| june
9th, 2006 |
||
10:10pm
this is how i feel:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8ZkHfY0ufzQ
9:21pm
i feel in the mood to be on the prowl.
but it sucks because there is no where to prowl.
grrrr.
bad kitty bad.
being a triple fire sign can be so frustrating sometimes.
i wanna burn some shit up.
i wanna leave a scar on someone's neck.
someone needs to come over here and shoot me with a tranquilizing gun.
or tie me up and give me a spanking.
mmmmm. grrrrrr.
help.
i'm trying my HARDEST to stay inside.
i wish i had a backyard so i could go chop wood or clack stones together or
something.
i need to pound on something and howl.
i hate this shit. so frustrating. so primal.
no outlet.
i wanna lock horns and butt heads.
where is my caravan of lovers to choose from?
why hasn't it arrived yet?
i think i need to switch planets.
7:04pm
jason took me out today to best buy
and i got a switcher thing so i can use this one monitor for both computers
until i have enough money to buy another nice monitor someday.
i also got some of that air in a can stuff that i really should use more often
on my computers.
then we went to a chinese buffet and i tasted a new weird fruit that is called
a leechee (sp?)
it was really cool. i saved the seed and see if i can sprout it maybe.
then we went to menards and OMG how HUGE it was in there!
it was like a ginormous city of just...everything...
brightly lit and every 1 minute the cheerful menards theme song would come
on, driving me and i'm sure everyone who works there, totally nuts.
i bought some leather work gloves so i don't wreck my hands so bad.
and then i got a quart of primer that just comes in white.
and i got a gallon of silver paint.
and i got some sandpaper that had 3 different grades in it.
and this little rubber sandpaper holder thing.
and then some of those mini paint roller things.
so...it'll be an experiment for sure.
i have zero idea what i am doing.
now jason is going out to see His Name Is Alive and i am sad i am not going
with as i normally would be.
i asked who he was going with and he said "no one" but he was acting
all strange when he said that so i don't know what is up with that.
he is a really terrible liar, so he must be going out with someone that would
make me upset to know.
sucks.
or maybe he was telling the truth, i don't know.
he just was acting really weird about it.
but i guess it's really none of my business anymore.
still, it sucks.
he taped me 6 episodes of "big love" so i have 1./2 the season to
watch now.
so i will probably just do that and chill out.
i'm not getting any sicker so perhaps those cold-eeze zinc lozenge things
really work.
that or i just willed it out of my body.
still my middle finger on my left hand hurts very much.
it hurt to try on gloves at menards
i hope i build up my arms muscles
from sanding my floors :)
3:05pm
my throat is still sore, but now
it's kind of just generally sore all over instead of being one gland.
but it's not worse. i don't feel like i am getting worse so yay for that!
it's cold and greyish today. i had my air conditioning on because usually
by this time my room is really hot, but today there is no sun and it's 65
degrees, so it just made my house freezing.
so i turned on my oven for heat.
this guy i have a small crush on is finally in town and wants to get together
for a glass of wine.
the problem with this is that now HE tells me that he thinks he has a crush
on me but also that he is engaged to be married.
so talk about mixed signals.
"hey, i have a crush on you and you on me but i'm getting married, let's
go drink wine!"
i don't think this is a very good idea at all.
i had dreams i was on live tv. it
was both a sitcom and the oprah show.
i didn't know it was live at 1st and so when i climbed onto the stage i flipped
upside down and everyone saw my underwear.
i thought this was actually hilarious and could not stop laughing once they
told me it was live tv.
and i could not remember my lines which would also then make me laugh til
i was almost rolling around on the floor with tears sreaming out of my eyes.
that kind of just out of control shakes your whole body kind of laughing.
there was a dwarf on the show and we had a scene together where we were in
a carriage.
the carriage did a bump which made our heads bump together so it looked like
we kissed.
at 1st i thought that was funny, but then this dwarf kept taking advantage
of that and tried to get the carriage to do it again and this time he kissed
me not by accident.
and by the end of the show he actually forcibly kissed me.
if it had not been a dwarf and been a person of regular stature i would have
shoved this person off of me, but i knew if i said anything that he would
be all like "ohhhh, you're too high and mighty to kiss a dwarf, huh?"
and he'd pull out the prejudiiced card.
but the rest of the cast actually thought we did have something going on because
i was not saying anything, and it was company policy not to get inot relationships
like that with employees.
soon oprah heard about this and told me i was fired.
then i cried and tried to explain to her what had really happened.
and said i was sorry for screwing up all my lines and laughing hysterically
throughout the entire show, screwing up the schedule and timing and seriousness
of the whole show.
i told her that in all honesty it probably had very high ratings because of
all my ridiculous slip ups and would be talked about in all the media a LOT,
so this was a GOOD thing and more people would be tuning in next week to see
what will happen.
and i can't remember if she then saw it my way or if i remained fired.
i'm kind of siding with the feeling that she then unfired me and decided to
give me a second chance, but i was on shaky ground.
6:43AM
ok, now i am going to bed. for real.
i'm tired.
i put a bunch of gemstone braclets on myself.
just trying to do anything to heal.
i'm determined.
5:48am
this is also interesting,
http://www.answers.com/topic/five-elements-chinese-philosophy
the middle finger represents fire, the red phoenix, summer, south, mars, taste: bitter, sense: sound, heart.
ok well FINALLY some sort of worthwhile information, even tho i do not have a broken fingernail it just feels like i do:
http://www.humanhand.com/secrets.html#secret4
#4 - BROKEN FINGERNAIL - MIDDLE
FINGER
The middle finger reflects the powers of the mind, and the Super-Ego. A broken
fingernail here is a sure sign of some guilt or mental stress, usually caused
by monetary problems. On the moving hand (the dominant hand) it shows a new
or temporary difficulty, while on the stationary hand it tells of a reoccurrence
of an ongoing issue.
If your own middle fingernail is broken, realize that something has
penetrated your defenses and harmed your Super-Ego. Identify the cause. What
has affected your feelings of self-worth?.
Once you know the source, remedy the situation by adjusting your own thoughts and ideas. Determine how you have contributed to your own situation and you will avoid future reoccurrences. By altering your thoughts, you will change both your actions and your emotions, effectively negating the harm which has been done to your sense of Self-Worth.
ok, well that finally makes sense.
i was thinking it had to do something with that.
also that this finger is associated with the red phoenix makes sense, as i
am in a renewing process.
i knew it had to so with i was feeling powerless about something, in my heart,
i felt. not sure about the whole super ego thing, tho.
wow it even tells me this:
#20 - GETTING RID OF SWOLLEN GLANDS
To Treat Swollen Lymph Nodes - Massage the Base of Each Finger. In between
each finger at the base is a reflexology point for the upper lymph nodes.
If your glands are swollen, at least one (and probably all) of these points
will be painful to the touch. Massaging all 4 of the points will bring relief
almost immediately.
The four points are at the very base of each finger within the webbing of
the skin. There is one between the thumb and index finger, another between
the index and middle finger. Remember that each point is found within the
webbing between the digits.
i'm going to try that!
i have also moved my black obsidian square "power ring" which i
usually have in the middle finger of my right hand over to the middle finger
on the left to symbolize that i am taking back my power on "both sides"
this may sound crazy to you. but hey, i like to experiment.
or maybe it needs a ring of it's own.
i think about that tomorrow.
right now the sun is coming up now
and i am going to attempt to try and go back to sleep.
3:16am
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pictures from a few days ago of me
ripping out my carpets.other views from the panic channel show, even tho they
are too dark and blurry, unedited pix, colourized ones from the cam yestreday
and today, the bass i sold to my 1st boyfriend, etc.
i have insomnia or something. i fell
asleep at 9:30pm and then slept for a few hours and then the rest of the night
could not get into a comfortable position at all. and kept talking in my sleep,
or acting out my dreams physically, for instance, one part jason asked for
a hug and he was wearing a light blue polyester maxiskirt (???) and i literally
reached my arms out to hug him but since there was nothing actually there,
my arms touching nothing but myself woke myself. then everything else was
just like little fragments of stuff. weird things like trying to get down
to this kitchen in the middle of the night to eat these last 2 bars of apple
crisp before this fat little kid i was supposedly babysitting would eat them.
also there was cold pepperoni pizza in there and i was just ravishingly hungry
and i ate both the pizza and the apple crisp, and the mom and dad were asleep
and it was not my house and i was tip toeing around trying to eat these things
as quietly as possible. and then this scenario would play out in many different
variations over and over.
and then the "soundtrack" to all of this was the line "every
rose has it's thorns"
like a guns and roses song or aerosmith or bon jovi?
i don't know , but that line just kept repeating and repeating in my head
like a scratched record.
oh, and i was racing after this act who had eaten string and i had to get
it out of the cat before it died and i was successful. and then before it
was this cat it may have been deiter.
it was all so weird and stressful.
i just ended up getting up at 2:30am,
and turn on most of my lights and make this anagram.
