| september
4th 2006 |
||
5:44pm
ok, i'm feeling better about things
now.
just working things through.
it helped to take a bath, do laundry and put fresh sheets on the bed.
listen to some 80's music.
everything will be ok.
i'll go for a walk later with M, if he feels up for it, and that'll be good.
watch some more of the HBO show "deadwood"
we watched 5 episodes of it last night.
4:59pm
haha!
thanks to bayarts for the link :)
3:38pm
i feel really crappy today. physically,
emotionally....
i feel so overwhelmed.
i'm just trying to keep on top of things like the daily mundane tasks of everyday
life so i do not sink into a pit of despair anymore than i am.
im listening to generation 80's on live365.
trying to get motivated now.
was up for awhile cleaning and as soon as M left i fell back to sleep.
i guess i just don't want to be awake right now.
i have ZERO energy.
it's a beautiful day out.. 74 and sunny.
i should go for a walk and clear the cobwebs from my soul.
it's money that has me the most stressed.
it's due tomorrow. but even if my dad fedexes me money, it's still not going
to make it in time for me to not get their huge $100 fine.
months of living on the edge like this is really getting to me.
i'm sick of cleaning.
i'm sick of eating cheap food.
i took some vitamins jason gave me.
maybe i should do this 14 day liver cleanse thing he gave me, but what do
what it really do since i am on medications?
i'm confused.
my face is breaking out.
i walk past jason's door in this building and it's so weird to know he is
not in there.
i'm both excited about M moving in next month and fearful.
i hope it works out. this place is not big.
i hope i don;t get on his nerves or vice versa.
i'm afraid.
i've lived alone for so long now it is going to be such an adjustment.
or maybe it won't be. maybe it will just seem fine and normal.
i don't know.
i just don't want to screw anything up.
so much adjustment. i feel like a wound up kitten right now.
anxiety.
maybe he can hold me tonight and i will feel reassured.
i mean, what am i so afraid of?
i think it must be just ingrained in me from too many crappy relationships.
they guys get controlling, i start feeling in the way and suffocated.
my house is the only place i feel like i can not feel this way.
there is no indiction this will happen with M.
but it's still ingrained in me, the years of fear i have gone through.
perhaps this will be healing for me.
but then i feel i will be a burden on him with my insecurity.
god, i am just in a "fear spiral" right now, and i am only guessing
and i'm living too much in the future, second guessing things maybe.
fuck , i gotta chill out.
i'll do some laundry.
everything will be ok.
god.
i sold a hat today.
i need to get back to crocheting.
i haven't even figured out my 8 track yet.
this year is almost over with.
what do i have to show for it?
i guess i broke with jason.
that was pretty huge.
but man, give me a year that is not so INTENSE.
i want to wake up happy about projects i am working on.
not working on relationship things.
except M, that is not work.
he makes me happy naturally.
i shouldn't be scared for him to move in.
it's just so much adjustment, that's all.
*deep breaths*
11:56pm
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