| august
8th , 2006 |
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sorry the cam gets stuck once in
awhile.
(besides the cam software still freezing up)
my modem is in the hallway and the dogs keep knocking out the cord.
i'll move the modem back into the thing room where it won't be disturbed tomorrow.
10:09pm
new sheets on bed.
other sheets in wash.
plus did another load of laundry and took a small bath.
now to tackle the carpet a bit.
listening to muse.
i wish i didn't feel so intense.
listening to muse isn't probably the best thing to listen to when i am feeling
this way.
but oh well.
it gives me some energy to tackle things.
like fucking rugs and clogged drains and people from iceland who insist that
their credit card has been charged when it hasn't.
i am trying really hard to channel my energy into positive things and not
self destructive things.
i feel like yelling "serenity now!" like in that one episode of
seinfeld.
i took my meds and i hope that calms me the fuck down.
full moon tomorrow.
someone might need to chain me in the barn that night.
7:58pm
wow, finally finished all the anacam
biz. that took way longer than i thought it would!
now the sun looks like it is already starting to go down.
the days are getting shorter so fast! :(
so now what do i do?
go for a walk?
fix my hair?
clean the kitchen?
vacuum the rug?
i need more sunlight!
i sent a pic off of my masturbating to my mailing list and a guy wrote back
that he was sad to see me doing it solo and i hope i get that rectified soon.
i had to laugh at that!
ya, i guess i clean my rug and put
new clean sheets on the bed.
i think that will make me feel best.
and then i will try to fix my hair a bit somehow.
jason IMed me and asked me if i wanted
to have pizza with him in his EMPTY old apartment to celebrate him moving
into his new condo. and i'm like..uh..no.
it was sweet he asked me and i am happy for him but i don't exactly feel like
CELEBRATING him moving out which just means i'll barely EVER see him again.
i mean. you know?
it's like saying "yay! we broke up and now you are going to move into
your new luxury condo with your new girlfriend. yippy!"
i'm not exactly at that stage yet.
and then that made me feel even sadder because he'll be out celebrating with
someone else which just makes it all the worse.
today was a really bittersweet day. but i am surviving and getting stuff done.
working out some complex issues.
i'm really sick of working out complex issues.
i need a vacation.
ya, but my life's not so bad.
damn. it's a billion times better than it was.
maybe i am haivng PMS.
who the fuck knows.
5 minutes from now i'll probably be totally fine.
i'm a perculator of emotions.
6:08pm
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the top of my head needs some help, hair wise!
i think it's turning into an octopus!
4:34pm
i woke up today sick at the thought
of looking online at my bank account balance.
i was certain i would utter horror, but to my IMMENSE surprise i actually
was $20 in the POSITIVE and my rent cheque cleared and NOTHING bounced!
i was so happy and relieved i burst into tears because i have just been literally
SICK about it all week.
but i'm ok. it's going to be ok.
I AM SO RELIEVED!
thank you everyone SO much who joined for all naked all week, or helped me
out in other ways, or bought hats from me.
the universe does, indeed, hold me in it's hands.
and by the grace of it, go i, and the kindness of friends and strangers.
now i just need to really concentrate on paying the electric and phone bill
and paying back 2 other friends.
so i'm not out of the water yet, but at least i have my apartment.
so now i must find more things to sell.
or make more things to sell.
so i'm still spinning plates, but at least i have 1 less HUGE plate to spin.
i feel like a huge burden has been lifted from me.
but i have 3 staples in the back of my head. i thought they were the stitches,
the kind that dissolve. but no. they are STAPLES.
WTF???
so that is really creepy to me in a big way.
but, hey, i've had pierced nipples so maybe it's no big deal.
why it took them 2 or more hours to stick 3 staples into the back of my head
is a mystery to me. and i read these instructions they gave me and i am supposed
to go see my "caretaker" (ha, like i have one)
in 5 to 7 days to have the staples removed.
that sounds like a nightmare to me.
so i am going to figure out how i can just get someone i know to take them
out in a week.
because i'm nto paying some doctor $800 bucks or whatever to take 3 staples
out of my head when i know all they are going to do is take something like
needlenose pliers and yank them out.
fuck. creep me out BIG TIME.
i know i'm not going to feeel really "normal" until these are out
of my head.
they make me feel like some sort of freak.
and my dreads are doing really weird things on the top of my head.
matting up.
i keep trying to separate them but it's really it's own bizarre sculpture
of some kind.
and so i will have to use my ingenuity to "make something" out of
it.
i know i can. it's just hair.
or so i tell myself
*sigh*
it looks really nice outside and
i hope at the end of the day to go for a walk.
i need to get back to walking so much for my physical and emotional wellbeing.
i am determined to get myself back into a better state.
i want to wake up without a state of panic and not have dreams i have to shake
out of me every morning that are just so horrible and stressful.
i feel like i am in a warzone when i wake up and then i have to face a day
where i have to spin plates and clean.
but dammit, i'll just keep doing it until things get "normalized".
so today i still need to catch up on some anacam biz.
clean my house some more so i feel more of a sense of peace in here.
then i will go for a walk.
then M comes over again and we will spoon.
i will take another bath and try to wash the part with the staples in it,
even tho i do not want to.
*shiver*
i'm just keep on keeping on.
and i'll get more pix up in here for you now.
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