and turn on coast to coast. because dang, that was seriously maddening.
the gland in my neck seems to be getting better.
it started getting better once i get super angry yesterday and out a big cry.
since i believe things in my body are symbols (i believe everything is a symbol)
i was wondering why my gland in my neck was hurtiing because i was thinking
this must mean there was something i needed to say but wasn't saying it.
so it must have been that i needed to cry.
but now my middle finger on my left hand feels very sore, almost like i hav
ripped the finger nail or it is infected with something.
but i can't figure out what the heck that is about, because it looks perfectly
fine.
there are no hangnails or anything. nothing i can discern about it seems wrong
yet it feels as tho there is an infection deep within the nail that is causing
this pressure and it hurts very much.
so i'm going to go look up what the middle finger could symbolize, 'cause
ya, that is how my mind works.
i'm really glad jason and i worked out that thing yesterday. it gives me hope
that we can always remain friends.
we are always going to have a special bond to each other that i will never
have with anyone else.
i did find out this about the middle finger:
"In earlier times the ring was always worn on the middle finger of the Bishop's right hand."
which is interesting because that
is where i wear my ring.
but this is my left hand the finger hurts. and it could mean i want to tell
someone to "fuck off", but i always use my right hand for that.
maybe it's because it's my left hand it means i subcoonsciously want to tell
someone to fuck off.
but i don't think that can be because i have quite consciously told everyone
i can think of "fuck off" to very consciously.
here is an interesting wiki article
on hand gestures:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gesture
wow, this is weird:
http://www.answers.com/topic/four
In other fields
International maritime signal flag
for 4See also 4 (disambiguation)
Four can be used as an obscenity in some technologically adept circles, replacing the common word for fornication. This usage derives from the fact that when counting in binary on ones fingers, 4, whose binary representation is 001002 is represented by raising the middle finger of one hand, yielding a vulgar gesture. A stronger variation uses the number 132, whose binary representation 0010000100 replicates this gesture on both hands.
Perhaps deriving from this, a "four-letter
word" is used to describe most swear words in the English language, as
most such terms do indeed possess four letters.
i know i've seen that number, 132 on a bunch of things.
here is something on 132 that is a very long read:
http://www.greatdreams.com/sacred/132.htm
(and there is a terrible midi song)
an excerpt:
"Stonehenge: The "Z" Holes Circle, immediately inward from "Y" Holes was a non-PHI, customised circle, the attributes of which are directly related to the sexagesimal/ septimal geodetic system for measuring the "ring of the Earth". The intended diameter of "Z Holes" was exactly 132 feet (1/40th of a mile). It will be remembered that the altar atop the Great Pyramid would have been geometrically configured to be 44 feet in length and 3 feet higher than its circumnavigating terrace, set at a height of 450 feet. This means that each outer face of the altar was 132 square feet, for a total of 528 for all 4 sides (coding the 5280 feet in the mile).
Alternatively, the altar would have included 2 geodetic, Earth navigational systems in its floor surface geometry. One circle, based upon a 44 feet diameter and marginally adjusted rendition of PI, produced a sexagesimal rim calibration of 138.24 feet. The rim was used for determining degree angles when working in linear (diameter) increments based upon "11 series" measurements (leagues, miles, furlongs, chains, rods/ perches, fathoms and links). Atop the pyramid, principles of navigation, based upon ocean traversals measured and plotted in leagues or breakdowns of leagues were taught in reference to this circle. "
errrr. ok! i'm too tired to take that in right now.
http://www.himalayanart.org/image.cfm/270.html
"Surrounding all of that are 132 Shakyamuni Buddha figures. Golden in colour, aligned in rows, each with one face and two hands, they perform the earth touching mudra with the right and the mudra of meditation with the left, wearing red robes and seated in vajra posture surrounded by circles of light. The structure of an alternating lion and horse supported throne extends along the length of the bottom."
wow, there is a society just for
the number 47:
http://www.47.net/47society/
there used to be one for 444:
http://web.archive.org/web/20030803080358/http://www.fourfourfour.com/
getting a lot of these links here:
http://www.greatdreams.com/numbers/1111/1111.htm
what in the heck is this?
http://home.earthlink.net/~mthyen/
ha, i get it. it's a joke about 555.
that is really actually hilarious.
all this weird stuff about 555 i
have been seeing recently.
i am really into 444, but right after i visited portal, i started seeing 555
which, for some reason, has not made me happy like 444 did but has made me
feel uneasy.
interesting about the cubit:
http://www.answers.com/topic/cubit
+++
horoscopes from: