| august
4th , 2006 |
||
6:40pm
i haven't gotten too many compliments
on my new hair style :)
people are giving me some pretty strange looks or just politley trying not
to say anything.
but hey, it's a word in progress!
it's a sculpture.
it's in a little awkward phase as it's trying to figure out what it wants
to be.
it's going through some sort of coolio/crazy shopping cart bag lady, insane
asylum escapee/mad max beyond thunderstorm phase.
5:41pm
went to the little store and bought
a tiny bit of food since i don't have any.
bought the cheapest things i could find (except ramen, i have enough of that)
mac and cheese, loaf of bread, 2 rolls of that cheap tp.
i bought cheerios and milk for M because that is what he likes for breakfast.
didn't buy any cokes, too expensive right now.
gotta live on an extremely tight budget right now so i don't go under.
but you know, it's mostly my fault because i bought 2 cds and 3 books and
went out to eat too much and drank imported beer.
so...i made my bed now i must lay in it, as they say.
so yep, time to pay the piper.
also trying to ween myself off drinking because i do it too much, and it's
too expensive.
but going cold turkey is kind of hard, like cigarettes.
so...
i've gone from moderately good wine, to cheap nasty wine, to beer, and now
to cheap nasty 3/2 beer.
and i will ween myself off in a few days or less.
and if i could just give up coca cola, too, i'll be in far better shape financially.
and no more eating out. i'm so used to it now because jason eats out all the
time.
but he can afford it and i can't. so that is that.
it was nice while it lasted.
time to get realistic and get to
work on other creative projects.
get my ducks in order.
feng shui my house.
get rid of more things.
i have had my emergency sexual healing which was crucial to my wellbeing.
and thank god for that, because i wouldn't be able to do much of anything
else if that hadn't been rectified immediately.
and i still have a ways to go on it. i've been fucked up pretty bad by men
sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually...so it's not like i can just
go "bingo", i'm over it.
i think the pain will always be there. you cannot really separate yourself
from pain...but you can learn to just let it be and detach from it and still
let it reside inside you without it ripping up your soul like a saw blade.
i just acknowledge it's there and let it have it's own little room to exist
in and as it as i just leave it alone, it'll leave me alone, too, basically.
because you never can erase it. you just can't. and that is life.
learning to live with pain, not letting it overcome you, and letting it just
be and pass through.
if you fight it and try and smash it down, it fights back and it's a no win
situation.
so ya, i've had a great soul cleansing with M through sex and other things
with M, which grow deeper every day.
there are many layers to it.
and i'm glad he has the courage, fortitide, and curiousity as much as i do
to follow this path.
we both can't believe how lucky we are and how we found each other.
perfect timing.
i've found it to be a curious thing that i haven't gotten as many new members
from all the sex we've had on cam.
i would have guessed i'd get a lot. like at least 60 or so.
but it's been more like 20.
and then that is balanced off with people unsubscribing.
i think that might be, in part, because
people are just so NOT into seeing a naked guy on my cam.
it weirds them out.
i wasn't expecting this.
and i'm trying to come up with theories as to why this is.
my #1 theory is that (and i speak in general terms), most men like to "pretend"
that they are in "the scene". this is maybe part of what gets them
off. it's a fantasy they can project themselves into. because, for one, usually
(i'm quite sure) the people in porn do not love each other (as IN love).
the guy who is fucking the woman isn't in LOVE with her, and so he doesn't
really count as a threat.
it could be any guy. so why not it be you?
easy to insert yourself in that scene because , who knows, maybe SOMEDAY that
could be YOU.
because that guy doesn't care about her REALLY, and the woman doesn't care
about the guy. he isn't a threat.
so it's just junk food, a good wank, no thought process really needs to go
into it.
it's not challenging or inspiring.
it just scratches and itch or makes you full like potato chips.
it's easy.
but with M and i, we LOVE each other.
and so...you can't as easily insert yourself into that scene because a personal
thing between us.
and, we aren't doing it for you.
we aren't playing for the camera (although we do have fun with it because
we like to see each other from different angles because we are curious.)
but we aren't giving you "the money shot"
in fact, a lot of our sex isn't very explicit compared to most porn.
we are usually just all tangled up in each other.
and we aren't trying to think of
things that will turn YOU on.
we are just in our own world doing what we like, and sex, look-wise, has been
quite simple.
you aren't going 'ooo, i wonder what kinky things they'll do tonight? will
she wear the nurse's outfit?
the things we explore most during sex are very inward.
subtle and not so subtle changes in energy.
we say a lot with our eyes which you don't get to see up close.
our fingers, our heart centers.
it's hard to explain.
it's all very new to me but at the same time so very familiar.
joy in repitition.
so those are some of my theories,
i could be way off base.
i don't so much want to turn people on by our photos (but they do turn ME
on)
but i want to INSPIRE people to have sex with a CONNECTION.
not just a can of quickie pringles.
i want you to be inspired to LOVE and CONNECT.
i'm still working on it, too :)
i have a lot to learn.
we live in a fast food quickie society.
our sex either seems to inspire and challenge to love and connect..or else
it seems to make people feel very sad, jealous, or even inadequate.
these are just my observations so far.
and they are not developed yet.
due to change at the drop of a hat.
thoughts and theories and wonderings in their infancy.
i know i am on the right track, tho.
this feels right to me.
it has integrity.(and playfulness)
2 things that are very important to me.
4:51pm
all naked all week starting
tomorrow!
(to pay zee rent!)
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3:03pm
called willie's guitars.
tomorrow i will go there and put my guitar on consignment.
they said they think it will sell fast.
so tonight i will clean off all the tcikers on it which will take me a long
time and clean it up.
how to get $500 by tomorrow, tho, will be tricky.
i just have to pray something helps me out.
someway, somehow..
i need to get a ride to willies.
right now i will clean the thing room a bit just to calm myself down and get
the energy flowing.
i'm considering doing another all naked all week to come up with more $, but
god, i just don't feel like it or want to. so i don't know.
i'll cancel my appointment with my new shrink for a different day because
i cannot come up with $250 to pay her on the14th with all my other bills i
have.
sucks.
i think i'll put some of my hats for sale for 1/2 price up in my journal and
maybe people can paypal jason and my other friend money i owe them, since
i do not have paypal.
i'm so fucking nervous, i just feel sick.
the thought of selling my guitar makes
me want to cry.
2:33pm
the world needs more kissing
1:59pm
i can't get into ana2 or anacam right
now, although i can ftp to it and stuff.
and photosthat are on there are showing up in my LJ.
very odd.
i'm tired of these technical difficulties.
i need to come up with $500 by tomorrow
night for rent.
i don't know how i am going to do it.
i'm very very nervous.
3:40am
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||
the flipside.
life is going great in many areas of my life.
except money.
i am really stressed out about it.
i need $500 for rent in 2 days (i am 1/2 short of it)
i need to pay back a friend a bit over $300.
i need to pay back jason $825 for my vancouver trip.
i can sell my guitar, but that thought paralyzed me.
i need to come up with $250 by the 14th to see a new shrink. that is her fee
for the 1st consultation.
i have NO food except microwave popcorn and a can of sardines and some noodles.
i need to pay phone and electric.
basically, i need $2,000 and i need it like YESTERDAY.
i could ask my dad or mom but i just feel too ridiculous.
i'm just paralyzed by this.
i don't know what to do.
my mind is racing and i am trying to get my shit together.
i've always been known for pulling rabbits out of my ass, but i just feel...really
scared right now.
i'm trying to have a positive attitude and i know i will have the money later.
but i need it NOW.
right now.
i need to pull myself back into the world and get my earthly shit in order.
this is my venus is pisces. i fall in love and i merge and i lose all perspective
for anything else.
i just dissolve into bliss.
i've got to find the balance.
i need to clean my house.
and i need to manifest $2,000 PRONTO.
i have managed to keep the basic stuff going.
laundry, dishes, taking care of dogs.
making sure i do the anacam biz.
but i need to do more.
and with this heatwave we had i never got outside for walks by the river which
i need.
105 degrees is not fun.
i am being healed in a crucial area of my life.
CRUCIAL.
i was so near death.
i was so glad to not die.
btu god, now i still have to spin these other plates.
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.
i need to become a manifesting machine.
i have to figure this out.
horoscopes from: