july 3rd , 2006
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4:23am

i did it.
i made webcam 32 send the "thumbnail" to the smaller cam. huzzah.
i feeling of satisfaction if i just don't wake up to see my new computer frozen up!
i can't have different captions on each one. there are no pretty filters.
but fuck, at least i have the cams running in ana2.
i've been working on this nonstop for 9 hours today.
now for anacam.....what to about THAT?
one step at a time.
i can tell you i'm glad i got the cams running in ana2 even at the lowest level because M is coming over tomorrow and we have things planned :)
w00t!
slowly but surely.
*whew"
pray that this works at least for ana2.

may the webcam god/desses see my dedication and let us all benefit from it!

sleepy time.
i am a viking warrior.
i don't give up easily.

i talked to jennifer from jennicam tonight.
it was good :)
i miss her!
she's doing REALLY well!

---

downloaded the trial version of webcam32.
it will last for 10 days before i have to buy it.
so there is a cam on the big cam , at least.
that is all i can do for tonight.
at least one is up and running.
good ol webcam32.
trying now for hours (to no avail) how to get the thumbnail to be the small cam.

M's account of last night (he explains it a bit better than i:

Tue, Jul. 4th, 2006 12:05 am

at The Liffey i'm now terrible at keeping my journal up-to-date. dates with Ana Voog, nights with Ana Voog. last night being one of them... after waking late -- she's the first girl i've dated who's had the same sleep-scedule as me. it's nice -- some sunggling and loving, out to an Irish Pub in St. Paul called THE LIFFEY. the ambiance was dark and woody and well-done, pretty polished, and oddly the music was all early 80's stuff -- THE POLICE, THE GO-GO's, THE CARS, FLOCK OF SEAGULLS. right up Voog's alley :) she loves New Age and early 80's pop stuff. she thinks it is the shiz-nit, and gets an additional kick as it is the music that was at the cutting-edge at the time when i was born: 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983. we got flirted and kissed and talked and no doubt made quite the spectacle of ourselves, as usual. but last night was actually very very tame. for us. we ordered a bunch of appetizers because neiother of us had eaten all day, and it was 11 o' clock. little Reuben sandwhiches and British-style chips with curry sauce and horseradish, and garlicky-cheesy sauteed mushrooms. it was all very rich. and gave both of us stomach-aches the next day....i'm pretty sure that they were the culprit. and out of the blue, this English man is at the bar and orders a plate of sausages. "sausages," he says, "well-done. tell the chef, yeah? well-done." Ana says to me, "he's in the music biz, i think." "yeah? he's got a beautiful accent, anyway" i say. "yeah," says Ana, "he's a manager or a producer, or something." "you should ask him, maybe," i say. and so she does, she says "so what brings you to this strange land of ours?" and the English Man responds, "sex...sex with promiscuous girls." laughs all around. he's smiling big, then says "no no, i'm in a band actually." "o what band?" says Ana. "O before your time, love," says the English Rockstar. "HA!" says Ana. "I'm 40, you know." The English Rockstar is legitimately taken aback. "O, I thought you were what, 24, 25, yeah?" he says. "what's he?" He points at me. "25?" "24," I say. "So what band are you in?" Ana says, a little laugh in her voice, big smile. "Herman's Hermits," says the English Rockstar -- the Drummer of HERMAN'S HERMITS. The last Remaining Original Hermit, alias: "The Bean". so we talked with him for awhile, or Ana did, i just laughed and smiled and went along for the ride. he was a decent enough guy, The Hermit. charming. funny. a bit too much a Guy's Guy for me. and intolerant of large people riding in air-planes. but overall, decent. entertaining. and he was in HERMAN'S HERMITS, for cryin' out loud. what an odd coincidence. and as if that was not enough, as he was leaving -- The Hermit -- the guitarist for Jefferson Airplane/Starship walks up and introduces himself (to The Hermit) and says "yeah yeah we're playing tomorrow too" at such-and-such a place. and they chat it up and say nice to meet you, and disappear to whatever bars or clubs or parties they were off to next. weird, eh? it's a weird world. there i am in this Irish Pub connected to the St. Paul Holiday Inn eating mini-Reuben sandwhiches with Ana Voog, who's my girlfriend, and chatting it up with "The Bean" from HERMAN'S HERMITS and running into one of the guitarists from JEFFERSON AIRPLANE/STARSHIP. it's a strange world. small world.

i would like to add to this the fact that "the bean" said they were now so old they threw televisions INTO hotel rooms instead of out :)

---

ok, i try to configure the coffee cup software thing.
and i upload the image and it says there is no such file or directory.
which is nonsense.
it's totally there.
http://www.ana2.com/private/cam/cam1.jpg
i know what the freaking url to my cam image is.
just what the fuck?

ok, all i could get it to upload to is just anacam.com
using no directory whatsoever.
there SHOULD be an image at anacam.com/cam1.jpg
but guess what...there isn't.
i give up for tonight.
at least for now.
maybe jason can figure this out for me tomorrow, if he is around.
suckfest times infinity

11:44pm

downloading this coffeecup webcam software thing.
see if i can get THAT to work.
eating cheese and bread and IMing with M.

10:54pm

i go to the koolkam page to download that but you need to register before you can do anything.
i register.
i click on every fucking link which takes me to the same motherfucking page.
i click on "purchase" nothing happens.
nothing happens nothing happens nothing happens.
why why why.

and webcam32 is 40 bucks. if i have to buy it again it will be the 3rd time i have had to buy that thing.
and it's not what i want. and it doesn't do anything i want except send one frickin image to one place.
i am beyond frustrated.
do i pay 40 bucks right now so i can send ONE image in it's most basic form to ana2?
no more 2 sizes for ana2.
and then what for anacam?
jason could make me what i need if only he had the time and i could afford him.

10:35pm

downloaded the last version of chillcam available.
chillcam 2.3.6
configured it. and now when i turn on my aloecam to capture the image it says "bad image"
and now their are red x's where my cam image should be on ana2.
WHAT THE FUCK?
all i can think of is that this early version must need to be configured differently than the others....
but HOW?
i'm definitely not going out tonight,
i'm not in the mood at all.
this is all really bumming me out.

and i found an early version of pink mouse image organizer and was excited for a sec until i discovered after downloading it , ti would not run at all.

my life is completely blessed and cursed at the same time.

9:55pm

ok, now i'm getting somewhere with this thing, slightly.
good lord this has to be the most frustrating anagram i have ever made in my life.
and my chillcam has ceased functioning again.
and when i turn it back on all my configurations are lost.
i woudl try koolkam but koolkam will only make a 320 by 240 pic not a 640 by 480.
and the maker of it SAYS it will ftp multiple images to different places but provides no manual for this.
nor can i make different captions and different effects for each different photo.
and webcam32 is really stable but only ftps to one place at a time with no effects whatsoever.
just shoot me.

 

9:33pm

so i saw i can choose in this thing how many images i want it to show, so i picked 83, which is how many i have left to show u, and it only made 12.
who ARE these software engineers who are making these things, and what are they THINKING?

 

9:12pm

well, i don't know what the deal with this thumb/gallery maker is.
there are wayyyyyyy more pictures here than are shown, like 100.
like can it only handle 16 at a time?
gah. that SUCKS!

 

8:51pm

well, i guess it works.
and that si better than nothing.
i'll try to figure out the ins and outs of it later.
now i am going to try to get up all the rest of the photos for you.
yesterday was so frustrating, camwise, because m and i had sex and made all these great pix only to find that NONE of them were being uploaded. we were so bummed out because we like to see what we look like when we have sex as much as anyone else. we ran to the computer after to see our pictures and there were none!

extremely disappointing.

and then my hair has turned into this wild thing that is going to take me days to comb out.
i mean really, i had pictures of it i thought were being sent to you.
lots of sweet pictures of m and i trying to untangle my hair.
again, none made it to you or us.
argh.

and then, as i said yesterday, we went to a pub and ran into a guy from herman's hermits and a guy from jefferson airplane/starship and it was totally surreal.
i could go "party" with them tonight but i don't know if i am up for it.
i slept in until 7pm today!
my schedule is totally whacked.

so i don't know if i am going to, in a few hours, try to make myself go to bed to get myself on a better schedule or if i am going to go hang out with bands from the 60's and try to glean stories from them.
for i love stories.

8:47pm

testing out this new thumbnail gallery maker thing.
it's really aggravating to me so far.
i hope this works, so i am testing with 3 images.*crosses fingers*

 

8:36pm

here a bunch of messages from under the bed that i amde while i could not get a new anagram up, so i used under the bed as my journal.
i still am in software hell. i cannot get either chillcam or aloecam to work correctly. it's like they are posssessed my some sort of nonsense entity from hell. i'm going out of my mind trying to figure out WTF.
and i've downloaded a new thumbnail programme so i can get the pictures i HAVE actually made up to you here, today.

but for now, i just at least want to get the text in here. so here it is from the latest to the last:

Posted by ANA on July 03, 2006 at 08:43:12:

i installed yet a 3rd version of chillcam.
chillcam 2.4.0
it's the version i've always used but i cannot even get that one to work properly.
everything is acting completely whacked out
cam1 thinks it's cam 2
cam 1 will not ftp up
i cannot make a shortcut of this chillcam to my desktop, and if i shut it down i lose all my configurations and have to start over.

my aloecam which saves the images is also whacked out.
it says the imae is old even when it's new.
and saves pictures even when it says it isn't

it also thinks the small cam is the big cam or something.
i mean it's just absolutely bonkers not making any bit of sense whatsoever.

i'm having a total anxiety attack.

i went to go redownload pink mouse image organizer which is essential for making all my thumbnails, and it's not even available anymore.
but they will still give help to registered users, which i am, but it's all on my old harddrive.

i want to jump of a building. i've had 6 xanax and it doesn't even make a dent in my anxiety.

in happier news m and i went to a pub last night and met a guy who is in the 60's band herman's hermits.
and then as we were talking to him he ran into someone from jefferson airplane.
it was surreal.
and i know where they are all going to meet tonight and i could go hang out with all of them if i wanted to tonight.
which i might do if my anxiety goes away.

---

Posted by ANA on July 02, 2006 at 19:18:43:

sorry about the cam not refreshing today. gah!
i need to reinstall yet another version of chillcam. each one i get is so glichey it freezes up.
it is VERY frustrating!!!
and we made SO many cool pictures today that we were so excited about only to go back and find out that NONE of it was making it through
to you!!!!
SUCKFEST!
so yes, later on tonight i will uninstall this version and get a different version
*thousands of swear words*
sorry...working on things as much as i can here.
modern technology is not so modern.
---

Posted by ANA on July 01, 2006 at 20:47:45:

oh jeez, i hope the cam will be stable now.
fer cryin' out loud.
---

Posted by ANA on July 01, 2006 at 20:21:43:

uninstalled aol and then it made me reboot.
when i rebooted chillcam could not find it's config even tho i see it right there.

*slits thoat*

so...
i will go back and reinstall an older less glichey (hopefully) version of chillcam (ole skool)

fuckin' a and all this #$$%^&*& configuring.

---

Posted by ANA on July 01, 2006 at 20:01:30:

so far i have both ana2 cams working :)
the main free one on anacam, not sure if i put that file in the right directory.
now i need to change that anagram that's been up forever.
still a lot of configuring to do. workign on stuff.
have to install aloecam back on so i can capture and archive my cam pix.
sorry it's just me on cam doing boring things after a week of wild sex.
but it's just the way it goes!
but there will be more to come.
(no pun intended:)
M works until 11:30pm tonight so i'll bet he'll be super tired.
he actually did spend the night here last night because there was a very loud party happening at his house with a rap band and it was very hot out and he has no air conditoning.
i promised i'd let him sleep, but then i didn't :)
so today he has GOT to be radically tired!
man, even i am tired.

---

Posted by ANA on July 01, 2006 at 13:10:28:

i'm typing to you on my new computer.
it's now connected to the internet and stuff.
and my cam is ALMOST on...there is just something wrong with the configuration of something and so the
photo is not making it to the page.
i'm trying to figure out why.

jason went to go see the new superman movie and when he comes home he will help me again.
god , this is such a pain in the ass. cords are everywhere.
so much software to download.

i can't get my old harddrive into this new computer because it doesn't fit for some reason.

so i still need to get all that off. like maybe jason is going to stick the harddrive in his computer and then burn cds of it all and give them to me so i can get everything back on here.

i downloaded the trial version of chillcam, a different version than i normally use.
so i'm trying to figure it out because it has all these new things on it.

so we are ALMOST there....so so so close to getting the cams back and running.
inches away.
it's maddening.

thank you for your patience!

---

Posted by ANA on June 30, 2006 at 18:43:22:

jason is IMing me from the alice cooper show that was oudoors today and free.
too hot and crowded for me.
he is trying to meet alice cooper somehow.

i am jumping up and down to dirk wears white sox by adam and the antz.

deiter is playing with the foam things that the computer came in.

it's dusk and i want to dance
i want a bonfire

someone come over here and put this damn computer together for me!
my attention span is completely obiliterated right now!

*boing boing boing*

---

Posted by ANA on June 30, 2006 at 18:26:24:

http://sixthirteen.org/blog/2002/07/the_lover_within.php

i put a bunch of boks on my wishlist about it.
there are so many.
i hope i can find one that i can understand clearly.
this one looks good, thanks to pinkveneer, who always recommends to me the best things :)
she is a woman of wise and good taste :)
i am honoured to know her just the little bit i do :)

life looks exciting
so much to learn and explore
my heart feels so full as if to burst

M gets off work in 10 minutes.
he is probably so tired now running on so little sleep.
so i probably won't see him tonight because i'll bet he just needs to chill out and catch up on sleep.

my heart is just vibrating in chest.
sometimes it feels really good and sometimes it's almost painful and scares me.

i feel like a need a wooden stake pushed through me to release the energy.
i don't know what to do with it. it's just swirling and swirling.
i would like to just scream or something to release it but that would freak the neighbours out.
i feel like beating on my chest or i need to lay on the ground and let the energy drain into the earth's core.

it's to bad it's getting dark out now and mosquitoes are out.
also i'm not sure how well received a woman screaming her energy into the earth's core would go around here.
it's so unfair.
i need my own little plot of earth to do my will.

---

Posted by ANA on June 30, 2006 at 15:43:10:

ohmigod howie!
i was just looking at this yesterday and totally wanting it sooooo bad!
have i walked into heaven or something?
all of a sudden it's like gifts are falling out of the sky all over me!
complete happiness!
i can't wait to watch it and listen to it on my new computer!
*dies*!
THANK YOU!!!!!!
---

Posted by ANA on June 30, 2006 at 15:28:07:

wow, they said my monitor would not arrive until the 6th, but it came today! yay!
jason can help me set up most of this tomorrow. he is coming over tomorrow at 1pm to move my old hardrive over and get me macromedia dreamweaver.
tonight i will download the trial version of it so at least i can make a somewhat new anagram.
i have to find the registration code for my chillcam, but that is on my old hardrrive, i think.
and also he will move the video capture cards over...which i thought this computer had but i guess there is a difference between a video capture card and a plain old video card?
how did i not know this for all this time?

so, ya, just one more day and things should be up and running.
i won't go into th eboring details of everything that needs to be done and configured, but it makes me dizzy just thinking about it.
and it's freaking hot today. like 90 degrees.

i have my air conditioner on high and it seems to not even make a dent in it.

hung out with M all day yesterday because he had the day off.
now i think he works a whole gob of days in a row.
we were sad we could not capture the almost 5 hours worth of sex we had yesterday :)
good lord, that man can go forever, it's fucking heaven.
we are insatiable.
we went out to eat at this little french type place and nibbled on various cheese, olives, and pates and had delicious belgian beer.
we held hands as we walked back to the car and he pulled me close to him and kissed me savagely out of the blue.
we're so in love it's sickening.
we can't keep our hands off each other.
even after we were in the car on the way home, we could not make it even 5 blocks before we had to pull over immediately and make out in the backseat of his beat up car with no window :)
it was so totally teenager, and we laughed so hard because the second we started kissing some led zepplin song was playing on his car radio, and then right after that it was ac/dc's "dirty deeds done dirt cheap"
and we sang along to it at the same time kissing and grinding against each other and also just laughing our asses off about what perfectly teenagery moment it was. like something out of a movie. we expected a cop to pull along side any minute and give us a ticket for lewd behaviour or something.

then i really bad song came on that we didn't know that ruined out vibe so we got back on the road again with huge grins on our faces.
it was just such a delicious moment :)

my hair is such a fucking mess, i seriously do NOT know how i am going to comb it out.. it's going to take hours. he has seriously FELTED my hair.
john galliano would be impressed by it's avant gardeness, and done with no hairspray!

when i am gone to vancouver, m will stay at my place with the dogs and house sit.
so i hope you will not mind it will be Mcam for a week.
i have NO idea what he will do with the cam but it's got to be better than just watching a cam where nothing is happening because i am gone :)

i am hoping he will do little "shows" for me or something which i can look back on and see when i come home :)

so all you ana2 manlovers, you'll be very happy. and i'm sorry the rest of you will just have to wait until i come home so i can jump his bones 'cause i know i'll be missing him so.

and of course i'll take a ton of pix when i'm in vancouver.

but this isn't until july 10th, so it'll still be awhile.

last night i showed M the 1st 2 pink floyd records. one side of each.
and a little bit of adam and the ant's dirk wears white sox, and some negativland :)

he also got to try a raw oyster for the 1st time which he seriously almost gagged to death on, but i congratulated him on his guts to do it. it's nice to be with someone who will try new food. he also had liver pate for the 1st time, and goat cheese.

i must say it's really fun to be the older person showing him all these things which he has never tried before.
like anal play and other strange body sensations :)
and i FINALLY came last night with his fingers inside me.
ohhhhhh, yesssssssss :)

we also have come up with a thing called "ambient fucking"
which is where you do it as slow as possible or do not even move at all. we will be happy to present to you "ambient fucking" soon.

and he is so quirky and sweet. he can go to totally screwing my brains out to all of a sudden, very gently fixing my eyelashes because a dog hair got in my eye or something. and he will do it with such tenderness and completeness, and like a brain surgeon.
i've never felt more CARED for.
it's overwhelming really and i cannot believe how lucky i am.
i can't even explain it. it's supernatural.
i can say for sure that no one has ever loved me in this way before.
it's so amazing it's beyond amazing.
and OHMIGOD he eats pussy like some sort of master from a different realm. i mean, there is NO ONE that has ever come close to being that good. it's like he is a woman or something. it's off the charts.
i didn't even know it was POSSIBLE for someone to be that good.
it completely blows my mind.

i am just sitting here in complete and utter awe.
my heart is yearning, and i have to stop writing about this now and get this computer set up so you all can SEE something.

it pains me to think of all the wonderful sex that did not get documented.
we both like to go over the pictures and go "ooo, remember that? oh ya...and then we did that..."
i'm so lucky.
i'm the luckiest person in the entire world.

----

Posted by ANA on June 29, 2006 at 12:38:02:

(but not the monitor)

but at least the computer is here and jason can help me putting back all my stuff on it :)
sos ana2 should be up and running very soon now :)

---

Posted by ANA on June 28, 2006 at 14:05:06:

i went to his house and saw it for the 1st time.
a crazy evening. one minute i am ok, the next minute i am sobbing and want to die, the next minute i am watching the sun rise from his doorstep wearing one of his shirts, this is how i meet his roomates.
hi, i say half naked and drunk.
one minute i am deeply in love, the next moment i want to die.
i have to get a book that helps me with this energy, it's so intense.

it brings out th best and worst in me.
he is coming over tonight and i say please let me make it up to you.
he says there is nothing to make up and he holds me.
still, i feel a need to counteract my psychoness with kissing him for 4 hours straight.

god i am psycho and in love. a lethal combination.
it took all power not to give hin head in the car...i don't want to crash.
but i am a banshee.
i wild fucking banshee.

insatiable
i'll make it up to him to tonight and kiss him til his lips turn numb.

i think i went a little nuts because on the cab ride there with the black man
(i must say this because they say when you go black you never go back...i have yet to see this theory in action)

his name was louis. he likes anal sex and described to me in detail how he would everything.
i knew he wqs a good guy but it scared me a little of course.
he want a different route and i was like, am i going to die?

it took me hours to
digest that and then i just became a weeping willow.

thank god M is coming over tonight so i can make it up to him.
god i fucking love him.

thank god for him putting up with my psycho antics,but who would be a little freaked by a cab driver explainibg explicity how he wants to fuck your ass for 5 hours.

fuck.
it's a weird world.
but i have M tonight i will hold him and hold him and hold him.
i want to make sure he is ok.

taking me on as a girlfriend is no small thing.
i'm a handful

---

Posted by ANA on June 28, 2006 at 13:41:24:

Pedalling through
The dark currents
I find
An accurate copy
A blueprint
Of the pleasure
In me

Swirling black lilies totally ripe
A secret code carved
Swirling black lilies totally ripe
A secret code carved

He offers
A handshake
Crooked
Five fingers
They form a pattern
Yet to be matched

On the surface simplicity
But the darkest pit in me
It's pagan poetry
Pagan poetry

Morsecoding signals (signals)
They pulsate (wake me up) and wake me up
(pulsate) from my hibernating

On the surface simplicity
Swirling black lilies totally ripe
But the darkest pit in me
It's pagan poetry
Swirling black lilies totally ripe
Pagan poetry

Swirling black lilies totally ripe

I love him, I love him
I love him, I love him
I love him, I love him
I love him, I love him
She loves him, she loves him

This time
She loves him, she loves him
I'm gonna keep it to myself
She loves him, she loves him
She loves him, she loves him
This time
I'm gonna keep me all to myself
She loves him, she loves him
And he makes me want to hurt myself again
She loves him, she loves him
She loves him, she loves him
And he makes my want to hand myself over

----

Posted by ANA on June 27, 2006 at 18:39:58:

i went for a walk by the river. it's gorgeous out. in the 70's.
everyone was out. i was listening to coldplay's record again, the cold rish of blood to the head or whatever it's called.
it's become "the album" that will always remind me of this time in my life.
god whoever wrote the lyrics is good.
i've been listening to this record for over a year or something but i never really payed attention to the lyrics.
i never really pay attenntion to the lyrics of most things. i don't know why. fort some people lyrics is the only thing they listen to and they love a song just for the lyrics. i can just love a song for the song and the sound
of the words but not the actual meaning behind the words.
it's how i work on my songs, too.
lyrics come last.
i do it backwards.

anyway, i don't know how to describe what i jjst experienced because now i'm losing my train of thought because jason kept IMing about his hair and if i could come over there and help him with it or something.
and it just kind fo blew my whole vibe. but that's ok because he'll be helping me with my new computer.
so we have that deal, i help him with his dreads and he helps me with my computer.
thank god he got dreads the second we broke up otherwise i'd have nothing to bargain with him for his
skills. ha :)

going on the walk was bittersweet but mostly sweet.

i think i can say that without a doubt today was the 1st day i've felt "in love" without the fear part mixed in.
that totally floating "high on life" beaming light out of my eyes.
i feel really good, like there are cracks in me all over and laserbeams are shooting through the cracks.
like i am an egg and light is about to be born.

i have music in me and lyrics, too, even.
i wrote bits down.
i don't know what will make it into actual music.

i seriously felt so good and it felt so good to walk at such a quick pace, the release and the physicality of it was just what i needed. my heart pounding, my body sweating.
i felt like electricity was shooting through my fingertips and laserbeams were shooting out of my eyes.
i wondered if anyone could tell, but no one seemed to notice.

i walked by where the frogs sing.
little yellow flowers are everywhere and purple thistles, too.

i seriously felt like i was almost on E or something.
even now everything has a glow about it and my eyes feel funny.

i have more to say but i'll say it later. i better go check up on jason's hair now because i think M get's home any sex (ha, typo, i meant to type sec and went back to fix it and STILL made the same typo) and i want to talk to him when he gets home.

----

Posted by ANA on June 27, 2006 at 15:24:52:

4:11pm

i'm not going to make it to that place today to get my birth certificate. i'll do that tomorrow.
i took a bath and untangled my hair, but still have a ways to go in the untangling dept.
but can't deal with that now because i need to write.
i need to get a book on sex energy or tantric sex or something.
i need to know what i am working with here because it's nothing to be fucked with (no pun intended)
it's like i am doing energy work on myself and trying to heal so many wounds. i made myself come in the tub an it took forever and pretty much every finger i had and it wasn't even that great of an orgasm but it made my scream outloud so i know there is something in there that needs releasing. and i am trying to figure out how to release with no harm to anyone.
it's hard to figure this all out on my own and it's very complicated but i am determined to do it because i can't live with this energy in me anymore. i need a clean slate, even tho, as tori told me when can never separate ourselves from our past. i'm not sure i entirely believe that, but it makes sense to be true. i can see it many different ways. but that is another subject.
i was watching the unedited interview i had with tori with m the other day and it made SO much more sense to me now than it did at the time. i'm REALLY glad i watched it again. i needed to.
i was under the impression at the time that maybe my interview with her was not that great, but in retrospect i think it was an awesome interview.
and again, that is another subject.

so basically, (but you know this won't be basic at all because i have a feeling this is going to be a long one), my interactions with men, even tho i love them all awfully so much, have not been the positive experiences for me, especially sexually.
and this has built up over time a real confusion and hurt in me.
as it does to so many other women (and men) on this planet.

my 1st sexual experience with another human being was with a neighbour girl. we would just hump. she showed me how but would always cover my face with a scarf because she said she was the man and i was too delicate to watch because i was playing the woman.
now i have NO idea wtf that was about. but there you have it.

the 1st guy i ever kissed was a senior who had graduated. and i was in 11th grade, i guess. supposedly he was highly coveted and all the women drooled over him, i was told this later when i would tell what boy i had kissed and they couldn't believe how lucky i was to have HIM.
i guess he was also the captain of the football team and he was also a very rich spoiled preppy. he wore polo cologne which i still cannot stand to this day.
he took me to the family yacht where i preceded to hive him head. i thought it was going to taste like honey, having read that is what it is supposed to taste lie from cheesy paperback erotic novels. and i was surprised as hell when it tasted like a cross between hydrogen peroxide and snot. and then that was that. and i was confused. actually i think a few days before this he had tried to go down on me but he did it so rough that it totally hurt like hell. so finally i just told him to stop which HE took to mean i had just had an orgasm and he asked me how it was to have an orgasm for the 1st time. and i was pretty befuddled that he actually thought i had had an orgasm, and i thought it was naive to think that was my 1st one. he was really full of himself.
and once i decided i didn't want to have any more sexual encounters with him any more because they were extremely unsatisfying to me, he dropped me like a hot potato and never called me again.
such was my very 1st experience of being used for sex.

then i probably made out with a bunch of guys at some parties. it's unmemorable.
then my 1st boyfriend, who was extremely eager to figure out how i came and as soon as he did figure it out, he became completely uninterested in it. as if he had solved the rubick's cube and now he was bored with that game. i was a puzzle, he thought he solved me, but he didn't.
then basically just completely fucked me up emotionally and that is a really long story i don't feel like typing right now because it makes me sick.

then i went out with various guys and made out. sometimes i'd give them head and they'd come. never once did they return the favour.
in fact, i had a guy who fucked me during half time of a football game and then when running back to the tv once he had come. i mean, just shit like this over and over again.

then my 2nd boyfriend. we clicked completely sexually. it was like electricty. we both felt it and were in awe of it.
but then he became physically abusive so i stopped wanting sex with him and then he would really sulk about it as if i OWED him sex which turned me off further. and then he went and fucked a bunch of underage girls and he was violent and i got a restraining order on him.

then a bunch of guys again, some of them the same ones from before.
nice to kiss. i'd give them head, they'd fuck me, never ONCE did they return the favour. never once did they even TRY.
this went on for years until i just started thinking maybe i should try women instead. i made a few come. and again, they did not return the favour. i don't know what the fuck is the deal.

i think i've had sex with about 50 men or so. only 3 have ever made me come.

oh, and the english boyfriend. ya, he was a real winner. he was the 1st person i tried to do anal sex with, but we didn't knwo how to do it so there wass no lubrication so it hurt me. i told him to stop because he was hurting me and he wouldn't. he just continued to hurt me until he came. also, he knew i do not like to swallow sperm. i wish i did, but i just do not. unless i've had a few drinks, then i can. i made him promise to always tell me when he was going to come so that he would not come in my mouth. he broke him promise to me and came in my mouth and i immedietely sprung out of the bed in his midorgasm and shouted "WHAT THE FUCK?????" and his reply was that he thought he could just "teach me" to like it.

it still hurts to think back on that.
all of this.

then just so much else. guys who would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with me. the list goes on and on.

then jason and i won't even get into that.

and by this time, as of a few months ago, i was just so desperate for love i would just get drunk and start wandering the streets for someone to at least fuck me or kill me. i didn't care which one. i just wanted some sort of contact. i thought, well maybe i'll just "run into" sommething or someone that will put an end to my misery and either love me or kill me.

but i wanted to live so i broke up with jason.
it was actually mutual because having a girlfriend who wanders off into the streets drunk at night doing god knows what is no happy thing.
and we found ourselves in a horrible catch 22.
long story.

so along comes M. and it's electric again, like i had with my 2nd boyfriend before he started trying to choke me or beat me to death.
and M is aware of this energy, too.
and this is what i have been wanting to explore for so long.
the energy of everything. the energy and how it flows through our bodies, throuh our houses, through the earth, and how it all fits together. that excites me.

(oh ya, i forgot to mention the guy who buusted in my house and tried to rape me, that was pretty much the changing point of my entire life)

i am excited to meet someone who wants to explore this with me and who is so aware of it that it's uncanny.
but right now, because of all that has happened to me, i'm a little warped about sex. for one thing, and this is something i've only told 2 people because i find it to be so fuct up i can't even talk about it,
is that the only way i can "allow" myself to come is i either have to imagine that i am a man and i am using someone the way i have been used, because i associate being used with orgasm, because that is the connection that has been made for me from being so used. either that or i have to imagine someone has a gun to my head and they tell me i have to come or else they will shoot me. these are not "fantasies".
they don't turn me on but they allow me to come. because god forbid i should just want to come purely for selfish reasons like all the other men who have come in me have.
i equate having an orgasm with being a selfish pig. so i have to either become a selfish pig or have a gun to my head and be forced to come in order to be 'allowed" to come.
and i think that is horribly fucked up.

it's different with M , tho.
i knew this right away. when he comes it is beautiful. it is like he is giving me a gift not using me as a hole to just jack off into.
he's like here....here is a precioous gift for you. a little piece of me in which i TRUST you to handle with care and respect. it's precious. it's a GIFT.

when his cock is in me and he comes and he shoots it up my spine it's like he is breaking up a dark iceberg in me that has been created in my center from all the years of abuse i have been through. and it's breaking up now and melting or something and all this fear and sorrow that has been built up over decades is finally slowly starting to release out of me. and it's hard to describe but it's incredibly frightening as much as i am excited to have it leave me.
but ya, to use a really corny analogy, it's like i have the death star in me and he is luke skywalker going straight in to blow it up.
and i don't knwo if he is realizing he is doing this, but i guess he will now when he reads this.
and so i hope he will not be frightened that this is happening.
i suppose it would be natural for him to be.
i mean *I* am. because i have held the death star in me for so long, i don't know how to release it. and i don't even knnow why it got there in the 1st place although as you can see in retrospect why.
and no one teaches you this in school, the power of energy in it's many forms and how you can either use it to heal or really fuck a person up badly.

i feel like a sexual priestess of the temple trying to re-rememeber and regain the knowledge of what sex is and what it is about and how to use it to heal and not destroy.
but 1st i must heal myself. and i have to understand what it is so i can recognize it when i see it in others and then maybe have suggestions on how to heal other people, kind of like how annie sprinkle does, in a way.

back in the times of the bible they used the word "know" for sex.
if they wrote "he knew her" it means he had sex with her.
but we have lost that meaning entirely.
to have sex with a person, is to KNOW them. it is to feel their inner core and exchange energies at a very deep level. it's the physical version of telepathy.
and when M has sex with me he does not just have sex with me, he KNOWS me. and each time he knows more and more, and vice versa.
i think he is the only person who has ever TRULY wanted to KNOW me.
and i am so excited. i can barely contain myself!

so things are shifting in me. the death star is being blown to bits and dark chunks are trying to make their way through my body to be expelled.

maybe this is what i feel when i say i feel a hole is in my heart.
before their was the deathstar and now there is a void. and i want to fill this void with love.

there are so many processes going on right now within me that it's impossible to describe in words. so many layers to this. i've barely even begun to touch upon what it is....as a verb.

so many levels of fear and anguish. i'm so fucking ready to let go of it, you have no idea. i am so ready.
but i'm still afraid of it. i want it to disssipate with harm to none.
and so i am working on doing this.

i am trying to figure out it's shape, where it is in my body, the ways in which it is being released. the ways in which it is fighting in me not to die, but it has to die. be transformed.

maybe the reason i cannot come easily now is because i have to learn to come without the gun to my head.
and i just don't know how. i don't know any other way except for the way i have been taught.

how can i learn to come as a gift to my lover?
i have always wanted to come this way, but since no man (or woman) has ever KNOWN me, they have never viwed any orgasm i had as a guft. they think of it as just an orgasm because that's the way they view their orgasm. it's just junk food. a way to scratch the itch, get it off your mind.
you had an orgasm, i had an orgasm, boom we're done, we're "even".

no one has ever just wanted me to come just for the pleasure of me coming. i have always been made to feel that my orgasm was more of a chore than a gift. like jesus christ come already so i can go to sleep, my tongue is getting sore.
and then i feel so guilty, like such a terrible burden.
so then i have to become a man to come. i don't want this way anymore.
i want to be a woman who comes for her lover as a cherished gift.
and i want this gift to be seen, cherished, realized, KNOWN, and loved as a precious and unique thing only for them. i want M to look into my eyes when i come and to know me like no man has ever.

