today's anagram

june 7th, 2006
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watching katie jane garside vids on youtube.
trying to keep it together and focus on the positive things.
it's hard, i'm trying.
what i REALLY want to do is run naked, screaming through the streets, covered in mud.
but that probably wouldn't go down too well over here.

10:13pm

aimlessly surfing the web.
i wish i was more tired.
i wish there was something good on tv.
pooka is looking all serene on the bed.
i wish i was pooka.
i made a soup.
think i'll stick it in the fridge now.
i like to make soup.
i like how it makes my house smell comforting.
i took some vitamins.
i sigh a lot.

8:22pm

2 from jason's cellphone camera
a few minutes ago, from my house:

2 of his robot that it
as his house that i bought him years ago:

i hope that no one in here is emailing jason and telling him what i write in here.
because when he came over here for a few minutes today he seemed to act like he knew what i had been writing in here.
so if anyone of you are doing this PLEASE STOP IT.
YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
i need some place that i can write down my thoughts that are not monitored by him, ok?
it's my life, and yes, it is insane at times, and i make stupid choices sometimes.
but it is MY life.
why you may not agree with the choices i make or worry about me,
i need to just not be meddled with as that only burdens me and makes me feel like i need some sort of supervision as if i am a toddler.
and i don't need that on top of everything else.
i'm not a child. i don't want to be monitored as if i am one.
just let me work through this how i want to work through this.
i'm so sick of people trying to control my life.
that is one of the reasons i had to get away from him, bless his heart.
but god, all my life, there is always someone trying to control me, if it's not my mother, it's a boyfriend or something.
it just irritates me to no end.
i am 40 now and i do not want anyone controlling any aspect of my life right now.
i would like to know what that feels like for at least ONCE in my life, to not have any controlling aspects in my life.
like jason wants me to give me a key to my apartment to one of my friends "just in case".
augh.
and he's said this twice now, and i told him to never ask me that question ever again.
i just finally got all my keys BACK. i most certainly do not need to feel like someone is monitoring me on my cam and then waiting to run over and burst in on me and whatever i may or may not be doing.
it's a nice feeling to know that FINALLY when i shut and lock my door, no one is going to come through it.
i've never gotten to have that feeling EVER.
when i lived with my mom, that guy busted down my door.
then i lived in a bunch of crappy houses with crappy roomates and i didn't even have doors to my room.
then when i finally got my 1st apt by myself, my landlord was a heroin addict and i had a friend who helpe me start anacam who had keys to my house and would come in any time he felt like it.
it was maddening.
then when i moved here, jason has always had a key.

there has never been ANY place ever in my entire life where i have ever been able to fucking just let down my guard and know that when i shut my door, it is totally shut.

so fuckin' a.
let me have that.
so go ahead and worry about me.
that is your choice whether or not to worry.
but *I* need the burden of that off of me.
and i am not going to worry about anyone worrying about me anymore.
i just cannot stand it anymore, this fucking burden of it.

it's my life.
i'll figure it out.
i always do.
so please.
you cannot carry my wellbeing on your shoulders right now.
and i cannot carry yours.
look, i'm a double aries with leo rising, which makes me as stubborn as 444 mules.
there is nothing you can say or do that will make me live any other way except for myself.
if that means i have to needlessly bang my head on a brick wall for ten years before i get a clue, then that is what will have to happen.
i am in control of my destiny, whatever weirdass destiny that is.
and i have the keys to all my doors now, for the 1st time in my life.
and i like it that way.
it's a good feeling.
a feeling i want to feel and experience.

i already have jason and my mom and dad and relatives checking up on me on cam, which is natural, but maddening for me.
but god, i have the keys to my door back!
and i can shut it now and do whatever i want to now (except start a bonfire) without fear that someone is going to walk in on me.
not like i am doing anything weird like having crack whore parties over here or something, but god, it's just nice to know that when i shut my door it's shut.
let me have at least the ILLUSION that i have control to my door.
because god, i just can't take anymore controlling aspect in my life right now.

if you see a bonfire in my house, then please do call 911.
other than that, just leave me in peace.

god, that felt good to say.

