| july 21st , 2006 |
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9:21pm
M's coming over :)
*excited* :)
8:26pm
made this entry in LJ then deleted it.
talked to her on the phone which made it better.
it hurts so much when my best friends do things like this.
but it's a learning experience. "netiquette" *scoff*
god.
it hurts so much when my best friends think so low of me without talking to me first.
"
we worked it out, but it still hurts a but.
it'll take me awhile to lick my wounds.
i am shifting.
in a good way.
i KNOW this.
had the guts to talk to my other friend who took me off her list.
left a message on my machine.
no more sorrow.
life is good for me now.
3:31pm
slept til now.
wanted to sleep more...but gah, i must get back on a better schedule.
maybe i still am in B.C. time where it would be 1:31pm now, about the time the house there woke up.
i still have so many stories to tell you.
like about boobs on eyes and the mechanical unicorn.
and doing dmt with an elf named phong in "africa"
(phong.com....go there it will blow your mind! and he's only 23! he is going to be a master when he gets older)
meeting phong was a highlight of my stay.
plus the whole shroom thing at the drum circle.
and kat and dan and well, just everything!
but right now i am concentrating on getting pix up for you so i can get that part out of the way.
i got all my digital pix on my computer now, too.
plus some mini movie.
i was sad to see a few pictures i had taken were not there.
the camera i had along with me was pretty glichey and the batteries kept falling out.
and this ties in with dave navorro, another story to tell.
so whenever my batteries would fall out i'd say "god damn you dave navarro!"
but i did get quite a few good ones despite i no wide angle lense anymore.
ok, must wake up now.
M bought me white roses and brought them to the airport to me.
they are so beautiful!
i got my tantric sex books, did i tell you that already?
can't wait to read them :)
11:47pm
ok, NOW i'm going to bed :)
10:16am
still haven't gone to bed.
i've been emailing myself pix i saved from the biz computer over to this one so i can put them in an anagram for you.
cleaning, taking out trash.
i don't know why i got up so early and did so much stuff.
maybe because i need to get caught up on things.
but now i'm going back to bed.
6:56am
all the updates i made under the bed while i was away in canada:
Posted by ANA on July 10, 2006 at 17:18:38:
in VANCOUVER
ARGH CANNOT FIGURE OUT THIS LAPTOP.
I;M TIRED AS A MUTHA.
JUST WANT 2 LET Y ALL KNOW I;M OK :)
MORE LAter!''
I MISS YOU M....BAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDLLLLLLYYYYYYY!'XOXOOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX!
Posted by ANA on July 11, 2006 at 22:55:50:
they gave me a tutu. it's freaking HUGE with also bits of yellow.
it must be at least a thousand layers with satin trim and rhinestones.
they also gave me a big brown russian fur hat to go with.
yep :)
everyone has disappeared into their rooms now, each room looks like an opium den.
they all disappear like elves.
i hear voices coming from here or there, or laughter from different angles but when i walk around to find anyone, the house looks empty.
ah, jervais came and took my pic with her laptop. she is going out for a smoke so i'll go with.
i ate some cheese and chips and dr. pepper.
i wish M was here. meow.
Posted by ANA on July 12, 2006 at 19:08:08:
today was really hard. my hands are all craamped up. my whole body is sore.
i had respect for people who do the hairpolice method of tying in hair before but i have SO much more respect for them now.
god, how do they do it?
even tho my work is of quality and jervais is saying i'm doing well, it's hard for me to imagine ever being able to do an entire head of hair in one day all by myself.
especially straight synth hair on straight hair is SO hard, you would not believe to amount of dexterity and nimblness it takes to do one that is completely neat and tied in as hard as it is tied in. it's shockingly difficult and the hairpolice people make it look like it is a breeze.
fuck.
and looking back on how fast sonia was i cann't believe it. my god.
her hands would move so fast it was crazy.
i am going at a snails pace but i am getting somewhat faster in certain areas.
i had a mini cry today because i was so frustrated and i am PMSing and my hair is still one huge dreaded mess from sex with M and no one here has conditioner so i can comb my hair out because pretty much everyone in this house has dreads or does not use conditoner on their hair.
so i need to get into town again some way tomorrow to buy some conditoner because the state my hair is in right now is freaking me the fuck out and making me upset.
so tomorrow i will conditioner and paintakingly comb my hair out and then jervais is going to dread it again the RIGHT way.
right mow it is like a matted up dog.
and i've decided to get dreads because whenever i have sex with M it just gets dreaded anyway, i have to have some sort of hairstyle that matches our sex life! good lord.
also i've never had real dreads so i think it would be interesting to try and also see what it is like fiirsthand so i am better able to empathize with any futire clients i get who get dreads from me. it would be good to experience it firsthand and be knowledgeable in it from direct experience.
i really like to make dreads and i'm really good at it. that i can actually see myself doing a whole head of hair by myself.
but putting straight synth hair on straight human haiir is a motherfucking bitch.
so i just started to cry at one point because of it and how frustrating it is and pmsing and no one has conditioner and i miss M really really really bad.
gah.
jervais is taking a nap now, and i have finished the task she gave me.
when she gets up, later on, if i feel up to it, she will show me how to make synth dreads.
(i know how to dread human hair, not synth yet)
it's been raining on and off here all day.
so i am glad i made it out in the sun yesterday to take pix.
it's supposed to rain for a few more days.
the house is so quiet right now. maybe everyone is napping.
all i can hear is a dryer.
i am zoned out.
i still really haven't had a conversation with any of the people who live here. they all seem to be really wonderful, kind, creative brillliant people, but they are inclusive mostly. i haven't really connected with anyone. but everyone is very busy and i am, too.
i feel shy around them but they do not make me feel uncomfortable at all.
i feel like i am just a person who is "passing through" and they wave to me in a friendly way and smile and keep to themselves.
it's hard to describe.
Posted by ANA on July 14, 2006 at 01:17:32:
i got dreads. they look cool :)
i have too much to say so i can't say anything because i am too hyper to type.
i have a billion things to say.
tomorrow most of this house goes to this huge folk festival and so, i guess i will be here pretty much by myself.
so i plan to take this opportunity to really be alone and commune with nature , which i desperately need to do.
plug myself into the core of the earth and recharge my batteries for round 2 of my life.
which is going to rock :)
i am going to go to the ocean to a place called gospel rock and i am going to ground, align, and retune myself.
this place is inspiring at many different levels that i cannot yet convey in words.
i'm learning about hair, but at a higher level, as always, i am learning more about energy and dynamics and how things all work together.
like how in this house each room has it's own energy and.....then the people i still have not been able to put that inot words yet.
i can just say it's truly inspiriing to see people making life happen and manifesting for themselves a beautiful life.
to see that this CAN be done. and that people can get along and not crossing anyones boundaries at all.
how space can be so respected.
i usually expereince the oppoosite.
and to see people living actually in tune with themselves and living joyfully and mindfully is such a cool thing,
people who are in tune with their bodies, ther surroundings, what they eat, i've been waiting for this for so long.
lots of female energy here, too.
and everything so clean all the time but i don't even see how they do it, it all seems so effortless.
everyone respecting their belongings so much and their living spaces.
people getting in tune with the universe before they take action.
gonging bells and sage cleaning.
singing bowls.
beautifully cooked plate of food.
happy kitchens.
each space made sacred but different.
but not so sacred you can't be comfortable.
it's all about luxuriating here, but also about being disciiplined, focused and mindful.
a hard balance to keep, yet they do it.
and i love to see it in action.
life doesn't have to suck.
i can manifest anything into my life.
and now i have finally found my soul mate (such a corny term, i know, but i can't think of a better term)
my life has just been turned around 360 degrees because i have made every effort to mindfully do so.
i am proud of myself.
i am proud of all i have accomplished and i look forward to doing my best work yet to come.
things feel full of promise, yet not in a naive way.
(although i am a hopeless romantic at heart)
so tomorrow, one last day of hecticness and last minute learning and then i am plugging into the core of the earth and
hummmmmmmmmmm and ohmmmmmmmm :)
yes, i have been super charged with hippy power. it's true, i admit.
i still will love my plasmatics, tho :)
i am going to sew silver thread and silver seed beads into my dreads, faerie hair.
i'm reading 11:11 by solara. i've always wanted to read that book.
very interesting.
i still haven't gotten my period, i thought i did earlier today and then it went away again.
it could just be stress or it could be i'm pregnant. i have no idea.
i don't FEEL pregnant, but you never know.
a little nervous about that.
and i sit in the fence how i feel about it.
it makes you sit up and realize the power of sex and how it can create another being, that is how powerful it is.
now i get to share this power with someone who wants to explore and respect that.
i can't wait to read my tantric sex books when i get back.
i feel like i am getting back on the right track.
i feel sonia "looking down on me from "heaven" and smiling at my progress :)
and jervais has been an excellent and patient teacher.