----

Posted by ANA on June 27, 2006 at 12:55:28:

i am nervous.. i am always nervous.
i am overwhelmed.
i have to get my shit together to cross the canadian border.
i have my birth certificate but , for reasons i don't have the nergy to explain, it confuses people.
so i need to go to the place to get a new one.
hilariously, the address to this place is 555.
that number follows me everywhere right now.

so i need to take my bath, get cash in case they don't take a cheque or credit card and go down there and deal with getting my birth certificate.

if i can just so that ONE thing today, that will be good.
i have to stay on track. i'm walking a thin line right now between massive depression and complete elation.
it's a fine fine fine line.

but so far so good.

just one step at a time i have to keep remindiing myself. just one step at a time, don't try to take it in all at once. just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and eventually i will get there.

the trip to vancouver is coming up so soon.
whoooosh.
the 10th will be upon me in a matter of minutes, it seems.

i'm excited but i feel topsy turvsy.

i need to send fiber to 3 of my friends for this "spin off" we are doing.
but i also must document my process with photos as i do it, too, i think?
god, my brain is almost on the edge of frying.

i cannot form sentences, i'm trying to figure out the whole "tangible interest" thing for a birth certificate.

you would think the fact that i am up and about , walking and alive, would be proof enough of my birth.
but hey maybe i could be a zombie or a vampire.
so...
ya.

proof of my birth. prove i was born so i can cross an arbitrary line that someone has drawn in the sand of the earth so i can learn how to braid in hair into people's heads.

sometimes i just cannot even believe, take in, or understand how insanely weird my life is or seems to be.

i want to eat something but i am not hungry. food doesn't stay in me anyway, so what is even the point of eating?

ya, ok, so...ya...stop procastinating and go get proof i was born.
that is the task at hand.
this is so hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.

-----

Posted by ANA on June 27, 2006 at 11:50:18:

it's 12:36pm and i'm waking up.
i was awakened by really loud and terrible jazz music being played live outside.
god, i hate it. it filtered into my dream for awhile, that now i can't remember.
at first i thought it was coming from some person's car and i was goiong to open my window and tell them
to shut the fuck up. but as i became more awake i realized it was a band playing somewhere.

it's so weird, but almost everytime i wake up i forget where i am and everything about my life and who i am now. i have to reorient myself to my partment and the layout of it. sometimes i lay in bed with my eyes closed and try to re-remember where i am and i can't until i open my eyes. i forget what is outside my window,
which side of the building i am on. i forget if i have a boyfriend and if i do, who is he? i forget even who i am
and what i am doing on this planet. it only lasts for a few minutes but everytime it's the strangest experience.

it's amazing how fragile memory is. sometimes memory is so powerful it can overtake you.
and then sometimes *poof* it's just gone like forgeting a certain word for something.
life seems so solid, but it is fleeting.

all the fears i wrote about yesterday feel like years ago now.
whatever fear "spell" i was in last night seems to have vanished with whatever dreams i was having.
maybe i'll remember my dreams later.

why is it that fear and strong emotions like fear are so much more powerful at night than in the day?
there has to be a reason for it.

i feel a lot more normalized today. more "myself"
whatever that means.
my heart does not hurt like it did.
i don't feel like there is a hole in me.

connecting with another person at the emotional/physical/spiritual level as m and i did this weekend was such an intense experience for me. it was hard for me to disconnect from it and sort it through my body like my stomache would digest a salad. as all the cells break it down and whisk away the elements to where my body needs it most. iron goes here, vitamin c goes here, carbs go here, zinc goes here, things the body does not need go here.

ya, my entire being was digesting that and i felt like a person who had never eaten before and so was like wtf is going on here? what are these processes? what is heartburn and why am i still hungry?
i was looking for the multidimensional maalox or tums or something.
heck i don't even know. i've never had the experience of having sex using all the layers of oneself and not just the physical. and it's something i have wanted to "play with" all my life. but like a child who doesn't understand fire, i touched the burner on the stove and was confused. something like that.

oh i remember my dreams now.
these guys were getting tattoos and also branding done to them.
this one guy wanted the cover for the book of scientology branded on one leg and i wish i could remember what the other book was he was to have done on the other leg. bu as he saw the branding iron come at him he changed his mind and said no no nonononononono! i've changed my mind! i'm serious! if you brand me with that i will sue your ass for 10 million dollars! and the 2 men holding the branding irons thought about it and then cruelly just decided to brand him anyway because they thought he was being a big wimp and they had gone through all the trouble of carving out these very intricate brands.
then once i saw what the guy had picked to be branded with i felt really sorry for him. like dude what were you thinking? you want to book of scientology branded on your leg? and geez, i wish i could remember the other book. maybe it was alice in wonderland?
no, i don't think so, but i know i was looking at a copy of it in my dream and i didn't like that particular rendition of it.
all the illustrations were don all "modern" and they were all textural like an oil painting where you can see big gobs of paint.
and i was looking in a store full of jewelry ,at one point i was behind the register. it's all a fog now.

back to the branding place, some other guy had his legs branded, too, but he was happy with it but he was in extreme pain because of the burns. the men who branded him were getting him ice.

then i was in a mall that was also school. i was in kindergarten and the woman was showing us how to draw the letter A.
i thought, wow, this is easy, i could be a kindergarten teacher but i bet i'd get bored of it fast.
all the children were in rows and when they all bent down to pick somethin off the floor i could see all their underwear and for some reason this reminded me of the sports illustrated swim suit edition.
and i told the woman this and how i thought it was funny, but she didn't think it was funny at all. so i just said "forget this" and walked out of there.
then i was trying to find my locker but i couldn't remember which locker was mine. there were a bunch of us having this problem.
i needed to get into my locker because i wanted to go home and what i needed get home was in the locker.
i think it was snowing out.
i decided to just walk home, even tho it might take me days.
other fleeting thoughts are coming up from the dreams but they are so vague i don't know how to put it into any sort of context.

so here i am, back in my room in this life.
the mornal daily anxiety is starting to get its grip on me as i wake up more and more. like oh ya, my computer is broken. dell sent me an email to tell me my order has been shipped.
and i go oh ya, the bills, the cleaning, the dogs, the food, the bath, the laundry, the dishes, the mail and all the mundane things that need to be attended to keep my tiny houusehold up and running at a semi smooth basic level.
and oh ya, jason and i are not a couple anymore and my stomache makes a knot still.

and this whole fiber art diy channel thing needs my attention and i don't even know where to start.

and and in a few weeks i go to vancouver for a week to learn how to do hair extensions and i need to get all my ducks in order for that as in find my old passport and find my birth certificate and all that so i can make it across the border, because now you need all this extra stuff to cross. and what a pain in the ass that is.

and even tho the cams are not on, i still feel they are. it's so ingrained in me after so many years i can't even imagine what it's like to have them off even when they ARE off.

and i need to go to the store and buy some food and other boring things like lysol and bleach and fabric softner. and the dogs fingernails need to be clipped and it really just never ends.

so...there you have it...my thought upon waking.
and the feeling of strangeness is returning as i realize i cannot play any of my mp3s and must play a vinyl record instead. and i wonder if i should IM jason hello or just not. i don't know.

and i deleted dave n. off my Im a few days ago because i was becoming irritated with him and then readded him last night, i don't know why.
the panic channel. ha :) god.

i haven't taken prozac in a few days. maybe 5 or so, i'm not sure.
so far i don't feel any different off it than on it.
i know it wasn't the prozac that was making me unable to come because prozac has never interfered with that before.
but who knows, maybe my body chemistry changed overnight and now it was. i just don't know. i guess, for now, i'll just try and let go of the whole orgasm thing. maybe the only way to solve it it by not trying to solve it. so i'll try that route and see what happens.
earth and bodies are weird.

and the friend who i've known since i was 16 yeras old and took me off her friends list...i still haven't talked to her about that. i just don't have the energy yet. i wish i did.
but it weighs on me but i'm pretty upset with her because she called me pathetic in her journal (i think that entry was about me, it's still vague but i'm pretty sure it was) which really stung and i think was really passive aggressive and mean. so i'm just not sure where i want to stand with her now because saying that and taking me off her list and not even confronting me 1st about it all really just...well i just can't deal. talk about kicking a person when they are at their most vulnerable. it's like punching someone in the face who is in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. that's how i feel about it.
and if she cares so much about jason's feelings now, she sure as hell didn't when i was going down on her a year ago making her come like cat on fire. and all the times she tried to get me to do that again to her.
talk about hypocritical.

anyway, on with my day i go.
i'll put on some pretenders and make a bath.
see if maybe a part of my compuer arrived or something.
get some food in me.

now i't's 1:49pm

---

Posted by ANA on June 26, 2006 at 22:28:49:

i don't know how to start this or what i am going through. all i know
is i am very full of fear and my heart either feels likes it's burning and on fire with an unquenchable desire for M or there is just a black hole there that nothing and no one can fix.
i know we choose our relationships so we can explore and learn new things. sometimes the things we explore are terrifying and gutwrenchingly painful and confusing, that is where i am at right now.
i feel needy, pathetic, overbearing. i want to live inside of him or him inside of me. i feel unsafe. maybe unworthy of love, i'm not sure.
i feel broken. i cried for 45 minutes, shaking all over, listening to coldplay's "a rush of blood to the head".
i feel like something is terribly wrong with me. usually i can cum so easily, and many times. now it takes every effort in me to come only once. i don't know why this is happening. i feel cursed. i don't know what is going on? is it just fear? where am i blocked? what in the hell is going on with me? finally after extreme effort i came and then cried for 45 minutes, just a lost floating through space all alone kind of cry from the depth of your. the cry of a person doomed.
i finally get a lover, a real lover, a damn good lover, who loves me, and then all of a sudden i cannot cum. WHY? do i feel i don't deserve it or something? i can't seem to get to the root of it but i know it must be based in fear. maybe even self loathing i'm not sure. i'm trying to hard to figure it out.
i feel desperately needy and this makes me even more afraid because no one likes to be around a desperately needy person.
i wrote , before M and i got together that i didn't need anyone to complete me. yet now i find that i feel entirely uncomplete unless he is inside of me. i never want him to leave my body. i want to do it over and over and over again because i love the way he makes me feel filled.
i feel like a drug addict that needs a fix.
i have to be a complete person on my own. how did i get to be so needy?
i'm excruciatingly scared he will leave me. or that he will not understand what i am going through and distance himself from me because i am too intense.
it's one thing to be a reader of these words and another thing else entirely different to be exposed to the raw emotion from which they come, firsthand.
maybe i am better to know in an abstract sort of way.
it's interesting to watch an intense person be intense but when that intensity is all of a sudden focused on YOU in the realest sense possible, then that is pretty overwhelming for the other person.
i need to be healed. i need to be held. i need to be kissed and fucked over and over again. i feel like some sort of nympho.
i feel like a person who is starving but will always be starving.
like the universe is playing some horrible trick on me like....you can come 44 times in a row but you can't have a lover, or you can have a lover and never come. i mean WTF???
what in the hell is going on?
i don't understand this.
being in love brings everything to the surface to be looked at.
we mirror each other sometimes.
we switch places.
i just want someone fearless to fix me. but i can only fix myself, right?
but then i feel i must be an island unto myself. i'm afraid of i close my doors they may never open again.
i need to get a life. get back to making my music. get back to creating things. i am focusing too much on this relationship as if it were my and only last chance to be loved.
i told him my body ached for him. he said "i know"
i said "how do you know?" and he said "because i trust you"
these words pierced my heart in a way that surprised me.
he trusts me. this is new to me.
my boyfriends never trust me for some reason or other.
mostly all of them have always thought the worst of me and never given me the benefit of the doubt.
but he said "i trust you"
in a way it means more to me than "i love you"
because i have love but never total trust.
i don't even know what that would FEEL like to have someone trust me. right now it's just an abstract idea i didn't even know i needed.
i want to know what it feels like to trust that someone completely trusts you.
i don't know what i am trying to say or how to say it.
these feelings are so complex and not only do i feel them in my mind but at every level of my existence.
i don't want to blow it. i want this one to work out.
i'm scared of being too overwhelming. that's why i stay away from people mostly. i'm scared i will be a burden on them.
i'm scared that is they could see how much pain and sorrow i am in they would turn to rock like looking at medusa.
will he have the fortitude to look and still love me all the same?
will he be able to take my beating heart in his hand and still look at me straight in my eyes?
am i too high maintenance or just broken or what?
i try to play it cool.
he's watching epsisodes of lost and eating potatoes and broccoli at his house.
i am here having my entire being shaken and being deconstructed.
it's no picnic to go out with a 40 year old woman who just happens to me be me at the same time. but at the same time, if you can handle it the perks are fantastic. it's like how you can never truly feel happiness if you have never tasted fear at it's most frightening.
staring it straight in the eye. letting it move through you completely even tho you are afraid it will kill you.
maybe i am just more equipped with dealing with intense pain and sorrow and trust and love. i've got the dealing with pain and infinite sorrow almost down. but love and trust?
how do these things work? and can they really be real?
can i let these things move through me courageously?
it's like when you have nothing to lose, life because a tiny bit easier.
now that i have something i don't want to lose i am terrified.
i am trying to figure out the balance of how to love and also let go.
he could leave me anytime and i should just be thankful i had even this much time with him. he's so extraordinary.
but no, i'm greedy, and i want him forever 24/7.
if you love something set it free and blah blah blah.
i don't want to shut down, i want to experience this and revel in it.
i want to savour all it is NOW and not think about the future.
he has punctured my dam and the lake is spilling out everywhere.
mass chaos could ensue. destruction.
i'm afraid of my power. i can create new worlds but just as easily destroy them if i am not careful.
i'm not used to being loved or trusted, i'm used to being monitored, projected upon, and once in awhile someone throws me a treat if i be as burdenless and invisible as i possible can be.
i'm trying to come alive. it's very awkward. i feel like a pathetic awkward giant spilling energy all over the place willy nilly. downing power lines.
the water balloon has been pricked, the dam has been exploded through.
i feel like apologizing every second i am alive for all the water spilling out. i feel like apologizing for apologizing. how can i trust HIM that he can deal with this or even WANT to? i feel like a freak.
i'm so insecure and i hate myself when i am like this.
i hate feeling needy and pathetic. this is not who i want to be or who i am deep down. this is just surface bullshit.
garbage that has floated to the top of the sea and i'm just like, "what is all this shit and where the fuck do i put it?"
it's embarrassing.
typing this out helps me a bit.
see it in words.
i guess all i can do is let this move through and just me myself and not tro be be all accomdating but shoving all this crap in a box and trying to pretend it isn't there so no one has to be subjected to it.
i can't live like that anymore.
this is going to be messy and awkward as much as it is going to be beautiful.
i wish it were all tip toeing through the tulips and being lighthearted and flowers and kisses and happy bunnies.
i want to be that for him.
and i can be at times.
and i guess if he decides the intense awkwardness is too much for him then...he can just...leave, i guess.
and that terrfies me. but there is no other way i can go about this.
i'm pretty sure he's going to stick around, but i never assume or take anything for granted.
and it won't be this messy forever. but it's going to take awhile. and patience, and love before i can feel the burning in my heart and it's a sweet burn and not something that i feel may obliterate me or him.
i've kept it all down for so long now, who the hell knows how big this is, it could be the frickin death star for all i know.
i'm being born and i am dying in a million ways.
i have to let this move through me and not be ashamed by it.
but i do feel ashamed, i feel embarrassed for leaking complex and contradictory emotions all over the nice shiny floor of his grocery store.
i'm like, oops, sorry about that, i'll clean it up, don't worry.
pay no attention. don't mean to burden you. this isn't your problem, it's mine and just look the other way and by the time you come back that oil spill and all the dead seals will have been whisked away.
pay no notice to my awkward meltdown.

one day at a time. trying to work this through.
i'm scared of the reaction he will have when he reads this.
i'm afraid he will say "oops, this is just a little too much for me"
that might happen.
it the chance i have to take if i am going to be truly me and not try to fit into a box anymore.
i need to go through this process.
there is no other way around it.
and i'm scared shitless.

