| october
17th , 2006 |
||
the next day:
read this with a grain of salt.
yes, these are my real feelings , at that time, that hour.
but they have been sorted through and dealt with.
the photos show more.
my fear in overload, he makes love to me and i melt.
all of it melts away.
not denial but TRUTH.
it is me who hurts me.
i love him so.
i am glad to be able to show u this side of things now.
but kow things are fleeting and ever evolving.
3:13pm
feeling more stable and calm about things.
washed and put ribbons in my hair.
i put cheese out to get room temp for M if he wants some when he comes home
with pumpernickel bread and grapes. all of which he bought.
he feeds me. i feed him. it all works out.
no reason for me to be trippin' out about area rugs and $40.
life is too short for that.
sometimes being in my head is the funnest place to be , and sometimes it's
not.
thank god he was at work while i did my flip out session.
if he is really hungry i'll make him scrambled eggs.
i'll dump out his ashtrays and wash his socks.
i love him and he gives back certainly and then some....
what a harsh and stupid day in my head.
i'm glad i'm out of that headspace.
i'm listening to morrissey's vauxhall and i.
6:02pm
one good thing about taking the clothing out of that closet is i am now wearing
a nice outfit io haven't in years.
so there is good things to rearrangements.
5:15pm
i'm going to mellow the fuck out.
i'm going to take a bath and put on something pretty and seduce my lover when
he comes home.
fuck the carpet.
fuck my fear.
fuck it all.
i refuse to give in to fear.
I REFUSE.
i make my life. i make my reality.
and it's beautiful and it doesn't have room and spastic flipping outs about
the fucking goddamn carpet.
i have a beautiful lover.
i have a beautiful life.
i am not going to self destruct or sabatoge it.
i'm gonna shave my legs and put on some sexy shoes.
fuck you fear.
4:38pm
the words make their way to the surface...
fears to be erased...
my horoscope yesterday:
Conflicts at home **
Be aware of any tendency toward anger or irritability during this time. This
signifies tension in your personal life that you should attend to. Ego energies
are running rather high on the home front during this time, and you may run
into conflicts at home. Be careful not to step on the toes of the people you
live with, but don't let them step on you either. The only problem to watch
for is that arguments triggered by this influence tend to be rather unconscious;
that is, each person argues as if programmed, not like a real, thinking person.
Old patterns are activated, and no one really addresses the current problem
as a new and unique situation with its own special solution. Many tensions
and pressures in your personal life can be released at this time if you avoid
the kind of trap described above.
mine today:
Domestic strife *
Valid during several weeks: This influence is a sign of great activity where
you live. Positive activity might be working hard around your home and getting
a great deal accomplished. You are very strong on having your surroundings
exactly the way you want. Of course, if someone else in the home has a different
point of view about this, you may have problems in coming to an agreement.
Domestic strife is another side of this influence that you may have to contend
with, if you don't make an effort to agree with the people you live with.
If you identify so strongly and uncompromisingly with the way you want your
home to be, you will force them to resist you. At times like this it is best
not to live with other people. This influence can also signify disputes with
others over land ownership and use.
and tomorrow:
Domestic affairs
Today you should attend to domestic affairs, your personal life, and family
matters. Also it is a good day to withdraw into yourself and think things
over. There are times when nothing is more important than getting in touch
with yourself and your personal work. Demoralizing ego defeats are quite likely
with this influence, if you concern yourself with matters that are not related
to your real, inner needs and concerns. That is why it is so important for
you to be alone or with your closest loved ones in your personal world. This
is the only way to determine what your real needs are and how you should satisfy
them. Within your personal sphere you can have very satisfying experiences
today.
----
this is certainly what i am experiencing right now, unfortunately and with
much difficulty.
and today could not be more of a dismal day. greyer than grey. a cold wet
cold grey. it hangs in the air chilling you to the bone. i turned on the heater
and also the oven.
last night M and i ordered a pizza from pizza hut and watched movies (suicide
kings and the messenger).
sadly the pizza made me totally sick even tho it was a veggie pizza. and i
still feel sick today.
not as in nauseous but the other way around.
had a horrible sleep full of nightmares, some really religioos but i think
that is because we watched the messenger right before sleep. but the other
is starting to be this recocurring one and very very puzzling. i can't figure
out what it means so perhaps by writing it down i can figure it out.
it started out as 1 dream a few months ago. i dreamed that i met jason's
new girlfriend (he doesn't have a girlfriend at the time right now, not that
i know of anyway...but at the time of this dream he was seeing someone but
now he is not). i dreamed i met her in public in sort of event, all i know
is i was standing next to her and jason was on the other side. i didn't talk
to him. she was dressed all in black, very neat and tidy, like something from
the late 50's. she had dark hair and a severe and proper look about her. i
did not want her to feel i was a threat to her. so i tried to talk to her.
she was naturally not at ease with this and wanted to know my intentions.
i asked her what sign she was and she said she was a scorpio. and i had to
laugh at this because i knew that jason was going to be in for some lessons
with this woman that would probably be good for him, i thought. i told her
scorpio was my favourite sign and i just tried to be nice and i can't remember
much more than that except that she was uncomfortable, i was trying to make
her feel i was not a threat, and i remember her being dressed in black and
very neat and clean, and looking like she came from a conservative family,
or had a very conservative streal in her. and she looked like she came from
money. she was very 'respectable" looking. and i thought this would be
a good match for jason since he is very into personal appearances and likes
to look affluent. she didn't look like a wild card or anything like i am seem
to be to him. she was likely to be more conventional and stick to "the
rules".
then i met her again in a dream in a public place. i can't remember what she
was wearing now, but it wasn't as severe, but it was still in dark colours.
she is a snappy dresser. the kind you could take to a fancy party or political
convention and everyone would find her attire to be appropriate and agreeable.
she was still very standofffish of me and again, i tried to engage her in
conversation in a way that would not be threatening to her.
but she kept me at a distance and i respected that.
then last night i dreamed of her again. but this time she was going out with a long time ago friend of mine named bill h. , who at one time, i had sort of "dated" off and on over the years inbetween long term relationships. i tried to make him be my actual boyfriend but he had way too many barriers up that i that i never could break through. he was a really strange guy, but i miss his friendship a lot and wish i could find him again. he was really fun to hang out with. definitely more of a friend than a lover. he was very eccentric. we were pretty much 99% platonic.
so in my dream this scorpio woman was going out with him. i stopped by his
house to say hi to him and he had a very nice house. very modern and nicely
decorated. now that i say this this guy might be a "stand in" for
jason, or whatever jason represents to me in these dreams as he now is being
depicted, in a way. i don't know. i really am confused. this time she is REALLY
harsh to me. she is dressed almost as a dominatrix, a tight black dress and
her hair in black in a severe bun. she seems able to politely tolerate me
for a certain time in the house, but then she tells me straight out that i
can never come there again and that i can never see bill ever ever again because
she is very posessive of him and very jealous and she will never tolerate
me in his life. she practically screams this at me and i am taken aback intensely.
i think it is halloween or mardis gras or some such festivity as i am dressed
as a 'sex clown" in pink sparkly pants and just really colourful, goofy,
and sexy. i let her know again that i am no threat to her and to treat me
this harshly is ridiculous and that there is no way i am going to cut my friendship
off with bill. i explain to her that he is my friend and has been for years
and that it is not her place to tell me whether or not i can see bill once
in awhile as a friend for a coffee or something. i say this is up to bill
and he can decide who his friends will be in his life. bill, just like jason
in the other dreams, is more of a person in the background that says nothing
and does not intervene in any way in any of my interaction with her. i don't
even really see him, i just know he is there in the background. i don't know
what he is feeling but i assume he is just sort of confused about what to
do. she goes ballistic on me. screaming at me to get out of her house, even
tho it's not her house, it's bill's, she is just dating him. 2 more of bill's
x girlfriend's show up, all of a sudden. coincidentally, they are also dressed
as sex clowns for this festival that is going on outside at night. they are
both very beautiful and also very friendly to me and kind and do not see me
as a threat at all. i tell them about what this new woman in bill's life has
been saying to me, that she is demanding that he see none of his x girlfriend's
and that she is going crazy about this. we all agree this is ridiculous and
she has crossed a line. none of us will give in to stop seeing bill or leave
the house. we try to get this new woman to lighten up and see that we are
not a threat. i think it is more than coincidence that we are all dressed
as sex clowns and i think this is the universe giving bill a sign to pay attention
to this. to see that all his past girlfriends are all very non threatening,
happy, kind people to have in his life and that this new woman, who is dressed
as a domanitrix, is being more than unreasonable.
he says nothing.
all of a sudden there is kind of a "girls gone wild" truck in the
house. and the house is kind of a bar/party atmosphere. but very dark. the
2 x girlfriends and i ham it up for the cameras rolling around in mashed potatoes.
we try to get everyone to just lighten up and not be so uptight. it doesn't
really work but i just shrug it off as best i can and decide to call it a
day and go home as my feet as very tired from being in high heeled shoes and
there are now mashed potatoes in my outfit and i'd rather just go home, take
a bath, put on pajamas and go to bed.
my dream splits off there into various other dreams...one being where i am
trying to find my way home but cannot and i am in a bad neighbourhood and
don't know where i am, i think i find a church and try to find refuge there,
another part splits off where an older woman, somehow part of my family, but
not my mother, but a kind strict no nonsense person, maybe she is my mother
in law? she tells me i can move in and save 500 bucks a month and in the end
i will have 51,000 to have a downpayment for a house.
i think this sounds like a good deal, but i am afraid of it as i must work
also work 40 hours a day in a job i am not really liking but isn't too bad
to just do it for a year.
then i realize i don't want to put down 51,000 down on a house. i just want
to buy a house for 51,000 and then owe nothing. i don't want to be in the
"system" of oweing money to a bank for years and years.
i'd rather live in a tent or a van. this dream then splits off into many other
dreams of various places i could live for really cheap, like a tent or a really
tiny fizer upper house, etc. everythuing is still dark and cold.
i can't figure out what to do. i feel like "running away from home"
and just saying fuck it to everything.
it seems a war is about to break out and i have to get to the other side of
the border before it becomes impossible to do so.
also a part of my dream is i become invisible in the hosue but this woman
can still see me and she tries to kill me as i run from room to room.
then a bigger part of the dream is i am standing in line at the bank with
this scorpio woman and now it is jason instead of bill going out with her.
jason is still behind her in the line and says nothing (also parallel to this
dream i am back working at ragstock working at the register). she still insists
that i have no part of jason's life. i finally start screaming for jason to
hear me and "wake up" to this situation as i try and write a cheque.
i don't know if i am doing a withdrawal or a deposit or if i am buying beer.
all of a sudden this is also a liquor store. the woman rings my total up wrong
because she has been listening to my screaming at jason that she gets distracted.
this is ok with her tho because we are friends, i used to work there and she
knows how it is and i know how it is and she laughs and voids out the total
and rerings it up. i wish i could remember how much it came to. i yell to
jason to get away from this woman as soon as possible, at 1st i was willing
to give her the benefit of the doubt but now i see she isto be a great danger
to jason. she is going to shut him off from the entire world and just control
him and break him down. i scream at him to get away RIGHT NOW before it's
too late. i see liquor we used to drink behind the counter when he used to
work behind the counter, too. our boss, the woman now ringing me up says it's
not ok to drink that on the job, it's ok to have a beer but not that. i try
and remember what that drink we used to make was. it is in a bucket behind
the counter and it is milky and light green. i remember it is jagermeister
and some horrible 99 proof cherry stuff, but what made it milky? i could remember
we googled it at one point to find out why, and it was because of the anise
in it which mixed with something else that made it turn milky (this is in
reference to jason and i trying absinthe long ago). i feel proud i can remember
this detail.
i go through the line and i am almost walking out of the bank/liquor store
but i am waiting for someone. a friend?
jason finally comes up to me and speaks to me because his new girlfriend is
now being waited on so his has some tiny minutes away. he tells me that he
is actually considering her "offer" which is that he "turn
in" all his freedoms and in return she will promise to not leave him.
he says this because she is very beautiful and thinks that at this point in
his life, this is as good as he can get. i cannot even believe what i am hearing
and i am so sad that he has sunk to this point and i don't know how to help
him or what more i can say...
i feel it is beyond my ability to help him and i just feel very very sad for
him.
so what in the hell does this dream mean?
it is me who has always been in the emotionally abusive relationships and
gives up freedoms.
why now is jason in the dream doing this? does jason represent an aspect of
myself?
and if so, what?
and who in the frickin hell is this scorpio woman?
is this also an aspect of me? are these all parts of my subconscious duking
it out?
at one point it makes sense as i am really battling it out inside of me to
not be afraid of M moving in.
but M is not abusive in the slightest way. is it just my fear he may become
that way?
am i afraid that if he moves in *I* may become the abuser instead?
that i may turn into this strict, cold, dressed in black scorpio like dom
out of fear?
i am fearful of losing my freedoms.
but M isn't making any demands of me at all.
but i am afraid of losing my personal space, which is so dear to me because
i feel it is the only space i have in this life. my apartment is the one and
only place i feel somewhat safe and that i can be alone and be me without
any fear that i may be a burden onto anyone and i can have things the way
i want them.
it took me so much inner work and freaking out to just take everything out
of the closet in my bedroom and put the clothes in the thing room to give
him a closet. all my clothes from that closet are now hanging from bungee
cords from the shelves in the thing room, blocking my access to the things
on those shelves.
and i feel like i am somehow moving backwards rather than forwards. i was
making more room in the thing room to be creative and alone and make a new
record and have space to "be". now i have a gigantic couch in there
that used to be jason's. which i love to sit in there very much. i now have
more BLACK shelves and dressers to put my things in, which made it a bit neater
in there but also more cramped at the same time. the giant black robot i bought
jason long ago looms over the room on the black dresser. it doesn't FEEL bad
to be in there with his things. at least that is what i tell myself? am i
lying to myself? am i in denial?
the other day when i was in the liquor store there was a palm reader there
because there was a festival going on outside. (oh, my dream). she read my
palm quickly saying that my life line was long and strong and i therefore
had great vitality. and the lines in my hands were delicate showing i was
very sensitive. i asked her about this one line in my hand i have always wondered
about. it think it is the fate line? but it branches off in 2 directions at
one point and i have always wanted to know what that meant. she said that
later in life i would be switching directions in my life and my path would
be more in line with my heart and because of some other line that went up
to my heart line. and that i would not have to worry about money so much.
she said this would be around age 40 and i said i am 40 now, which surprised
her.
then she did this goofy "magical fish" thing on my hand. it's a
red fish that is made of very thin plastic so the heat of your hand will make
it flop around in various ways.
it sounds silly to put any credence into a flopping plastic fish toy from
a palm reader in a liquor store, but that thing just curled up and rolled
right out of my hand. which she then said 'someone is lying to you" which
made me feel confused because i do not feel anyone is lying to me. and i pondered
it for a few seconds going through the list of people in my life, and then
she said 'it could also mean you are lying to yourself" which put a knot
in my stomache like that was a truth. but if this is true, how is it i am
lying to myself? she said i was probably not lying to myself since my "lines"
connected in a way that i was really in touch with my heart and mind and i
was not likely to lie to myself, which is also true.
the only 2 lies i can think of that i may be lying to myself are:
1. M should not move in. i am having him mov in because of fear about my finances and fear based decisions are never good. i should trust in the flow of life and not have him move in. it is too much for me right now. i just broke up with jason. things are going too fast and i need room right now to make this transition slower.
2. just suck it up and let M move in. my fear is getting the best of me and i am only afraid of him moving in because i am a damaged person who feels like she has very little controll over her life and so therefore must exert this control over her apartment as she feels it is the only control she has. to lose it would make her maybe go inside herself or be damaged further. just suck it up and live in reality. you can't afford that apartment anyymore so either have him move in or move out or something. that's life.
but i don't want to move out of my apartment. it IS the only place i have
ever felt safe.
it is mine and i love it.
i am finally in a place in which i feel comfortable and i feel is mine.
i finally got my keys back from jason only to give them to M in a matter of
weeks.
and now the thing room is full of things from my old life with jason and a
bunch of my clothes on bungee cords.
and i feel utterly fucking freaked out about this. i'm TRYING to rationalize
this away. i am TRYING SO HARD to be RATIONAL. M is kind and good and mellow.
he will help me pay the rent so i can keep my apartment. he owns very little.
everything he owns can fit into his small car. all he needs is my smallest
closet in my bedroom for his things. what is the big fucking deal? so i have
to move the clothes into the thing room. i don't wear 99% of those things
anyway. why don't i just get rid of them? why don't i just get rid of 1/2
of everything i own?
goddamit, what is my motherfucking problem? why can i not undamage myself?
why do i have to feel so unsafe all the time? i feel like a big fucking freak
and a total baby.
families in india could probably cram 4 generations of people into my apartment
and sleep on top of each other.
why can't i just DEAL WITH IT??? i feel like i am damaged beyond repair. i
am now afraid to have a kind and good person live with me because of all the
very unkind people i have lived with. i can't unring that bell. and i'm SCARED
SHITLESS of doing more damage to myself or putting myself into a position
again where more damage could occur to me. even tho ALL SIGNS point to the
fact that NO DAMAGE will occurr to me i am scared bloody shitless about anyone
moving in here. anyone.
i feel completely absolutely resistant to it.
so what does this mean? does this mean i am completely fucked up beyond repair?
or is my heart trying to tell me i am lying to myself? my heart says one thing,
my head says another.
if i can't pay the rent on my apartment i will be homeless or be living in
place i don't want to and feel less safe. if i have anyone move in i will
not be homeless and i will be still at the place i love but i will still feel
unsafe. i feel like i am just forced to pick which sort of unsafe do i want
to feel? i feel fuct in whatever choice i make. i feel completely out of control
and hopeless.
do i resist my resistance and just give up and "force" myself to
rethink and relearn my personal space and boundaries AGAIN. or do i force
myself to think of some frickin way to pay my rent other than having someone
move in. god knows i've WRACKED my brain about this for so so long. it's not
like i haven't thought up just about every possibility in the book and having
3 dogs really closes a lot of options.
everything he brings over slowly from his apartment feels threatening to
my "feng shui"
he throws his dark blue comforter with old pillows with light blue covers
on them onto my all white bed.
dark blue feels opressive to me. i am into warm reds right now. light blue
reminds me of hospitals.
i freak out internally and drink and think about what a freak i am for freaking
out about something so minor.
i put white covers on his crinkly pillows. i want to throw them out the window
but i try and see the good side in that we now have more pillows and this
is comfortable. and i can buy a duvet and make his comforter "fit"
the bed.
no big deal!
he smokes and i am starting to resent this. not a good sign.
i told him that to move in here he must get down to 3 cigarettes a week. he
wasn't really a smoker when i met him.
why did he become one now? i feel partially responsible since i had so many
packs of cigarettes i would buy as props and i let him smoke them all and
now he's addicted although he won't admit it really.
he tries to go outside and smoke, go in the bathroom and smoke, open a window
and smoke. all of it makes me miserable. i've dated smokers before. in fact
my 1st 2 long term relationships were smokers. maybe this is triggering in
me feelings about these past relationships that were abusive to me. i think
johnny depp smokes, would i be so upset if johnny depp were in my house smoking
or would i start to resent that, too?
yes, this is my fine logic at work here.
and really who cares about cigarettes, we all inhale in so much toxic shit
in our lives now, who cares and we all might be killed by an oncoming bus
tomorrow.
i see the ashtray and it's in my "wealth" corner of my house. i'm the one who put it there. i put a table there for his things, like keys , cell phone, cigs, book he is reading, wallet, etc. it's on a table i bought then gave to jason as a present and then he gave it back to me and when i took it back, the very second i picked it up to bring it to my house the lowest shelf of glass broke on it which i took to be a bad omen but tried to be "rational" about it again and say it wasn't and i was just being ridiculous.
i'm seeing a side of me come out that i do not like and did not know it was
there.
this scorpio woman?
will i become what i despise? controlling, passive aggressive and resentful
to the point of abusive?
to myself? to him?
how do i keep this "in check"?
i feel like i have finally wrestled my things and my life away from controlling
men.
and now i feel like a controlling man with M.
i feel i have worked SO HARD for this 1 inch of space what it feels like)
only to just "give it up" to another man, yet again. my fear is
on overdrive although M has done NOTHING to deserve any of this. he has only
been helpful and kind.
but still i hang on to the little resentments that SHOULDN'T mean anything
to me, but because of my past abuse are magnified by my paranoia 100 times
over.
i am afraid of damaging him or hurting him in any way because of my own warpedness.
but it's warpedness that comes from hard cold reality of my life so far.
it doesn't come from an irrational place.
of course there are things we need to work out to live together. like he tries to be helpful at thw wrong times for me. like vacuum at night when i am nervous. or vacuum at night when i have just sat down to eat my food. i told him vacuuming is a day thing. you can't see what you are vacuuming at night to which he agreed was logical.
then yesterday was a bright and shiny day. he sleeps until 4pm. i get up
at noon.
it's his day off. he's worked long hard schedules. but now it's the DAY and
if he wants to vacuum now would be the time. i say nothing. waiting for him
to vacuum. part of the deal is is that he pays less rent because he makes
less money and therefore makes up for it by cleaning more. but on your day
off, of course you'd like to lie in bed and watch movies. i crochet in the
other room until he wakes up. the sunlight leaving the bedroom with each hour
and i want to photograph the things i have made in with yarn in the sunlight
but don't want to wake him. i know that for the next week it will be cloudy
and so this is the last good day to photograph things for awhile. like a scarf
i made i want to sell because i am freaking out about money.
i just give up and continue to crochet and then try and let go of my fear
and watch movies with him.
he wants to go out and eat and all i can think of is that i don't know how
i am going to pay my electric bill.
i know that money problems are one of the #1 reasons why couples break up.
i don't want to go down that road.
he seems to have this unrealistic expectation that because we live together
we are going to have more money, but we are not. we are just not going to
be as struggling, but that doesn't mean we have money to burn. it just means
that we don't have to struggle AS hard to make ends meet.
i wonder if i am just being negative or if i am being realistic.
all of a sudden i am feeling like how jason was with me. even tho we split
everything down the middle except when we went out to eat which i made it
clear to him that he never had to pay for me and that it was his choice to
do so and that if he didn't want to pay for dinners that i could not afford
anymore, he could go out to eat by himself.
there isn't anything i could do about it. i simply make less money than he
does.
now it seems the tides have turned and it's the other way around for me. except
it sucks because i am not raking in money like jason is.and i feel bad to
have M clean on his day off or clean when he comes home from a long day at
work, and nighttime is never a good time for that kind of cleaning anyway.
