| june
12th, 2006 |
||
ingrid and i write each other juicy
emails.
it is good.
i live for this!
tho not a drop i will tell.
EVER.
i think she is the cat's meow.
THE CAT'S MEOW.
truth be told.
10:45pm
ingrid and i type emails back and
forth to each other.
hers are poetic and sparse
mine are long baroque rambles.
she drinks gimlets, i drink red truck wine.
she is on the east and i am in the middle of the continent.
i need contact.
contact.
i went out drinking with the guy
who owns the liquor store the other day.
i knew it would be not a very great idea since i am out of my mind and he
is, i'm pretty sure, married.
but i thought, what the fuck. we can be FRIENDS, right?
which, i guess is pretty much how i live my life and probably why i am where
i am now.
for the good or the bad.
it's the 1st time i think i can say i was a bad influence on someone older
than i am.
which really says a lot :)
but i found out that we, surprisingly, have a TON in common that i had no
idea. family background stuff, teenage rebellion stuff, thoughts about getting
older stuff, spiritual stuff...
i was really pleasantly surprised.
i mean actually quite shocked. i hadn't expected that from him at all.
a really nice guy. way smarter than he seems to be.
totally on the ball.
it was nice to be able to have an intelligent conversation and have somone
even remotely be able to follow me.
he's a really good egg, that one.
i think we'll be good friends.
not in like "see every day hang out" friends".
tho i still have to keep some distance, because he is married and i am so
not going there.
and i don't think he would either.
well, ya, i think he would, but not in a way that would ever jeapordize anything.
still.
i respectfully keep my distance.
he has children and the way he talked about them, especially his sons, made
me so happy there was a man on this planet who "gets it"
i was really astounded by his parenting skills and him being able to see the
big picture of it all.
it was more than reassuring that maybe earth will be ok after all.
and he wasn't freaked out by me, which was in and of itself, astounding, for
i am quite freaky.
i am more than a basket a kittens from hell to contend with sometimes, frankly.
but it's nothing a little duct tape can't fix :)
(but remember i have guns GUNS!!
rock paper scissors)
so ya, it was reassuring to find
out that i liked this person MORE once i found out more about him than less,
which is usually the case.
and because he is 7 years older than i am and is married and has kids and
a business, he isn't going to spaz out on me or anything.
he's just a really down to
the earth guy.
i like that a lot.
very grounding.
i don't think we'll be hanging out
a lot since he has his life and i have mine. but it's reassuring to know he's
on the planet.
i've met so many really horrible people lately. people with no souls. i was
starting to give up hope.
but there are some people on this planet with souls i haven't really met yet.
and they are doing right by things.
thank goodness.
so i guess i will watch 2 more episodes of big love now.
jason taped me 2 more. and i taped him hell's kitchen :)
then tomorrow he tapes me 2 more and i am done with that season.
jason and i are tv junkies.
i loves me some jason.
he's still my creature.
7:00pm
i'm taping hell's kitchen 'cause
jason wants to see it, too.
jason is at a cooking class that i was originally supposed to go with him
to.
it's about japnese BBQ. bum deal for me.
oh well.
that's the way of it.
while he is at the cooking class he is taping more big love episodes for me.
i guess that is one of the things we have in common is tv shows we like :)
ha :) not really enough to hold a relationship together, but still....if i
went out with someone who hated tv, that would really suck for me.
i wouldn't want to live without movies and documentaries.
since i am taping this i could go out for a walk now.
but i also am afraid of pushing my body too hard right now because it is so
sick.
still, i feel an intense urge for physicality.
6:49pm
in ten minutes it's the 2 hours season
premiere of a new hell's kitchen.
do i watch it or no.....hmmm.....
6:06pm
here it is , sprockets:
my fave SNL skit EVER:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ooMbwXMyXto&search=sprockets
another:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eq8lU0FxmaM&search=sprockets%20SNL
i wish i could have a tape with every
sprockets on it.
