| june
8th, 2006 |
||
7:46pm
i think i have a headache from no
caffeine today.
jason was tapiing me "big love" that show on hbo but the tape didn't
work out for some reason.
this is a technically weird day.
ok, i got a coke from the machine.
the band stopped playing.
i had my gun silencer headphones on a sadist shirt when i went to get the
coke.
the 2 kids in there thought i was a freak, and they would be right.
ok, now to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of pbs informing about the theory
that china "discovered" america 1st.
that kind of stuff is comedy to me.
so linear and not thinking about things on a grand scale.
but i love the soothing pbs voices telling me about petroglyphs.
7:32pm
nope they are still going strong.
lord.
someone give me a taser gun.
7:08pm
i can't believe it's already 7.
there has been this AWFUL band playing outside for what seems like hours now.
like southern fried rock boogie woogie stuff.
and they are so generic and awful.
i can't wait until they stop.
wow, i can't get over what a tiny monitor this is compared to my other one.
i have to somehow get a big monitor back.
these words are just miniscule to me.
my cam is a little square.
now that band is playing jumping jack flash.
i hope this is their final song since they seem to be really "into"
this song more than the others.
6:32pm
ok, the meltdown is over.
as soon as i uploaded that last entry there my monitor literally blew up.
smelled like smoke.
i immediately unplugged it and r.i.p. big monitor.
that with everything else made me cry huge tears and have a mini meltdown.
i took the tiny monitor from the thing room biz computer and stuck it to this
main computer.
everything is teeny tiny.
like a 10 inch screen or something. it's bizarre.
and jason came over and we worked things out and it was all just a miscommunication,
as usual.
i can't believe we still work this shit out, but i guess we are just best
friends who love each other so much.
it hurts us to see the other one hurt.
anyway, it's all better , for now.
*sigh*
what can i say.
in some areas we communicate very well and in other areas it's just pretty
pathetic.
we both think so differently. that is one is the reasons we love each other
and also oone of the reasons which drives us apart.
so anyway...ya...whatever.
i'm so tired of typing this and exhausted from crying and being sick on top
of it.
it's weird tho, it was almost as if i could feel my anger "burn off"
some of my sickness.
carrying my huge dead monitor into the hallway swearing.
unhooking the other one.
cords fucking everywhere.
so ya, i'm back, i'm ok. i just need to eat something now as i haven't eaten
anything except a bit of crackers all day.
3:57pm
argh. *insert swear words*
i am now reminded again why jason and i are not a couple.
in certain areeas he makes me feel totally invisible.
now, i don't need everyone to agree with my theories and beliefs, that is
totally fine.
but to just not remember HUGE MAJOR chunks of things i believe in after 8
1/2 years is just unacceptable.
it's just really really insulting to me, to not even acknowledge MAJOR FUNDAMENTAL
beliefs i have as if i have never talked about it before.
i don't need him to agree with me. that is not it.
but to not even REMEMBER after 8 1/2 years things i talk about weekly and
have dedicated my life to?
WTF?
i mean BIG stuff like "oh, you believe in god? i didn't know that."
kind of stuff.
it just boggles my mind. it really really does.
do you know what it feels like to be constantly monitored yet almost totally
invisible at the same time?
and very selectively, too.
it's crazy making is what it is.
it makes me feel worthless.
i'm not saying he does this all the time or there aren't incredibly kind and
generous things about him.
i mean, that's why i stayed with him for so long and what makes this break
up so difficult.
he is an amazing human being and i love him very much.
but sometimes he makes me just feel like i am completely and utterly not worth
noticing or taking many things i say seriously at all.
and that feels really really shitty.
why do i keep going out with men who make me feel belittled and unimportant?
and what sucks about it is they NEVER seem this way at 1st.
in fact, they seem the opposite of that.
so it's like...i can't avoid them.
arrrrrrgh.
seriously, fuck that shit.
no more.
and then he will be super kind and sweet. the sweetest thing in the world.
and he is not verbally abusive...it's just a not NOTICING me.
so it's so insidious.
so open my heart and i feel safe, and then i feel belittled, but it's SO subtle
that you think that if you react to it at all, you'd be over reacting.
but it builds up to the point where each not noticing huge aspects of my being
become...god, so hurtful.
so open my heart and then i have to close it, and then open and then close.
i don't know whether or coming or going.
i don't think he even sees that he does it, even tho time after time after
time again i have explained in excruciating detail
dozens of times that this kind of thing really hurts
me and chips away at my soul.
and each time he will say he gets it and won't do it again.
and then boom, he does it again, which makes me feel furtherly invisible.
like, hi? were you even LISTENING to me when we had that BIG discussion about
this and you said you got it?
remember that? at ALL?
is it just that he is invisible to himself??
because it's just so nonsensical i cannot understand why such an extremely
intelligent man could be this way.
i mean he prides himself on his logic and majored in philosophy.
he has a master's degree. he could build you yahoo or google.
his mind requires an attention to very excruciating detail and he is VERY
thorough about it. i would say he is one of the best in the business.
and he says he loves me but how CAN he love me if he doesn't even remember
WHO I AM???
*tears hair out of head*
how can he remember intricate code yet totally not even remember the most
basic fundamental aspects of me?
i mean, what is he even in love with then?
a vague idea of me? what?
ohmigod. but i am DONE with it.
i really really really am.
i have to keep reminding myself that i do not have to be treated that way
any more.
it's over it's over it's over.
it doesn't feel like it is over because it just happened again.
but bit by bit, it's over. god, i hope it's over.
i can't go through any more of this.
i just fucking can't!
it's because of things like this
i just go out drinking and just hope to literally CRASH into someone who SEES
me.
i'm just like fuck me or kill me.
or both in whatever order you wish.
just please let this END.
and so i just crash myself into things.
i have bruises all over my body to remind me.
i don't crash into things on purpose, but i do because i'm drunk.
but the bruises always remind me that i have crashed.
i am ashamed of them, and then in another way i am glad they are there to
remind me that my pain is real and that i exist.
i'm so sick of feeling like i want to die.
feeling that desperate.
i really really want to heal.
god, i really do.
but i feel SO FUCKED UP.
i'm just crying now.
but i never can fully cry.
i don't know what is the deal with that.
maybe it's the prozac.
i'm so sick of feeling so fucking worthless and invisible to the people i
love the most.
can i EVER be healed?
wil i EVER recover from this or am
i just a broken toy now doomed to be broken forever.
i think of my friend kat who lost both her arm and her leg. or vera little
who lost her legs and fingers.
and i see how they have incorporated these accidents into "beautiful
accidents" in their life.
and it gives me some hope that maybe i can do this on an emotional level.
like i'm always going to be a little warped and scarred not, but i'll figure
out a way to make this work FOR me and not AGAINST me.
you know?
can it be done?
3:25pm
slept until now.
i do have a bit of a temperature now but only a little over 99.
there is this thing called "minute clinic" that jason told me about.
i think i will try and go there tomorrow and see if there is anything they
can do for me.
i swear i have been more sickly this entire year than i have my entire life.
and it's gorgeous out, 78 degrees.
and i have so much to do.
i had really intense vivid dreams about teaching tom cruise how to fly because
earth was just a hologram.
he asked me if i was going to be one of the people who stayed on earth after
it "dies"
and i told him yes, and that it wasn't because of his belief that i am not
capable of leaving but that a few of us have made the choice to stay behind
and care for the earth to get her back to health afterwards.
i was doing this weird timed "race" witha katie holmes look a like
where i had to 1st crash a bicycle into a wall, then run up a flight of stairs
and grab all the pais;ey park matchbooks i could and then throw them into
this work closet.
i won, which was weird to me, and i felt very competive and strong all of
a sudden.
in the middle of me grabbing the matches the katie holmes look alike professed
her love to either tom or me, i can't remember who. but she was like, if i
win i get to take you on a 2 day scuba diving thing.
but she didn't win, but somehow she did because then she was with tom cruise.
i asked her if she was into the scientology thing and she laughed and said
"no, i'm only in it for the sex"
at one point i was looking at these mobile homes along side a river and wishing
someday i would have a little mobile home that could lookk fown at even 1
inch of the water.
and by the end of the (i almost typed movie) dream, i had a huge backyard
that opened into the ocean.
and i called it "my ocean" but didn't want to seem too grandiose
so i called it 'la ocean"
but i knew that after i was gone i would be taking care of it, so i thought
of it as mine.
i saw the earth covered in a layer
of grey, and then finally one day, a hole opened up of light.
earth now had an "eye" like that of jupiter and it was yellow and
orange.
and that is where the grey finally swirled open and let the sun back in.
i showed this to tom cruise in his mind.
and i asked him that where he was going, what did he think it would be like?
and he couldn't give me any specifics except that it will be a totally great
place.
9:59pm
well, here , at least, are the images
from 05.09 and 05.23
god knows what i wrote that day.
just lost to the ether.
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9:46pm
ok i didn't go back to bed yet.
i'm going nuts trying to figure out why some of the may anagrams are not working.
it's driving me NUTS.
i cannot figure it out!
and 05.09 and 05.23...the html pages for those are just BLANK.
so i have NO idea what i even wrote that day or anything.
just. arrrrrgh.
gah, i give up for now.
9:23am
going back to bed for a bit.
sleep is the best medicine.
8:22am
woke up for a sec because i have
a sore swollen gland or something in my right side. that is just fabulous.
so it seems i am getting a cold or something now, too, on top of all my other
pain. i'm not surprised given how i've been eating poorly and totally stressed
out and beyond depressed.
so i took another multivitamin (even tho i think the exp date on those were
years ago) and 2 vitamin c's and a vitamin b complex.
god, there is just NO way i am getting sick right now.
no freaking way.
i will take vitamins. i'll get more vitamins.
i will try to get to the farmer's market this weekend to get some veggies
for my system.
i need some fruit.
i just need wellness, in general.
i have to start taking care of myself. no more of this self destructive wallowing
bullshit.
ok, i may wallow still a bit. that's understandable.
i need to get back to my floors. i need to get to menards somehow for sand
paper and paint.
also all this week it's not supposed to be very hot.
in the 70's. good walking weather.
there is NO way i am letting this cold take hold of me.
NO WAY.
breathe breathe breathe.
think happy thoughts.
i'm going back to bed now.
i don't know if i will sleep, tho.
+++
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