| july 22nd , 2006 |
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7:34pm
fuck, i went to check my mail.
and in it was a letter from my psychiatrist i have been "seeing" since i was 18 years old.
he is not a therapist but mostly a drug dealer (xanax, paxil, prozac?)
he looks almost exactly like john denver, and because i have a huge "father complex" and have told him things i have never told my parents over DECADES of my life, i have a false sense of intimacy with him.
i mean, no one but my actual parents have been in my life longer, even tho i only see him 1 or 2 times a year...
so i get a letter saying he is stopping his practice. but he will still fill prescriptions up til auguist 1st.
so 1/2 of me is bawling because i am a junkie to xanax and how much CHANGE can a perwson take in this short of time?
i mean fuck.
it's all been good change but it's still RIVETING and it takes extreme adjustment which i am proud to say , so far , i have handled like a buffalo.
but fucking a, my shrink, the person who is like a father figure to me ( falsely, i always knew), is just POOF going?
like ....who cares about you.....boom done.
after decades? i get it and fine but fuck.
i bawled and bawled and i'm still bawling.
i'll be ok.
but i don't know what to do right now.
this is TOO much change for me.
fuck.
i am dealing with SO much.
fuck.
and so i went to jason's on his BIRTHDAY and cried my eyes out while he needed to jump into ythe shower to go to his birthday party.
fuck.
i feel like such a loser. and jason was so forgiving.
fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.
and he was like, is M coming over tonight and i said yes and he was GLAD for this, this is how much we are friends.
damn.
fucking a. life. it just keeps coming at you.
over and over and over.
and ya.....god. just fuck.
i'll deal. i always do.
but FUCK.
i'm scared.
shitless.
and phong just wrote me and said "thanks for the monologue"
which i also gave today. a goddamn monologue about...everything....like i always do.
and thank the gods i had a little phong there saying thanks.
it made me stop crying , at least.
you should see his site phong.com
he is brilliant.
i am grateful for the moments of light.
and soon M will be here again, i hope.
i just want to crush my head into his nest.
6:15pm
oh, and btw (which is a very little BTW but a HUGE one), today is jason's 33rd birthday.
and i am SUPER bad at remembering dates. i don't even know what day it is 1/2 the time...
but SOMEHOW it was M who reminded me it was jason's birthday today and i cried because i felt so STUPID for not remembering.
he told me last night. i can't remember how he knew.
but thank god he reminded me!
so today jason turned 33. a magical number.
jason was out for a bike ride (he rode almost 30 miles today!) i gave him some soup and string (for i make the soup and string...) and a book called 'DMT the spirit molecule"
and he was happy.
and last night he celebrated with who knows who and also tonight he will again.
and we had a bit of a breakthrough today in our awkwardness.
and it feels weird and sad and wrong to not be celebrating his birthday in the way we would.
but so it is.
and we are becoming more familiar with our new way of relating to each other.
today we hugged and i held his head in my hands like we always did, but always platonically.
and he was watching some movie which was great, because we share the same tastes in music and movies like i have with no other person (not enough to keep you together tho)
and i cried about syd barrett's passing away. which i haven't even talked about yet but i am greatly moved by.
but it was also mixed in with the emotion of saying goodbye to jason in the way we used to relate to each other.
and only jason gets how much syd meant to the both of us, and we are both very happy that he is in a better place now, but also so sad because the earth is now without syd.
whether you are aware of it or not, syd has changed this world.
all the music you listen to would not exist in the same form it is in now because of syd.
and i mean that literally.
he was/is a lightbeing and he infiltrated and touched the hearts of all sound on earth during his short stay here on this planet.
and then jason and i talked about his dreads and dread maintainance ( the word dread is funny, because it's NOT dreadful).
and this is a lopng involved tech talk that will bore most of you to tears because it's all about string, so i will spare you.
but ya, his high school reunion is in 7 days so he is spazzing.
he wants his dreads to look good and lose weight.
and they will, and he does look great.
and did i tell you he is "dating" another woman?
i think i did.
and that made me cry.
but so it is so it is.
anmd tonight M comes over tonight.
thank god, he heals me more and more. i love him so much.
i need a new word for love.
and thank god jason and i are working shit out and being friends.
in one month he moves into his new condo.
life is complex.
5:37pm
ok, FINALLY i have almost caught up on the "sex pix"
now there is the digital pix from british columbia ( and then more sex pix)
the digital pix will take more time because i need to resize them and crop them how i want and then each one has such a HUGE story attached to it.
it would be a crime to just put the digital pix up and not tell their stories!
so i might just have to put up a few a day because there is SO much to write about it's ridiculous.
it's strange to me the effect my sex photos are having on my friends.
it's having done sort of effect like how you don't want to know your mom has sex or something.
for them it's like ewwwww, too much information.
i didn't know i was seen in such a nonsexual way.
i mean, sex with mannequins ok, but sex with a real man not?
i am mystified by this.
and this is double hilarious (in a way) since 1/2 the world thinks of me as some sort of porn star or whore.
so i have people who want to only see me as a cute and cuddly care bear,
and then people who are saying i am a total whore (as usual)
for instance this was written about me when i politely asked for people to join ana2 at this time because i'd like to give my services in exchange for money so i can get anacam back into working order:
"The Cyber whore wants the GUESTS to buy HER a 2nd computer so she can
run her GUEST CAM!!!!
Simple reply....Fuck You....you scanky whore bitch."
i'm glad i'm at the point where i can laugh my ass off about that now.
because it's just so extremely ridiculous. and totally sad.
i feel compassion for this person.
what a bad head space to be in.
it must be hell.
so i am dealing with stuff from that angle and then dealing with my best friends deleting me off their friends list because to them it's "only the internet"
but if it's "just the internet" then why i am upsetting people by loving a man?
and when say love i mean LOVE.
it's not "just the internet" to me.
but i guess, for many people, it is.
then i guess we should all just say well, it's just the telephone, or who cares it's just the "written word" written out to me personally in their handwriting.
i mean fuck it all then, ya?
let's just fuck communication in general if you are not "there in the flesh"
fuck "snail mail" , fuck every single book you've ever read.
what is real and what is not?
and this line is different for everyone.
the "news" is real for some people and for some it's "just entertainment" and for some of us it's just brutal and we can't watch it.
is watching me make love BRUTAL?
sure, go watch your gorey films rented on netflix but goddamn your best friend if she has a cock inside her from a man who loves her dearly.
WTF?
what is up with that?
you can appreciate david lynch and strangers with candy but you can't take it when your BEST FRIEND has a cock up her from a man who dearly loves her?
where do your reality lines lie?
is it JUST a word, a painting, a photo....
does it MEAN anything?
when friends take you off their list because it's "just the internet"
because seeing some guy's beautiful cock up me 50 pixels wide is "too much information"
then just what?
i am trying to see this from all angles.
and by typing this it is just my process to try and help myself to understand.
and another thing that i am getting is people asking me to have sex a certain way.
what the hell?
like some guy said he wished M would suck on my toes.
"they" want more variety.
the "missionary position" is too boring for them to watch.
hahaha. well fuck off!
other people are upset because they do not think i give M enough head. other people are upset because they do not think M gives ME head enough.
everyone is so "involved" in our orgasms.
everyone is so "concerned" that we cum this way or that way and then in the end it's all "even".
jesus h. christ!
all they are saying is "hey , you are not doing it the way *I* want to get ME off"
period.
so just...stop it.
it's OUR sex.
we'll do it how WE want to.
amen.
5:12pm
oh god, look it's MORE sex!
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