| august
12th , 2006 |
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11:22pm
M is here.
i can sigh relief.
8:57pm
i love this new muse record so much it hurts.
it's so intense i cannot even take it all in.
sensory overload.
it's the kind of record you either want to fuck to or kill yourself to.
but you wouldn't be able to kill yourself until the end of the record because
it's too good to die during it. you have to hear every song.
but then you need to hear it again.
so, in the end, it keeps you alive.
i fucking love it.
i can't even stand it.
how does it even exist?
how am i able to listen to it and remain in one piece?
i want to eat this record.
i want it inside of me.
it's good that i can play it over and over, like an everlasting gobstopper.
i am gluttonous for it.
i just want to drink and fuck.
goddamn the pisces moon.
gluttunous overly emotional merging sulking pining longing confused pisces
moon.
making me feel like bleeding or drowning.
it's hell for a triple fire sign like me.
all that water just makes me want to burn all the hotter and brighter to stay
alive.
i'm like fuck YOU pisces moon, you won't drown ME.
i'll burn you to the ground.
needless to say i am glad to be going out with a fellow fire sign instead
of a water sign which is what practically every other boyfriend has been.
i want to burn burn burn like a phoenix.
funny i am going to take a bath right
now :)
and i'm drinking a big glass of water.
8:32pm
i need my creativity back.
give it back, man.
7:32pm
haven't read my horoscope in awhile.
one said this:
Emotional attitudes
Weak, transient effect: Certainly, today during the day emotional attitudes
figure more prominently than usual. You should be careful not to lose your
objectivity in a discussion or lose your sense of perspective. But you will
not feel particularly good or bad with this influence; rather, you will feel
any emotion more strongly. Sometimes there is a tendency to attract things
to you at this time. Women may also be more important to you than usual. Objects,
persons and places that are familiar to you are very important at this time
because you need emotional reassurance from your surrounding. You may try
to withdraw from others or from confrontations with unfamiliar or strange
situations. This is not a negative condition; it arises out of a need to be
by yourself for a while.
which is certainly the case today.
except i do not want to be by myself i want m to come over and hug me.
he gets off work at 9:30pm.
but then i see his horoscope says this:
Do nothing
Weak, transient effect: This influence, although brief, can have a disruptive
effect on your relationships. The problem is that it tends to make you feel
very lonely and isolated, as if there is no one you can communicate with.
And this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps unconsciously you send
out signals to others declaring that you do not want to be bothered. You may
get into a depressed mood that baffles the people around you, so they give
up on you for the time being and stop trying to help you. There is a strong
tendency to look on the dark side of life and to react much more strongly
to disappointments and failures than to reinforcement from others and success.
The best way to handle such feelings is to do nothing. Don't take them seriously
and don't make any decisions based on the way you feel now.
gah.
i hope we both can get around these obstacles and lift each other up and not
drag each other down. it is usually that way, so i don't see why we cannot
do that today, too. i think we can.
the sun seems to be going down already.
wtf.
everyday i sweear the day becomes 1 hour shorter in daylight.
now i am listening to jonny greenwood's
solo record, the guitarist from radiohead.
it is called "body song" and it's very obviously heavily influenced
by ron geesin's record "music from the body".
both records which are very nice :)
very early instrumental floyd influence.
i should go out before it's dark
and get some food or something. i should take a bath.
i should email my dad.
6:46pm
Me'Shell Ndegeocello wanted me to
add her to her my space friends, or her record company did is more the case,
i'm sure, since i received no note and bands do that all the time.
anyway, it made me go, oh ya, i wonder what she is up to, and so i went and
illegally downloaded her cd called "bitter"
(so much for artists making money, ya, sorry Me'Shell!)
anyway, it's incredible. and it's everything i feel right now about my dream.
weird how little things connect.
i'll probably end up buying this cd.
i'll go put it on my wishlist now.
which is one step closer to buying it.
the dr. called reminding me of my
appointment i have on monday at 11am.
i forgot to cancel it. the time moved fast.
now i feel i must go because i do not want to piss off the only doctor on
the list that i actually felt a connection with.
so now i am forced to probably ask my dad if he can pay for it, because i
cannot.
it's so humiliating.
5:55pm
that nap sucked bigtime.
massively long nightmares.
anxiety.
i lived in this other family and i saw from every angle how each person within
that family could ruin that family for generations. and variations upon variations
of that.
how every action affected another even if it was a small white lie, so they
thought.
it was horrible. i saw my family financially ruined, people drowned, fingers
of all the children purposefully broken and mangled forever by the law in
front of the town, people go to jail only to return to jail 5 minutes later
on false charges.
things about love, sex, lust, money, guilt, shame, drugs, where did the responsibility
lie?
one person would accuse another only to have their own weaknesses pointed
back to them in return so they could see what part they had in the tragedy,
too.
i saw myself as a little girl, accidentally bludgeoned in the head, bleeding
to death in a car with another person my age. and the other friend had gone
to run for help. but the bleeding from my head was too much and i slowly began
to become very sleepy and i knew that i was going to die as soon as i closed
my eyes.
i told the person in the car to tell my mom and dad that i loved them, and
tell my boyfriend that i love him but please don't tell him that i cheated
on him because i didn't wanty him to remember me that way.
to have to deal with not only the grief of my deeath but the grief and anger
that i had cheated on him so he could not even remember me fondly.
it was unbelievable. i feel shaken to my core and sick.
but i also saw small glimpses of how this family could work together or how
one person's sacrifice could save the entire family many generations later.
and i even caught small glimpses of how this could affect others that are
not in the family.
it was horrrible beyond horrible, like a drama that would never end.
anxiety layered upon anxiety.
i'm just shaking right now.
i have to get this dream out of me.
i have to clean my house.
i feel disgusted with myself and a feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming
sorrow.
disgusted with myself in that dream even tho i have never done any of those
things or have been in that family, the dream was so real i feel as tho i
have.
and i so i feel a horrible feeling right now and i've got to get back to HERE
and NOW.
that dream.
why did i have it??
god.
don't i have enough stress in my own life that i could use a rest from the
stress of "past" lives i might have had or whatever the fuck that
dream was about?
jesus christ, can't i just get a BREAK from this shit?
i'm TRYING the best i can!
i realized the other day that my
mom and dad have been emailing me wayyyyyyy less frequently. as in not at
all.
i have a very strong suspicion this is because my mom has seen all nude all
week on my cam, or read my LJ about all nude all week.
or she has accidentally tuned into my cam while M and i were having sex.
and then she told my dad.
and so they are doing the "better to say nothing than anything"
thing because they know that #1 bitching to me about it will only cause despair
for everyone. and #2 they know i am in a fragile place and so don't want to
rock the boat.
these are good decisions on their part, if it is , in fact, that they cannot
say ANYTHING to me that is good if i do these things.
i would rather them say nothing.
but at the same time them saying nothing is just another kind of stress that
makes me feel really bad.
i should just email them mabout it but i cannot bear what i might hear back
if my predictions are right.
i just cannot deal if their reactions to my email will be negative, and so
i say nothing either.
bits more of the dream come back to me and there are parts to the dream i
don't even want to write down.
because they are too hurtful and sickeningly they are true.
i feel sick and disgusted and overwhelmed by life in general. all of life.
i know this will pass and i will come back to here and now but right now i
am in the thick of it.
it's disgusting to me.
all the needless pain. all the stupid actions.
most of them brought upin just because we live in bodies that have hormones
and need food and money to survive.
this earthly plane and this way of learning lessons is slow and painful and
torturous.
i can't believe i just went through all that and WHY?
WHY is the question!
to learn how to deal with finances?
to learn not to lie?
and then what do we do with all these complicated desires connected with the
body.
some just basic like food, shelter, clothing and others more complex like
sex and love.
what IS this????
what is this FOR???
just what the fuck is the purpose of all of this??
i am disgusted with myself, and i am disgusted with my entire family.
there are things about my family i wish i could discuss but can't because
it would cause too much harm.
all these lies. all this hiding.
all this shame and guilt.
it makes me sick.
it sickens me to my very core.
all this needless suffering because of fear of retribution or shame or death
or pain or just poor communication skills and lack of empathy or compassion,
in general. cluelessness.
i want out of this game for the 1st time.
i do.
god, get me out of the matrix.
i suppose the answer is to feel compassion.
especially for myself.
but where does THAT lead?
would good does it ULTIMATETLY do?
i'm TRYING to understand so i can have some PEACE.
i'm just going to go clean off all
the dog hair off the carpet now and play music really loud.
i don't know what else to do.
1:44pm
saw gary numan last night.
wow!
he and david bowie need to have a dance off!
he is one INTENSE mutha.
and he is STRONG.
man, i have never seen anyone move like that with that much intensity and
sensuality for that long of a period of time.
i had no idea.
then i went tio youtube and watched old gary numan videos, and lo and behold
he has always moved like a cat man. i didn't know! all i've ever seen of him
"live" is the video for "cars".
i had no idea that man could move like that.
damn!
and his singing is gotten really better, really strong.
and the tension between jason and i dissolved a bit more, which was a relief
and we had a good time together.
and i saw fuzzy and gave her 2 hats and a zap mama cd.
and gary numan was ALL OVER this
woman in the very front with HUGE breasts and big red hair and hooker dress.
and i was like, well, i guess we all know who gary numan is going to be fucking
tonight. but we found out today it is his wife which makes it sweet and not
so sleazy.
and this really drunk chick came up to the stage and gary touched her and
told her something.
i assumed he wanted to give her a back stage pass, too.
but my assumptions were wrong as i guess he was just asking her if she was
OK according to a source who saw it on the floor.
so gary is an intense dance machine AND a really nice guy.
i love him all the more.
he and bowie need a dance off, tho.
really.
it has to be done.
horoscopes from: