| june
16th, 2006 |
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OMFG.
techinical nightmare.
in midsentence, emailiing, my keyboard completely stops functioning.
i try to open ANY application and it's totally fuct.
i try to make a jpeg to tell you this but i can't because my keyboard will
not work so i cannot rename the jepeg.
so take a photo of something i write but i cannot rename the file so you can
see it.
finally i find the files that get uploaded to you and very CRUDELY like fred
flinstone carves letters on it with paint shop pro...point to point.
i get to upload at least those since they are already named.
my computer is whacked the fuck out.
i had no way to contact ANYONE unless they knew my phone # which only a handful
of people do.
i was writing M in midsentence.
everything fell to pieces.
his phone is in disorder and then my computer was in disorder and there was
NO WAY to contact.
god i really thought up creative solutions, but in the end i had to hook up
to biz computer keyboard and reboot and voila. here i am.
able to communicate.
i have NO idea of M is coming over or is asleep WTF.
fuck my typos , i cannot cannot even organize.
it's amazing i waas able to even get to the point i can write you this in
the condition i and my computers are in.
i tried to call geek squad. they
used to "do me" for free.
now all i get is a robot voice,
damn.
M, are u coming here or not?
fuckin a.
if you had left when you said you left (but i could not respond due to my
keyboard condition)
you should be here by now.
but no, you are not.
or else my intercom system is completely screwed as well and you are sitting
out in the dark smoking cheap cigarettes.
fuck i don't know.
i want to wait by the phone,
go to the door 100 levels down...
i don't know what to do.
techinical nightmare.
god at least i can TYPE.
M!!!!! are u asleep????
11:20pm
before
the storm.wmv
25 MB
9:06pm
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oh, i'm so glad i went out :)
i walked to the river and took little movies as i went.
right as i got to the river a big barge was leaving and i filmed that.
it was starting to thunder and lightning a bit and huge black clouds were
looming over me.
i got caught in the hugest downpoar which i was hoping for.
my camera ceases functioning during it because it got too wet.
i hope it'll be ok once it's dry.
i tried to capture the rivers of water flowing by but this camera doesn't
do well with dark things.
i was listening to bjork on my ipod which was the perfect soundtrack.
at one point it was raining so hard i had to just close my eyes.
i wish i could have filmed what i lookd like walking in the rain but my doppelganger
was not nearby to help me out.
i went to the liquor store for some berry veiss.
the men were all happy to see me soaking wet.
free wet t shirt contest. w00t.
this one guy, who was a customer could not stop remarking about how wet i
was.
"you're wet!"
"yes, i am!"
"you're wet"
"that's very true!"
"you're wet!"
"yes, i was out in the rain"
now i'm going to see what i've captured on "film"
7:49pm
jason has safely arrived in vancouver
and he says he loves it there and never wants to leave.
he said his hotel is totally mod with a balcony that overlooks the ocean.
i updated my ipod with muse and bjork.
it's almost too dark to go out now but i think i will just go for a little
walk.
it seems magical outside.
dusk and water in the air.
6:54pm
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i think i'll walk to the river in the rain as the moon moves into pisces.
6:39pm
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my temple |
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photos from yesterday
6:22pm
the black train still moves to the
right.
it's getting darker and darker.
everything is turning black.
i broke a wine glass.
i keep seeing 555.
there is an ominous feeling in the air.
it feels like the whole planet is shifting because i am.
my heart is beating like a rabbit.
the news cheerfully bleats in the background about downed trees and power
lines.
6:03pm
the thunderstorm is on it's way,
the tv news keeps interrupting about it.
the tension in the air reflects my anxiety.
and i wait for release.
although my anxiety is subsiding.
the dogs and i ate a cobb salad.
bill gates is turning into a huge philanthropist.
this makes me very happy.
some of the wealthy are realizing the power they have to heal.
i feel the consciousness of the earth rising.
a pane just went by me dragging a clear banner with words in big bold red
letters.
but it was too far away and i could not read it.
then it came closer and the words were backwards.
all i could maybe make out was something about "vibe alive"
i grabbed my opera glasses to try to read it, but wasn;'t fast enough.
everything feels electric.
i can feel the thunderstorm coming.
the air is heavy and things feel like a dream.
i'm going to get ready to go outside
because if it is a downpour i want to go run around in it.
oh, except it might be hailing.
hmmm.