Posted by ANA on July 14, 2006 at 12:57:38:
today is rainy so i am not going to be able to go sit at gospel rock , but i'm at least just going to go see it.
and then tomorrow jervais is going into to the fest so i am going to go in with her and then get dropped off at kat's house and play with yarns with her until my plane leaves on monday.
Posted by ANA on July 15, 2006 at 16:08:25:
yay, i'm here in vancouver at kat's!
what a journey in! too much to describe right now.
i need food.
ferry, china town, protest against the harvesting of human organs in chinatown.
weird can driver. cranky.
i am blocks away from the 200,000 peopled folk fesitival and i hear the music blaring.
i'm on a PC instead of a mac. yay!
i started to bleed today a bit. i hope it continues and does not just disappear like it did the other day.
must get my period!
amen!
god so much to say it is insane. and of course my camera ran out of batteries on the way so i captured none of the weird shit i saw.
vancouver must be one of the most beautiful cities i have ever seen!
it's off the scale.
i think i should become canadian.
what do you think about that, eh?
Posted by ANA on July 15, 2006 at 17:50:47:
kat made yummy food which has calmed me down considerably. i have been in hyperactive toy poodle mode all day and now i feel the carb overload taking over.
the sun is still shining here big time.
nice after all the rain.
the boom boom boom of the music fest keeps pounding through the windows.
making friends with kobee the pug and gigor the cat and dan, kat's man :)
and so cool to meet kat and see her in the flesh finally :)
Posted by ANA on July 17, 2006 at 09:19:13:
it's 7:40am in the morning here in vancouver at kat's
house and i have not gone to bed yet and i have to, by
noon, get to an ATM and get enough cash out to take a
cab to the airport to get there 2 hours before my plane
departs at 3:40pm because i have a feeling that now
because i have dreads and there was the "folk" festival
up here, which was a mini woodstock (but not so mini)
that the will be PERHAPS giving me an extra look over at
customs.
i tried to call M at my house, i think he is maybe there
but maybe has the phone unplugged.
i had THEE most intense night. i wish i could go into
detail, because it's all fascinating (at least to me).
god, how do i even start this?
1st i'll just say i never made it INTO the festival
"proper" because it was $60 to get in it. but PLENTY was
happening around it.
i bought a few things with what little money i had
(hilariously and symbolically $44.)
and then kat bought me an earring for $6 which is made
from buffalo bone (or so they say) anyway, it kicks ass.
and i got this skirt i had been lusting over all week at
the elf house (thy call it the "g-spot")
:)
so it was weird to see this thing i had touched ever
single day in the music room learning to do hair and
then see this same thing on the rack at the fest.
it was meant to be.
i could NOT get this skirt out of my brain EVER.
and now i own it. i am so glad.
(all the men reading this are falling asleep now, i
know. whatever. read on. good things come to those who
pay attention)
then i ran into this guy named "guy" who had one of
those accents that could be from anywhere and he rubbe
this amber resin on me. and he said ' a little touch of
heaven". which is true! i am a SUCKER for that scent.
and he had piercing eyes and i wanted to know his story.
he seemed like yet another of the "elven" who had been
to bali (i swear to god EVERYONE has been to bali here)
and so i asked him if he would like to meet me at the
drum circle at 11. (how hippy, i know, i am even rolling
my eyeballs at that one liner, but damn, there you have
it)
and he said yes. he was in a big black bus at the
hostel.
so many hours later kat and dan and i labouriously made
it to this black bus which is no small feat especially
since dan is paralyzed from the neck down and is on this
cool sip and puff wheel chair and kat has on her bionic
leg and arm which she informs me is running out of
batteries.
kat and dan...that is a whole other escapade i have no
yet written about but i must say it has been my extreme
honour to be able to sleep on their couch, and their
hospitable mellow demenour towards my hyperass toy
poodle ways! so much to write about. my god. how do i
even fit any of this in?
just hanging out with kat and dan is a whole chapter of
wonderfulness.
so back to the black bus. "guy" wasn't there. "guy" was
not even at the drum circle as far as i could discern
but his big black bus has a big hello from me in
"british red" lipstick on it from me.
boy did he miss out.
but this other guy i had met during the day and who had
recognized me from anacam was there.
and that is another story, too.
so kat and dan had to go to bed, understandably, it was
almost midnite, but being that i was only blocks away
from their house i said go ahead and go home and i'll
make my way back, no problem. because i needed to dance
in the drum circle and get out my energy.
god, i had no idea what a hot commodity i'd be at this
drum circle, i thought i would be rather invisible being
that i am 40 and there are a gazillion younger healthy
hippy chicks at this thing. but no.
damn.
soon i had grown men almost fighting over me.
it was weird.
i was just trying to talk to them.
but it soon turned into this "kings of new york" scene
where one clan cannot love the other, just because of
the lineage and no matter how much i tried to get the
clans to shake hands and be friends, it just wasn't
going to happen.
men (at this festival).
why do they have to make everything so complicated?
gah.
so i was dancing in the drum circle and i knew i wanted
some shrooms or SOMETHING, i was going to take advantage
of this situation to it' fullest and dance underneath
the bright 1/2 moon at the beautiful bay of the ocean.
i danced my bootie off. i even started whole rhythyms that would take control of the drummers.
and soon they were drumming to me instead of me dancing to their drums. it was a weird feeling.
long story short....i get shrooms.
1st time i've had those in about a decade.
i just ate them and everyone seemed to be shocked at "what a trooper" i was.
i have no idea why. i'm just like, duh, i'm 40!
so the guy who gave me the shrooms (for free) is from cezch. which is a whole OTHER story of it's own because, my god, well you just need the history channel times infinity to take in what this guy was talking about.
about some cruel queen who buried young boys alive which , for some reason, this guy thought this would make me hot but it made me cry...
but he was still a good guy. but just... twisted.
anyway, i was having a rather good talk with him.
everything was cool and he would tell me things in czechoslovakian (sp?) and then i would make something up at the top of my head that sounded like it and i would shout it at the moon. and we had this "game" going on which was really fun because then people from other countries started joining in and adding their language sounds to "the mix" and then we would all try to repeat it like people speaking in tongues to the moon.
and this was awesome and wonderful and we were all very happy and delighted.
but then dude who introduced me to dude who gave me shrooms for free yanked me away. because we had made a "pact" that he would make sure i got home safe and that he would safeguard me.
little did i know that actually it was the other way around and that i was there to safeguard him.
and thus began, what i consider, to be my 1st true "in the flesh" conscious (on my part) "energy work".
and i have to say, i am quite proud of myself.
this guy, who was some huge deal in the canadian army and sent young soldiers off to die...well...damn...
i can't even begin to go into it.
but i had this army guy sobbing and shaking in my arms.
and he was trying to let go of all the guilt and it was beyond intense. i mean there is NO WAY to describe the intensity of this man's grief, and that i somehow was able to make him feel safe enough to finally let out all these stories and things. he cried and shook and wailed and yelled and i was the perfect mediatrix, i just allowed the passing of all the pent up emotion from over a decade in this guy spill out, somehow i did not get sucked usunder, and even tho i completely connected with him on every empathatic level i could conceive of, and i allowed myself to be a vessel that his grief channeled through, i remained ABSOLUTELY centered and grounded to the core. and i was the healer tellig him how to position his body and pushing points intuitively to let the energy through.
i didn't get caught up or swept away, i remained perfectly lucid, tranqil, and transparent while still being completely in the present moment, completely engaged.
and the most important lesson of all in this was for ME...the time for me to let go.
that has always been a problem of mine. i get realy attached to people and their sorrows or whatever and then i dedicate a decade of my life to "fixing" them.
well this guy tried with al his might to keep me "fixing him" but i knew exactly when it was time to let him go, even if that meant he felt i was deserting him.
(which he let me know loudly....YOU ARE DESERTING ME!!!)
and i said no, i am challenging you to get up and catch up with me. we have to get back to the circle.
i felt such compassion and i was extremely honoured that this person shared their most intimate secrets and fears with me. he told me thing he has never even spoken out loud to even himself. and i will hold these things precious. the thing that he said over and over what haunted him is "their smiles, their smiles....they were so innocent". and he felt he had personally led to their deaths. and i told him this was a grief he would carry with him all the days of his life. and that his grief would come out in pieces. and there would never be a "perfect healing" that life was messy and that there are no nice and tody endings to anything, but i told him (and he knew) to rest assured these boys had moved on and they had chosen their paths.
