| september
28th, 2006 |
||
5:28pm
today was a bad spinning day for
me. i thought i'd be into it but i just wasn't.
i'm catching a cold for one and i feel rundown.
i was also working with this crap fiber i got way back when i 1st was learning
to spin and it was not satisfying to me at all to work with it.
life is too short to spin crappy fiber.
also the colours were nasty. i could have taken more time to mix it better
and make it more interesting but i was too impatient and lazy.
impatience and laziness does not make a good yarn.
you can't always throw things together willy nilly and expect it to turn out
aewsome everytime.
yesterday that plan worked, today it did not. and i have some massively ugly
yarn now.
i think i will try and dye it or something later on to see if it is salvagable.
felt it. i dunno. use it as a base for something else to crochet over.
as for the rest of my crappy fiber i bought when i did not know enough about
fiber to tell the difference, i think i may just try felting it into little
balls that i can add into other things. it's just miserable to spin it.
dusty and crumbly with specks of hay in it and god knows what else.
i'm going to go play with it in some soapy water and see what happens if i
do that.
if it doesn't felt into balls, i'll just throw it away or something.
there has to be SOMETHING i can do with it.
blesh to cheap fiber.
it's interesting to see how my tastes in fiber and yarn have changed since
the beginning of me working with it up until now.
and i really need to get a drum carder.
3:49pm
watch this:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3592217964261572444
1:32pm
12:32pm
i'm still trying to recover from
the whole video card fiasco.
that just drained the living crap out of me.
it seems that new video cards, or at least the one i had is not compatible
with old webcam software.
i just feel like webcams, the way that i work with them, is a form that no
one is doing anymore and so no one is updating anything to help things stay
compatible with each other.
this is scary to me, and i hope i can find someone, someday, to make me my
own software that is compatible with the new hardware.
jason could do this. he is a software architect, but he just is so busy with
his other job, he never has had time to ever help me make anything like that,
which is really too bad.
he is one of the best in the business and even google wanted to hire him and
let him live in switzterland the other day.
i'll never really understand why he never wanted to join me on the anacam
project, fully, and make it into the incredible thing it should be, all the
things i see in my head.
it would have been so much fun. we could have created worlds and new ways
of people to communicate and make art.
i guess it would have been more of a labour love than a labour to create cash.
and the stability of a regular job with benfits such as 401k's and health
insurance meant more to him than adding something unique to the planet.
i don't know...he does have his condo now, and if a great depression or WW3
does not come upon us, he is set for life.
while i remain finanicial as unstable as ever.
but i really do believe that if we had just worked together on the beautiful
things i see in my head, money would have come naturally. we might not be
rolling in cash, but we would have certainly been comfortable and happy, which
is all i want or need.
and the things we would have made would have been beautiful, unique and made
people think in new ways.
it could have been a sort of "burning
man" on the web.
but it seems to me to either be i am so ahead of my time no one can understand
what i am talking about, or i just pick the wrong people to tell my ideas
to, or else i am a highly ineffectual communicator/motivator.
or a combination of all of these, or something else i just have not thought
of.
maybe it is just not "in the cards" for any of my visions to be
fully realized. and so i do a little of this and do a little of that and try
to just keep going and make small versions of things that i am capable of
doing. and i just hope some day the universe will let me meet the person who
can help me technically and financially to realize the visions i have for
things.
i'm having a hard time not feel a bit bitter and sulky about it all today.
but i just have to pick myself up and keep going.
and i either try to soothe myself or con myself i into the idea that there
must be some reason i am blocked from doing so many things that i just cannot
see.
like perhaps i have chosen a life of restrictions so that i can become stronger
through these trials.or maybe i am not motivated enough. or maybe i make terrible
decisions.
i certainly have made some terrible decisions, indeed.
i've also made some good ones.
maybe i am being too hard on myself. and maybe i am not being hard enough.
i just can't tell sometimes.
i look back on this year and think, just what the fuck did i get done?
last night i couldn't think of anything and then i remembered i did do the
sex worker's art show, i did go to canada and learn to do hair extensions
and much more than that, i did make some nice photographs, i broke up with
a boyfriend i should have years ago, i got a new boyfriend.
i worked through a lot of inner battles.
i came to a truce with my mother.
i did make it to portal, north dakota for my birthday.
i survived to 40 years of age.
i didn't finish my movie, but i went to portal.
i didn't make my record, but i did buy new equipment to make it.
i didn't finish my taxes but i made some effort in that.
there are still 3 more months left to this year.
and these are the things i hope to achieve:
1. finish my fucking taxes
2. get the rest of this beige carpet out of here and paint my floors silver.
3. crochet a king sized bedspread all out of handspun yarn.
i've been wanting to make a king
sized bedspread for years now and i may as well just get that out of my system,
and that doesn't take a lot of brain power to do, it just takes a lot of continuous
effort.
i started on it last night and worked on it until my hands gave out.
so , no amazing lofty ideals right
now.
just things which take repetition until finished.
to give my brain a rest from "art"
and sulking about all my "visions of grandeur" which seem to have
come to a screeching halt due to low finances, etc.
maybe if i just do these things,
things will fall into place.
maybe i will attain a state of grace again and calm my weary soul from so
much fear and anxiety.
i will cook, and i will clean.
i will keep on keeping on.
i will make the soup and the string.
i will keep taking pictures.
and will keep writing.
and i will make it through this rough patch.
i will just keep on doing what i can and not dwell on what i can't.
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