---

Posted by ANA on June 26, 2006 at 14:56:59:

well i sure do nope the new members find this place so they can see i am trying to keep things up to date here!

so far i have showed M, the stranglers, cocteau twins, the plasmatics, the soft boys, love and rockets and shriekback, early ultravox and john foxx. and i know i've played more but i cannot remember.
it's going to take me YEARS to get him caught up on all the music he is not aware of.
i'm trying my best to find things he likes and then he rates it 1 to 10.

right now i am listening to the strangers "feline"

i've cleaned up a lot of the mess. need to take out the trash. detangle my hair AGAIN.
take a bath. get some bleach to get wine stains out of things.

i have a big bruise on my leg because i was trying to lipsynch to prince's "controversy" and then fell over dur to my very high heels :)
i'm glad he finds these kind of things hilarious and not troublesome. :)

he comes over wearing a britney t shirt. i love him for that :)
"i'm a slllllllaaave 4 uuuuu....."

he is full of contradictions like loving britnet but wanting to listen to punk. but i think his idea of punk os different than mine. i'm not sure yet. the age difference. he said he wanted to hear some punnk so i got out the plasmatics :) "want you baby want baby right now!"
and "sometimes i feel it sometimes i feel it sometimes i feel it when you're down on knees"
:)

everything he says is totally deadpan until he bursts out laughing at things.
he is really mellow and i'm trying to figure out how to read him.
although he can read me exactly.
it's amazing really.

when he leaves to go to work in the morning he kisses me on my forehead and temples and cheek and neck.

he kisses the ends of my fingers.
he spoons me all night long.
sometimes so much so i alsmost fall off the bed.
he also hogs the comforter, but i rip back my 1/2 and it's all good.
he smells so good, his hair is always in a beautiful disarray like syd barrett when he was young.
(ok, i'm getting really turned on right now)

and it doesn't help that every morning he wakes up with this giant hard on that tortures
both he and i because he has to leave.
a grab it with my hands firmly and look at him in the eye and say "WANT IT!"
if he is going to torture me, then i will right back :)
mmmm, my body just got goosebumps all over.

we had our 1st "argument "last night which i actually can't remember what it was about. it was just us
figuring each other out and where all the boundaries are and who are we as a couple and as individuals. i THINK that was what it was about, i'm not exactly sure.
then all of a sudden there was this huge breakthough and we hugged so tight and rolled around on the bed
with such intense relief, it's hard to describe. and we knew everything was going to be more than ok.

bliss. torture. bliss.

i already have all these little movies in my head i want to make with him.
everything i have always wanted to do..

to show love on cam.
real love, all the parts of it.
i'm so excited

----

Posted by ANA on June 26, 2006 at 13:35:09:

well that actual computer is being mailed to me finally and the monitor is still in "production" whatever that means.
but i will have the computer any second now :)
again , thanks for your patience!

m was over all weekend :)
he hasn't heard 99% of any of the music i have in my collection, so i've ben showinig him new music, showing him weird blue up stuff i have on tape.
and then much much lovemaking :)
it's really a mess in here....kinky boots everywhere, spilled drinks, vinyl records all over the place...
it wouldn't take a genuis to figure out what was going on in here.
i swear my hair is just one big dread.
i keep trying to figure out ways to make my hair not become a complete tangled mess when we do it, but so far i have had no luck :)

i sure wish i would have had my cam on this weekend. we would have made a lot of cool pictures :)
but soon...soon..the computer will here :)

----

 

Posted by ANA on June 24, 2006 at 16:38:16:

this is sooooooo frustrating for me to not be able to make you new anagrams and have my cam on!
aaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
just 2 more days.......
it's just so weird. to be this disconnected from all of you.
to not be able to show you things immediately went i want to show them!
---

Posted by ANA on June 24, 2006 at 16:24:44:

according to the dell website, my computer should arrive on the 27th.
so thank you for your patience!
just 2 more days and things should return to normal around here :)
---

Posted by ANA on June 24, 2006 at 02:48:43:

i hve now purchased the monitor :)
closer and we get to ana2 becoming funtional again!

again, thank you for your patience!

it's just as frustrating to me to have no computer to do anything on except just post in here!

lasy night i went with jason to see juana molina.
she get bett erevery time i see her!

a band called "psapp "or somphing opened and they were joyous!

i bought their cd.
very very inspiring :)

we were in the front row in the middle
pasapp throw little hand made kitties inot the audiuence/
i got one :) it's pink ,i'll take piciture of it tomorrow :)

---

Posted by ANA on June 22, 2006 at 21:02:43:

i ordered the new computer! it will be here in 2 to 5 days.
tomorrow i will order the monitor :)
cams back up soon!
much to show u!
happiness!
---

Posted by ANA on June 22, 2006 at 15:37:28:

i'm going to try and order the new computer today but not the monitor.
then tomorrow i will order the monitor separately.
this way i can around my daily 1,000 debit card limit.
and the cams will be back up asap.

---

Posted by ANA on June 22, 2006 at 00:56:36:

tried to install trillian but it didn't work.
just one of those days.
i was sound asleep but a person from alberta canada woke me up.
i thought it was one of my uncles (because of the accent) but it was not. long story.
anyway it was funny and sweet :)
i love canadian accents.
but now i'm awake again.
must sleep.
i miss IM
i miss M.
----

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 20:05:54:

the trial version i uploaded was "corrupted"
so...what can i say?
i cannot even seem to make that work.

this will all be resolved shortly.
i promise.
thank you, again, for your patience, i am trying EVERYTHING to make this work.

hopefully you see this and can understand the potential that is to come.

thank you to everyone......technical nightmares suck.

----

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 19:40:40:

i cannot even get connected to the internet with this old laptop.
don't even ask me why. i have no idea.
it's always worked before.
everything is dying and being reborn around me.
either that or i am just really really dumb when it comes to technical things.
but fuk, i DO know how to connect the laptop top the ethernet and why won't it work?
i can't even connect to google.
i shut it down. i am mystified.

hopefully someone will come forth and say they can buy me that dell system ( a few posts down) and i will have a new computer in a few days.
(not really BUY me, just buy it online for me and then i reimburse you immediately via cheque or money order because i have a daily limit on my debit card of 1,000 and the computer is just over that.

anyway...
ya...i am trying my best here.
tring to be the best geek possible.
trying to remain self sufficient without my jason who always fixes these things for me.
i'd call him now but he says he "needs space"
i get that.
so i'm not going to bug him about this.
i just have to figure out how to do this.

or have a tech person and hire them or something....
glarb, i'm doing the best i can.

if anyone can PLEASE help me out getting that computer (a few posts down explains)
PLEASE let me know

anavoog@gmail.com

i would put a cam on THIS computer but uit's so old that i do not trust to leave it on 24/7 since this one is also on death's door and i'm not going to chance it.

i have the money to get that new computer i just have that damn 1,000 limit in my debit card.
argh.

so close and yet so far...

---

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 19:20:16:

hilarious...i turn the laptop on and the time says it's 11:11pm, which is wrong.....but wow, that is freaky.
i'll take it as a good sign :)
----

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 19:15:12:

so i am tryng to remember what configuration is needed to upload you the cam from my old laptop from a very good man who is now dead, MAW (R.I.P.)....bittersweet always to turn this laptop on.
it's still runs on windows 98 and weighs 555 pounds.
the wallaper is of the empire state building from my hotel room that the salle JR show put me in, only weeks after 911.
so i just can't take it off, even tho the sally jesse show was a complete fiasco, seeing the empire state still standing there...well, it was a moment. that i cannot describe, and i am not even that patriotic. but fuck, i don't think i will ever change that wallpaper.

ok....trying to find what on earth is my poassword to dreamhost so i can log and and read instructions of the configuration to set my cam at.

gah.

i'm glad i've done this far by myself.
now you know how much work jason put into my cam, even tho you never saw hi,
he was always troubleshooting this stuff.
what a good guy.

---

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 18:11:58:

i'm downloading the trial version of macromedia dreamweaver onto this new computer so i can try to make new anagrams for you until my new computer arrives (see post below this! an important question in there, if anyone can help out with it)

so, until i get my new computer i can at least take pix with my digital cams and make things for you that way.
also, i WILL get that old laptop plugged in tonight so at least you will have one cam runnning (the small one)
and it'll be ye olde black and white connectix which has a charm unto itself.

m and i are talking about many sexy and wonderful art projects we can make for ana2 "_
it's so wonderful to finally be with a man who wants to join with me in making art and fun like this :)

i suggested he get a cam , too, and we could play with each other in various ways back and forth through the cams.
he wouldn't have to have his on 24/7, i wouldn't think he'd want to.
but he could leave messages for me on his cam and then me back.
there are lots of possibilities
(to you remember when isabella and i used to do this? that was so long ago but such fun and sexy!)
it's in the archives somewhere...isa and i

is this an idea that interests you?

if not, we will probably do it anyway if we feel like it because it's our lives and we will ultimately do what we want and makes us happy.
but i AM curious to know if this would excite any of you.
because, well, i'm curious about everything and it makes me happy if my happiness and the happiness of the ana2 community can coincide :)

yay :)

---

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 16:39:55:

http://www.dell.com/content/products/productdetails.aspx/xpsdt_400?c=us&cs=19&l=en&s=dhs

it's 990, but 1,070 after tax and i want the $10 cd of windows xp (that's the only extra add on i want..well, that i can afford :)
that's a bit more than i can afford, but i am just going to pray to the universe that it will all work out and that somehow i will be able to buy this plus pay my rent.

i like this one because i do a lot of multimedia (duh)

but the huge factor for me wanting this one is that it is almost silent, which is VERY important to me as the sound of computers running drive me NUTS.
if you can imagine having to hear one on 24/7 for over 8 years...silence is golden.

i don't have enough money in my bank right now to get it.
i have 1,050 in there right now, so i need $20 more.

hopefully the credit cards i processed today (which was a few hundred dollars , (yay new ana2 members!) wil make it into my bank in the next few days.
hopefully, more members will sign up, too *crosses fingers*
so i can pay rent as well as get this.
(and eat)

i have one problem tho and that is that i think i only have a 1,000 spending limit per day on my debit card.

so i need to find someone with a credit card that can buy this for me, and then i can write a money order to them for that amount.

is there anyone willing to do this for me?
i swear, i'm good for the money and i'll get you a money order or cheque for the amount you paid the day the $ is in my bank account, which should be only 2 days.

this way i can get my cams up and running 2 days earlier because i will not have to wait for the money to get into my bank.

---

Posted by ANA on June 21, 2006 at 14:37:21:

well :)
things are going ok today, besides the fact that i made a million posts last night trying to explain something i could not explain and the fact that my computer is dead (but at least i have this one). so many bookmarks on the other , tho, so it's so frustrating. no IM on this computer. no lj client like semagic. no macromedia dreamweaver to update any anagrams or upload anything.
trying to work things out with a few of my friends who are upset with me. life.

i think what i want to do with the computer situation is just get another computer.
the one that has died, the floppy on that thing died a few months ago and even the cd curner part.
so the whole thing is just fucked except for the hardrive.

i think i may have just barely enough money to buy a somewhat decent computer due to the new memebers coming in.

THANK YOU NEW MEMBERS AND HELLO!

i hope they find "under the bed" and see this and don't wonder WTF is going on here.

believe me, i will get the cams back up and running asap.

i got about 50 new members so that gives me about $700 for a new computer.
i should be able to buy something somewhat decent with that.

the universe provides.. thank you universe!

so, the question i have to all you tech savvy people....
how do i get my old harddrive into a new computer?
can i buy a new computer that has a slot for an extra harddrive?
because i NEED everything that is on that harddrive.
but it would also be nice to have a new harddrive, too, as that one is getting pretty full.

so, i need your advice and suggestions about what to do here.
should i get a dell because everyone seems to say those are the best deals on computers?

i have to figure this out asap so i can get my cams back up and running and make you more delicious things!

also, thank you everyone for your support. i could not do this without you!
i appreciate each and every one of you so much helping to keep ana2 alive and running :)

it may be a few more days before all this is sorted out, but i swear i will make it up to you, you know i will :)

thank you for your patience.

---

Posted by ANA on June 20, 2006 at 19:49:25:

some people have been saying that i am rubbing things in jason's face and being tacky.
i have read this here and there and been told this in person.
in fact, a friend i've had since i was 16 years old just took me off her friend's list today.
it made me cry.

for the record, i have asked jason 5 moinutes ago if he thinks i am in ANY way rubbing anything in his face, being vindictive or mean in any way towards him. and he said a resounding no.
this is not easy for both of us.
and i don't relish the thought of him getting a new girlfriend, and we are bith hurting and it's very complex. but our lines of communication and RESPECT for each other still extremely high.

he came over today to help me with my computers.
i will do dread mainteance for his new dreads..
we have plans to go to 3 shows together in the next few months.

jason has NO access to anything i am posting that may be hurtful to him.
everything is in here, and he has no access to here. i make all my posts friends only, he doesn't even have a LJ anymore.
i send things to my mailing list but he is not a member of that list, nor would he ever go there to check it out, and even if he did, the photos i send to the list are not saved, so if you aren't a member you're not going to see anything.

i have done everything in my power to be kind to jason about this.

when i had sex on cam, it was when he was in vancouver and had no internet access at all.
when i knew he was coming home, i turned anacam off so it would not refresh at all and if he just hapened to go there (which he says he does not and i believe him) he would not have seen anything but a wall.

so no....i am not rubbing anything in anyway's face and i know this may eb an adjustment for some...
but this relationship i have right now did not just drop out of the sky.
M and i have been talking, for a think a few years now, just as friends. we did not meet until jason and i were over.
we did not even FLIRT until jason and i were over.
so it may seem as if i am being reckles and bizarre, but all of this is based on very solid grounding.
jason does not have access to ANY of this.
he knws i am seeing this person, he knows who this person is.
he is of course, not jumping up and down with joy, but he also understand that this is what i need and he is happy for me that at least i am not feeling like i want to die anymore.

i deserve to be happy now. and live the life i was needing to live.
i am finally becoming alive again.

i still love jason as much as i ever did, and always will.
but he never was my lover, and that's all i'll say about that,
so i am not replacing jason with M since jason never and i were never reallty lovers, it's not like i am replacing anything. i'm just finally getting some. in the best way possible.
and i need that. and i want that.,
and i'll be damned if i'm going to be ashamed of it..
i deserve it..
fucking a.

this would needs to see LOVE. real love.
ya, the raw and sexy bits and the fucking biut also the powerful snuggling and spooning and kissing and holding and staring inot each others eyes.
i cannot see this as a bad thing.

and yes, it makes me money too.
and i don't see anything wrong with being able to buy groceries because i just had awesome sex.
i mean, hell, who WOULDN"T want that "job"?

heck ya. i've been waiting for this for a LONG time.
we should all make money doing the things we love.

finally my cam gets to show my LIFE. finally i don;t need to have sex with mannequins, as nice as sexy as those photos are and i did have quite a good time with the mannequins.
the last time i was in the tub, the photos were pink. i don't know if any of you remember.
but it made me cry because i was so love starved.
i was like, is this it? is this what it has come to?
me kissing a fuciing mannequin in my bathtub?
i mean ya., i think those photos were awesome and i'll always be kinky like that.
but thank the gods finally have a really honest to goodness lover who LIVES and BREATHES and , most importantly CHERISHES me.

so there you have it.

and no, jason is not mad at me or thinking i am rubinng abything in his face.
but of course we are voth hurting very much.

it's a HUGE transition!
major. MAJOR.
just...please be happy for me.
most of you are, but some are not and it's hard...and ,my life has already been full of such difficulty.
FINALLY< i feel like my life is comimg togrther and things are clicking into place.

jason is HAPPY for mealthough of course he is also sad.
ditto for me.
i hope someone understand this.

it's complicated.
i'm spinning plates.

---

Posted by ANA on June 20, 2006 at 15:37:28:

i don't know what the hell.
it freezes up. the keyboard won't work. the mouse won't work.
it doesn't recognize even what speed it is.
i have to bring it into geek squad.
it'll cost an arm and a leg.
i need to find someone to help me get my computer to the geek squad at 1213 washington.
i feel panicky.
i moved my biz computer into my bedroom now and that is what i am typing to you on.
there is no cam on this computer.
jason tried to fix the computer but he could not. it seems so symbolic that it should die because he made it for me by hand
fuck.
everything is bittersweet.
he looks cute with his new dreads.

he's now looking for another girlfriend.
but he won't talk to me about it.
i knwo it's none of my business.

complex feelings.

everything breaking and being fixed all at once.
my hands are shaking.

i'm listening to the cure the head on the door.

all my cords are really too short to have the business computer in my bedroom so the ethernet box is in the middle of my hallway because that is as far as i could get it to go.
wires anre criss crossing everywhere.
it's a fucking nightmare.

i can get my email via this computer.
i don't have IM on this computer.
but at least i have email and also my phone is plugged in.

i'm so incrediblt frustrated you have no idea (or maybe you do)
that computer has my life on it.
fuck.

i hate these technical difficulties that are so distrastrous.

anyway, ya, it's going to be a minute before i can get another cam set up.
i'll get the ancient laptop connected to this and i will use ye olde black and white connectix cam.
see if i can get at least that going to something.

thank you for your patience.

 

horoscopes from:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/is_aries/
http://www.astro.com/
http://www.tarot.com/astrology/