*dream*
and check out this real sprocketsy band (Palais Schaumburg or Ohi-Ho Bang Bang?) from germany early 80's
http://youtube.com/watch?v=QVpzlcUW-8U&search=Palais%20Schaumburg
http://youtube.com/watch?v=e7okxrl-i38&search=Palais%20Schaumburg
god, how i adore new wave (from the
early 80's)
4:51pm
wow, i just had THEE most intense
dreams during my nap!
i will attempt to write them down but there is no way i can convey it to you
really, i write this down mostly for myself to remember it.
i was doing a show. it's starts out that i am inside a paper lantern that
folds around liek like an accordian or fan, it's hard to describe the exact
shape.
it's really cheesy and simple (and has eyes like a jack o lantern) except
for the fact that while i am in it, i am levitating it in midair, although
the audience will think this is just some sort of magician's trick and not
real levitation.
i have a really cheesy and happy song that goes with this part as i am in
the reddish orange lantern levitating and making it turn clockwise faster
and faster as the music speeds up.
the music is like a russian children's folk song and there aren't any words
to it except for just "moscow moscow la de da de da da Hey!"
there is an entire dance that goes with this that is very simple. i have to
assistants to each side of me in moscow disco glitter attire doing this dance.
it's effect is to be silly like something from "sprockets" on sat
nite live.
(not many people remember the sprockets skits, i don't know why, they were
the best, maybe i can go find some on youtube)
the song is sung in a manly voice, so when i reveal myself underneath the
lantern to be a small girl, there is the element of that surprise, also the
element of surprise that i am still levitating, but people still think this
is just an ordinary magician's trick although impressive.
i am wearing my silk nightgown from the 20's all torn up.
before i went on, people were laughing at my attire because it was so shredded
it revealed a lot of nudity.
the song starts to fade into one note. it's me singing one note very much
like the background of laurie anderson's "o superman" very pulsating
and perfect.
i start to fly around the audience and i do twirls and flips and dives and
get right into their faces.
at first people don't understand this and then they think "oh, it's a
hologram"
that is until as i whiz by a few people i touch them while i sing and look
into their eyes as if to say "is THIS a hologram?"
i then return to the stage and become a 5 dimensional merkabah that showers
pure infinite love into the hearts of any who are willing to recieve it.
the ones who receive it don't think it is part of show the show, they just
think that they are so swept up in the experience of the show and the multicoloured
diamond like merkabah spinning that they are overcome with joy at the sight
of something so beautiful and spectacular.
i then return to my original form and go back inside the paper lantern and
spin it again, this time more slowly, and i chant in one note lower "go
go go go go go go go go go go"
and then that is the end of the show.
but there is a second part to this dream.
(i usually have several versaions of my dream happening simultaneously)
i rise above the crowd, singing my one note.
the sky is completely dark.
i know that probably not many can even hear me sing the one note when i am
up that high, but i do it anyway, because i want to experiment.
i let myself sing this one note and then it feels like i am singing many layers
of that one note.
all the notes start to become delayed on top of each other so they are not
in synchronicity anymore, but they are making sense at a higher level.
i actually start sounding, for lack of a better way to explain it, like yoko
ono doing one her long shrilly stuttered shriek things, but as if there are
16 of her all in the delay.
i start to become multidimensional, the sound is changing me.
the tip of my tongue, representing the many dots of the note, all form together
to make a serpent like shape, as i move. like when you do acid and you see
trails.
i become something that looks like across between shiva and kali.
i have many arms, too many to count, but for some reason i want to say 16.
i am glowing brilliant emerald green and i am layers and layers and layers
of this being.
for anyone whose ever done acid, you'll understand what i mean, how that looks.
the layers and trails, it's impossible to describe.
the vibrations of this note and the sound it makes and how it changes me and
who i become overwhelm me so much , i am so moved i start to cry, which then
brings me to my original form.
i am deeply moved and humbled by this experience and forever changed, knowing
that i have within me this ability to do such a beautiful thing that i do
not even understand.
but it wasn't really me but me going with the flow of it. trusting my instinct
to move like this and sing like that at certain times which brought about
the transformation.
i wake up at this point because i am actually crying.
i go back into a semi sleep state just to try and capture more of this feeling
of being an emerald green glowing multidimentional shiva and the notes that
flow through and from my body.
in my dream, i then must get off
the stage and other people are waiting to go on.
for some reason the entiire back stage is like a nightclub and i am back in
my ripped up 20's nightgown.
and, i don't know why, but the rooms have a LOT of really cute black guys
in them, all with british accents.
they are all hitting on me but i don't trust any of them, as smart as they
are dressed, and english accent or not.
i find a room to play in where i can fly again.
i fly around with pots and pans clanging them.
i whack the piano with....a cane. i have a cane that is black and white striped.
but it's very old so it's more like brown and black striped. it's from the
vaudeville days.
