| august
11th , 2006 |
||
3:28pm
before M left for work today we had
fabulous sex on cam, only to find that the webcam had frozen and none of it
had gotten through.
this webcam software freezing up situation is sooooooo frustrating to me!
i really do not know what to do!
i am at a loss....
i'm glad that we did that before
he left because today is "jason day"
and so i need some M inside of me to make sure i do not go nuts and the moon
is in pisces which is always a bit of a downer for me (but so far it has not
been).
the second M left i opened trillian and jason IMed me right away that he needed
my help for feng shui ideas for his new condo. he moves in a week.
so, i said i would do that if he bought me a coke :)
so i got a coke and we walked over there and i gave him my ideas about where
i thought things should go.
and he was really thankful for that.
my ideas were really helpful to him. i am glad.
i think i did help because where he wanted to put the couch was all wrong,
imo.
it's weird to help him on this condo thing. i help him pick out light fixtures,
what colour paint for each wall. etc etc.
i am happy he is so happy but it is bittersweet for me, even tho i am also
happy.
here is a picture of me in his kitchen (unfinished) that he took a bit ago
he just emailed me:
i don't look very happy in that picture!
but i swear i was not as unhappy as that picture depicts!
it is also so weird that we break
up and then get the same hairstyle.
life is strange.
at 7:15pm i leave with him to go
see gary numan at the fine line!
i have never seen gary numan before live, so this is thrilling to me! :)
i can't believe i am actually going to see him.
he is legendary to me.
i've heard his sound is more industrial
these days.
i don't know what to wear as i am all puffed out.
i want to dress up all fabu because it's gary numan, but i feel like just
wearing my jeans today.
i wish i wasn't so puffed so i could wear my silver mini dress.
so today and tonight are spent with jason.
it's still weird for us to see each other and we still fall back on calling
each other pet names and such out of habit and we try to stop, and then feel
uncomfortable, and then talk about how hard it is to stop the habit, since
we've been doing it for almost 9 years!
he made a little movie of his condo and i am in it because, well, i am in
his condo and so it was hard not to be in it, so i did goofy moves in the
movie tip toeing across floors and jumping out from behind counters.
it's pretty funny.
jason came over and played with the
pups for awhile and they were glad to see him, especially sebastian who loves
to play with his jack with jason, fetching and stuff.
jason misses the dogs a lot. i always told him that if we broke up it will
be the dogs he misses the most.
he's known sebastian and deiter for all their lives and pooka for almost all
of his , so far.
he taught them all how to shake.
it's really hot out today and humid.
i already feel a little jasoned out. he is so intense and obsessive, even
when he is happy.
but that is one of the things i also like about him, i just don't want to
be around him 24/7 like that anymore because it gets to be too much...he is
so into regiments and order to the point of compulsion sometimes.
tomorrow he starts some 21 day cleansing thing he bought a book for.
and in october he is going to go on this bicycle tour of france, each minute
of the ride totally already planned out.
what they will eat, where they will go, what they will see, where they will
stop.
jason likes things like that. and that's cool.
it works for him and it works for a lot of people.
and he is highly motivated and intense about things.
that is how he got his master's degree and climbed the corporate ladder to
the point where he could get that condo.
now he just has to pray his income stays the same for the next 20 or 30 years
or for however long it takes to pay off his condo.
it sure is nice tho. hope he can pull it off.
i feel a tiny bit bitter about it because i feel like i gave a piece of my
soul for that condo, too, for all i endured.
but that was my choice. and i take full responsibility for it.
i'm just glad i made it out in time.
it just kind of irks me that i sold my soul for that long but not long enough
to reap the heavy benefits.
but then i know even if i did live in that luxury condo with him, i would
be utterly miserable and i have to remind myself that it no reward at all
but just a continuing hell in a nicer place.
like a caged bird in a really nice cage.
ya...ok, i feel better now that i have written that out.
it would not be reaping any reward at all.
i'm just dealing with the emotions of seeing him and his new condo and all
that baggage that comes with that.
it's really intense and weird.
and really remarkable we can still be such good friends even tho we both drive
each other a bit nuts.
i am glad he finds my advice valuable.
and he has shown me many things, too.
we DID learn from each other many things just as much as we almost completely
destroyed each other.
i will be glad for the good.
and try to let the bad parts go.
it just takes time.
old habits die hard.
i still love him and always will.
but i am really glad i am with M now.
it's soooooo much better. life is sooooooo much easier.
i don't get all the perks of fine dining and 1st row seats to every fabulous
concert.
i don't get ridden around in a cushy car with a fabulous stereo and air conditioning.
i'm not going to be living in a luxury condo with a 30" plasma tv and
fireplace.
although my apartment has a enormously
superior view!
i'll be eating egg salad sandwhiches , exploring caves, abandoned buildings,
nature, tantric sex and having the best time of my life in the beat up car
with one window gone with the man who truly loves me and SEES me and has time
for me for me and heals me and balances me.
i get spooned now, and M likes to eat anything i do.
which is such a shock to my system. i'm just not used to being able to split
food with someone else that i am eating. i can't believe i am with someone
who will eat a rueben sandwhich or likes mustard.
and last night i said to M, we should have a fred astaire day where we watch
fred astaire movies all day, to which he totally agreed would be really fun!
whereas jason could care less about fred astaire.
M says, he is totally fascinated by dancing, and so am *I*!
so yay!
what is not to love about watching fred astaire dance?
(and ginger rogers who did it all backwards AND in high heel shoes to boot!)
and he loves old 78's and listening
to radio dismuke on live365
M even has a britney spears t shirt :)
ha :)
she IS a good dancer even if you hate her , you have to admit it.
so anyway, tonight i'll sleep alone for the 1st time in a long while which
will be weird, but the dogs will love it because now they will all get to
pile on top of me, like they always did before.
i need to give them more affection. i will do that right now.
since i am getting so much affection from M the dogs have been getting a little
less, and so i need to rectify that situation.
adjustments will be made and things will balance out as we all find our new
sleeping positions on the bed.
so i will go smoosh them now and then start to get ready for gary numan, i
am so excited to see him!
also we get a free yummy meal with the ticket because jason bought a table,
so yay, i get big time food tonight, although it will just make me puff out
more.
but when i have pms i get soooo hungry!
also i am really happy about my dreads today.
the ripping them apart thing really worked out well. .at least so far.
we'll see how it is as they grow out!
but for now they are a million times bettter than they were.
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