even so, their smiles haunted him. he knew their every move, the way they brushed their teeth. i tol him that he had tauht them valuable things, like attention to detail, the cleaning of your instruments, the focus and discipline, etc. but that these traights might be more useful for doing dished than blowing up afghanistan, which he finally laughed.
god, i don't even know what to say at this point because i am exhausted tired it's now 8:40am and i have only a few hours to sleep, if i even can.
but ya, i basically, while tripping my brains out, managed to deal with some general's sorrow about the deaths of the boys' he had trained and etc etc etc....it was like dealing with luke or anikin skywalker ot something and they were (in their minds) living out the star wars movie with the whole "dulaity" sequence.
and i was trying so hard to not just get this guy's sorrow out and to name the boy's who had died under him, but also shift him into a POSSIBILITY of a universe which is not based on duality.
i ALMOST got him to see it for a MINUTE and he shook with relief and then went straight back in duality again.
that is when i had to go.
and i somehow made it back to the strange man who had given me the shrooms in the 1st place.
which was a whole new ballgame.
because, by this time, this person was ready to pledge their alligience to me as their life long servant.
and god. that's a whole new ball of wax. yo.
so then i "worked" on THAT guy to see thing in a non duality sense in another way. all this heirarchy. good freaking god.
i can't even begin to describe it in the state i am in.
which is tired as a mutha.
so this guy had a car, and i was only blocks away from kat's house. being that this guy had pledged his servitude to my being, i would have hoped he had been a better coordinator of driving. what SHOULD have taken 10 minutes of walking turned into what seemed like hours and hours or going past all the wrong houses on their road. it was insanity to the point of utter ridiculousness. and FINALLY i pulled out of my purse the actual EXACT address of kat's house and we FINALLY made it home.
and again, long story short, i invite in for a minute out of politeness (what was i thinking?). kobee, kat' pug, starts in full battle mode, waking everyone up.
finally he disappears in kat and dan's bedroom, and i am so embarrassed to wake them up.
but then it's alright.
i tell the czech drug dealer the story of pooka, he gives me a "chill pill" which was supposed to be pure E and maybe it was, but i am already so drug cocktailed grief counseloured out that i notice no effect execpt for the fact that i am tryping ANY of this out at all...
and then i kick his ass out which only turns him on because he has some sort of dom fetish and he proceeds to tell me the history of why hi penis is uncut and how this realates to hitler at that time (which actually is a very interesting story, for real, but i'm just too tired now to type out the political ramifications of hitler on the czechs and how this relates to penii, at that time.
jesus h muthafuckin christ on a stick,
i gotta say even in the most liberal of all zones, with the most "sensitive" of hippy men, this world is fizucked up.
and i have my headache back and i am looking like a bedraggled dog.
but i have my period on full force which means i am not pregnent (yay!)
and i CANNOT WAIT TO RETURN HOME INTO THE ARMS OF MY LOVER, M!!!!!!
godddddaaaammmmittttttttt!
i wish i could teleport there right now.
i seriously need him bad. i need some heavy duty emergency spooning.
i am going to jump his bones the second i see him.
nothing can compare to him.
all men pale.
i'm glad i can take them on and aid in their heaing process and that some men are even open to the thought that i could heal them...or start the process of healing, more like. in fact, the army guy told me it was because of anacam he turned away from the "dark" and into the "light" and stopped sending young boys to their early graves. so ya, the work i do is good.
it's actually even saving lives (and right now M is saving mine!)
so praise be allah, zeus, medusa, and minerva.
*insert deity of choice*
i am 40 in portal.
i am a portal. i am a mediatrix, a healer.
and i'm damn good at it, if i might say so myself.
heck yes.
so even tho i will be arriving in mpls a not top nothc condition, i can say, i have taken on sonia's craft, i have sailed the seas, i have gone places most people fear, and i am a full fledged new age healer/ flakey ass hairdresser who will kick your ass.
so yeee hah, eh?
(sorry for any typos, like i am actually going to go through this and fix those? not.)
i am going to TRY and get 2 hours of sleep now.
and then pack, get cash for the cab, deal with the airport, battle customs like a viking, and then jump into the arms of M for all of eternity
Posted by ANA on July 18, 2006 at 10:48:47:
got back last night from canada. many stories to tell!
i'll get my things in order and settle down.
and then tell you stories and such :)
so many photos to comb through, too.
it will be a big project :)
i missed you all!
m is in my bed :)
he cleaned my house while i was gone!
purrrr :)
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