so how is this going to work out?
i am the one home in the day, so i end up cleaning. but it's not like i don't
work...i WANT to work on my creative projects so i can make money! but i spend
time cleaning.
i can't figure out how to juggle this.
we both have to rearrange our lifestyles a bit to live with each other. and
it's not rocket science.
i am so confused about everything i want to shrink into a ball and disappear.
but i am fighting my depression with everything in my arsenal despite the
fact that i cannot afford my prozac. it's just sitting at the drugstore waiting.
but i have to pay for the phone and electric before i can get that.
i am hanging on by a thread to my sanity. i am trying with all my might to
be rational and logical.
to do everything above board. to put everything in the open. to be an adult.
to know when to compromise and when to not.
but i don't know. i'm making this up as i go along.
M is 25 and not hardened to life in the way i am. not completely damaged by
it and by god, i don't want to be the one to damage him in any way. i will
NOT be an accomplice to it. no fucking way.
and i'm not going to be his mother and tell him when to clean or be some
freaking co-dependent trying to get him to stop smokiing. god knows i have
my vices , too, so who i am to say? the only thing i CAN say is not in my
house.
but now it is becoming his house, too. but only $500 bucks his house, the
other $1,500 of it is mine. but what does that MEAN exactly? and do i really
want to break it down like that? no!
how do i make my boundaries clear and respected without becoming and overly
dominating person? my worst fear in all the world..to become what i hate.
i'm always the one to concede and shrink into the corner and make myself invisible
and accomodating.
how do i NOT do that and NOT turn into an asshole?
i don't know how.
i really don't. i'm trying to learn.
i can't stand this lesson anymore.
i just want to make art.
i spend SO much energy struggling for space without harming anyone, in the
end, it harms me, and god, i just want to MAKE ART in MY OWN SPACE. is that
just too much to ask of this universe?
am i creating this reality?
is all of this my fault for not thinking more "positively" and all
that goddamn chicken soup for the soul go with the flow thing. goddamit goddammit.
where where where do i find the balance? how can i not be so fearful?
how can i GET WHAT I WANT?
how can i break free of these negative patterns???
I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS.
PLEASE UNIVERSE SHOW ME HOW.
I FUCKING SURRENDER.
and , M i hope you will not freak out and break up with me after reading
this.
even tho that is my fear,
but i cannot live in fear anymore. i HAVE to be myself. i HAVE to get this
out and say what is on my mind so it does not fester in me like a black oil.
i can fester anymore. i just CANNOT.
what will be will be.
i am not trying to push you away but rather give you insight into my brain
and tell you how much i want this to work out. i am laying all my cards on
the table because i have to. i can't go back to secrets and festering.
i want to get back to sex and communion with you.
i want to work on things together. i want to lift each other up to be better
people.
i want you to shine as bright as you can. i don't want you to feel uncomfortable
and wonder whether or not you should vacuum and if so, what time. i want you
to write and feel safe, comfortbale, and happy.
god, i hate all this material world bullshit.
of course you and i are both romantics and we could just say to hell with
vacuuming.
god, i don't know.
and now you are at work and as much as i also want this time alone, i don't
right now because i am eager to know if you can accept me with these flaws
i have here and am trying to work through. you aren't doing anything wrong.
i am just damaged and i am trying to repair myself. i am letting you know
who i am and my inner workings right now so you can make choices for yourself
based on FACT. i will not pretend to be something i am not for you, and i
know you do not want that either. so i will not pretend to be OK right now
because i am not OK.
all my fear buttons are being pressed right now due to past circumstances
that have nothing to do with you.
and it's your choice as to whether or not you want to be with me as i work
through them or not.
i just want to let you know what you are getting yourself into.
it's no shangri la, although it could be if we get this down and i could come
from a place not based in fear.
maybe it just takes time to trust for me again.
maybe i am being to hard on myself. i feel like i am being too hard on you.
i don't want you to pick up any bad vibes from me and then me pretend i am
OK, because that is confusing and accomplishes nothing. if i have learned
anything i have learned that. and i will not repeat that mistake again by
pretending i am OK when i am not OK. it's damaging to everyone because then
no one can make any real life choices based on fact. just guesses and wishful
thinking.
i am frightened to the core of my being to bring this into the open.
i am scared shitless to be so honest about all my inner workings, freaking
outs and short comings and quirks.
i am afraid you will go "this is too much for me to handle"
and i would understand that if you should decide that. totally reasonable.
i have to lay my guts right out there. because i have to understand now how
to never ever let damage happen to me again or damage anyone.
i'm trying my best.
but sometimes that is not good enough, i know.
jason and i made that discovery.
god, this life is so full of pain and complications.
why?
i want to be back in the tub with you talking in english accents.
i don't want to watch movie after movie with you as we lie in bed and you
smoke and we order pizza.
although there is a time and place for that, absolutely.
but i am scared crapless of that becoming a habit as it did with jason and
i.
a way to be together without actually connecting.
not like we have to be "connecting" all the time. that would be
exhausting.
but at the same time i need alone time. so i have a giant conflict going
on in me right now.
i'm trying to work it out.
i hope you can be patient with me and and i know you will be honest with me
back.
i hate all this working shit out.
i just want to dance and fuck and make art, ok?
i love you.
i'm sorry i'm so weird.
i'm pmsing and i need my prozac and it's damn dismal out.
let's make a bath tonight and please hold me.
kiss the fear out of me.
fuck the vacuuming.
god, just, i'm sorry...
help me make this into a home for you too with no damage to either of us.
there has to be a way.
give me time to heal.
i'm sorry i am so much work.
but i guess i must be.
i don't know.
you'll be home in a few hours and maybe all of this will have melted away
by then.
thank you for having the courage to come into my little orb of a world full
of joy, wonder and fear, little dogs, and lots of yarn and cameras.
thank you for loving me when i "get like this"
thank you for having faith in me.
thank you for always having room for hugs
thank you for ordering me a pizza when i have pms
thank you for daring to stick your finger in pie, in the kindest way possible
and sharing with me your gentle nature
here's more on the horoscopes for everyone this week:
Yeah it's coming, but not until Saturday. We have the
dark of the moon week. Time to clean out, confront the
closet and get real with ourselves. Tuesday through
Wednesday we're passing through a beam of special
light, there are links in the Starry Eyed column, so thoughts
prayers and musings are amplified a million fold. So in the
line of grama thinking, "if you can't think anything good, don't
think anything at all"
It's an active week. We're in the waning or dark of the Lunar cycle, so secrets,
deeper ambitions, hints of tragedy could be floating in the winds. Now is
the time to clear the boards. The New Moon comes on Friday and we'll all have
a chance to hit the reset button and start over. You can just throw it all
in the trash, paint and start anew. Usually it's not like that, so we must
address the four corners of our lives and do the survey. Especially in those
areas that we don't often look toward. The coming Libra new Moon could bring
some resolution if you've done some of the ground work.
Monday is a day that could have us all spinning in circles, there is a lot of action. Stay away from the drama channel! Internal or external there will be a lot of that going around. Sift through the theatrical actions and words for the deeper simpler meaning. The Moon is drifting Void most of the day and doesn't go into Virgo until late in the night. There will be some whiplash from the weekend to deal with. Saturn gets a lot of play this week and it starts today. So the subtle and not so subtle reminders from cosmos as to where you are REALLY shouldn't go unheeded. In some instances there isn't much you can do immediately on the physical plane, but you can relate to mental and emotional frustrations by putting them in their place. Usually these are tape-looped thoughts. Today is a good day to tell the mind, "yeah I heard that before, got anything new?"
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