6:03pm

i think i'll just crawl into bed.

4:57pm

i managed to vacuum my carpet (the red one)
do 2 loads of laundry and the dishes and take a bath.
things are returning to a more normalized state.

i think i should make an appt with planned parenthood and get myself a clean bill of health. (not that i think i have anything, but it'd be good to show people, i suppose.)
and then maybe i should put an ad in the paper or some damn thing for a proper lover.
slumming it in bars is just not cool.
i feel disgusted with myself.

i just need a regular lover, dammit.
maybe i would have better luck in a lesbian bar.
where are they anyway?

i don't want a relationship, and i don't want just sex.
the words to the cheesy "sexual healing" song have never been poignant to me until now. and i really hate that song.
i wish there was just a sex guru you could go to and he or she would be...ah here is what you need.
and just fuck my brains out while aligning all my chakras at the same time.
oh, and i'd like at least ONE orgasm. for cryin' out loud.
god.

is there even such a thing?
i bet i'd just get a billion gross letters saying "i'll eat your pussy all day and all night, babyyyyy".
augh.

what can i do?
and how could i weed out the weird ones?
god, i'm so depressed.
it's so ridiculous that i have so many people who want to fuck me, yet i have the worst sex life EVER.
it's just nonsensical.

there has to be someone out there who is around my age who is a good kisser, wants to make love and knows how to do it and isn't frickin married and isn't a total freak.
(and no M i am not referring to you except for the age part, btw i have your notebook)

i hurt all over.
i can't wait until i can just go to bed.
maybe i would have had a better sex life if i had just become a nun.

sorry to be such a whiney ass today.

i'm listening to brian eno.
i think i have pms up the wazoo.

3:31pm

ok, that took 7,000 years but i managed to put clean sheets on my bed.

one step at a time.

1:41pm

slowly catching up on things.
food will not stay in me. hands still shaky.
i did catch up on some anacam biz.
i managed not to hide in my bed yet.
i can't believe it's only 1:41, god, the day goes by so slowly when you get up early.
i'm not used to it.
i will now attempt with all my might to put the clean sheets on the bed.
i think i've been wearing the same clothes for 2 days, but strangely i do not smell. in fact, i smell like i took a bath.
weird.
also, you'd think that if i or someone smoked an entire pack of kools in my apt something would smell like cigarettes.
yet...again strangely, nothing did or does.
the universe is fucking with me.
maybe i stepped into some bizarro alterverse and then stepped back into this one.
who knows anymore.
tomorrow i may wake up with an extra limb the way things seem right now.

listening to bryan ferry.

12:35pm

i still have not been able to leave the chair at my desk.
although i managed to eat something.
i am fighting the urge to crawl back into bed and hide.
i feel tiny pieces of me returning to me, a person who has been through a teleportation device and now is being recreated molecule by molecule back again.
i'm listening to bjork.
everything feels like slow motion but my hands are shaky.
i feel simultaneously as if i weigh 7 million pounds held down by the gravity of jupiter and a little piece of old newspaper rolling down the street.
it looks like a nice day outside.
i hope i can make it out for a short walk before the sun goes down, when it is less hot.
maybe not even walk so much as lay on the earth and feel its core.

12:22pm

it looks like ingrid chavez will not be making it to mpls after all due to lack of funds and some other complications. bummer.
but at least i have her back in my life via email now.
she writes the nicest emails, like her poetry.

12:16pm

oh god, finally something to almost make me laugh

12:01pm

oh man, god bless my friends again, they even made this beautiful webpage for this diy thing.
http://www.pluckyfluff.com/offcenter/offcenter.html

i am so lucky to live on the planet at the same time as these people.
i feel my energy being raised a little.
the universe holds me even when i am such a fuck up.

