| june
15th, 2006 |
||
i'm crying happy and sad tears.
and my mom and i are getting along well via email.
it makes me cry , too because i love her so much and need her to be by mom,
even tho i am my own full being.
there is something about a mom you can never replace.
it just overrides almost everything.
i hate this.
but if she gives me one spec of trouble the doors to the castle will shut
so fast it'll make your head spin.
i hope it doesn't have to come to that ever again.
just be my mom, like you are now, mama.
i miss her so much, and even after everything she has done to me.
how can i still love her so much?
dammit.
i cry grateful and full of anxiety tears.
this is such a scary time for me.
i know i'm going to make it and i'm proud myself for making this far,
but damn it not easy.
jason leaves for vancouver at 7am.
tonight i touched his long curly hair (he's been growing it out for months)
for dreads.
he think he looks ugly with his "fro.
i think it's super excellent.
i ran my fingers through his hair with extreme meloncholy.
the last time i will feel his curly hair in all my life, since he a always
kept it so short.
i would kill to have his hair.
it's the perfect curl.
i wish he knew how cute he is.
he doesn't ever see it that way?
i don't undertand why i could never get him to see himself the way i saw him.
the way it is.
the next time i see him, probably monday night, he will have dreads.
i'm so excited see his transition.
i'm jealous he could not wait until july so that *I* could do them.
i hate that. hate it hate it hate it.
whatever.
so it is.
we're still friends.
nothing really has changed much, actually.
we were always best friends.
"just" friends" and , ideally, that's all it should have ever
been.
or maybe not...i know.
i have lot more to say but i can't type anymore.
all of this is overloading me.
*cries*
i want to crawl into his bad and beg him.
but i know that would be selfish
and stupid of me.
and my future looks brighter than ever before.
we were never meant to be lovers in that way.
my heart is torn into countlses pieces
and at the same time i am being born once again and again, every second.
both very painful processes.
but ya, it hurts, there is no hurt worse.
i'm proud of myself for having the guts to face this head on.
i needed to, i guess.
it was either break up with him or die.
and i can't help but wanting to scream "why why why???"
that is so sad because he is an amazing person.
i don't understand this life oftentimes.
there is no "quick fix"
and it's SO much more than this.
there are no words.
there you have a FRAGMENT of it.
but i thank the universe for my new lover.
everything in it's right place.
i have music in me now.
7:54pm
i'm eating laughing cow cheese and
drinking pink lemonade.
at least i am eating something.
7:44pm
more pretty pictures soon :)
i am starting to feel inspired.
i don't feel like i am dying anymore.
7:21pm
jason showed me his condo.
it's insanely beautiful..
it made me cry because...well, you know.
i tried to be strong about it and buck up.
but it got to me.
it's such a beautiful place.
i mean really really amazing.
a place that will never be my home.
i even know which room i would pick out to be mine.
but it's not mine.
we are both coming to terms with each other moving on while still remaining
friends, i don't know how.
i told jason i was seeing someone a bit and who it was.
i mean, he already knew. he always does.
it's hard for him , too, but he understands.
plus my ratted hair didn't fool him.
i tried to say i did it myself, but he knew what it was.
i wish things could have worked out between us.
but it just wasn't meant to be.
i don't know why.
we were so close to getting it down.
but we never quite could.
he bought me flowers and some food.
and the dogs some treats.
i'm going over to his house on 1/2 an hour to watch dr. katz.
life so so so strange.
i'm glad we can remain friends at least.
jason gets a dream condo, but i have a new lover who is priceless.
he never stops touching me. he cherishes me.
he likes to spoon.
he doesn't mind that i bleed. in fact, he even likes it.
he is an extraordinary kisser.
and he can read my mind :)
he is amazing :)
i don't know exactly what it is yet
or where it will lead...
we almost created a new world last
night.
i don't know how i got so lucky.
it's about time.
he's gonna let me put make up on
him and take glam photos of him :)
then , i guess, you'll see who he is :)
he's beautiful.
he said he wouldn't mind being on cam.
it would be nice to not always have to turn the cam away.
but i don't exactly want to parade him in front of jason's face, even tho
jason is saying he is doing everything he can to not watch my cam.
it has to be the right time.
3:29pm
well, how weird.
things are just peachy keen between jason and i.
and we are going to target together at 4:15pm
i'll get some food or something.
i don't have any really.
not that i feel like eating.
i really have to eat SOMETHING, tho.
but the thought of food just disgusts me.
now it's 3:33
i thought that today i would feel really overemotional but i'm not.
i'm really happy, but i'm nervous.
transitions.
i guess i'm afraid to see jason today because i wonder if i will feel differently
about him today or if he will feel differently about me.
i feel the change.
i wonder if he feels it.
i'm scared to find out either way.
just going to target with my x boyfriend...
my hair in a tangle from last night.
imogen heap "it's complicated..."
LOOSE ENDS:
Doing everything by halves,
You got a real flare with excuses
Meeting someone at the bar,
Where loose ends still have uses
It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what you say, we give it up and walk away?
We're overrated, anyway
We're kissing without kissing,
And got it down to a fine art
Love's supposed to keep you young and frisky,
But we grew up and wide apart
Not now, not ever, no… it's never a good time
How will the good times ever roll on?
Comparing photos then and now, now and then,
Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong
It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
Nothing to salvage anyway
Want to, oh, Need to, oh, Try to, oh
None of the above,
Want to, oh, Need to, oh, Try to, oh
None of the above,
Want to, oh, Need to, oh, Try to, oh
None of the above,
It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
We're overrated, anyway
It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
(It could be just what we need)
So what d’you say, we give it up and walk away?
nothing to salvage, anyway
2:42pm
|
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ha, this random just came up over my cam image:
visualizing shiny bleed female
i only got 6 hours of sleep, and
i'm tired.
it looks hot and humid outside.
it also seems very windy.
i don't know what to do with this day at all.
i feel inbetween.
i had a REALLY amazing night last night.
really pretty extraordinary.
i don't know when or if i will talk about it.
i'm processing.
i think jason can sense it.
he hasn't IMed me all day.
oh wait, just as i wrote that he
IMed me.
about lamps and shelves.
for his new condo.
this is all so very weird for me.
if jason can sense anything, he is not letting on.
which is nice.
he is very wrapped up in looking for kick ass furniture for his new condo.
i'm glad he has something really positive to work on.
it's weird, i knew as soon as i let go of him he would be so much better off.
and he is already.
and so am i.
it's still hard, tho.
but i can feel the ties that bind us becoming looser and looser every day.
it's a very odd feeling that is both nice and nervewracking.
my mom reminded me that this sunday
is father's day.
i'm glad she reminded me.
i think all i ate yesterday was a
piece of black licorice.
and some guinness.
i'm not at all hungry.
i wonder if it's the antibiotics.
7:23am
|
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more to come :)
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