| october
21st , 2006 |
||
12:00
yesterday my mom told me it was up
to US to have an orgasm..
it was our responsibility.
men have penises, it's easy for them to have an orgasm ( so it has been said
and so it has also my experience)
ya, well it's easy for me, too, if i feel SAFE to have one.
so it's up to us, women, to have one during "sex" whether that's
by masturbation or whatever (according to my mom).
now, i cannot even believe i had the guts to even ask that of my mom, but
that seems to me as fucked (no pun intended),,i cannot even make a sentence...
i give my ALL, ALWAYS for any man (or woman, which they have all been quite
surprised at how EASY it is to come if someone just "gets it" (we
are NOT so complicated) . i will ride him/her. hand/mouth, anything, how many
hours until s/he comes. it's not difficult. i am no olympic athlete.
if s/he cannot i will wait. i will watch. i will learn. i will watch how s/he
does it. she does.
no offense to my current lover, just wondering....
i'm not FRIGID, i just have a "thing" i may be a burden. the tongue
will get tired. it DOES.
no offense i am not an athletic athlete. just give me 5 or 10 mintes, at least!
15. 20 minutes? jeez. does it have to be a race???
with myself i can come in 30 seconds or less.
am i a freak?
i know the tongue can give out. what about fingers? fingers are easy, yes?
you think i can lick MYSELF? i wish. duh. but no, that is not what i want
or need!
it's about being in love and being one. it's about wanting someone to KNOW
me and not this being a BURDEN.
i want COMMUNION.
i'm not much into giving head. (it's been a very violent experience for me)
i have a very delicate gag reflex. unless i've had a few drinks, then it's
better for me. no offense!
just my body!
but you know, my clit is about the size of a pea (a lentil), less than. hardly
anything to choke on, imo?
still it holds more nerves than any penis ever did.
i don't want to be a chore. god, no. FEAR. but god i want to COME by the hand
of the one who LOVES ME. you know the difference? for it is HUGE. it communion.
i seek COMMUNION. i bow my head in tears.
help me.
am i alone?
AM I unreasonable?
i LOVE M.
i don't want to damage him.
god i i just fucked up?
am i beyond all repair?
god.
someone say something.
something helpful.
please.
he is such a good person.
he means NO HARM.
but if no one wants to figure out how i come.
if i am not WORTH IT. (i feel)
i'd rather die.
i would.
and god please don't tell me how
YOU will make me come and only you.
and how you'll eat me il the cows come home.
fuck that. i'm NOT interested.
that's NOT what i'm saying or into.
i want to CONNECT to MY lover.
my lover is M.
period.
no blame to him.
i belong to him.i hope so.....
please help m connect to HIM.
he is my love.
i am missing the words...
.
cowardly
Oct. 21st, 2006 | 11:32 pm
retrograin spinekiller
your eyes penetrate my aura
never mind the wisps of fear
it's only a weapon against myself
such small words
and so ineffective
i want to suffocate in your beauty
and be done with it
such a selfish thing
i don't fear being alone
perhaps i am evil now
and need to be extinguished
these words are bullshit
vapour
yet they sting to the core
you and me both
i am ashamed
when did i become such a coward?
10:55pm
deep thoughts in my head, intensely.
perculating again.
not in a bad way.
i hope M is having fun at alex's party...
31 degrees.
crochet is very theraputic for me.
it's good for to be alone tonight
so i do not feel a burden upon anyone.
i can perculate and not worry that i might be bumming out anyone.
i need alone time sometimes.
this is a good thing and reasonable, i think.
M i miss you, tho.
you are my love.
10:39pm
well, i feel better now.
go figure.
my brain.
whatever.
hope it lasts.
listening to stereolab.
10:01pm
i managed to keep working on my bedspread
today so i had something to focus on and didn't feel completely unproductive.
at 1st i was really excited about it, then i did some things to it that made
me not like it so much, but i undid that and now it's a lot better.
i know that is a boring update.
but sometimes all you can do is just make it through the day without slashing
your wrists, so i feel happy that i worked on my bedspread instead. because
i have enough to figure out without worrying about "the other side"
and WTF are the rules there. y'know?
4:31pm
just can't get my head together
or make things feel "right"
it doesn't help that the days have been so dismal.
monday i can go pick up my prozac as i'll have some $.
i hope that will help me.
i am completelty listless. i have no motivation to do anything and everything
seems pointless to me.
all i want to do is lay on my bed and stare at the clouds or just go to sleep.
i hate my brain chemistry and how it works sometimes.
i feel so helpless.
tonight i will be sleeping alone, which will be weird.
m has a get together with friends an hour away and doesn't want to drive gome
because it will be late and stuff. he already works late as it is.
a train passes slowly by.
i'm listening to lali puna.
i'm trying to resist going back and laying on my bed wishing to not exist.
this, too, will pass. i know it.
it just really sucks to go through it.
+++
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