11:37am

thank god for my friends who are going to be on the DIY channel thing.
they worked really hard writing up the whole proposal and did all they could to keep me in the loop while i was off losing my mind.
so i might still be a part of it all. god, i hope so.
i need something to look forward to.
really badly.

my monitor keeps shutting itself off.
i need a new monitor.

i'm going to attempt to clean the kitchen a bit.
then make a soup or something.

sorry i haven't been on cam much.
it's not fun to be on cam when you are losing your mind.

i will return shortly, after they rebuild me, like the bionic woman.

i'm going to put clean sheets on my bed now.
ya, that's it.
that'll be good.

i feel really guyed out, like i was just living in some charles bukowski novel. or like i was bukowski, more like.
i need some more yin in here.
i need a bubble bath and flowers.
i need to be soothed. i need a massage.
yeesh.

10:49am

jesus fuck. all these opportunities are flying by me and i can't deal with any of them because i am too depressed.
one is to be a part of this tv show on the DIY network.
and they ask me:

"I need you to throw some ideas out at me for freeform crochet projects that would work well on TV, under the format of our show. I understand the whole essence of freeform crochet is that it’s spontaneous. The problem is that I must pre-produce these segments so we will know what techniques we will be seeing, in what order, and what the end results will be. So you can still be spontaneous, but I’ll need some concrete info in advance on what we would be seeing in your episode(s.) "

fuckin' a, what am i supposed to be saying to that?
if freeform crochet is spontaneous, then how the fuck i am supposed to tell them what the end result will be and explain the entire process? i mean , what?
what techniques will they be seeing?
what order?
what is the end result?
*head desk*

ohmigod, tv people drive me NUTS.
i know they have to have something written down because time is money and money is time and zero equals 11 and an elephant equals a toaster and so everyone needs to see WORDS in a piece of paper so someone will not feel nervous about writing a freaking cheque for a plane ticket. but just GOD.
i can't DEAL with this right now.

i do what i do what i do what i do.
and what i does not include explaining what i do.
at least not right now.
just fuck everything right now.
i'm just trying not to fall into tiny pieces.
i woke up in the bed of some mexican named jim the other day (we did not have sex, thank GOD). his house was hilarious.
he was such a GUY guy. you could not have gotten more "guy" if you tried. he painstakingly made all these ships. like the ones in kits.
he had a framed picture of james dean on his wall.
in his fridge was a pack of bud lite and something i could not identify. he was nice and a man of few words.
i think all he ever said was "your body is SMOKIN'" and "where's my cellphone?". he drove me home in a white lincoln continental.
i asked him what he was going to do that day. he said "look for my phone". and that was that.

and the day after that i wake up and there is a bottle of sprite with the butts from an entire pack of kool cigarettes on my desk.
just WTF? did i smoke those and if not me, then WHO?
i did buy a pack of kool's the other day for no apparent reason.
because i'm weird like that.
oh wait, i know, because dave navarro was smoking like a fiend and it made me want to smoke.
but kools... why would i buy kools?
gross.

i feel like i am losing my motherfucking mind.

so i laid in my bed yesterday for 30 hours just going WTF WTF WTF?
i feel completely and absolutely out of my mind right now.
and so, no, i'm sorry i cannot summarize my freeform crochet right now into 20 minute segments for your TV show.
sorry.

i'm just trying to stay alive.
and i better lay off the booze until i am over this whole heartbreak thing.
because finding a bottle full of cigarette butts on my desk and not knowing how it got there is more than disconcerting.
so, ya, piecing myself back together here.
i've got to get a grip.

9:05am

i feel hollow.
i don't even feel like i am here.
today i'm trying to get back to maintenance...bath, dishes, laundry....
if i can just maintain.
yesterday all i did is lay in bed.
literally.
i didn't get up to look at the computer, i didn't watch tv, i didn't listen to music.
nothing.
i think i laid in bed for 30 hours or so and just wished i didn't exist.
i am trying to crawl out of that hole now.
baby steps.
at least i am not on a morning schedule as i got up at 8:30am.
took out the trash and got some cokes out of the machine so i am less shakey.
i hate this breaking up shit.
there is nothing worse.
i feel insane.

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