5:29pm
took a xanax. calming down.
watching the news.
ha, the 1st story on is about nuclear weapons.
i haven't watched the news in days and days.
i'm going to wash my sheets and try to eat something.
oh weird also they just said that north korea's nuclear weapons could reach
hawaii. which ties in with my weird dream about hawaii the other day.
ya, i think it is fear and anxiety about my life m,ixed in with actual real
things that are happening on earth.
i just now remembered another part of my dream where i was walking past a
row of people and when i passed this one girl i heard violin being played
in my head at an extremely loud volumne, almost as if it were real and not
just imagined.
i thought, wowo, that was really intense and strange. what was THAT about?
i then decided to turn to the woman and ask her is she played violin, and
she was surprised and said yes.
i said, wow, my psychic powers are getting stronger all the time. this is
really weird.
m also has significance to me, new world order-wise.
an M is an upside down double you.
or W is an upside down M.
i'm not sure why M and W play so importantly into these things. but they do.
a white barge is going left and a black train is going right, outside my window.
i feel a little weird right now.
i should eat something for sure.
ground myself.
4:30pm
i fell back asleep and had extremely
detailed bizarre dreams, like something out of naked lunch.
very disturbing and bizarre.
i have anxiety now.
people that were only heads that had a weird sexual organ on top of their
head and they were dresed in bunny suits as they went round and round on a
conveyer belt, greeting a small audiance who were there to play cricket from
india.
the president was just about to start a nuclear war when he accidentally came
upon this scene and one of the heads said "hello, mr. president of the
united states of america!
and the president was befuddled and tried to type god bless us all into a
tiny keyboard and then the letters would scroll across a screen for everyone
to read, but he just couldn't type at all.
the nuclear bombs were all in boxes and looked like bread.
each box had a little person in it who gave up their life to make sure the
missile arrived at it's destination.
they hated their bodies and so wished to die.
colin powell who was actually kevin costner was telling the president we needed
to act now and be decisive.
i think it was called "plan M"
he was going on and on about how stupid this country was they were in (india)
everyone was borgious (sp?)
and bloated and bored. all there was to do is play cricket and have luncheons.
he named off members of the royal family.
so who cares if this country gets blown up now.
he was chasing george bush all over trying to show him notes and charts and
graphs and menus from restauraunts tro prove his point that it all needed
to go up in smoke and they had to do it now.
i was one of the homeless people
and i would help bury dead bodies i found.
some were children , their faces eaten away, unrecognizable.
there were barbed wire fences everywhere but we knew how to get over them.
we knew lots of places to hide.
that's how we accidenttally came across the nuclear bombs as we were searching
for new places to hide.
we didn't knwo what to do except kill the president or something.
so we tried to run along with the president as he was running away from kevein
costner who was playing colin powell.
the head people were amazing. they looked more like sea urchins than people.
it was both extremely repulsive and highly sexual. i couldn't decide. then
i decided it could make work out for the heads with a gay man, but not for
a woman.
the heads were begging to be loved.
trying to hold a conference on their good points.
going round and round on the conveyor belt thing like plates of sushi in japan.
the little people that went aloong
with each nuclear missile in the shape of a loaf of bread couldn't wait to
get the show on the road, so to speak.
they also looked like pieces of paper, like a coupon or something.
one of them was so eager he ate his powder to help with the radiation poisoning,
even tho he would be blown to bits within seconds and so to take something
like that was completely pointless.
i don't know what any of it means but i really have anxiety now and do not at all feel well.
i think it's just a fear/anxiety
dream, showing me all my fears. i have no clue why kevin costner was colin
powell.
it's weird having jason gone and no contact with him.
once in awhile he messages me on his cell when he lands with one plane and
takes another. he has a fear of flying.
after he arrives his cell phone will be too costly for him to use.
he gave me the numbers at his hotel, they are in an email somewhere but i
doubt he will be at his hotel very often.
god, my anxiety is just going through the roof right now.
i had to turn on the tv so something familiar and normal was on.
everything seems evil to me right now, like my dream has permeated everything.
even oprah seems evil.
this is odd.
i hope this feeling passes soon.
my dad wants to get together with
me tomorrow at 1pm and go down and see my brother, too.
THIS gives me anxiety, too.
being around my brother makes me anxious because he is so anxious and he makes
my dad anxious which also makes me anxious.
being around the 2 of them together can make me completely shut down.
but i feel obligated to go because it's fathers day.
fuck.
no thunderstorms look like they are going to happen.
it's just humid. it hangs in the air like a light fog.
oh i just reread my dad's email and
he said sunday, not tomorrow, which is actually father's day.
ok good. that gives me at least a day to mentally prepare myself for that,
which i need to do.
it's 88 degrees.
the diy channel wants us all to videotape ourselves and show "high energy"
and show our work and what we do or our process or something. they just want
to make sure we are "tv friendly"
i am so not in the mood to do that.
i'm trying to calm down.
i feel overwhelmed.
and need familiarity.
when jason comes back he will have dreads.
i don't even like that because it's unfamiliar.
that is weird of me.
i feel like he is going to come back this different person or something even
tho i know he is not.
why should i even care?
god, i am a bundle of nerves right now.
i don't like that in my dream, the
plan for the nuclear attack was called plan M.
m stands for my new lover, i know.
so i know this just means i am highly afraid of being totally obliterated
by the transformation of us both being together.
of course i will not be totally obilterated.
it's just my biggest fear.
i am going through so much transition now.
maybe take things slower.
i'm sure this feeling will pass.
i wish m's phone was in order so
i could call him.
i don't know if he is at work right now or what.
i wish i knew.
m, if you are reading this, let me know.
12:26pm
i got to $5 pillows ar target that
i can stick in these pillow covers that came with my duvet.
yay for more pillows :) i love to make a nest.
i cannot get that damn duvet on that comforter by myself to save my life.
they should redesign duvets to have buttons on all sides so you can just lay
the comforter on one side of the duvet and cover it and then put the 2nd 1/2
on top of it, like a sandwhich, and then button it.
having only one opening on one side is ridiculous.
trying to stuff a king sized comforter into a king sized duvet is nearly impossible.
deiter immediately went and sat on top of the pillows.
he always has to be at the highest point on the bed, like a king.
he loves to look out the window.
i wonder what he sees and what he thinks about.
my lover writes me the most delicious
emails.
i read them over and over.
it's hard to believe it's happening, and yet it is.
i really did not expect this.
i am 16 years older then he is.
i am a little scared about that.
but life works in funny ways, and i'm trying to just go with the flow and
trust in the universe that this is good.
my heart says it is.
he was born in 1981, my favourite year for music.
i guess more than good music was born in 1981.
he was also born in my favourite state, south dakota.
(for the land)
he is a leo with a gemini moon and capricorn rising.
is it too early to fall in love?
but i have been in the desert for 8 years.
i have waited and waited.
i'm scared that i might be acting reckless, but my instinct tells me that
it's ok.
i'm trying to trust.
but also be careful, this one is a treasure.
i have not fully dived in yet, but i feel it coming.
i still hold my cards close.
but he peels them away one by one.
he already knows what they are.
he wants a garden, too.
i wrote ingrid but the email bounced.
her inbox is too full.
i wonder what she is doing and how she is.
i love her, too, so much.
it could all be an illusion , tho, but i don't think it is.
i'm trying to discern and keep an anchor in reality.
i hope i am not coming across as too needy.
maybe i am.
but i don't think so.
but i do need.
i hear morrissey sing "and now
my heart is full...."
11:50am
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fuck ya! Muse!
i have to add that to my ipod.
but i've already forgotten how to add music to it.
i still have to figure that little contraption out.
oooo, i'm sooo excited to see Muse!
11:01am
83 degrees. 80% chance of thunderstorms today and tomorrow. yay!
right now it's sunny but the light is diffused because there is so much humidity
in the air.
by the grace of god, i woke up at 10am, which was the time i was supposed
to wake up to get ticket for Muse at the state theater.
god, i filled out the forms as fast as i could and still only got in the balcony.
and these were the presale tickets.
i had floor seats at one point but filled out the form too slow and missed
those.
grrrr. maybe balcony will be better anyway.
luckily , it's the state theater, so no seats are really truly bad.
i'm so excited to see muse!
*rock*
ya, looking at the seating chart
i THINK i got good seats.
it's hard to really understand.
i got left section rows AAA-C of lower balcony loge.
here is the chart:
http://www.tickco.com/sc/1-1619/
would you say that means i am in
the 1st row in that middle section of the balcony but in the left section
of the middle?
i'm confused.
or am i in the 1st row maybe in the very left hand corner of that balcony?
jason is probably in vancouver now.
i need to call my dad today and make arrangements for father's day.
i think i may have to go back to sleep.
i'm not sure yet.
i'm hyper and tired.
all i can remember about my dreams
is that i could not remember the name of the state hawaii.
i kept trying to tell people i had a mental block and what was the name of
that tropical state that is an island. i kept saying i think it's called hawaii
but i think i'm wrong.
what is the name of it?
no one could answer me.
i have NO idea what that dream was about.
maybe just anxiety.
today i HAVE to set up my business computer.
and i want to take some photos.
i am receiving so much spam today,
it's crazy.
i woke up and there was 90 spam emails in my inbox.
and i keep receiving about 1 every few seconds right now.
it's completely out of control.
+++
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