
peed on his $5,000 leather couch.
i can't fucking take that shit anymore.
he affectionatly calls me his stalker.
i am officially creeped out now.
help.
i just want to crawl into a corner.
it would be NICE to meet some actually cool people in this world who live
by me, don't stalk me, ,and don't wank off to me and feel this need to tell
me so as if that is some sort of compliment.
it seems many men would whack off to the thought of a telephone jack if that
is all they had to go on.
i don't feel special or enthralled by this.
i feel irritated and threatened if it's not in the right context.
and let me tell you, that context is NARROW and narrowing further still as
i write this.
i am so goddamn sick of human interaction yet here i am still holding out
hope that it can't be this way EVERYWHERE.
am i naive? maybe. or just stubborn.
we are both captains of our ship and so because of that we w just wave to
each other here and there from our decks, looking out for waves and sharks
and storms. and let's just hope that's all it comes to. because i don't want
any more stalkers. i don;t find that to be a term of flattery.
contemplating who will walk the plank in our lives and who will not, in the
most just and fair way possible.
i think he will walk the plank.
yes. most definitely.
sad. i feel so alone.
so many of us do.
why can't we just work it out and not be freaks?
who sees and who does not see.
who chooses not to see out of cowardice and who chooses not to see out of
sadism.
and who chooses not to see out of sloth and who chooses not to see out of
ignorance?
it's hard to tell anymore and the lines get blurry.
at another store i banter back and forth about form vs. chaos.
i find this line of thinking generally boring with most people but go along
for the ride for 5 minutes since that is what i walked into.
the big guy feels threatened by me. i find this interesting that he is so
big but feels he is not being taken seriously and so needs to feel he is "fighting
for his freedom".
a HUGE white guy feeling he needs to fight for his freedom. freedom from what?
he thinks anarchy means chaos. i don't have the time to inform him it's not.
punk rock.
he wears big red pants to make sure
he looks even larger. i compliment in him on that.
he is pleased i notice.
it's my job to notice and disarm. it's how i stay alive.
he is oblivious to this.
now i'm home eating chicken fried rice.
the dogs had treats.
i am still bleeding and puffed and i feel sensitive and moody.
i gear up for M to come home and make sure i project none of this on him but
be as clear as i can be.
fair and just and articulate.
compassionate and taking all things into consideration.
i doubt my abilities but strive anyway.
my "cruelty free" hair care products from knottyboy arrived.
packed in cruelty free packaging for an extra buck.
i wonder if this does any difference.
i buy 22 sticks of "money house
blessing" incense.
indian spirit!
the variety pack.
obsession, giorgio, drakkar noir, and eternity.
yes please, indian spirit house blessing
obsession scent please.
or black dragon, i feel blessed already from those who have gone beyond me.
M gets off work now.
i pray he is in good spirits.
i have chicken fried rice for him.
i will keep pulling myself together atom by atom.
i want to do no harm above all.
god i feel so fucked up and wrong.
so helpless and alone.
i'm scared.
i'm really angry right now.
i feel like i should lock myself up.
i don't want to become the enemy.
i just want to scream.
i'd rather just fall asleep.
i'm going go into the thing room
and lay on the couch.
shut off.
take all my meds.
curl into a ball.
tomorrow is a new day, i hope.
don't poke me , don't prod me.
2:46pm
no cramps today. yay.
44 degrees and sunny but the sun will go down soon.
i feel completely out of it and not really "here" because i had
the most intensely horrible dreams that went on and on and on all night. epic
horrible dreams. i feel traumatized by them and i'm trying to get them out
of my body. i don't even want to write them down because i don't want to spend
another second thinking about them or reliving them in any way. but i don't
know how else to get rid of them.
i am trying to convince myself the dreams aren't real and i am safe back in
my room in THIS life where none of those things are happening or did happen.
god.
my hair is standing on end.
i felt like i was finally normalizing, emotionally, in my life last night.
and now i feel completely crazy again right now.
what is going on with me and why can't i get a hold on it and rectify it?
last night i was so happy when M arrived home.
i felt safe and comforted despite the fact that i had to keep taking vicodin
because my cramps were so bad and i was bleeding so much i felt like i was
having a miscarriage.
and maybe i was. i'll never know.
then i fall asleep and everything is pretty good.
then the nightmares begin and i start waking myself up because i am kicking
the air because i am fending for myself in my dreams.
lately also i have been having mild hot flashes. or i will wake up in cold
sweat.
i will be both hot and cold at once.
i don't know what this is, i am too young for menopause.
but all i can think of is that.
also it feels like paxil withdrawl, although i am not on paxil or anything
like paxil or any new drug nor taking any new doses of the ones i am on.
i can't figure out what the deal is but weird.
is it just hormones?
are my hormones doing whacked out things?
is this is pre-menopausal thing?
i can go from feeling fine to feeling wild mood swings.
and now this dream, god this dream.
i feel insane at this moment even tho everything in my life looks normal.
the dogs sniff around and do their dog things.
the day is beautiful with the sun hitting the buildings in the way they do
late in the day.
my mind is capable of thinking rational thoughts.
i am able to "maintain" but i feel like i am holding on by my fingernails.
i do laundry and dishes and dust and just hope i figure things out or things
rectify themselves.
i think i should force myself today to go out and get my prozac since i finally
have enough money for it, i think.
maybe this will normalize me for the time being.
because something definitely feels very very chemically wrong in me.
whether this is some sort of hormmone thing, or low endorphins, or a vitamin
definciency (although i do take a multivitamin) i don't know.
i wish we knew more about the human brain and just the body/mind connnection,
in general.
especially with women's bodies they hardly know a thing.
for instance, they just figured out NOW that the symptoms for a heart attack
in women are completely different for those in men.
when i feel like this i feel so "weak" like i SHOULD just be able
to "fix" this with the power of thoguht alone. think happy thoughts
and voila...perfect health.
and this is true to a great degree. more than we know or care to admit.
yet i feel powerless over my thoughts to think "good" ones when
i am like this.
which makes me feel even weaker. like god, if i cannot even control my THOUGHTS
what CAN i control?
it scares me.
i feel so powerless and pathetic.
or maybe i am just lazy.
i mean, do i really sit down and really TRY to control my thoughts?
or do i just hope that good thoughts will just appear as if my magic?
and then there is the zen way of detaching yourself from your thoughts and
let them pass by you and through you like clouds and hold no judgement of
them.
and then i think i am i being too hard on myself?
which one is it?
laziness or holding myself to some standard to which i cannot attain?
i could drive myself nuts with that question and often do.
since it is unanswerable , at least
it APPEARS to be, right now...
i will just go take a little bath and go get my prozac and soem fresh air
and hope that this helps me.
just keep going just keep going.
lali puna- faking the books:
We’ve been done before
and now we try to forge ourselves
I’ll be true again
But until then I fake the books
‘Cause everybody knows
This ain’t heaven
Until everybody knows
We’ve been wrong before
There is a lot that we survived
I’ll be true again
But until then I fake the books
‘Cause everybody knows
This ain’t heaven
Until everybody knows
+++
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