i smash lightbulbs and vases to go with my rythym.
i hope that no one minds because i am creating something new and beautiful
and these things can be replaced.
i decide to start an experimental band like this where we just hit weird stuff
and see what comes out.
some girl comes up to me and asks me how did i like my show.
she said did it make me feel special?
i feel odd at her questioning.
like does she really want to know or is she jealous of me or what?
i say to her, truthfully, that my favourite part of the show was the juxtaposition
of the paper lantern with the 5 dimensional merkabah.
i said that really cracked me up to go from that one extreme to the other
and i would hope that more people would see how funny that was and notice
the difference but also the similiarities (the paper lantern was very geometrical
like the merkabah) and see how these sort of things are repeated everywhere
in our lives.
---
anyway, i'm never going to forget
that dream. that ones a keeper.
i really needed a fantastically good dream like that right about now and so
i thank the universe for it.
i feel fortified from it.
i really DID become shiva/kali and i will never forget that feeling (how could
one???)
feeling that tone resonate through me like an orgasm almost.
it was too much to bear.
i so rarely have good dreams , like maybe 2 a year if i am lucky.
and only a handful, not even, that i remember because they were exceptional.
this was an exceptional dream.
i can't believe i went and did all i did today, and then took a nap and did
the most amazing show i have ever done in my life, PLUS learned how to become
shiva/kali and now i am back in my room, like wendy from one of her trips
to neverland (michael jackson really ruined the word, didn't he?)
and it's only 5:33pm
it's so completely unreal. i feel as if i have spent many days within one
day and i still could have many more days in this day if i went for a walk
or something.
the sun is still out full force.
a very odd odd feeling.
it's seems as tho it should be the middle of the night now not full fledged
daytime, rushhour traffic.
well, time to take another antibiotic. i take one 3 times a day for ten days.
life is truly extraordinary. i don't know how else to put it.
and now i seriously don't knwo how i could ever do a live show that could
compete with what my show i did in my dream was in at any level whatsoever.
very frustrating.
but at least i do know that in some other dimension i am doing it.
i have that "moscow" song stuck in my head.
1:25pm
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i think i need to take a nap.
i wish i didn't need to.
1:08pm
i don't want to have to type it all out again so here is the email i sent my mom about my day so far:
i went to this place called "minute clinic"
there is one in the skyway system here.
it's very weird. your're just separated from people buying their starbucks
coffee but these white partitions.
there is one doctor. it's so tiny. like a closet.
so he have me a prescription of antibiotics called cephalexin for my finger
and also said if i had strep that would also cure that.
but he did not take a culture since that would have cost more.
the total was only 50 bucks for the visit so good deal.
but i just remembered that antibiotics can sometimes give me a yeast infection,
and i swear to god if i get that on top of everything i else i will scream
from here to timbuktu.
i bought some multivitamins, too.
i got up at 8am today which is some sort of freak of nature.
and went to the bank and to the p.o. box, too.
now it's only 1pm but i feel like going back to sleep.
i ate a cold pork chop i made yesterday so i can take this antibiotic. it
says you can take it on an empty stomache but i don't believe it.
it's a beautiful day here.
i got a good walk in.
i could go outside more but i'm just too tired.
i had a red bull and that did not wake me up more.
strange.
well, that's about it. i have no idea what to do with the rest of this day.
there are a million things i could do like start sanding my floors, but my
finger hurts so screw that.
i'm not exactly what to do with this day.
i wish i could wake the freak up so i could put better use to this day, but
at least i did get a lot done already.
maybe i will read.
9:09am
wow, i got up at 8am.
total shocker.
well god knows, i think i've been in bed for almost 2 days straight.
it's time to get up.
i'm making a bath.
need to get to the bank.
i am debating whether or not to go to this "minute clnic" to check
out my swolen glands and infection in my fingernail.
i don't want to spend a bunch of money just for them to tell me to go home
and rest and soak my finger.
i already know that part. so i just hate easting money going to clinics.
they are so often unhelpful to me and so expensive.
still, i feel i need to be on some
sort of antibiotics of something.
although i loathe and despise antibiotics and they make me feel like shit
to take them.
whatever this is in my body, i want it gone, tho.
i really can't get much done with this damn finger problem, like sand floors
or play guitar or anything.
anyway, i'm up...gonna get dressed, and get SOMETHING done today.
+++
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